New Year, Same You: A Guide for Healthy Resolutions

The new year is a clean slate, a chance to set intentions and try new ways of caring for yourself, your body, your aspirations, your relationships, your career… And yet, we’re all familiar with those feelings of shame and disappointment when we fall short of our resolutions. Self-compassion often takes a backseat to the goal we’re trying to achieve, and before we know it, we’ve failed to keep up with the rigorous diet and exercise routine, or trying to stay sober, and we’re deep in shame about it.

Now that we’re several days into 2024, it’s a good time to check in and make sure the goals we’re setting feel attainable. If you’re looking for guidance on how to meet this new year with hope for improving our lives in meaningful and lasting ways, here are a few therapy-based tips.

Why We Fail at New Year’s Resolutions

The thing about new years and resolutions is that we are still our same human selves, facing the same familiar stressors as last year (which was just days or weeks ago). What we know from decades of psychology studies on human behavior is that the more rigid and unrealistic our expectations for ourselves, the harder time we will have meeting those expectations – and caring for ourselves when we fall short.

This can create a vicious cycle of failure and shame:

• We set a resolution that we have a hard time living up to,

• Then we fail and feel angry and ashamed of ourselves,

• Then we double-down on our efforts, but still fall short

• Then we feel incapable and struggle with self-esteem, so we stop trying to achieve the resolution—or any resolution at all. (Meta-emotional cycles can exacerbate this.)

When we’re caught in this cycle, tapping into self-compassion and care becomes extremely difficult. The more ashamed we feel, the less likely we are to reach out to anyone for support, and loneliness becomes another factor that can worsen these feelings of shame and inadequacy.

How to Get Out of the Shame Cycle of Failed New Year’s Resolutions

Okay, so you set a goal that you couldn’t live up to, for one reason or another. Now what? You could scrap the whole idea of doing anything differently this year and just accept that you’re not capable of change, or… you could tap into self-compassion. One way to move forward with self-compassion and find hope with your new year resolutions is to honor your motivations while adjusting your goals. You’re self-aware enough to know that the way you’ve been doing things isn’t how you want to keep doing them. Honor your desire for change. But how that change can look is fluid and you have the agency to adjust your goals and strategies in a way that feels more comfortable and attainable.

The moment when we fail to follow our resolution or achieve the goal is a moment to check in with ourselves and reflect on our actions and feelings without judgment. What is our intuition telling us?

For example, let’s say your new year’s goal is to lose a certain amount of weight by following a strict nutrition plan you found online and go to the gym every weekday morning at 6AM. When you fail to either achieve the number on the scale or follow through with the routine, you could double-down by trying harder and being more strict with your habits, or you could take a moment to check in with your body’s needs and reflect on the motivation behind your resolution. Are you full or hungry? Do you need to rest, or do you have the urge to move? Do you want to change your diet and exercise habits because you want to be healthier, or because you’re self-conscious about the number on the scale? What would it look like to honor your desire for change, while also honoring your body’s needs?

Approach the New Year with Mindfulness

We’re all going to encounter moments this year where we’re disappointed with ourselves, ashamed of the ways we’re falling short, worried that we’re not capable of all that we hoped. Mindfulness is a really effective therapeutic tool that you can access in those tricky emotional moments to stop shame in its tracks, access self-compassion, and find a way forward. There are many different mindfulness strategies that can help regulate your emotions, but all of them involve some form of pausing when we feel emotionally dysregulated (anxious, frustrated, depressed), engaging the five senses to reconnect with our bodies, taking a moment to notice our emotions and investigate what triggered them, and moving forward with self-compassion.

Getting Support to Create Meaningful Change

Making meaningful, lasting change in your life is hard work! You don’t have to do it alone. If you’re struggling to form goals and find strategies for change that feel healthy and effective, therapy can help. You can talk with a therapist about what your hopes are, what your obstacles are, and find a path forward that feels right for you. At ECC, our diverse, multidisciplinary team of therapists can help you create a life that makes you feel happy and whole. Change is possible.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Managing Loneliness During the Holidays: Four Tips from a Therapist

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? The holidays are meant to be a time of connection and joy, but sometimes they can be a time of disconnection, grief, and isolation, especially if you have recently suffered a loss such as death of a loved one, divorce or estrangement, job loss, or a move away from your community. Perhaps the holidays are a reminder of past trauma. Even when everything in your life seems normal, the social expectations around holiday celebrations can be overwhelming. It’s all too easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others who seem to have it all together, especially through social media. All of these things can not only increase loneliness, but anxiety and depression as well.

If any of this feels familiar, know that you aren’t alone. In the last year, over half of Americans have reported feeling sadness and loneliness during the holidays. Loneliness at the holidays is incredibly common, despite the sparkly veneer of lights and gifts and sweet treats.

Mental Health Struggles During the Holidays

An increased sense of loneliness can lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms, especially ones we may have turned to in the past: substance abuse, disordered eating, and other addictive behaviors like mindless shopping. It’s also common to experience increased relationship conflict with family members and partners, given the social pressure to conform to old traditions that may not be comforting anymore.

