BLOG

family therapy, individual therapy Gia Scalise family therapy, individual therapy Gia Scalise

Loving From a Distance: Boundaries & Estrangement with Difficult Parents

Setting boundaries with a parent can feel confusing, painful, and even taboo, especially if you were raised to "honor thy father and mother." Maybe your parent dismisses your feelings, crosses emotional or physical boundaries, or makes you feel responsible for their moods. If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone.

Setting boundaries with a parent can feel confusing, painful, and even taboo, especially if you were raised to "honor thy father and mother." Maybe your parent dismisses your feelings, crosses emotional or physical boundaries, or makes you feel responsible for their moods. If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. In fact, estrangement between adult children and their parents is on the rise in the U.S. In this post, we'll unpack why child-parent estrangement is becoming more common, how to set boundaries with your parents if you're experiencing conflict, and how to know when to go low- or no-contact. 

Why is Estrangement Between Parents and Children Becoming More Common? 

A 2022 study found that roughly one in four adults are estranged from at least one parent: six percent of respondents reported being estranged from their mothers, while another 26% reported being estranged from their father. Most respondents of the study were in their early 20s when they became estranged from their parent(s). So what's driving this rise in estrangement? Estrangement is very personal and unique to each relationship, but there are some commonalities across gender, race, and family background, such as:

  • Evolving Definitions of Harm or Trauma: In his book, "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict," clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman cites research on the evolving definition of trauma over the last 30 years or so; experiences that used to be accepted as normal or harmless are now seen for the emotional or psychological damage they can inflict on a person, even if that damage was unintentional. 

  • Political Differences: In a Harris Poll released after the 2024 election, just one in five respondents directly attributed their estrangement directly to political differences. For most people, the political differences are just one contributing factor in the bigger picture, or a symptom of a deeper rift.

  • Patterns of Dysfunction & Abuse: As young adults mature and form their own identities separate from their families, it is common to experience a perspective shift on familial dynamics that were once tolerated or considered normal and begin to recognize recurring patterns. 

What Defines a Toxic Parent

Recognizing patterns of dysfunction and abuse may be hard to come to grips with, especially if one parent’s behavior is tolerated by many people in the family. Personal experiences can feel subjective, especially in a society that often teaches children to suppress their emotions. When you reflect on painful interactions with your parents, a part of you might be wondering, am I just more sensitive than everyone else in my family? How do I know that it’s “abuse”? I know other people have had it worse than me, but what my parent(s) did still hurt. Is this really trauma? 

Identifying the harm and naming the behavior for what it is is an important part of the process of rebuilding self-trust, agency in your relationship with your parents, and healing the wound. Despite what you might have been told by your parent or family member, there are objective signs that your parent is engaging in toxic behavior toward you, such as:

  • They try to control your behavior

  • They lack concern for and are dismissive of your feelings 

  • They offer excessive criticism 

  • They make you feel bad about yourself 

  • They don’t support or celebrate you 

  • They physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse you

Do any of these signs feel familiar? Even if your parent(s) checks all the boxes of toxic behavior, you may not want to distance yourself completely. Parent-child relationships, like all relationships, exist on a spectrum of closeness. There are many points along that spectrum between close and estranged. You can start by setting clear and firm boundaries, and if they have a hard time respecting your boundaries or continue to exhibit toxic behavior, you can choose to go low-contact (limited interactions, staying somewhere else instead of at their house when visiting family, etc). 

How to Set Boundaries with Toxic Parents

As psychotherapist Prentis Hemphill wisely said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” With that in mind, here are some steps to help you set and maintain boundaries that protect your well-being while navigating a difficult relationship with a parent.

  • Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and difficult, especially if this is a new dynamic, but following through is incredibly important. Reflect on your needs and values, what you feel comfortable with, and what feels both accessible and enforceable. 

  • Remember that you do not have to go all or nothing, and you can start slow. This can be a process. Be gentle with yourself and any conflicting emotions you feel. 

