Beyond Sadness: Understanding Grief

Grief is a natural response to loss. In theory, we all understand that grief is part of the human experience, but when loss actually happens in our lives, the intensity and unique shape of our grief can still catch us off guard. Yet just because grief is part of the human experience, doesn’t mean we have to cope with it alone, or reign in how we express it. In this post, we’ll explore different kinds of loss and grief, and how to know when it’s time to seek therapy for grief.

How Grief Manifests In Different Ways (Beyond Sadness)  

To understand nuances in the way we feel grief, it’s important to remind ourselves of the importance of close relationships. Close relationships are part of our biology; we seek out close relationships for many reasons such as safety, survival, and emotional regulation. It’s important to feel cared for and it's important for us to care for others. Close relationships also influence our motivations in life, and our interests. They are an integral part of being human. So when someone close to us dies, so much for us changes without them. 

“Grief is the form love takes when someone we care about dies. Our experience of grief is our reaction to all the changes we experience during bereavement.” —The Center for Complicated Grief  

In the beginning of bereavement, it's like the world has turned upside down without this person. Losing someone close to us can lead to many changes in our lives: who we spend time with, who handles certain household tasks, who we talk to about certain things, how we envision the future.

With all of these changes in the wake of someone’s death, acute grief can look and feel like other emotions such as (but not limited to): 

• Anger

• Hurt

• Anxiety/fear

• Guilt

• Numbness 

• Hopelessness

As time goes on we start to cope, process, accept these experiences and adapt to life without this person. We don’t feel these feelings as intensely on a day-to-day basis, although the intensity may return when important grief milestones come up, like the anniversary of their death, or a big life event such as a graduation or wedding. We also might start to feel other parts of grief, such as love, gratitude, inspiration, or determination to honor their memory. 

It’s important to remember that grief is not a linear process. You can have good moments and painful moments all in the same day. You can experience this variety of grief a month after loss, a year after loss, even 10 years after the loss. There is no time limit. We typically never “get over” our loss but learn to adapt to life without them and live meaningfully. 

What is Ambiguous Loss & Grief? 

While death is the scenario most often associated with grief, there are many other kinds of loss that can lead someone to grieve. According to the Mayo Clinic, ambiguous loss or ambiguous grief is a term for the experience of profound loss and sadness when a person hasn’t experienced the death of a loved one.

Ambiguous loss can include: 

• Relationship breakups (this includes romantic partnerships but can also include friendships) 

• Infidelity

• Job layoffs or career transitions

• Miscarriages and infertility struggles

• Family estrangement

• Financial problems

• Moving to a new place

• Natural disaster

• Political unrest

• Changing belief systems

Types of ambiguous loss: 

• Leaving without a goodbye: This type of loss happens when you lose physical connection with someone but you’re not sure if they’re dead or alive, such as addiction, abandonment, or they’ve gone missing. The uncertainty, lack of closure, and inability to mourn as a family or community with a ritual such as a funeral can compound feelings of grief. 

• Goodbye without leaving: This type of loss occurs when you’re grieving a person who is physically alive but not engaged in your life as they once were due to a chronic illness like dementia or another medical issue, estrangement, incarceration, or addiction. The change in the relationship, even if the choice was yours, can be very painful. 

• Situational goodbye: Grief isn’t always the result of death or even a change in a relationship. Witnessing loss in other places, such as war, natural disaster, a shooting or violent crime in your community, or political unrest, can stir feelings of grief. Other, less life-threatening experiences are also valid reasons for feeling grief, such as job loss or financial struggles. 

Practical Strategies for Coping with Grief

Whatever kind of loss you’ve experienced, remember: there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Focus on being present with what you need. When experiencing acute grief, try to pay extra attention to the ways you are caring for your basic needs— 

• Am I getting enough sleep? 

• Am I eating enough?

• Am I moving enough? 

Time alone can be helpful. Sometimes in our grief we want privacy. Sometimes time with others can be helpful; we need support and company in our experience. Be present with which one you may need. 