Another mental health struggle that many experience during the holidays is meta-emotional cycles: in other words, having feelings about your feelings that exacerbate your despair. For example, you might feel loneliness, and then sadness or self-doubt in response to the loneliness: Why am I so isolated? Is there something wrong with me? Another example might be jealousy that others have partners and big families to celebrate with, followed by shame for being jealous: Why can’t I just be happy for others and content with my life? These meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to, making matters worse.

Therapy Tips For Managing Your Loneliness During the Holidays

The good news is that there are ways you can reorient yourself during the holiday season to protect and improve your mental health. These strategies may not fix your loss or erase past trauma, but rather, can serve as a touchstone for reminding yourself that you are not alone in the world, and joy is still possible.

1. Mindfulness practices – Take time to slow down and connect with your thoughts and feelings. A simple practice of journaling, writing down things you’re struggling with and things that you’re thankful for, can have the effect of reducing how overwhelmed you feel and stopping those meta-emotional cycles from spiraling out of control. Or you might try going outside for a winter walk and focusing on your senses to get out of your head and back into your body: enjoy the crunch of snow beneath your boots, the fog in the air, the wind on your cheeks, or a favorite song in your earbuds (even if it’s a sad one).

2. Make new traditions – Whether it’s because the old traditions don’t feel comforting anymore, or because doing them simply isn’t possible this year due to financial issues or travel constraints, it is okay to try new ways of celebrating. This is possible whether you have people to celebrate with or not. If the thought of trying to celebrate holidays alone makes you feel even more sad or self-conscious, consider an activity that will connect you with others in need, like helping out at a center for unhoused people or underprivileged groups.

3. Adjust expectations and boundaries – We all go into the holiday season with hopeful expectations that we will be surrounded by loved ones and everyone will have a merry time together, full of joy and delicious food and fun gifts. But some years, that’s just not how it works out, for a variety of disappointing reasons. In these times, adjusting our expectations – and communicating clearly with others to help them adjust their own expectations – can make room for other opportunities to find joy. So maybe this year, gathering together with loved ones just isn’t possible; talking about it early on and making other plans to connect over FaceTime or in-person at a later date can help ease the disappointment and reassure each other that you care. (Read this post for more tips on setting boundaries and expectations with loved ones during the holidays.)

4. Support through therapy – No matter how lonely you feel this holiday, remember that you don’t have to cope alone. Therapy can help you process your feelings, prepare for the hard moments, and find joy and comfort.

Get Extra Support This Holiday Season

There’s no better time to seek support from a therapist than during the holiday season. You don’t have to wait until the new year to get the support you need. At ECC, our diverse group of licensed therapists can help you process the loneliness of the season and offer new strategies for coping and connecting with others. Book an appointment with us today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

How to cope during the holidays

Family drama, financial strain, lack of routine, increases in substance use, and memories that can trigger grief and trauma - the holidays are rife with opportunities for emotional distress. Establishing a coping plan is essential to navigating the stress of the holiday season with your sanity intact. Consider the strategies below: 

1. Boundary setting is the number one skill I recommend for clients navigating the holiday season - especially those with interpersonal conflict. We have a finite amount of time and emotional resources on a given day. Consider how you can set and maintain effective boundaries this year to make the most of your time while minimizing stress. Here are some examples:

   *Instead of traveling to 4 different events over two days, consider saying “no” to 1 or 2 to allow more time to reset and rest between events. 

   *If you are visiting family that tends to be emotionally tiring, consider staying at an Airbnb this year instead of with family. Staying elsewhere provides space for alone time and rejuvenation for the next day. 

   *Conversely, if you have family staying with you strive to maintain parts of your routine - this may require setting boundaries and expectations with others. Routine and space allow you to fill your emotional reservoirs - i.e. continuing your morning walk, meditation, date night, etc. 

2. Budget - according to a Dec. 8th CNBC article, the average American is planning to spend $1000 this holiday season on gifts. No doubt this spending adds additional stress for the weeks and months ahead. Set a budget for gift-giving in advance and think about how you plan to manage the increased financial stressors pragmatically and emotionally.

3. Substance use - substance use tends to increase around the holiday season. The reasons for this are clear: increased stress, more parties and extravagance, less routine and minimal work obligations, and emotional triggers surrounding the holidays from grief, trauma, and depression. If you struggle with substance use around the holidays create a plan, seek out support from loved ones, and maintain vigilance in a difficult season. 

4. Grief & Trauma - alongside warm traditions and holiday memories exist a dark, painful underbelly for many during the holidays - painful memories of lost loved ones, trauma, and familial abuse. For loss, consider how you can honor your loved one by maintaining or establishing rituals that allow you to feel connected to those you have lost. For trauma, practice skills that help you navigate triggering events or memories - journaling, mindfulness, distraction, and anxiety management skills can all come in handy here. Do not wait for triggers to appear before applying coping skills - prevention is key.

What coping skills have worked for you during the holiday season?

Let us know in the comments below!