  • Clearly communicate your expectations to your parent(s) and how you will respond if your boundaries aren’t respected. 

  • Be direct without being cruel or dismissive. Boundary work can support breaking intergenerational cycles of emotional and physical harm, so while any anger, hurt, or resentment you feel is absolutely valid and deserves space, approach this with a focus of caring for yourself and acting in alignment with your values. 

  • Boundaries can be hard to accept, so your parent(s) may lash out. Don’t feel like you need to debate or adjust the expectations you’ve set to accommodate their feelings or displeasure. Remember that boundaries are not about hurting someone else; they’re about reinforcing that you are worthy of respect, care, and relationships that support you. 

  • Be firm and consistent. If you want your parent(s) to respect your boundaries, you need to respect your own boundaries first. 

When to Go Limited or No Contact 

Recognizing when a relationship has become too damaging is difficult, especially when it involves a parent. If you're wondering whether it's time to go low- or no-contact, here are some signs that distance may be the healthiest choice.

  • If physical, emotional, or verbal abuse persists

  • If you continue to set boundaries that are violated or not respected 

  • If your parent(s) continues to invalidate your feelings 

  • If you find yourself feeling perpetually exhausted, overwhelmed, and uncared for in communication and engagement with your parent(s)

  • If you’ve made attempts to repair the relationship but your parent(s) is unwilling to change

Therapy Support for Painful Parental Relationships

Going limited or no-contact is a complicated decision, but sometimes, despite best efforts, it’s the next step in the process of protecting yourself. The consequences can be very emotionally devastating, and it’s normal for there to be feelings of grief and loss, even with the shifting or ending of toxic relationships. Give yourself permission and space to feel those feelings and take care of them, as well as yourself. 

The most important thing to remember is that you are worthy of respectful, caring relationships. You don’t have to cope with painful parental relationships alone. If you’re struggling to set boundaries with your parent(s), advocate for yourself and your needs in family settings, or you’re grieving estrangement, our therapists at ECC are here to help. We'll match you with the right therapist and therapy approach to help you process your experiences and find healthy ways to communicate and honor your needs. 

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Read More
individual therapy Tim Ciochon MS, LMFT individual therapy Tim Ciochon MS, LMFT

How to Heal from Religious Trauma

A person's religious upbringing can have as much influence on them as their family of origin, shaping how they see and interact with the world around them. In this post, we'll cover the basics of religious trauma and how therapy can help survivors of religious trauma deconstruct their experiences, find new meaning, and rebuild their value system.

A person's religious upbringing can have as much influence on them as their family of origin, shaping how they see and interact with the world around them. Choosing to leave that religion or faith community is often a deeply painful experience, with many ripple effects. Even after leaving the group or beliefs behind, it can be harder to leave the thought patterns behind, resulting in continued pain and confusion. In this post, we'll cover the basics of religious trauma and how therapy can help survivors of religious trauma deconstruct their experiences, find new meaning, and rebuild their value system.

What is Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma syndrome, while not yet a formal diagnosis, is a widely accepted concept among clinicians and religious scholars. Similar to complex trauma disorders, religious trauma can impact a person emotionally, relationally, cognitively, sexually, spiritually, and physically. 

According to Dr. Marlene Winell, psychologist and religious trauma expert: 

“Religious Trauma Syndrome is the condition experienced by people who are struggling with leaving an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and coping with the damage of indoctrination. It is a function of both the chronic abuses of harmful religion and the impact of severing one’s connection with one’s faith group.”

What Causes Religious Trauma? 

Often, individuals experiencing religious trauma were members of high-control (a.k.a. high-demand) religions or religious groups. These groups are most often defined as exerting control over individual members. You can often identify high-control religions by the following: 

  • Authoritarian Leadership – The spiritual leaders may avoid or dismiss open dialogue, and their authority is treated as unquestionable.

  • Exclusive Truth Claims – The leaders make claims such as, “Only WE have and know the truth about the world.”

  • Fear-Based Messaging – Behavioral adherence is reinforced through fear of hell, punishment, and other divine negative consequences. 

