Speaking With Your Child About Their Pronouns - A Therapist's Perspective

“Being transgender [or non-binary] is not just a medical transition; it’s discovering who you are, living your life authentically, loving yourself, and spreading that love towards other people and accepting one another no matter the difference.” — Jazz Jennings

It wasn’t too long ago when my child said to me, “Mom, did you know that some parents do not accept their pronouns?” 

Yes. Yes, I did know some people’s parents did not accept their pronouns.

But I have a hard time explaining why.  

That doesn’t mean my child’s pronouns have been easy for me to understand, or get right.  In some spaces, I still refer to my child as “she” – because it is easier.  Easier for whom?  A question for a different day.  

First, I can only try to address why some parents do not accept their child’s pronouns.  There is an easy explanation – it isn’t grammatically correct.  Then the reasoning gets more complicated: “It defies science.” “There is no such thing.” “It’s just a phase.” “We were made boys or girls.” “Society will make your life harder.” “What else will “they/them” lead to?” The list of excuses is endless.    

Before I was a therapist, I was an English teacher for over two decades. My own child was more nervous of my English background when they told me: “Mom, I think you are going to be upset with me . . . my pronouns are not grammatically correct.” 

I am proud of both of the above anecdotes, each suggesting a broader world in which I allowed my child to exist–at least for a bit – it never occurred to them that I would not accept their place on the gender spectrum and for a while, they believed the whole world was open.  

And yet even with that ease for my child, they suffer.  Trans kids suffer over a body that defies their vision of themselves, they suffer over gender roles at school, on teams, a constant barrage of asking: which bathroom should they go to? What clothes can they wear? They do not fit typical expectations, they suffer the language telling them they are something to make laws against. They suffer in ways we simply cannot even envision, because we are not non-binary, we are not queer, we are not capable of knowing or understanding their experience.   

They suffer.  

The statistics for queer children who preform self harm and contemplate suicide are three times the rates of typical kids.  Three times.  And yet we know the one factor which allows for queer kids to bring those numbers to the same rate as typical kids is familial acceptance.  

Maybe we aren’t meant to understand. I know we aren’t meant to judge.  

Mom and dad, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, all caregivers, I know you love your queer children. Protect them.  Accept them.  Love them. 

How to Support a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

Eating disorders are serious life threatening illnesses, and they do not discriminate regardless of age, race, gender identity, sexual orientation, or background. Most often you cannot infer from the outside an individual is struggling with an eating disorder. The thought that weight is the only indicator someone is struggling, can perpetuate the secrecy and shame surrounding the struggle. Once you pull back the shade around this stigma, you can then keep an eye out for the warning signs. 

Supporting a loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder can be frightening and overwhelming; however, connection and communal support are key to recovery. Here are some quick tips to consider if you want to provide care for someone struggling with an eating disorder:

Tip #1 Educate yourself and make a plan: It can be difficult to approach your loved one about their eating disorder. There can be a lot of fear and emotions involved, so it is important to feel prepared. Prepare what you want to say and how. Invest in further reading about eating disorders to gain a deeper understanding and compassion for the struggle your loved one is experiencing. Avoid suggestions, and general statements like, “you need to stop.” Map out your key main points, then find a private location and time to talk (How to help a loved one. (2017, February 26).

Tip # 2 Approach with care: The pain your loved one is experiencing can be rooted in deep shame. It is vital to approach from a neutral and loving standpoint. Be sure to use I-statements, like, “I notice you are going to the gym a lot, and I am worried about you. I want to find a way to help you” (Eating disorders: Common warning signs. (2021, June 7).

Tip #3 Don’t give up: Know that they might not initially accept your support, but do not give up. It is important to find the balance between compassion and assertiveness, as getting them the help they need is vital. Allow space for them to express their potential worries, and offer to make the first treatment phone call with them (Eating disorders: Common warning signs. (2021, June 7).

Tip #4 Separate them from their eating disorder: Your loved one is not their eating disorder, and separating the two shows it can be tackled. Find windows where they acknowledge their symptoms, and how it might impact what they want for themselves. For example, if they love the outdoors, but are feeling tired and lethargic. Use that as a chance to express how you want them to gain back their energy in order to go camping and hiking like they’ve wanted to.

Tip # 5 Find support for YOU: Being a supporter to your loved one and their eating disorder can be an emotional journey. Not only does your loved one need to know they are not alone, so do you. Find a family member support group, or seek individual therapy so you have a space to process your experiences.

