Managing Loneliness During the Holidays: Four Tips from a Therapist

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? The holidays are meant to be a time of connection and joy, but sometimes they can be a time of disconnection, grief, and isolation, especially if you have recently suffered a loss such as death of a loved one, divorce or estrangement, job loss, or a move away from your community. Perhaps the holidays are a reminder of past trauma. Even when everything in your life seems normal, the social expectations around holiday celebrations can be overwhelming. It’s all too easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others who seem to have it all together, especially through social media. All of these things can not only increase loneliness, but anxiety and depression as well.

If any of this feels familiar, know that you aren’t alone. In the last year, over half of Americans have reported feeling sadness and loneliness during the holidays. Loneliness at the holidays is incredibly common, despite the sparkly veneer of lights and gifts and sweet treats.

Mental Health Struggles During the Holidays

An increased sense of loneliness can lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms, especially ones we may have turned to in the past: substance abuse, disordered eating, and other addictive behaviors like mindless shopping. It’s also common to experience increased relationship conflict with family members and partners, given the social pressure to conform to old traditions that may not be comforting anymore.

Another mental health struggle that many experience during the holidays is meta-emotional cycles: in other words, having feelings about your feelings that exacerbate your despair. For example, you might feel loneliness, and then sadness or self-doubt in response to the loneliness: Why am I so isolated? Is there something wrong with me? Another example might be jealousy that others have partners and big families to celebrate with, followed by shame for being jealous: Why can’t I just be happy for others and content with my life? These meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to, making matters worse.

Therapy Tips For Managing Your Loneliness During the Holidays

The good news is that there are ways you can reorient yourself during the holiday season to protect and improve your mental health. These strategies may not fix your loss or erase past trauma, but rather, can serve as a touchstone for reminding yourself that you are not alone in the world, and joy is still possible.

1. Mindfulness practices – Take time to slow down and connect with your thoughts and feelings. A simple practice of journaling, writing down things you’re struggling with and things that you’re thankful for, can have the effect of reducing how overwhelmed you feel and stopping those meta-emotional cycles from spiraling out of control. Or you might try going outside for a winter walk and focusing on your senses to get out of your head and back into your body: enjoy the crunch of snow beneath your boots, the fog in the air, the wind on your cheeks, or a favorite song in your earbuds (even if it’s a sad one).

2. Make new traditions – Whether it’s because the old traditions don’t feel comforting anymore, or because doing them simply isn’t possible this year due to financial issues or travel constraints, it is okay to try new ways of celebrating. This is possible whether you have people to celebrate with or not. If the thought of trying to celebrate holidays alone makes you feel even more sad or self-conscious, consider an activity that will connect you with others in need, like helping out at a center for unhoused people or underprivileged groups.

3. Adjust expectations and boundaries – We all go into the holiday season with hopeful expectations that we will be surrounded by loved ones and everyone will have a merry time together, full of joy and delicious food and fun gifts. But some years, that’s just not how it works out, for a variety of disappointing reasons. In these times, adjusting our expectations – and communicating clearly with others to help them adjust their own expectations – can make room for other opportunities to find joy. So maybe this year, gathering together with loved ones just isn’t possible; talking about it early on and making other plans to connect over FaceTime or in-person at a later date can help ease the disappointment and reassure each other that you care. (Read this post for more tips on setting boundaries and expectations with loved ones during the holidays.)

4. Support through therapy – No matter how lonely you feel this holiday, remember that you don’t have to cope alone. Therapy can help you process your feelings, prepare for the hard moments, and find joy and comfort.

Get Extra Support This Holiday Season

There’s no better time to seek support from a therapist than during the holiday season. You don’t have to wait until the new year to get the support you need. At ECC, our diverse group of licensed therapists can help you process the loneliness of the season and offer new strategies for coping and connecting with others. Book an appointment with us today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

A Simple Reflection Tool To Help You "Spring" Into Action

Spring has arrived.  The time of year when the simple sight of daffodils gives us hope!  

We are reminded: If those delicate flowers can come to life after a bitterly cold winter, we too can bloom.  

This Spring feels a little different . . .maybe the end of three years of Winter?  

There are a lot of ways to describe the last 3 years. I still reference things that happened “just the other day” only to be reminded the event occurred in 2019 or early 2020.  Many of us felt the blur of the pandemic; life went on, but the edges weren’t clear.  Our children, our pets, our parents, WE got older–but time also stood still–milestones muted, growth stunted, and goals abandoned. 

But Spring has arrived and it is time for change. 

Those blurred edges have given way to a deep desire to mark progress.  Many people are searching for ways to see, or measure, progress within themselves.    

Change happens, but only when we decide to act.   

If you are feeling the blurred edges of life and want some clarity for change, try this simple exercise to Spring into action: “Stop. Start. Continue.”  

One year from today – what does your ideal life look like? 

To begin, you will need three blank sheets of paper. 

1)  Label one “STOP” the second “START” and the third “CONTINUE”. 

2)  Leave your phone and find a space with no distractions. Sit quietly.  Be prepared to be honest, open and real with yourself.  

ASK: What do you want in your life that you do not have now?  What is your ideal self and situation? 

Some of us may have trouble envisioning that life.  If so, look around you – who do you admire?  Is there a friend or colleague or instagram person you find yourself admiring or – envying?   Own those feelings.  Envy isn’t necessarily a bad emotion–use it as a tool.  Think of it as inspiration.  What about their life do you want for yours? 

REFLECT: On the STOP paper, write down all of the things you need to stop doing in order to have the life you envision.  Consider: Are there people you should not spend time with anymore?  What about destructive/unproductive activities?  Consumption of . . .? Habits? Be honest with yourself.  