These strategies can also help you process your grief: 

• Journaling through the experience 

• Talking with others about your loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one or a more ambiguous loss. Let others in on how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. 

• Grief counseling/therapy. Individual therapy for grief is helpful, but so is group therapy where you can connect with others who have experienced loss. 

• Find ways to continue to connect and maintain your bond to your loved one. Rituals, memorializing them, looking at pictures, talking or writing to them, creating something with them in mind—these acts are healthy ways to express and release emotions so that they’re not bottled up inside.

• Let others help you and tell them what you need. Humans do not typically grieve well alone.

When to Seek Mental Health Therapy for Grief 

Therapy can be very beneficial at any time after a loss, but you might consider starting therapy if you are experiencing persistent and intense experiences of grief for an extended period of time that significantly impacts your daily functioning. According to the American Psychiatric Association, it might be time to seek grief therapy if you’re experiencing any of the following:

• Intense longing for the deceased

• Preoccupation with thoughts or memories of the deceased

• Identity disruption, feeling as though part of oneself has died

• Disbelief about the death

• Avoidance of reminders of the deceased

• Intense emotional pain, such as anger or sorrow

• Difficulty reintegrating into daily life

• Emotional numbness

• Feeling that life is meaningless

• Intense loneliness

If you are experiencing these symptoms beyond the acute phase of grief, you may be experiencing Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). A therapist trained in grief counseling can help you develop tools and insight to move towards living life in a meaningful way after the loss of your loved one. 

Grief Counseling Near You

Just as grief is essential to the human experience, so is asking for help when we can’t cope alone. No matter what type of loss you’ve experienced, no matter how you feel about it, from intense to numb or ambivalent, ECC therapists are here to help you emotionally process your experience and navigate your new normal. If you need support with grieving, moving on from death, divorce, estrangement, or another type of loss, we're here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Coming Out to as Queer to Your Straight Partner

While many LGBTQIA+ Americans living today realized their orientation and came out of the closet when they were teenagers, there are many adults who experience this at an older age and have the challenge of coming out to a romantic partner. It can be emotionally fraught to not only face the reality that your orientation is different than you originally believed, but to admit this to your partner. There is so much to consider – will they be supportive? Will this fundamentally change the nature of your relationship? If you’re anxious or unsure about how to come out as queer to your straight partner, we offer some guidance in this post to help you prepare for the conversation. 

Start with Self-Reflection 

Before you ever come out to anyone else, it’s helpful to take time to be curious about yourself and your own exploration. You definitely don’t need to have all of the answers, but having a sense of how you identify, your emotions surrounding the exploration of this part of yourself, or even your own questions that may still be unanswered, can help you feel capable of talking it through with your partner. 

Borrow From a Few Therapy Methods

There are a few therapy methods that can help you self-reflect and emotionally prepare to come out to your partner, as well as other people you trust.

• Narrative Exploration: Think about the narratives that have impacted your relationship to self, gender identity, and sexual orientation. What narratives have made it difficult to know or acknowledge this part of yourself? What narratives are you holding onto about queerness that don’t fit with your values, and how do you want to reauthor these narratives? While this is a story that may still be unfolding, this kind of curious exploration can allow you to better understand and better communicate to your partner some of the complexities that go hand-in-hand with coming out as an adult or as someone in a straight- or cisgender-presenting relationship.

• Write It Out: Feeling overwhelmed and afraid you won’t touch on important parts of your narrative? There is nothing wrong with having a list of things you want to address when coming out to your partner. Being able to refer to a written list of thoughts can help you stay calm and confident if you start to feel overwhelmed.

• Grounding: It’s normal to be nervous and maybe even afraid, but coming out to your partner is an important conversation to be present in. Think about what you can do to ground yourself and stay in the moment. Hold a warm cup of tea or a cold glass of water; light a candle with a soothing fragrance; have your favorite Squishmallow at the ready.

• Take Space: Even if the conversation is going well, coming out can be very emotionally overwhelming for a lot of reasons. Pay attention to what your body is telling you and allow you and your partner to take a break and come back if you need it. 

