A Simple Reflection Tool To Help You "Spring" Into Action

Spring has arrived.  The time of year when the simple sight of daffodils gives us hope!  

We are reminded: If those delicate flowers can come to life after a bitterly cold winter, we too can bloom.  

This Spring feels a little different . . .maybe the end of three years of Winter?  

There are a lot of ways to describe the last 3 years. I still reference things that happened “just the other day” only to be reminded the event occurred in 2019 or early 2020.  Many of us felt the blur of the pandemic; life went on, but the edges weren’t clear.  Our children, our pets, our parents, WE got older–but time also stood still–milestones muted, growth stunted, and goals abandoned. 

But Spring has arrived and it is time for change. 

Those blurred edges have given way to a deep desire to mark progress.  Many people are searching for ways to see, or measure, progress within themselves.    

Change happens, but only when we decide to act.   

If you are feeling the blurred edges of life and want some clarity for change, try this simple exercise to Spring into action: “Stop. Start. Continue.”  

One year from today – what does your ideal life look like? 

To begin, you will need three blank sheets of paper. 

1)  Label one “STOP” the second “START” and the third “CONTINUE”. 

2)  Leave your phone and find a space with no distractions. Sit quietly.  Be prepared to be honest, open and real with yourself.  

ASK: What do you want in your life that you do not have now?  What is your ideal self and situation? 

Some of us may have trouble envisioning that life.  If so, look around you – who do you admire?  Is there a friend or colleague or instagram person you find yourself admiring or – envying?   Own those feelings.  Envy isn’t necessarily a bad emotion–use it as a tool.  Think of it as inspiration.  What about their life do you want for yours? 

REFLECT: On the STOP paper, write down all of the things you need to stop doing in order to have the life you envision.  Consider: Are there people you should not spend time with anymore?  What about destructive/unproductive activities?  Consumption of . . .? Habits? Be honest with yourself.  

EXPLORE:  On the START paper, write down actions you must take to be the person you envision in a year.  Don’t be overwhelmed, these are starting points. Consider actions which align with the person you imagine, not who you are today.  

CELEBRATE: On the CONTINUE paper, write down your actions and habits which make you feel proud and bring you joy.  What is working?  Be sure to record what you are already doing well! 

REVIEW:  STOP. START. CONTINUE. 

Before you is an outline for change. 

I did not invent this exercise.  But I love the simplicity and effectiveness.

I understand some of it looks difficult, and you may not “feel like doing it.” It is difficult to start.  Stop listening to your feelings and act. Feelings don’t last. Actions do. Act on your desire for change.  

Today, the edges are blurred, but actions solidify desires.  If you keep waiting until you “feel like it” – you will never bloom into the person you imagine.  

Welcome to Spring.  The season for change.  

Building and Repairing Trust in a Parent-Child Relationship

Recently, in the heart of a heated conversation, my child admitted to me: “I don’t trust you.”   

Ouch.  

But also “WHAT? HOW? WHY NOT?!”  After all, not only did I give them life, but I do everything in my power to make their life possible, the kid doesn’t even know half the stuff I do for them.  

The lack of trust, not only made me mad, but more importantly hurt my feelings.

The hurt often muffles other feelings, so I needed to put it aside if I was going to understand what my child was really trying to tell me.  I NEED my kid to trust me,  I worry who they will go to with all the voices in their life.  TRUST.

One evening, after my child had a fit of anger, the stomping, the slamming of doors and the yelling, all of which I reacted to, we were finally talking calmly under the cover of darkness right before they fell asleep:  “Mom, when you got mad at me tonight, that is why I don’t trust you. I don’t know how you are going to react to me when I am upset.”

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what this means.  I did not see my reaction to their fit of rage as “getting mad”, but I did react. It is my own feelings in which I am reacting, and my child cannot predict how I will feel and therefore, cannot trust.  

I am starting to do a better job with just being in the moment, being in the pain of the moment with my child.  What they are feeling – I have no idea.  Much like when we are feeling, we often cannot explain what it is or why we feel it.  As grown-ups, most of us have learned to outwardly control our rages, but we often feel them inside.   

Our children need anchors – by reacting – I move the anchor.  If I can stay steady in the storm of their feelings, if they can know, and predict, my steady reaction, the anchor does its job, and we can be caught in any passing storm–but remain safe.   

When I am steady, they can be whomever they need to be at that moment.  When they can safely be themselves, they learn to steady their own boat. 

How can you be an anchor?  

1. Just listen, do not react, beyond a head nod for affirmation.  No matter how wild the storm, know it is going to pass.  

2. Let time work its magic.  Time heals and distracts.  Leave space for your child to process on their own.  They will talk to you when ready.

3. Trust–you may not ever know specifically what caused the storm, but know the storm was real for your child.  

Speaking With Your Child About Their Pronouns - A Therapist's Perspective

“Being transgender [or non-binary] is not just a medical transition; it’s discovering who you are, living your life authentically, loving yourself, and spreading that love towards other people and accepting one another no matter the difference.” — Jazz Jennings

It wasn’t too long ago when my child said to me, “Mom, did you know that some parents do not accept their pronouns?” 

Yes. Yes, I did know some people’s parents did not accept their pronouns.

But I have a hard time explaining why.  

That doesn’t mean my child’s pronouns have been easy for me to understand, or get right.  In some spaces, I still refer to my child as “she” – because it is easier.  Easier for whom?  A question for a different day.  

First, I can only try to address why some parents do not accept their child’s pronouns.  There is an easy explanation – it isn’t grammatically correct.  Then the reasoning gets more complicated: “It defies science.” “There is no such thing.” “It’s just a phase.” “We were made boys or girls.” “Society will make your life harder.” “What else will “they/them” lead to?” The list of excuses is endless.    