EXPLORE:  On the START paper, write down actions you must take to be the person you envision in a year.  Don’t be overwhelmed, these are starting points. Consider actions which align with the person you imagine, not who you are today.  

CELEBRATE: On the CONTINUE paper, write down your actions and habits which make you feel proud and bring you joy.  What is working?  Be sure to record what you are already doing well! 

REVIEW:  STOP. START. CONTINUE. 

Before you is an outline for change. 

I did not invent this exercise.  But I love the simplicity and effectiveness.

I understand some of it looks difficult, and you may not “feel like doing it.” It is difficult to start.  Stop listening to your feelings and act. Feelings don’t last. Actions do. Act on your desire for change.  

Today, the edges are blurred, but actions solidify desires.  If you keep waiting until you “feel like it” – you will never bloom into the person you imagine.  

Welcome to Spring.  The season for change.  

5 Quick Ways to Manage Anxiety

Anxiety gets the best of us from time-to-time. In this blog post you will find five quick practical ways to manage anxiety, some takeaways to plan ahead, and other tips you can implement when you feel like the anxiety is building up.

Engage Your Senses

Often anxiety will build into sweeping thoughts and an intense emotional experience. Using the sense of touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing allows you to escape your internal experience by using your external experience to get lost in the moment.

Breathe with Mantra

If we can remember back to the nightmare that was gym class, telling ourselves as we were running laps, “just one more. I can do this!” while controlling your asthmatic breathing, we can use the same concept with anxiety. When we focus on a concept, we can force it into existence. Calm words, breed calm thoughts. Calm thoughts, breed calm experiences. 

Schedule and Follow

A lot of anxiety could be eliminated if we scheduled our day in a predictable way, to understand what emotions we can prepare for. Not just our work obligations and the exciting new restaurant we are going to on the weekend, but the boring things like laundry, and necessities like cooking, grocery shopping, seeing friends, and cleaning your home. This allows us to anticipate the future and be able to plan accordingly. 

What You Eat Matters

The old saying is true, when you eat well, you feel well. When we eat healthier foods, we feel better and we can better control our anxiety, instead of our anxiety controlling us. Eating more fruits and vegetables, while lowering our sugar and carbohydrates will help you with anxiety.

 Exercise

When we move during exercise serotonin is increased, which is a natural anti-anxiety neuro-chemical. Taking a morning walk and talking to a friend can help make exercise more enjoyable than a dreaded activity. 

Further Resources:

Podcast – Huberman Lab: How Food and Nutrient Control Our Moods. Dr. Andrew Huberman is an associate professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, Department of Neurobiology.

Blog – Men’s Health: Eat These Food to Beat Anxiety  

Drew Ramsey, MD gives several food that can help reduce anxiety.

Book – Chatter: The Voice in Our head, Why It Matters, and Hot to Harness It

National Bestseller and Conscious mind expert Dr. Ethan Kross’ book on helping calm the inner voice.

What is Self-Care?

Self-care has become a buzzword on the internet and across social media platforms. Google’s formal definition states, “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” Self-care is vital during moments of stress. However, creating purposeful rituals is most helpful when they are established before those periods of stress. Have you ever heard the phrase, you can’t pour from an empty cup? Well, someone once told me, the truth is hidden behind the word cliché.

You might envision self-care to be a day at the nail salon with a mimosa in hand, a pizza night streaming your favorite show, or taking a lavish beach vacation. Can those things be considered enjoyable and a way to decompress? Absolutely. Self-care is so much more than that though. It is meant to be intentional, and supports your overall well-being in a variety of ways. I often discuss it with clients as multiple buckets that you continuously pour into. Read on for the five buckets of self-care that I have categorized.

Physical: Fuel the endorphins with a HIIT workout, yoga, or walks around the park. Then drop that into your physical self-care bucket! It is not just about routine exercise though. Physical self-care can include your annual doctor visits, the nutrition you feed your body, and a good night's rest.

Mental: Take a break from the day-to-day by gently exercising your mind. Schedule just 5 minutes of book time before bed. Pull out a 1,000 piece puzzle, or challenge yourself with a daily Wordle puzzle.

Emotional: Connecting with your emotional world is vital. Consider a check-in with reflective journaling. There are great journal prompts online to support this. Write a few on a sticky note, place them into a jar, and pull one out a few times a week. Now this might be a given, but therapy! Are you anxious about a presentation? Talk to your therapist, and build out a cope-ahead strategy. Therapy is an hour a week dedicated just for you.

Relational: Find ways to connect regularly with the ones you feel supported by. Set a reminder on your phone to call one person every Friday afternoon. Attend a community event like a block party with your partner. Pick out an organization or social cause, and find ways to support it. Find a conversation starter card deck, and pull them out during a family dinner. These are just a few ways you can deepen and expand your relationships.

Spiritual: For some it can be a religious practice like prayer, or readings. However, spirituality can also be defined by activities that help nurture your spirit. Things that help you connect to your physical self. A mindful walk around the park engaging your senses, or a meditative yoga flow. A visit to a forest preserve with no technology. Identify what will help you step away from that monkey mind, and connect within.

Additional Resources: A highly recommended TedTalk by Portia Jackson-Preston.

Portia Jackson-Preston Discusses the Missing Ingredient in Self-Care

Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy as part of Holistic Wellness

Owner Danielle Zawadzki, LMFT talks about using DBT in therapy and its role in holistic wellness with Dr. Serena Wadhwa. Episode recorded on July 23, 2017.