Prepare for the Conversation

Despite how long or how well you know each other, it’s hard to know how your partner might react when you come out to them, so plan to have the conversation in a private, comfortable space. 

Prioritize your safety – emotional, psychological, and physical. It’s okay to take space or disengage from the conversation if your partner isn’t responding supportively. 
Ask trusted friends or family to be on standby. Maybe you’re sure your partner will celebrate you, or the conversation will go better than you expected; maybe you’ll be surprised, or overwhelmed, or unsure of your partner’s reaction – either way, having a support system can be incredibly important and validating. 

Come into the conversation with honesty and intention: what do you want the relationship to look like after you’ve come out? Be clear about your feelings and thoughts.

Give It Time

Coming out can be emotional for a multitude of reasons. While a partner’s response of anger, frustration, shock, confusion, or grief may feel hurtful to you or not be the response you were hoping for, hold space for their feelings. Coming out can be a big shift, and just like you likely needed time to process what this means for you, your partner likely needs space to do the same. That being said, if you begin to feel unsafe or at risk, end the conversation and prioritize your safety. 

Find a Queer-Friendly Therapist Near You

Wherever you’re at on your journey of coming out and accepting your queerness, you deserve support. Our sexual and gender identities can have a unique impact on our mental health – from how safe we feel to express our full selves, to facing discrimination, to coming out to loved ones and peers. ECC therapists are here to help you navigate the challenges and the joy, and find the path to being your authentic self. Our diverse, multidisciplinary team supports individuals, relationships, and families of all backgrounds and identities. We’ll help you find the therapist and therapy methods to help you thrive. Reach out today to book a session. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Collaboration, Connection, and Community: Q&A with ECC Therapist Peter Beer

Not all therapists start out knowing they want to be therapists. Some, like ECC Affiliate Therapist Peter Beer, start out in an entirely different field and realize that human relationships are what they want to dedicate their careers to. In his Q&A for our blog today, Peter shares about what led him to therapy and the approaches he finds beneficial in working with clients. And with June being Men’s Mental Health Month, he shares about the most common issue he sees among young men seeking therapy for the first time—loneliness—and how he coaches them through it.

Peter Beer, MA, AMFT

Affiliate Therapist

What inspired you to become a therapist? 

So many reasons! I actually took a roundabout way to this field—my undergrad was in Industrial Engineering. Although I enjoyed a lot about being in STEM, I found myself wanting more relational pieces to my daily work. I also wanted to feel more directly involved in helping others, particularly in my local communities, and have a career that allowed me to incorporate social justice into my work. Finally, I knew from personal experience how powerfully healing therapy could be, and I wanted to try and impart that to others!

If there’s one thing you could say to a person thinking about starting therapy for the first time, what would it be?

It can be daunting to jump into therapy for the first time—and even more daunting to choose a first therapist! But the biggest thing to remember is that you, as a client, have agency in deciding what that therapy experience should look like and feel like. Have a conversation with your therapist about what you’re looking for so that you can get a feel for how you want sessions to go (and if that’s difficult to articulate for now, no worries, that’s what the therapist is there to help put specifics to!)

In your bio, you say that you draw from a few different therapy approaches: Solution-Focused therapy, Collaborative Language Systems, and Symbolic-Experiential therapy. Can you talk more about what those are and why you find them helpful as a therapist? What kind of benefits do you see for your clients (or hope to see for your clients) through them? 

I see solution-focused and collaborative approaches in similar ways, because they both highlight the client’s own strengths and abilities to facilitate change. I believe everyone has the capacity to heal, and my job is simply to help them unlock that capacity. To me, Solution-Focused Therapy is all about helping clients find the language to describe where they want to “go.” Collaborative Language Systems is about empowering a client to take the lead on directing a session. Both approaches center around the concept that nobody knows better than yourself what feels helpful. I also believe both approaches are inherently trauma-informed as they allow clients to set their own pace in sessions.

