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Belonging, Healing, and the Words That Carry Us Home
“Should I stay in the U.S.? And if I do, what will that mean for me?” On the surface, it’s a practical question about visas, jobs, or futures. But beneath it is something deeper: a longing for belonging and authenticity…
The Question Beneath the Question
In my therapy work with expats, a question often arises: “Should I stay in the U.S.? And if I do, what will that mean for me?” On the surface, it’s a practical question about visas, jobs, or futures. But beneath it is something deeper: a longing for belonging and authenticity. The uncertainty of home can weigh heavily, and the ache of not knowing where one fits in can feel disorienting.
Literature often gives us words for this search. Asian-American writers, in particular, capture both the ache and beauty of living between worlds— offering not answers, but companionship.
Literature as a Mirror of Belonging
Hua Hsu, in his memoir Stay True, writes: “We were always searching for a place to belong, and in the meantime, we found it in each other.” Belonging, he reminds us, doesn’t always come from geography or paperwork. Sometimes it emerges in friendships and chosen communities that affirm who we are becoming.
Ocean Vuong echoes this in On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous: “The most beautiful part of your body is where it’s headed.” His words invite us to see belonging not as a fixed location, but as an unfolding journey.
The Emotional Landscape of Belonging
Clients often ask: If I stay, will I lose my authenticity? If I leave, am I giving something up? These questions are not just logistical— they are emotional landscapes filled with longing and loss.
Cathy Park Hong, in Minor Feelings, captures the dissonance of living in a country that doesn’t always see you clearly: “Minor feelings are the racialized emotions…built from the sediments of everyday racial experience and the irritant of having one’s perception of reality constantly questioned.” For many internationals, this describes the disorientation of being misrecognized—of trying to locate authenticity between external perception and inner truth.
Michelle Zauner, in Crying in H Mart, reminds us that belonging can also be cultivated through small rituals: “Food was how my mother expressed her love. And I dreamed of recreating that intimacy in America.” For many, the taste of a dish, a familiar song, or a phrase in their first language can ground them when everything else feels foreign.
Healing Through Story
In therapy, I’ve witnessed how clients find solace in the words of others. Reading a memoir or poem can offer a mirror: I’m not alone in this struggle. Hua Hsu’s grief for his friend in Stay True is deeply personal, yet universal—reminding us that we heal in the act of remembering, in holding onto the threads of connection.
Maxine Hong Kingston captures this kind of healing beautifully: “I learned to make my mind large, as the universe is large, so that there is room for paradoxes.” Belonging is not about erasing contradictions but holding them gently. Healing means making room for both the ache of displacement and the beauty of chosen connections.
Gentle Invitations for You
If you are wrestling with belonging, here are a few invitations:
Reflect in writing: Where do you feel most at home— in your body, in memory, in a place, or with certain people?
Seek resonance: Explore the works by writers like Hua Hsu, Ocean Vuong, Cathy Park Hong, Michelle Zauner, or Maxine Hong Kingston. Check out our recommended reading list below for links to their work. Notice which words echo your journey.
Create ritual: Food, music, language, or community gatherings can become anchors of belongings, wherever you are.
Recommended Reading List
Ocean Vuong – On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous
Cathy Park Hong – Minor Feelings
Michelle Zauner – Crying in H Mart
Jhumpa Lahiri – In Other Words
Maxine Hong Kingston – The Woman Warrior
Li-Young Lee – Rose (poetry)
Belonging as Practice
The question “Should I stay?” often transforms into a deeper one: “How do I belong, wherever I am?”
Literature reminds us that belonging may not be a destination but a practice— an act of weaving together memory, identity, and chosen connection. And in therapy, as in literature, we come to see that healing is not about erasing dislocation, but about learning how to belong to ourselves while finding spaces where we are seen and loved.
Mental Health Support for Expats and Immigrants in Chicago
Exploring questions of belonging and making decisions about where you build your life can feel like a lonely process. At ECC Chicago, our therapists strive to understand each client’s unique journey, and we are committed to providing culturally responsive care. Our team comes from diverse, multicultural backgrounds, and we offer multilingual therapy here in Spanish, Mandarin, Thai, and Korean, both in person and online. If you are seeking therapists with cultural humility who can walk alongside you through the challenges of being an expat or immigrant, we’re here to support you.
ABOUT ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.
“Who Am I? Where Do I Fit In?” How Cultural Expectations and Trauma Shape Immigrant Identity
Immigrant families often carry histories shaped by poverty, war, displacement, political persecution, or natural disasters. These experiences leave a deep imprint—not just on those who directly endured them, but on future generations. Trauma shows up in parenting, family roles, and communication patterns. This can create emotional distance between generations.
“I feel like I am living for the past 15 years of my professional life in the whipped cream. The whipped cream is not what you expect, but when it comes, it is all extra. I've been living in the extra.”
