Navigating the Emotional Fallout of Parental Estrangement
Going no-contact with your parent(s) can be a really painful decision. Not only can the process of setting and holding the boundary be difficult––particularly when it is non-mutual—but the emotional toll of processing the change and accepting the new nature of your relationship can feel very heavy. Feelings of loss, guilt, and fear are all natural to experience after a decision like this, even with the knowledge that you still made a choice that is right for yourself.
Although each parental relationship is unique, some common themes can be helpful to keep in mind so that you can be confident and intentional as you move through the process of initiating and maintaining no-contact.
Common Themes to Help You Navigate Parental Estrangement
Self-love, self-love, self-love: Apt advice for most situations, but especially after a major relational transition like estrangement from a parent. Practicing self-love is how we learn to prioritize ourselves and feel confident in our choices. Sometimes feelings of guilt and complicated beliefs about our own worthiness can get triggered, and self-love can help remind us that this decision was what we needed––more than anything, you deserve to protect yourself and your own needs. Treat yourself with the same compassion and respect that you would treat a friend if they were going through something similar.
Mourn the loss: Give yourself time and permission to grieve the relationship–both what it was, and what it wasn’t.
Grieve what you lost: There may have been positive or gratifying aspects of your parental relationship(s); it is okay to acknowledge the loss of those elements and miss those parts of your relationship.
Grieve what you had hoped for: A move to go no-contact can take time to initiate because of the desire for a different type of relationship, and many previous attempts to move towards that ideal. What were your hopes for your parental relationship prior to the cut-off? What might it mean to grieve its potential, or the things you missed out on?
Honor your prior attempts at repair: Sometimes, folks feel as though their efforts at repair with their parents failed because of having reached out in the wrong way, or because of not having tried hard enough; but it is important to remember that repair takes two willing, motivated parties. When you find yourself dwelling on whether you could have done something different to salvage your relationship, remind yourself that being estranged from your parent(s) isn’t a reflection of who you are, or your character. Find ways to reinforce this for yourself through mindful practices such as journaling, writing notes to yourself, or meditation.
How to Self-Advocate Through Parental Estrangement
Setting and reinforcing boundaries for the estrangement
There may be decisions related to what “no-contact” looks like for you. Here are some questions to consider that can help you hold the boundary:
Do you want to delete/block their phone number, or are you okay with just ignoring potential messages and leaving them on “read”? Do you trust yourself not to respond if they increase their contacts to try and get your attention?
Do you want to delete/block them from your social media?
Is it important to notify siblings or other family members about going no-contact? How big or small of an explanation is important for those relationships?
Setting boundaries with mutual relationships
Speaking of mutual relationships, it may be helpful to practice intentionality and firmness on boundaries with those who are still in contact with them, like siblings, or a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle who remains in contact with you. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
Are you okay with hearing news about your parents? If so, how much or how often? What do you want or not want to know about them from mutual relationships?
Are you okay with your mutual relationships sharing news about you to your parents? What do you want them to know or not know about you?
How do you want to navigate family gatherings and important milestones? Are you hoping your family members will invite you, and not them? Are you willing to skip family events if you know your parent(s) will be in attendance?
Leaning into existing close relationships
Strengthening connections that feel safe is so important to ensure you feel fulfilled and supported during a time of relational transition. We all need people that make us feel cared for and seen. Are there people in your life that help you feel this way? Can you lean on those relationships for support? Be honest with your loved ones and friends about what you’re going through, so that they can support you as you navigate this loss.
Therapy for Parental Estrangement
Choosing to sever ties with a family member is always difficult, but especially so when it’s your parent. As you navigate feelings of grief and loss, remember that you don’t have to do it on your own. Therapy is a great tool for exploring family dynamics and processing the heavy emotions that come with estrangement in a supportive, non-judgmental space. A therapist can also help you set boundaries and advocate for yourself with the family you remain in contact with.
If you need support navigating parental estrangement, our therapists at ECC are here to help. We'll match you with the right therapist and therapy approach to help you process your experiences and find healthy ways to communicate and honor your needs.
ABOUT ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.