Attachment Styles: What They Mean and How They Can Help in Your Relationships

Have you ever wondered what your life right now would be like if your childhood relationships with your parents or caregivers had been different? Have you ever reflected on a conflict with a partner or friend, and felt intuitively that if your bond with your parent or caregiver had been healthier when you were a kid, perhaps it would be easier for you to communicate as an adult? Maybe you’re not used to stating your needs clearly because your needs as a child were a burden. Maybe it’s hard for you to get through an uncomfortable conversation with your partner without arguing, because arguing was the predominant way your family communicated. Or maybe you often feel anxious in your relationships, and that anxiety has been with you since childhood?

If any of these experiences resonate, attachment-based therapy might help you.

What are Attachment Styles?

Attachment Theory, founded by John Bowlby, is based on the idea that the relationship young children develop with their primary caregiver or guardian impacts their long-term social and emotional development. These bonds are based on children’s survival needs for safety, food, and protection. Our earliest experiences with attachment are formed through our primary caregivers, from birth through early childhood, setting our expectations of how we can relate to others and how they will respond to us.

“Attachment” is a framework for how you relate to others. “Style” is shorthand for how you are connected or disconnected from others. There are two main types of attachment:

• Secure attachment: A secure attachment between a small child and a caregiver forms when the caregiver consistently responds to the child's needs, providing comfort, reassurance, and emotional support. This “secure base” allows the child to explore the world confidently, knowing they have a reliable source of comfort and safety to return to. This early experience fosters a sense of trust, self-worth, and an understanding that relationships can be dependable and supportive. As the child grows, this secure attachment becomes a template for future relationships, influencing their ability to form healthy connections, manage emotions, and navigate conflicts with confidence and resilience.

• Insecure attachment: In an insecure attachment dynamic with a caregiver, the child's needs might be inconsistently met or disregarded, leading to uncertainty about receiving comfort or support. This inconsistency can create anxiety or avoidance in seeking closeness or reassurance. As the child grows, this insecure attachment style might manifest as difficulty in trusting others, struggles with intimacy, and challenges in managing emotions within relationships. It can lead to patterns of either excessive dependence or reluctance to seek support, impacting the ability to form healthy, secure connections in adulthood, often resulting in difficulties with intimacy, communication, and trust within relationships. Within “insecure attachment” there are a few variants:

  • Anxious Attachment, also called anxious-ambivalent attachment, is when a person feels anxious and insecure in their relationships. They might act clingy in relationships, in constant need of reassurance that their loved one isn’t mad or about to leave them. Anxious attachment is often formed when a child’s caregivers are themselves anxious, hovering over the child and then pushing them away, or making the child feel responsible for the caregiver’s feelings.

  • Avoidant Attachment, also called anxious-avoidant attachment, is when a person acts ambivalent or dismissive in their relationships. They struggle to build intimacy or voice their needs in relationships. Avoidant attachment is often formed when a child’s caregivers were strict and emotionally distant, expected the child to be independent, left the child to fend for themselves, or neglected a child’s basic needs.

  • Disorganized Attachment, are people who crave connection with others but are viscerally terrified of it at the same time, leading to erratic and contradictory behavior. Disorganized attachment is often formed in extreme circumstances, like trauma, abuse, or neglect.

How Do I Know What My “Attachment Style” Is?

While there are formal tests that trained psychologists use to determine a client’s attachment style, such as the Adult Attachment Interview or the Adult Attachment Projective, oftentimes you can identify your attachment style through talking with a therapist, reflecting on your current relationships and behaviors, and reflecting back on your childhood. A therapist who specializes in attachment-based therapy and similar modalities like Emotionally Focused Therapy can ask guiding questions to help you identify your attachment style and how it's impacting your relationships.

What is Attachment-Based Therapy?

Attachment-based therapy is a trauma-informed and process-oriented therapeutic method that helps clients identify attachment wounds and repair relationships. It can be effective for individuals of all ages, couples, and families. In attachment-based therapy, a therapist will talk with you to help you understand the four attachment styles, and then lead exercises to help you identify your attachment style, identify deeper attachment wounds, and repair bonds with a partner or other loved ones. Attachment-based therapy can be applied to treat a multitude of presenting issues: individuals (including children and teens) who have experienced abuse, trauma, couples who have experienced infidelity, and families who have experienced a loss.

Attachment-based therapy (also known as attachment-focused therapy) is distinctly different from the similarly named “attachment therapy,” which is a series of behavioral interventions for children with attachment disorders. Though the names are very similar, attachment therapy is not based on the theory by John Bowlby and is not considered compatible with attachment-based therapy. Attachment therapy interventions like rage reduction or rebirthing have been shown to cause adverse effects in children and are not used in attachment-based therapy.

What Makes Attachment-Based Therapy Different From Other Methods?