  • Behavior Control – There are strict rules governing how people in the group behave, such as clothing, relationships, sex, education, diet, money, and more.

  • Shame Manipulation – High-control religious groups often use and abuse self-surveillance and a person’s feelings of unworthiness to maintain control over them.

  • Information Control – It’s common in high-control religion to restrict certain outside materials such as movies, books, or music.

  • Isolationism – Members within the group discourage contact with outsiders or “non-believers,” unless it is for the explicit purpose of proselytizing and converting the outsiders into believers. 

  • Shunning – Members who question authority or teaching or those that leave are shunned, ostracized, and demonized.

  • Identity Suppression – Being part of the group becomes members’ core identity, erasing other identities one might have or interests that fall outside the accepted group norms.

(See further: Hassan, 2015; Winell, 2011)

All of these markers of high-control religious groups are ingredients that contribute to religious trauma and can create the environment for adverse religious experiences, such as: 

  • Sexual and/or emotional abuse by a spiritual leader 

  • Physical and emotional abuse from a parent or caregiver to "break a child's will" 

  • Discrimination, rejection, and/or conversion therapy based on a person's LGBTQIA+ identity

  • Purity culture and sexual shame 

  • Patriarchal control 

  • Homeschooling, hyper-religious education, and even educational neglect based on gender

  • Being forced to give up a skill, hobby, sport, or other interest because it doesn't fit religious expectations

  • Forced "faith-healing" for disability or illness

  • Medical neglect due to religious beliefs

  • Coercive leadership

  • Breakups with romantic partners or friends over religious differences 

  • Fear of hell, rapture, or apocalypse 

Signs You Might Have Religious Trauma

As with other types of trauma, religious trauma can trigger all sorts of symptoms that can make it hard to function in daily life, connect with others, and feel at peace with oneself. A few common examples include: 

Cognitive symptoms, such as difficulty making decisions, frequent dissociation, or identity confusion. In high-control religion, people are taught (often from a very young age) to suppress their emotions, intuition, and ability to think critically about things in deference to the spiritual authority of the group, or of a higher power. Even after leaving the high-control religion behind, it takes work to exercise those skills and rebuild self-trust. 

Emotional symptoms, such as anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, shame, loneliness, and more. Leaving behind high-control religion can trigger deep, complex emotions as a person processes their experiences and grieves how they impacted their life, from relationships that are forever changed, to belief systems that caused harm. 

Functional symptoms, such as sleep disturbance (including nightmares), eating issues, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, and somatic complaints (e.g., pain, fatigue, etc.) Even after leaving a religion or faith community, the deeply embedded messages of shame, self-loathing, and fear can be difficult to overcome and can manifest in physical ways. 

Social or cultural symptoms, such as difficulty building strong relationships, struggles with fitting in and belonging, fractured relationships with family and friends, and problems assimilating into mainstream society. Who am I without the religious beliefs and community I spent so many years in? How do I help people understand what I've been through? These are the kinds of questions that survivors of religious trauma often ask themselves after they've left high-control religion because changing their beliefs often comes with relational consequences. Survivors often have to rebuild community and interests from scratch, which can feel painful and isolating. 

  • It is also common to experience employment and financial issues after leaving high-control religion, especially if someone built their career inside of that community, such as a minister. 

How Therapy Can Help You Heal from Religious Trauma 

In therapy, your therapist can work with you to process your experiences with high-control religion and deconstruct what happened to you, and what it means. If you're familiar with the concept of religious trauma, you've probably already begun this deconstruction process. Yet healing from religious trauma is more than deconstructing; reconstructing your sense of self is just as important. Your therapist can work with you to:

  • Find new meaning in life  

  • Rebuild your own sense of morals and ethics 

  • Learn how to say yes to things, not just no

  • Navigate relationships with conservative family

  • Explore dating, sex, and pleasure with confidence and peace

  • Establish boundaries and privacy 

  • Build healthy conflict resolution skills 

Religious Trauma Therapy in Chicago

Whether you were a true believer or were always struggling to prove your faithfulness, you didn't deserve the harm that religious trauma caused you. As you work through the process of deconstructing and reconstructing your sense of self, our team at ECC is here to offer support and compassion. We'll match you with the right therapist and therapy approach to help you find new meaning and build healthy connections with the world around you. 

