Understanding Domestic Violence

Please note, this post includes descriptions of domestic violence

which may be emotionally challenging.

Seeking out individual therapy is not only healing, but also informative. As a client, I was describing what was going on in my personal relationship with my partner as we were cohabiting. I continuously felt like I was walking on eggshells and communication with friends and family became limited. As I was describing my day to day living, my therapist stopped me and said, “do you understand you are in a domestic violence situation?” I was confused, I made sure she understood I wasn’t being physically hurt. The statistics are astonishing, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men face severe domestic violence from an intimate partner.

Growing up with bickering parents and occasional visits from the police department, I thought my situation was normal. I was stunned as my therapist described the signs of domestic violence and that the behavior I was experiencing was not normal.

Signs of DV Behavior:

• Hurtful words and threats

• Monitoring cell phones, email, etc.

• Physical aggression

• Destroying or throwing property

• Excessive jealousy

• An eagerness to move the relationship forward quickly

• Constant flattery early on

• Attempts to control your choices, relationships, and even finances

This treatment ate at me. I couldn’t sleep through the night as I never knew what I would wake up to. Not only did this affect my mental health, but my physical health also started to diminish. If I hadn’t decided to seek therapy, I would have most likely stayed where I was. Once I understood what was happening, I was able to gather the strength to take the necessary steps to remove myself from my situation. 

My therapist listened to me and did not judge me. She showed me how to look for the red flags of a potential bad relationship. I learned how to cope with the trauma. It takes time to heal from a domestic violence situation, but if you have the knowledge and tools you need to recover. You can move forward and begin to heal. There is hope. Seeking counseling with the right therapist empowers you to change your life, understand your feelings, and can build back your sense of self-worth.

RESOURCES:

• For support contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Advocates are available who can provide domestic abuse help and assist with crisis intervention, safety planning and can provide you with a local domestic abuse hotline number.

• NNEDV’s WomensLaw email hotline, https://strongheartshelpline.org  can also be utilized to obtain basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support.

•  Red Flags of Abuse - NNEDV to understand the “red flags” of abuse and to also obtain additional links for help with domestic violence.

If you are seeking a therapist, reach out to our team at info@empoweredconnectionscounseling.com or fill out our intake request form.

*The author of this blog post has been kept anonymous*

Meta-Emotions: Having Feelings about your Feelings

Picture This

Two friends Paul and Marty are out for a coffee catching up about life and work. At some point near the end of their catch up, Marty mentions a recent promotion - a promotion Paul himself had been vying for as well (unbeknownst to Marty). This sparked immediate jealousy in Paul. Slowly after his initial glimmer of envy, Paul quickly began to become angry toward himself for feeling jealous, which spirals him into self-shame and deeper despair. He thinks to himself, ”how can I be feeling this way? I am such a “bad friend”.”

Do you envision this moment and think to yourself, “wow I can relate”? Yep, us too! We refer to this scenario as an example of meta-emotions or having emotions about our emotions.

Let’s Break this Down

Paul’s initial emotion of jealousy -> led him to react to that emotion with another emotion -> leaving Paul angry at himself for feeling jealous.

Another common example is panic, which is often the outcome of anxiety, about anxiety. Associated symptoms of panic ensues -> you begin to notice your symptoms setting in -> therefore causing more anxiety over your panic. 

Meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to - making matters worse. We know, it can feel like a vicious cycle.

So What Do You do?

First identify what is happening. Simply pausing to name the experience creates awareness and opportunity to intervene. Insight is power. Meta-emotions can be tricky and deceptive - name it. 

Second, find acceptance and compassion towards the initial feeling. While you may not always agree with your emotional experience, it is here with you no matter how hard you try to change it. This practice allows that first emotion to flow through more quickly. Emotional acceptance meditation expert Tara Brach offers this statement, “I consent to this feeling being here with me”.

I imagine Paul would be able to more effectively move through his jealousy with less shame and turmoil through a compassionate journey of acceptance toward his jealousy. We believe you can too. A final suggestion, take the time to explore any meta experiences to gain awareness and prepare for the next time they come back around. Check out these reflective questions to help guide you!

Reflective questions:

What meta-emotional cycles do you find in your life?

How do you know you are experiencing a meta-emotional cycle? What does that look like?What feels hard about that emotion? Is there an origin story there?

What has helped you to manage this experience?

Mapping out Therapy - An Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

Have questions about what to expect when coming to therapy? What types of therapy are there? How to know if a therapist is a good fit? Empowered Connections Counseling Founder, Danielle Zawadzki, LMFT sat down with Palos Heights’ (PHTV4) Living Well program to discuss the ins and outs of therapy. Below is a brief summary of her interview, and be sure to check out the full length interview with more in depth insights at the link below. 