— Ocean Vuong, Vietnamese American poet
Ocean Vuong’s words speak to the layered reality many immigrants experience— particularly those whose families arrived in the United States seeking safety, opportunity, or simply survival. For many immigrants, especially those from developing nations or lower socioeconomic backgrounds, the definition of a “good life” is humble: having enough food, a roof over your head, and the ability to live another day. Yet in modern Western society, such a life is often viewed as insufficient, unambitious—even a failure.
Navigating two cultures is never easy. Immigrants and their children often face implicit or overt shame simply for being “different.” The culture they carry with them—embedded in language, customs, and even in something as simple as food—can be met with judgment. Many remember moments from childhood when they felt embarrassed bringing home-cooked meals to school, only to be ridiculed for unfamiliar smells or flavors.
The Grief of Identity: When Belonging Feels Elusive
There is a unique kind of grief that arises when you realize how your appearance, accent, culture, or even fashion choices influence how others perceive and treat you. It’s not just about “fitting in”; it’s about reconciling the multiple layers of who you are.
Second-generation immigrants often voice a deep identity conflict: For instance, “I’m not Asian enough in my country of origin because I grew up in the U.S., but I’m not American enough here either.”
These feelings of not being “enough” stem from many sources: historical trauma, racialization, and generational misunderstandings. Adolescents, especially, may feel torn between wanting to fit in with peers and preserving their cultural identity. Over time, as they conform and find belonging among their peers, the shame may fade—but another emotion creeps in: loss.
There is a quiet mourning for the parts of self that are suppressed in the process of assimilation. Despite outward confidence and friendships, many still carry a sense of disconnection. They feel as though they’re performing a version of themselves. Some come to realize they may never fully fit in—due to an invisible, deeply rooted barrier shaped by history and power.
Healing does not require erasing the barrier entirely—but it does ask us to name it, to say: “I see it, and I want to understand.” No one should have to carry the burden of bridging the cultural gap alone.
The Legacy of Trauma: How Past Pain Shapes Family Life
Immigrant families often carry histories shaped by poverty, war, displacement, political persecution, or natural disasters. These experiences leave a deep imprint—not just on those who directly endured them, but on future generations. Trauma shows up in parenting, family roles, and communication patterns.
This can create emotional distance between generations. Children, especially those raised in the host culture, may find themselves more emotionally aware or fluent than their parents, yet feel unseen or misunderstood at home.
First-generation immigrant struggles may include:
Maintaining relationships with family in their home country, despite vastly different lived experiences.
Coping with guilt or grief from witnessing continued suffering back home.
Building a new support system in a host culture with different values around closeness and autonomy.
Children of immigrants often bear additional burdens:
Serving as language brokers and cultural translators.
Feeling responsible for their family’s upward mobility.
Navigating unspoken expectations to succeed while suppressing their own needs or emotional pain.
These layered roles can leave both generations feeling isolated, living under the same roof but in vastly different emotional worlds.
Healing Across Generations: Reclaiming Voice and Identity
Healing from cultural and generational trauma is a non-linear and deeply personal journey. It requires reckoning with what was lost and rediscovering what can be reclaimed. Therapeutic support can be a vital companion along the way. A culturally-responsive therapist can help you explore and reconcile the different parts of your identity as an immigrant or child of immigrants. Here are some therapy practices that can support this healing process for immigrants and children of immigrants:
Foster understanding. Each family and cultural history is unique. Gaining clarity about the historical and generational context of your experiences can help you make sense of what happened—and recognize that it wasn’t your fault.
Recognize and care for your inner parts. Identify the parts of yourself that carry emotional wounds. Gently unblend from those "exiled" parts holding trauma, and approach them with curiosity, compassion, and care.
Connect with others. You are not alone in this process. Seek out relationships or communities where you feel safe and supported in your emotional vulnerability.
Cultivate body awareness. Trauma lives in the nervous system. Attending to your somatic experiences can help you develop both physical and emotional safety.
Explore meaning. Reflect on how you make sense of what happened to you and your family. Reclaim your narrative in a way that feels empowering and aligned with your truth.
Affirm agency. Acknowledge the impact of systemic oppression while empowering yourself to reclaim your voice, challenge internalized shame, and co-create spaces of collective care.
Culturally-Responsive Therapy for Immigrant Experiences
Who am I? Where do I belong? These questions are not signs of confusion or weakness—they are the beginning of healing. They emerge when we dare to hold the contradictions of our identity and honor the fullness of our experience.
To immigrants and children of immigrants navigating these questions: you are not alone. Your grief is valid. Your voice matters. And your story is worth telling— not just for yourself, but for the generations to come.
At ECC Chicago, all of our therapists are committed to providing culturally-responsive care to help you explore how your cultural identity is impacting your mental health and relationships. We offer multilingual therapy in Spanish, Mandarin, and Korean, both in person and online. If you’re looking for culturally competent therapy near you, we’re here to help.
ABOUT ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.