Attachment-based therapy is different from other talk therapy methods like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in its focus on early childhood experiences and repairing relationships. While Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is also based on Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, the goal of EFT is to understand the emotions that arise from our attachments and how they influence our behavior.

How it Works: What to Expect in an Attachment-Based Therapy Session

In attachment-based therapy, there’s a lot of time given to reflecting on the client’s childhood experiences and relationships to understand present-day conflict. A therapist might also use structured activities to help the client practice new ways of communicating to change the way they connect with others and repair relationships. Whatever strategies a therapist uses, the goal is to establish a secure relationship between therapist and client, so that the client feels safe to explore their past and try new ways of coping and communicating.

Is Attachment-Based Therapy Right For Me?

There are many different effective therapeutic methods, and attachment-based therapy is just one that may be helpful. You may benefit from attachment-based therapy if:

• You experienced trauma, neglect, abuse, or separation from a caregiver as a child

• You sense that childhood experiences are negatively impacting your adult life and relationships

• You want to better understand how your past is affecting your present

• You struggle with trust and security in your relationships

• You want to improve communication in your relationships

• You want to repair broken or difficult relationships

How to Find Attachment-Based Therapy Near You

When we take time to understand our pasts and families of origin, we can begin the work of forming healthier attachments in our present-day lives. Attachment-based therapy is one therapeutic method of many that may be effective for you. At Empowered Connections Counseling, our diverse group of therapists offer a multidisciplinary approach – we will work with you to find the right therapist and the right therapeutic method to suit your needs, including attachment-based therapy for individuals (adults, teens, and children) couples, and families in Chicago and across Illinois.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Building a Secure Attachment in Your Relationships

You might know about attachment styles from books, mental health experts, or the therapist on Instagram that you follow. If it is new to you, then here is a little background. Attachment theory focuses on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships between people. This includes, but is not limited to, friendships, romantic relationships, polyamorous relationships, and even working relationships.

The theory was founded by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby and Ainsworth believed that our attachment style was formed based on the responsiveness of the adults around us in our early experiences. There are four different attachment styles; secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. If you want to know more about each style, we encourage you to check out this blog post, Attachment Styles & Their Roles in Relationships from The Attachment Project.

We all embody levels of each attachment style depending on the situation and relationship, but we typically have a more dominant style. What is key is knowing how your dominant way of relating to others shows up. What thoughts do you have about relationships, vulnerability, interdependence? What are your relational triggers and core fears? What do you do when you experience these triggers?

Gaining insight on yourself in this way can feel overwhelming at first. However, the benefit of attachment is that our neurological pathways are malleable. Meaning your dominant attachment can shift. There is no shame in what exists for you when you relate to others. We all have our own stories that make us who we are. However, working toward a sense of security in ourselves and our relationships can help us in leading more authentic, connected lives. Read on for how you can start to build a secure attachment. 

Talk to a therapist: exploring with a therapist the nature of your attachment orientation is key. Explore your relationship history. What is your earliest memory of feeling reassured, comforted, empathically understood? What were your caretakers’ attitudes toward emotional vulnerability? (i.e. weakness, sign of lack of self-reliance, a healthy part of development, an opportunity for connection) Did you seek support? Who did you turn to? Explore your core attachment fears and needs. Do you have a fear of abandonment or fear of being controlled? Take time to examine that.

Start with yourself: Continuing outside of therapy, exploring your own emotional world is key when establishing secure bonds. Practice being alone and sit with what that feels like. Journal to explore your emotions, and practice breathing exercises that will support you in moments of dysregulation. When you have a better sense of yourself, then you can better communicate your feelings and needs.

Create rituals: when working to establish security in your relationships. Find intentional ways to create rituals with those people. Whether it is a romantic partner, friend, family member, or coworker. Send your friend texts letting them know what they mean to you, or express gratitude for your friendship weekly. If it is your romantic partner, create coming and going rituals. When you leave for the day give them a kiss and a hug. When you get home ask them how their day was and give your full presence. If it is a work friend, schedule time to have lunch dates with them each week, and share what you admire about their work ethic. A little bit can go a long way!

Practice ATTUNEMENT: Use the acronym ATTUNE to practice attunement. Bring in awareness of your own feelings or your partner’s. Turn toward them or express to them what you are feeling. Tolerate your difficult emotions, as well as theirs with a deep breath. Try to seek to understand what they are experiencing. Practice non-judgmental listening and keep the focus on them. Lastly, empathize with them. Find ways you can relate to what they are feeling.

As social creatures we thrive on connection, and desire a strong sense of belonging. Attachment wounds from early experiences can stay with us and show up in our adult relationships. It can be an emotional, painful process un-packing that, but with the support of a therapist there is hope.

Schedule an appointment at Empowered Connections Counseling

Book Recommendations: 

Attached By, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Polysecure By, Jessica Fern

The Power of Attachment By, Dr. Diane Poole Heller