Symbolic-Experiential Therapy, to me, is more about how I believe change occurs. In this approach, therapy invites emotional experience into the room so that clients can feel something different during the session. I believe that in order to be different, oftentimes we have to feel different first! That’s what I aim to do in a safe and secure way.

June is Men’s Mental Health Month. Stats show that 16% of American men are in mental health therapy, vs 25% of women. When you talk to men and boys who are seeking therapy for the first time, what comes up? What kinds of experiences make them decide to choose therapy? How do you coach them through overcoming the stigma around seeking help? 

Most of my experience currently is with teens and families, so I might be able to speak to this from an adolescent perspective best. I see a lot of boys—especially in high school—struggling to find community. Many boys aren’t encouraged or taught how to form close, supportive emotional connections with friends. And so attempts to find a sense of belonging can end up being unsuccessful or even damaging to themselves and/or others. Sometimes those attempts to find belonging don’t occur at all. I’ve gotten many teenage referrals who are simply needing generative human connection. For these clients, I aim to meet them where they’re at, and I use my own therapeutic relationship with them as a way to explore what safe, validating interactions can look like.

What are you reading / watching / listening to right now?

I’m currently on a Brandon Sanderson kick! So I just finished Elantris, and I’m on the second Mistborn book. I’ve really liked fantasy recently as a way to access some playful imagination. The other book I’m in the middle of is Warrior Girl Unearthed—young adult books can just be so sweet and enchanting, so I’m hoping this one pans out that way! I’m also an avid bridge player, so my current e-content is full of bridge educational videos and series (Peter Hollands and Gavin Wolpert are my favorites!)

What is Emotional Over- and Under-Functioning?

Does the dynamic between you and your partner feel imbalanced sometimes? Like you’re the person in the relationship who works hard to express your emotions, while your partner shuts down at the first sign of conflict? Or maybe the opposite is true: you’re the partner who has a hard time expressing yourself, because when you’re in conflict with your partner, their emotions can feel overwhelming. Maybe one of you does more of the labor in your relationship—managing finances, scheduling appointments, making plans for holidays and gatherings—while the other seems to do the bare minimum? One way to understand this dynamic is through the framework of emotional over-functioning and under-functioning. In this post, we’ll walk you through this framework and how it can be useful in a therapy setting to repair dysfunction and find healthier ways to communicate.

What is Emotional Over- and Under-Functioning?

Emotional over-functioning is when a person takes on the emotions, well-being, and responsibilities of those around them and tries to manage those things as a way of managing their own anxiety or insecurity. Emotional over-functioners are typically very responsible and reliable for those around them, but often at their own expense.

Emotional under-functioning is when a person struggles to gain awareness of or articulate their emotions. They might struggle to regulate themselves in conflict and lash out, or they might shut down and have a hard time engaging with another person to resolve the conflict.

These concepts draw from the Bowen Family Systems Theory, developed by psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen, which offers valuable insights into family dynamics and how they shape our behavior and interactions with others. It also draws from Attachment Theory, which theorizes that our earliest bonds with our primary caregivers shape the way we relate to others for the rest of our lives, dictating our “attachment styles” and how we respond in conflict.

When emotional over-functioners and under-functioners match and become partners, it can initiate what is known in Attachment Theory as an avoidant anxious cycle that is very frustrating for both partners. The anxious partner may feel constantly on-edge and insecure about the relationship because of the avoidant partner’s emotional distance. By contrast, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by the anxious partner and pressured to engage, making it even harder for them to discern and articulate their own feelings and needs. The result is that in conflict, the partners feel misunderstood by each other, and like the conflicts are repetitive, with no clear resolution or change.

How Does Gender Socialization Play a Role in Over/Under-Functioning?

Who has the emotional access, language, and ability to express their feelings and in which contexts is inextricably linked to gender and the norms reflected in broader society. I often ask clients, “when was the last time you told someone that they hurt your feelings?” Men usually can’t recall, while women can usually recall something in recent memory.