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Read More
individual therapy, family therapy Tim Ciochon MS, LMFT individual therapy, family therapy Tim Ciochon MS, LMFT

Today’s Problem - Yesterday’s Survival

Imagine the first time a client enters a therapist's office, revealing years of self-medicating trauma and anxiety by way of alcohol and drugs. Shame hangs heavy in these moments, with the focus fixed solely on breaking free from dependence and addiction. Yet, as therapists, we are attuned to a deeper truth - that these problematic behaviors were once functional survival mechanisms, borne out of pain. The troublesome coping skills you are faced with today at one time served a crucial purpose. 

Imagine the first time a client enters a therapist's office, revealing years of self-medicating trauma and anxiety by way of alcohol and drugs. Shame hangs heavy in these moments, with the focus fixed solely on breaking free from dependence and addiction. Yet, as therapists, we are attuned to a deeper truth - that these problematic behaviors were once functional survival mechanisms, borne out of pain. The troublesome coping skills you are faced with today at one time served a crucial purpose.  

The coping journey from function to detriment can manifest in different ways: substance abuse, disordered eating, addictions, avoidance, people-pleasing, isolation, etc. Regardless of the coping mechanism and the pain they may be causing you today, at one point they served a purpose.

Self-compassion is essential as a starting point - you were (and are) doing the best you can to try to manage distressing emotions by whatever means necessary even if self-destructive over time. You didn’t set out to develop a maladaptive approach to life or relationships - you were trying to survive a painful experience. 


The good news is that there are other ways to attend to and manage distress outside of the coping skills you cultivated across the lifespan. We must address the underlying problem and the problematic solutions. In therapy you can uncover not only the why but also the how to approach challenges or situations in a more sustainable way that aligns with your values.

Read More
family therapy, individual therapy Iwona S Florianowicz MSc., CCTP family therapy, individual therapy Iwona S Florianowicz MSc., CCTP

Coping with Emotional Trauma During the Holidays


Holidays are supposed to be joyous and happy, but for many, it is a time of overwhelming stress. We may overextend ourselves emotionally and physically with a strong desire for belonging and connecting with others. For many of us, getting together with our families and friends brings joy and happiness; however, for others, it is the worst time of the year as it reminds them of an extremely stressful or disturbing event where they felt hopeless and emotionally out of control – traumatized. It is a time that can trigger all sorts of complicated feelings, memories, and anxieties.

Holidays are supposed to be joyous and happy, but for many, it is a time of overwhelming stress. We may overextend ourselves emotionally and physically with a strong desire for belonging and connecting with others. For many of us, getting together with our families and friends brings joy and happiness; however, for others, it is the worst time of the year as it reminds them of an extremely stressful or disturbing event where they felt hopeless and emotionally out of control – traumatized. It is a time that can trigger all sorts of complicated feelings, memories, and anxieties. Trauma happens to everyone and if not resolved can have a detrimental effect on an individual and their relationships. While holidays bring bright spots for many of us, it can bring unique struggles undeniably faced by trauma survivors as they may have to meet family or friends that were the source of the psychological trauma, were unsupportive or toxic, or did not value their mental or personal well-being. For many survivors of emotional trauma, holidays may represent anniversaries and reminders of the past hurt or traumatic experiences. For those individuals even the slight prospect of visiting family or friends can bring up feelings of shame, fear, dread or ambivalence, leaving them trapped and unable to cope.
Emotional and psychological trauma is extremely painful, even without physical injury. Part of the reason is that it is invisible to others and difficult to share. Many of you will have different trauma histories involving very different triggers and varying levels of responses as well as stages in recovery. It is important to know that although emotional injuries will not merely go away, healing from trauma is possible although it may take days, months, or even years. Know that you are not alone and help is available, and that having self-care strategies at hand can help many of you to not only to speed up your recovery but also to cope during the holidays.


