What I’ve Learned About Grief and Love as a Therapist
“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.” -Winnie the Pooh
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I strive to live transparently and with awareness of the systems that shape us—our faith, families (chosen and biological), friendships, and the ways we give and receive love. These values guide my actions, forming a personal metric for how I move through the world. And then…Grief enters. Grief never enters as a friend. It’s the most unwanted visitor of all visitors. Grief doesn’t consult my schedule to confirm whether it’s okay for us to get together. It comes when it wants, where it wants, how it wants, to whoever it wants. I may have values and expectations, but Grief couldn't care less. As I process the grief I’ve experienced in the past several years, I find purpose in sharing what I’ve learned with clients and readers, so that the grief journey might feel less lonely.
“Grief is the form love takes when someone we care about dies. Our experience of grief is our reaction to all the changes we experience during bereavement.” — The Center for Complicated Grief
As you grow, you learn from different systems, meanings, beliefs, and people, and then poof—one day it happens. You lose someone. This person, who once held some sense of significance within your life, is suddenly no longer able to physically hold space with you ever again. It is mentally overwhelming and forces us to utilize our strengths and resources unlike ever before.
The last three years have been a whirlwind of emotions for me as I’ve lost fourteen loved ones, including my grandmother in 2022 and my best friend in 2024. At times, reluctantly, defeatedly, and other times quite empoweringly, I’ve been forced to surrender to the complicated grief of it all. For me, grieving activated some core emotions, and I have wondered if I could continue to be an effective therapist and hold space for others as I experienced my highs and lows. Relying on my faith, my education, and therapy is a practice I have developed an elevated sense of appreciation for, which allows me to process each of those feelings and find the strength to move forward.
Every Grief Experience is Unique
Every loss is different, and therefore every grief experience is different. I've lost people close to me, like my grandmother and my best friend, but I've also lost others, like my family pet snake of 8 years, and even public figures who mattered to me, like Malcolm Jamal Warner (Theo from The Cosby Show), in what's known disenfranchised grief.
Even among those I was close with, the grief experiences have differed significantly. My grandmother was and is one of the great loves of my life. She represents all things glamorous, bold, powerful, and good to me, but I lost her to dementia three years before her death. Her dementia-driven outbursts made her act like a different person towards me, so for my own emotional well-being I chose to detach from the relationship and entered into what's known as ambiguous loss, where the person is still physically present but psychologically absent. Even though my grandmother was alive, I grieved the grandmother I once knew, and when she ultimately passed, I grieved more.
It turns out, grief can happen along a wide spectrum of loss experiences, and we have to learn how to be open to developing a new kind of relationship with those we've lost. It takes time as we navigate complex emotions and process the state of the relationship at the time of the person's passing, and continue living our daily lives.
What I’ve Learned About Grief
It’s never easy grieving a loss, but grieving multiple losses while still trying to be a good therapist to my clients has been a tender challenge. Along my grief journey, I’ve found a few things that have helped me, and I hope they help you, too:
Be open to new meanings. I’ve continued to be open to developing new meanings, including an openness to things outside of my understanding. Through my own therapy experiences, I have developed a deeper appreciation for my loved ones' journeys, their autonomy, their voices, and the capacity level of love they were able to give, including their shadows, even during times when I was a casualty of it. In the shadow, I was provided with the opportunity to express myself authentically, which I am grateful for.
Be flexible with beliefs and traditions. In the grieving process, resistance to change often stems from family narratives and traditions that are rigidly enforced (Boss, 2010). Flexibility is important. While traditions provide continuity, it is important to allow for change so that people can bend under the pressure of illness and loss with no cure or closure and still rise from it stronger.
Hold space for yourself and others. I learned that through the process of affirming, deconstructing, and reconstructing experiences for others, from my clients to my loved ones, I hold space not only for them, but also for myself (Gunzburg, 1994). Paying attention to clients' curiosities of my experiences and how I navigate this time in the world has allowed connection and space for humanness (McBride et al., 2020).
Choose radical, unconditional love. I have evolved in my execution of setting boundaries, entering into an entirely new level of radical self-love. I can relate to my loved ones’ journeys and see them for who they were and still are to me. They have shown me how to let go of narratives that don’t belong to me. I feel humbled and empowered to say that in my grief, I’ve learned unconditional love.
You’re Not Alone on Your Grief Journey
Grief is part of the human experience. So is asking for help. Whatever the type of loss you've experienced, and no matter how complicated your feelings are, our team at ECC is here to help you process your grief, find healthy ways to navigate your new normal. If you need support as you grieve a loss, whether it's a death, divorce, estrangement, miscarriage, or other type of loss, we can help. Book an appointment today to get started.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.
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References:
Boss, P. (2010). The Trauma and Complicated Grief of Ambiguous Loss. Pastoral Psychol 59, 137–145.
Gunzburg, J. C. (1994). ‘What works?’ Therapeutic experience with grieving clients. Journal of Family Therapy, 16(2), 159-171.
McBride, Hillary & Joseph, Andrew & Schmitt, Peter & Holtz, Brett. (2020). Clinical recommendations for psychotherapists working during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic through the lens of AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy). Counselling Psychology Quarterly. 34. 1-21. 10.1080/09515070.2020.1771283.