Is This Conflict with My Partner Healthy or Harmful? 5 Ways to Tell the Difference
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it isn’t always easy to know when conflict is simply part of navigating life together — or when it signals deeper issues that need attention. Understanding the difference can help you respond more intentionally and protect the health of your connection.
Understanding Conflict in Relationships
At its core, conflict happens when you and your partner see something important in different ways. This can feel unsettling, but it’s an inevitable part of being in a relationship with another person. You might disagree not only about the issue itself, but also about how much it matters and what it represents for your life together. When those meanings don’t line up, even small moments can carry big emotional weight.
Conflict may be par for the course in relationships, but what really matters is how you engage in it. The good news is that conflict styles can evolve; with awareness and practice, you can identify patterns that help you stay connected and those that create harm. From there, you can work on shifting your responses in ways that foster understanding, safety, and genuine repair.
Healthy vs Harmful Conflict
What healthy conflict looks like:
Often called constructive conflict, this involves respect for differing viewpoints, active listening, and focusing on the issue rather than personal attacks. When two partners engage in constructive conflict, each person works to stay emotionally regulated, keep communication open, and work toward a shared goal of resolution and growth.
To engage in constructive conflict with your partner:
Try using “I” statements versus “you” statements. This helps you share your experience rather than assigning blame.
Practice empathy by acknowledging their perspective and the emotions behind it.
Take a collaborative approach aimed at finding a mutually beneficial solution, rather than a "win-lose" outcome.
What harmful conflict looks like:
Harmful conflict often shows up as personal attacks, blame, and defensiveness — patterns that turn disagreements into battles to ‘win’ rather than opportunities to solve problems together. These exchanges tend to be emotionally charged and unproductive, marked by poor listening, contempt, manipulation, or an unwillingness to recognize one’s own part in the disagreement. The Gottman Institute’s “Four Horsemen” are common indicators of this dynamic: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When these behaviors take over, conflict can quickly erode trust and emotional safety in the relationship.
5 Questions to Gauge the Health of Your Conflict
Who wins in this argument: you, your partner, or your relationship?
Healthy conflict involves taking a “win-win” stance with your partner; in other words, you may not agree about the issue or see eye to eye on how to address it, but you are prioritizing the relationship and trying to find a compromise or solution that works for both parties. Conversely, harmful conflict involves taking a “win-lose” stance with your partner in which “winning” the argument is more important than finding a solution that works for everyone.Are you listening to each other?
Healthy conflict involves using active listening skills, “I” statements, and trying to understand the other person’s point of view. Harmful conflict involves personal attacks, name calling, blaming, and not listening to what the other person has to say.Do you know when to pause the conversation?
Healthy conflict can get heated or escalated at times, but it often doesn’t, and when it does get escalated, partners are willing to take a break or “time out” from the conflict to regulate their emotions before returning to the conversation. Harmful conflict can go one of two ways: it can escalate into manipulation, gaslighting, and intimate partner violence in severe cases, or it can look like avoidance of important issues in the relationship.Do both of you feel safe expressing differing view points?
In healthy conflicts, partners feel emotionally and physically safe in expressing different viewpoints. This is often not the case in harmful conflict patterns.When the argument is over, do you feel closer to each other, or more distant? Healthy conflict often leads to increased trust, empathy, understanding, and an increased sense of intimacy. Harmful conflict can lead to isolation, mistrust, and a decrease in intimacy.
Relationship Therapy Near You
Managing conflict and making space for each other's feelings is the essential work of being in a relationship. The ways we engage in conflict are often a complex mix of dynamics within our families of origin, socialized gender norms, and more. We're often telling ourselves stories about what each other's behavior means, rather than taking the time to listen and empathize.
Therapy can help you and your partner peel back all of these layers and how they shape your communication styles, help you take ownership of your feelings, and choose new ways of connecting with your loved ones.
At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our therapists support all types of romantic relationships––straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, divorced––to help partners engage in healthy conflict and build intimacy. We also support individuals are single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, and those recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal. Together, we'll help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, fulfilling connections.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.