Q: What are the different types of therapy out there? 

A: If you were to see a therapist once a week that would be considered outpatient, and this can be in the context of individual therapy, relational therapy, family therapy, or group therapy. Individual therapy is for people of all ages, couple or relationship therapy would typically be with you and your partner(s), family therapy is with all members of a family or certain members of the family, and group therapy is usually a person joining a group of people who are working on a similar topic or goal. 

Q: What types of presenting issues bring people into therapy, whether individual, relationship, or family? 

A: On the individual level there are a wide range of topics including anxiety, depression, eating issues, substance use, life transitions, interpersonal support, etc. For relationships you might find people coming in for conflict involving destructive arguments, infidelity, divorce or separation, and even premarital counseling. For family therapy presenting topics might include conflict, life transition like an adult child returning home, or even a young child struggling with behavioral issues. 

Q: How do you find a therapist and how do you know if they are a good fit? A: You can start by searching for a therapist in a few ways. One way is by asking close friends or family for a word of mouth referral, doing a google search in your area by inserting your zip code, or using Psychology Today. 

As far as whether or not they are a good fit, it is best to consider a few things first. Do you have a preference of the therapist’s gender? What level of experience or specialties are you looking for? After you identify those things, what is most important is the feeling you get when you are in the room with them. Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you can trust them? 

Q: What can people expect in their first session? 

A: Every therapist has a different structure, but generally you can expect to first review any paperwork with your therapist. Then, you might walk through the structure of therapy, what to expect, how long sessions will be. Next, you might start to get into your history, background information, and relevant information relating to your presenting issues. Last, you

will have an opportunity to ask any questions. Examples of important questions to ask might be, what approach do you take? What does that look like? What does that mean? What will we be doing? 

Final Thoughts: 

Therapy is an active process, on the part of the therapist and the client. It involves an active role. We are not “doing” something to you. Together you are on the journey actively walking the path together. It is never too late to get therapy! It can be beneficial to get it sooner rather than later, but there is always help available. 

Living Well - PHTV4 Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

What is Self-Care?

Self-care has become a buzzword on the internet and across social media platforms. Google’s formal definition states, “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” Self-care is vital during moments of stress. However, creating purposeful rituals is most helpful when they are established before those periods of stress. Have you ever heard the phrase, you can’t pour from an empty cup? Well, someone once told me, the truth is hidden behind the word cliché.

You might envision self-care to be a day at the nail salon with a mimosa in hand, a pizza night streaming your favorite show, or taking a lavish beach vacation. Can those things be considered enjoyable and a way to decompress? Absolutely. Self-care is so much more than that though. It is meant to be intentional, and supports your overall well-being in a variety of ways. I often discuss it with clients as multiple buckets that you continuously pour into. Read on for the five buckets of self-care that I have categorized.

Physical: Fuel the endorphins with a HIIT workout, yoga, or walks around the park. Then drop that into your physical self-care bucket! It is not just about routine exercise though. Physical self-care can include your annual doctor visits, the nutrition you feed your body, and a good night's rest.

Mental: Take a break from the day-to-day by gently exercising your mind. Schedule just 5 minutes of book time before bed. Pull out a 1,000 piece puzzle, or challenge yourself with a daily Wordle puzzle.

Emotional: Connecting with your emotional world is vital. Consider a check-in with reflective journaling. There are great journal prompts online to support this. Write a few on a sticky note, place them into a jar, and pull one out a few times a week. Now this might be a given, but therapy! Are you anxious about a presentation? Talk to your therapist, and build out a cope-ahead strategy. Therapy is an hour a week dedicated just for you.

Relational: Find ways to connect regularly with the ones you feel supported by. Set a reminder on your phone to call one person every Friday afternoon. Attend a community event like a block party with your partner. Pick out an organization or social cause, and find ways to support it. Find a conversation starter card deck, and pull them out during a family dinner. These are just a few ways you can deepen and expand your relationships.

Spiritual: For some it can be a religious practice like prayer, or readings. However, spirituality can also be defined by activities that help nurture your spirit. Things that help you connect to your physical self. A mindful walk around the park engaging your senses, or a meditative yoga flow. A visit to a forest preserve with no technology. Identify what will help you step away from that monkey mind, and connect within.

Additional Resources: A highly recommended TedTalk by Portia Jackson-Preston.

Portia Jackson-Preston Discusses the Missing Ingredient in Self-Care

Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy as part of Holistic Wellness

Owner Danielle Zawadzki, LMFT talks about using DBT in therapy and its role in holistic wellness with Dr. Serena Wadhwa. Episode recorded on July 23, 2017.