Women are often taught to express their feelings by crying or talking them out with a confidant, while men are often socialized to suppress their feelings. Women are also often socialized to be caregivers, performing administrative tasks that make the lives of their loved ones easier from dishes and laundry, to scheduling appointments. In other words, the gendered expectations within families, schools, and religious institutions socialize women to be over-functioners who feel the burden to take on the responsibilities of everyone around them, while men are socialized to be under-functioners who have a harder time expressing their feelings and sharing the load of caretaking within their relationships.

Among high conflict couples, this might manifest as a female-identified partner who complains that their male-identified partner “seems robotic” or “doesn’t express emotions or talk about things with me,” while the male-identified partner might complain that “her emotions are so overwhelming and make me shut down.” Yet in my therapy work, I often see a paradox: women ask for emotional availability, but they don’t know how to see or acknowledge their male partner’s emotions and become reactive, angry, or turn away from him, thus perpetuating the cycle and further entrenching gendered dynamics. A lot of male-identified partners don’t believe that anyone wants to hear or see their emotions, and that comes from a valid place.

The work of healing the dynamic between over- and under-functioning partners can often involve deconstructing harmful gender stereotypes and expectations that have negatively impacted the individuals, and the relationship.

Taking Ownership of Your Relationship Dynamic

While these dynamics can be deeply frustrating, acknowledging it is a great starting point for taking ownership of it and working together toward change. In a therapy setting, a counselor or therapist can work with you and your partner to identify the different dynamics at play in your relationship, such as over-functioning/under-functioning, attachment styles, and more. Then, they’ll work with you to practice changing the dynamic, utilizing Emotionally Focused Therapy approaches, or other similar modalities. Here’s what that can look like:

Step 1: Name the dynamic. For this couple, when the male-identified partner tries to express himself when they are in disagreement about an issue, the female-identified partner becomes overwhelmed and doesn’t want to hear his perspective. He’s learned over time that if he talks about an issue, her emotional overreaction will be so overwhelming that he’s not going to come away from that conflict feeling understood. The therapist will work with the couple first on naming this dynamic and identifying the roles they play as the over- or under-functioners, and then practice new communication strategies to change the dynamic.

Step 2: Changing the dynamic. The goal is to help this couple find balance in their relationship, so that both partners feel heard and understood. The female-identified partner who often talks more in conflict with her partner is going to practice regulating herself in the therapy session, because over-functioning is a sign of dysregulation. She’s going to talk less so that the male-identified partner who has a hard time articulating himself (either by shutting down or lashing out), can talk more and feel more confident expressing his feelings.

Another example of practicing changing the dynamic is to walk through scenarios where the over-functioning partner usually exerts control. For example, if one partner typically schedules all the appointments, manages the majority of household tasks like dishes and laundry, and makes plans with their partner’s family and friends, a therapist will work with the couple on allowing the other partner to take ownership of these responsibilities—even if it means that they might fail. The goal is to allow the under-functioning partner to experience the natural consequences or disconnection of not having someone to do it all for them. This makes space for the under-functioning partner to fail or be imperfect, to create change and grow on their own. For the over-functioning partner, this also creates room for personal growth: when they’re not taking on the responsibilities of their partner in addition to their own, they’re not showing up in their relationships as stressed out or resentful. Together, the partners can rebuild trust and understanding.

Normalizing the Impacts of Change

As meaningful, tangible change begins to take place between the over- and under-functioning partners, there is often a new period of distress or blowback, even though the change is positive. For example, as the under-functioning partner takes on new responsibilities and learns to be more self-sufficient, the over-functioning partner might feel shocked or frustrated that their partner was, in fact, capable of things that they always allowed their partner to do for them. Or, they might feel a sense of sadness over not feeling needed in a way they’ve grown accustomed to. It’s important to normalize the impacts of change: your reaction is a natural part of the change process, and you can learn to manage your conflicting feelings. Therapists will work with couples to normalize the jumble of feelings and communicate to each other through the transition.