Recognizing signs and triggers of emotional trauma can be helpful to you to take control of your responses in the present moment when your whole body and mind go on ''overdrive''. 


What is Emotional Trauma?
Trauma is incredibly interpersonal and does not discriminate based on gender, social class, race, sexual orientation, age, culture, religion or ethnicity. In every family or relationship that we form as adults, there is a heightened risk of experiencing strong emotional, cognitive, physical and psychological reactions. Whether you suffered childhood abuse, were in an abusive romantic relationship, an acrimonious divorce, bear a witness to a horrific event, were a prisoner of a war, or have experienced workplace bullying, the effects of psychological trauma can last a lifetime.

Emotional and psychological trauma is defined as ‘'damage to the psyche (mind) that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event''. These events are often perceived as life-threatening over which you have no control as if you are trapped without any means of escaping. When you experience an intense and painful event, all areas of your life are negatively impacted often leading to the development of depression, anxiety, posttraumatic injury, addictions, phobias or social and relational problems. This might leave you with ‘'emotional scars'', often feeling emotionally exhausted and isolated. It is important to note here that there are two components to your experience of trauma: your subjective and objective knowledge of the event. The more you believe that you or the life of other is at risk, the more traumatized you will be. It is without any doubt that trauma is psychologically overwhelming causing strong emotions and an utter feeling of helplessness. However, the details or the meaning of an event that is most distressing for you will not necessarily be the same for others. Trauma comes in many forms and is experienced differently by each individual.


You may experience emotional trauma if:


  • You were unprepared for it


  • It was out of your control


  • You felt powerless to prevent the event


  • You have experienced the event repeatedly 


  • It was extremely cruel


  • It happened during your childhood


Traumatic events might be related to your or loved one's physical or mental health, past traumatic experiences, coping skills, personality traits, social and emotional support at the time of the event, or specific stressful or horrific situation.


Childhood trauma can be caused by the following events:


  • Growing up in an unstable or unsafe home/environment


  • Being separated from or abandoned by a parent or a caregiver


  • Basic needs of food, shelter, clothing were not met


  • Experienced serious illness or intrusive medical procedures


  • Sexual, physical, or verbal abuse


  • Domestic violence or homicide/suicide/murder


  • Neglect 


If your trauma happened years ago, know that there are steps you can take to recover from the past emotional injuries and hurts, by learning how to trust and connect with others and reclaiming your emotional balance.

Reactions to traumatic ordeals often may include cognitive and behavioral responses. You may experience spontaneous intrusive thoughts, have visual images of the traumatic event flashing in your mind, and hear hurtful or painful messages repeatedly conveyed to you in the past. A loss of memory or sense of disorientation, confusion, or ability to focus on daily tasks is also a universal reaction. You may experience changes in your mood or behavior such as avoiding places or activities, or even people reminding you of the traumatic event. Social and family events may no longer bring pleasure and joy; hence you may feel a strong need to isolate and withdraw to avoid overwhelming emotions. To cope with aftermaths of tormenting and overwhelming events, humans possess an innate and natural response to protect self from harm. You too have developed many coping strategies to avoid overwhelming emotions - to ''shield yourself '' from dangerous situations. As some of these may be causing further struggles, know that there are people who can help you to stand face to face with the effects of trauma and keep yourself safe.


Ways to Cope with Emotional Trauma during Holidays

Support System
Having a support system in place before holidays is a vital step in helping you to deal with strong emotions. You cannot control your past trauma; however, you can take control by planning to have someone to talk to while visiting your family or friends or while you spend the holiday alone. First, acknowledge that reaching for help is not an act of weakness, it is a strength. Then assemble a list of people in your life that you can rely on in the moment of need. They may be your close friends who listen to you or a family member who understands and validate your mental and personal well-being. Plan to connect with them before and after holiday gathering, even for 5 to 10 minutes on the phone or in person. If you have a therapist try to book a pre and post-holiday appointment to discuss coping strategies. 