Before I was a therapist, I was an English teacher for over two decades. My own child was more nervous of my English background when they told me: “Mom, I think you are going to be upset with me . . . my pronouns are not grammatically correct.” 

I am proud of both of the above anecdotes, each suggesting a broader world in which I allowed my child to exist–at least for a bit – it never occurred to them that I would not accept their place on the gender spectrum and for a while, they believed the whole world was open.  

And yet even with that ease for my child, they suffer.  Trans kids suffer over a body that defies their vision of themselves, they suffer over gender roles at school, on teams, a constant barrage of asking: which bathroom should they go to? What clothes can they wear? They do not fit typical expectations, they suffer the language telling them they are something to make laws against. They suffer in ways we simply cannot even envision, because we are not non-binary, we are not queer, we are not capable of knowing or understanding their experience.   

They suffer.  

The statistics for queer children who preform self harm and contemplate suicide are three times the rates of typical kids.  Three times.  And yet we know the one factor which allows for queer kids to bring those numbers to the same rate as typical kids is familial acceptance.  

Maybe we aren’t meant to understand. I know we aren’t meant to judge.  

Mom and dad, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, all caregivers, I know you love your queer children. Protect them.  Accept them.  Love them. 

New Year, New Regrets? How Examining Regret Can Propel You Forward

As we settle into 2023, for some of us it is time to wonder:  Will we or won’t we follow through on our resolutions? Or are we already regretting the goals we made for ourselves?   

Before we review new resolutions,  I want to suggest a moment to look back.  Instead of looking up the mountain for all you want to accomplish or change in the new year, take a minute to look down your mountain and acknowledge how far you have come in the last year.  

Write down some of your accomplishments from last year.  No paper?  Say them out loud.  

I encourage you to call someone and tell them what you are proud of – better yet – start the  conversation–ask the person on the other end of the call to “look down their mountain”.  Have them tell you something they are proud of from the past year. 

It isn’t bragging, it is empowering.  

Along with accomplishments, I confess, I have a lot of regrets from the past year.  I have been taught my entire life from bad bumper stickers “NO REGRETS!” to religious acts (Confession?!) that regrets are something to avoid.  And although we are bound to make some mistakes, the act of embracing regret certainly has been frowned upon.  

Instead of avoiding these mistakes or missed opportunities, what about examining our regrets?  Daniel Pink, in his nonfiction book: The Power or Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, compiles quantitative data to support the importance of reflecting on those things we regret the most.  Pink not only uses science to support his claim, but he gives us permission to embrace our regrets!  

Pink breaks regret into four types:

1. Foundation Regrets

2. Moral Regrets

3. Connection Regrets

4. Boldness Regrets 

Pink explains each type has something to teach humans about what they value: “foundation regrets” reveal a need for stability, “connection regrets”, the need for love, “moral regret”, the need for goodness and “boldness regrets” suggest a need for growth.   If so many of us are living with regret, how do we maximize our regrets to live a more fulfilling life?   Pink goes on to describe a three step strategy: inward, outward, forward.  He also suggests a number of exercises to support these ideas.  

A month into the new year and already I have a few regrets. Instead of punishing myself, I am going to review Pink’s exercises and remember that looking backward can move me forward.  

Read or listen more about Pink’s theory on regret:  How examining our regrets can make for a more meaningful life

Coping With Being Single on Valentine's Day

As a wave of red and pink floods our storefronts, and Valentine's Day posts from your peers begin to take over your social media feed, these can be painful reminders of what we perceive as personal deficits in our lives.

Even for those in relationships, Valentine’s Day can be a breeding ground for expectations, resentment, pressure, anger, and hurt.

Here are some reminders as potentially complicated feelings come up around February 14th.

First, there is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship. A person who is happy being single is not better or stronger than someone who wants to be in a romantic partnership (or vice versa!).

In America’s individualistic culture, there is extensive pressure to be selfish with your energy, to be happy alone, and to not need anyone to feel fulfilled. This is unrealistic! We are relational creatures who inherently long to be loved, touched, and cared for. When we deny ourselves intimacy, we starve ourselves from the potential to connect, and ultimately the love we all need to thrive. 

Second, You are your own judge, jury, and prosecutor when it comes to your romantic status.

No one in your social circle thinks about your singlehood as much as you do. The reality is, people are much too caught up in their own insecurities to think about yours. 

That being said, judgment and pressure from others affect us. Parents, siblings, and unassuming fellow party guests can be the biggest triggers to negative feelings. 

“How are you?” seems to always be followed with “Are you seeing anyone?”. People often make YOUR romantic life about themselves, saying things like “Oh, what happened to what's-their-name? I liked them.”  

You are always allowed to set a boundary when it comes to talking about your romantic life. A simple response with “I'm not interested in talking about my dating life right now.” should be the end of the discussion.

Third, Don’t underestimate the importance of platonic and familial love.

Our sex life is a fraction of who we are and what we need to feel good about ourselves. Friends and family can fulfill many, if not most, of the needs that a romantic partner can fill.

Unfortunately, in modern society, there are extensive messages received that our partner should be our best friend, lover, family member, emotional confidant, provider of encouragement and affirmation, and much more. This sustained pressure on our romantic relationships often leaves us feeling like our needs aren’t being met.

Call your friends beautiful, send them flowers, ask for a hug, words of encouragement and comfort. Go on an ice cream date, plan a trip together. Feeling connected and cared for in the ways that are accessible allow us to access more gratitude in times where all we see is what is lacking.

Take care of yourself mentally, spiritually, and emotionally during this time. You deserve to feel loved, whole, and wanted - and take it from a couples therapist… Having a partner does not always make these feelings a guarantee.