Relationship Therapy Near You

Managing conflict and making space for each other’s feelings is the hard work of being in a relationship. When we’re in disagreement with our partners, we’re often reflecting many systems and dysfunctions that were taught to us, from dynamics within our families of origin, to gender expectations, and more. Untangling these influences and recognizing how they impact us can help us take ownership of our experiences and struggles, and choose new ways of connecting and communicating with our loved ones.

At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our therapists support all types of romantic relationships—straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, divorced—as well as individuals who are single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, or recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal. Together, we can help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, meaningful connections in your life. Reach out today to book a session.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

What Is A Systems Therapist? Q&A with ECC Intern Therapist Riley Brennan

“I don’t believe in anything being a ‘personal problem,’” says Riley Brennan, our current graduate intern therapist who is completing her Master’s in Couple and Family Therapy at Adler University. In her Q&A on our blog today, Riley shares what it means to be a systems therapist: someone who works with clients to consider the system influences that impact their mental health, from family and friends, to workplace dynamics, religion, and politics. Keep reading to find out why she finds this framework helpful for connecting with clients.

Riley BRennan, MA, BA

Graduate Intern Therapist

What inspired you to become a therapist? 

My path to becoming a therapist was perhaps a bit untraditional. I have previously worked jobs in sexual violence prevention and response, sex education, and childcare. In their own way, each of these opportunities helped me consider ways to support people navigating the difficult situations and conversations of life, and they all led to being a couples and family therapist!

If there’s one thing you could say to a person thinking about starting therapy for the first time, what would it be? 

Welcome! You’re not too old or too young, too early or too late, too independent or too needy, too stubborn or too weak to be here; you’re right on time and exactly where you need to be. This is your journey, and you’ll get as much as you give.

You describe yourself as a systems therapist – can you talk more about what that means and why you find it helpful as a therapist? 

I don’t believe in anything being a “personal problem.” As a systemic-trained therapist, I look for the ways people have been influenced by and have influenced other aspects of their lives such as family, friends, coworkers, religions, politics, etc. We learn our behaviors and values from the things around us, so to truly understand a problem and work to change it, we have to be willing to look at the family/social/world systems we are part of. 

This approach is helpful because it can free you from the responsibility and shame of being or having a problem; it’s not all you! We can all take responsibility for problems and we can all work together to make them better. This provides opportunities for real, lasting change.

You mention in your bio that you’re especially interested in working with teens and parents of children, can you talk more about why? 

Teens are an overlooked population for therapy. Not enough therapists are willing to work with them, likely because they are developmentally not quite independent but still able to make choices for themselves that can have a major impact on the rest of their lives. Teens experience a lot of change, big emotions, and opportunities, and they deserve a judgment-free, supportive place to talk about their lives. As a former “troubled teen” myself, I don’t scare easily, and I know there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Parents are often unsupported in our society. People are still expected to have kids without necessarily knowing what parenting is like! Research and theories (and social media) on parenting practices have transformed popular opinion on the best ways to parent, making navigating challenging behaviors all the more confusing. Parents deserve informed resources to learn and explore what is best for their own families, and I am excited to be part of that support system.

What are the books or other resources that you recommend most to clients? 

Oh goodness. I read a lot, so I love to talk about books. I recommend Like a Mother by Angela Garbes and Expecting Better by Emily Osters for prospective or expecting parents. Equal Partners by Kate Mangino is excellent for unpacking the balance of labor in domestic relationships. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is life-changing for exploring relationship configurations and perspectives on love. Finally, The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld is wonderful for children (and adults) facing big emotions, and Bodies are Cool by Tyler Feder is beautiful for children (and adults) to learn about body diversity.

What are you reading / watching / listening to right now? 

I’ve been listening to the Off Menu podcast in which comedians talk about their dream meal. It’s funny and lighthearted, so it’s great for unwinding. I listen to Paris Paloma’s feminist indie music on repeat. I have been reading romance (mostly fantasy romance) like my life depends on it for the past year, and I am simply obsessed.