You have a choice
Remember that you have a right to decide not to attend a holiday gathering without explaining yourself why. If you believe that you will feel unsafe, you can set boundaries for yourself. You have the right to say no, change your mind or make choices that are right for you. If you still live with toxic people, this presents different challenges as saying no can bring more harm to you. Take control of your choices, know that you can use your voice to say no, set boundaries and have it be respected. If things get out of hand call 911 - remember that keeping yourself safe is a priority. 


Unhealthy Ways of Coping

It is very common to develop various coping methods to numb your pain and emotions. They all can be extremely harmful to your psychological and physical well-being. Developing more healthy strategies can be profoundly empowering. Remember that alcohol is highly intoxicating and can cause traumatic material to be triggered, leaving you defenseless against it. So are drugs or marijuana as they depress your nervous system. Choose healthier options, for example, rest well, eat well, and stay hydrated, and don't forget to exercise to boost endorphins (happy hormones) in your brain. Simple walking and paying attention to your surroundings is an excellent method to take your mind away from the chaos in the present situation, and it is a unique strategy to bring back your emotional equilibrium. 


Grounding & Containing Yourself

If you find yourself feeling upset and unable to settle down your emotion, grounding and containment exercises are an excellent way to self-rescue from the situation. If you notice that you can't break your attention from intense arising traumatic thoughts, images, and feelings, try to connect with and focus on your surroundings (here and now) with the intention to use all your senses (sight, touch, smell, hearing, and taste) - making sure that your feet are fully touching the ground. Then in your mind name 5 objects that you can see in the room. Be sure these are real rather than imaginary objects. Next, in your mind identify 5 sounds you hear. Make sure that these are not conversations in the room, instead, try to focus on sounds such as a sound of tapping a pen, a car passing by, squeaking chair, or your own words, etc. Now identify 5 things you can sense of feels such as your breath moving in and out, the feelings of your legs/ hands/ bottom (if you're sitting), or the sensation of the warmth in the room. If you still feel overwhelmed start from the beginning with naming 4, 3, 2, 1 things using your senses. Practice this exercise anytime, even when you don't feel upset. This will help you to teach your nervous system to respond better in the moments of high distress.


Recognize Your Triggers
It is important to recognize what are your triggers. They can range from the anniversary of the event, a song, a person, a smell, or a word. It can be anything that can trigger sensations of the original trauma prompting your body and mind to relive it. When you experience a trigger, you will start feeling as if you are in danger – it is a natural response of your body and mind in the moment of threat. When you are not in real danger, know that your body and mind react this way as it remembers the ordeal. It is an automatic response to all those cues around you that your body is picking up through your all senses. However, if you are really in danger, then your natural reaction will be to get yourself out of the situation. Do that. Keep yourself safe. Call for help. If you are in a position that is not life-threatening but you still experience triggers as if you were reliving the traumatic event, then the best thing is to acknowledge that these are triggers and try to soothe yourself.


Be Kind to Yourself

Remember that holidays are stressful for everyone, even those who did not experience emotional trauma or who have fully recovered. Yes, It’s possible to heal from past hurts and injury with the right help. Yes, you are likely to feel angry with someone, have arguments, make mistakes, or have impatient days. If you stumble or even fall apart, its ok. Recovery is difficult but not impossible. If you are having feelings that seem too overwhelming to cope with, reach out for help to others, call 911 or go to the closest ER – take control of your reactions to triggers and keep yourself safe, because you are worth it. Remember that life is a process and emotions are changeable and that every year is different. If something goes wrong, be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that in the present moment it is you who needs comfort the most. Be sensitive and gentle to yourself. Breath. Take control. Make choices and boundaries. If you are a survivor of any traumatic ordeal and you feel that you can't move past your invisible wounds, reach out for help to a professional specializing in trauma recovery. 


Have a peaceful and safe holiday!


Read More