Sources:

Eating disorders: Common warning signs. (2021, June 7). National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. https://anad.org/get-informed/eating-disorders-warning-signs/

How to help a loved one. (2017, February 26). National Eating Disorders Association. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers

Additional Resources:

Identity and Eating Disorders

ANAD - Eating Disorder Statistics

Eating Disorder Warning Signs

NEDA- Support Resources

Creating a Routine with Adolescents during COVID-19

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

In the midst of the current Pandemic, there is uncertainty, transitioning and anxiety. Maybe you are now working from home, and maybe your spouse or partner is also working from home. This is a tough transition in itself. Maybe your adolescents are ALSO E-Learning at home. At this point, you may have lost your mind. And you are the only one in that boat! Say it with me….. “this too shall pass.” But when? How? What will we do until then? I am going to break down some techniques for you and your family in order to help ease some of the cabin fever, getting on each other’s nerves and overall stress of everyone trying to be productive while at home. 

Create a Schedule or Routine

As I am sure you know by now, your normal routine is out the window at this point. It’s okay- we can get it back on track. Try and keep a routine or schedule as close to the normal one as possible. This means waking up at a decent time- this does not have to be the same exact time, but as close to that as possible. Try to keep it within an hour of when your adolescent would normally wake up for school. Create a list of things they normally would need to do before school (this may be modified since it won’t be exactly the same). Develop a list of expectations, for example: brush your teeth, take a shower, eat breakfast. Teens need structure even if they fight you on it. It helps them to develop a routine and could help in the future when they need to do this on their own. 

Make sure they have lunch at a normal lunch time- and end the “school day” at a similar time they normally would- unless they finish everything earlier. After their schoolwork is done, make sure there is still a focus on the routine. Once they finish everything, make sure there is time for dinner, any nighttime routine, and a bedtime (again, as close to the normal routine as possible).  

Set Breaks 

It can be more difficult for a teen to be doing schoolwork at home. They are not used to sitting for that long in one place. Remember, at school they are taking time to get to school, going from classroom to classroom, and having small breaks throughout the day. Figure out when the best time to have breaks are. It would be helpful to have a schedule such as doing work for 25 minutes- then having a 5-minute break. Do this 4 times and then have a 30-minute break (This is called the Pomodoro Technique). They need to be up and moving during these breaks too, not just sitting on their phones. 

Boundaries and Limits on Games/Social Media

This is a big one- this should not be a free-for-all with unlimited use of technology. Just remember, the more lenient you are during this time, the harder it will be to get back to normalcy when this is all over. Make sure there are clear boundaries with technology. Try to stick to how it normally is when they get home from school. If they are typically allowed one hour of video games after school- keep that consistent or at least close. If they are doing well in their routine and staying on track, feel free to provide positive reinforcement by giving them some extra time. 

Plan Activities with Them, not for Them

We all are feeling this- people are BORED. When you have a teen in the house it becomes a distant memory of them wanting to participate in family activities. It is important to make sure they are not just isolating in their rooms all day. Create a rule that works with your family, something along the lines of, for every hour you are in your room you must come out for ten minutes. They don’t have to interact with people, but they need to get out of their room for that time. Ask them what they would like to do as a family. A lot of times teens don’t want to do something with the family just because their parent came up with the idea- it is important for them to feel like they had a part in planning something. Ask them, “I want you to pick one thing we can do in the house as a family this week.” Tell them each person in the family gets to pick an activity for the rest to do. If you come up with something like a puzzle, ask them what kind they would like. It’s all about a sense of control here- they just want to feel more like they were heard, versus forced to do something. 

Have Designated Spaces

This is important for the adult and the teen. With everyone doing work at home, it’s important to have your own spaces and make it consistent. Just like I would tell an adult to not do their work from their bed (it causes loose boundaries for work/life balance), tell the same to your teen. Homework should be done in an area that promotes learning and creates the least amount of distractions. Each person can have their own area, if possible, so there isn’t a sense of crowdedness. 

Most Importantly- Stay Calm and Breathe

This is something most people never thought they would need to prepare for. Say it with me... “you are not alone, and you are doing the best that you can!” It’s okay if things aren’t perfect, we are all learning and adapting. Just as you are feeling, your teens are also feeling anxious, bored, and stuck. This is something you can relate to them on. Ask them how they are doing, are they managing everything okay? Are they able to keep up with the schoolwork or do they need help? It’s good to just check in with them because they are also in a huge transition. They can’t see their friends or go to school to have a break from home. This is also a loss for them. Talk about it as a family and figure out what you’re feeling and how you can make the most out of this time. 

It’s important to check in with yourself and those around you during this unprecedented time. If you are looking to connect with a mental health counselor at this time, please do not hesitate to contact us at Empowered Connections Counseling. You will find all of our information on our website at www.empoweredconnectionscounseling.com.