When You Don't See Eye to Eye

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, 69% of problems that relationships face are actually perpetual or unsolvable problems. The good news is no you are not doomed for, and no you are absolutely not alone. What are examples of unsolvable problems might you ask? Many involve personality or character traits that are simply not changeable, but can also be the very parts of your partner that you fell in love with. They can also include core value topics like politics and religion.

Name the Problem

The first step is to name the issue that is getting between you and your partner. When we externalize the issue, and identify it as the problem that is getting between you. Then it pulls away from the mindset that there is something inherently wrong within each of you. The problem is the back and forth, escalated chain reaction involving a topic that is simply not solvable. Is it a topic of financial differences, where one is more fiscally conservative, and the other likes to spend more freely? Identify what the core differences are, and track what it looks like when things start to get heated.

Get Curious

It can be so difficult to navigate an issue when there are core values and firmly held beliefs wrapped up in so many different layers. However, instead of using these tough moments as a time to dig your heels in, and argue your stance. Shift your mindset to acknowledge that this is an opportunity to get to know your partner on a deeper level. There is nothing more powerful than to see and be seen. Plan for an intentional conversation, take a deep breath, and just listen. If you notice the conversation getting heated, then use these simple tips to help de-escalate.  

Below are some examples of questions you can ask to understand your partner’s stance. Think open ended, Who, What, When, Where, How?

• How were finances handled in your home growing up?

• When did you first learn about handling finances?

• Who taught you about finances?

• What values are tied to how you think about finances?

• What dreams do you have for your life where money needs to be considered?

• What ethical beliefs do you have surrounding money?

• What stories from your past that involve money are important for me to know?

• What would you like me to understand about this topic?

• What are your needs? How can I support you?

Create a Plan

Once you have taken the time to understand each other. Then, it is time to tackle the problem together, and find a win-win solution. First, identify your core needs. If saving at least 20% of your salary meets your need of having a sense of financial security, communicate that. If you have a dream of splurging on a vacation once a year to satisfy your need for adventure, speak up. In relationships, we sometimes envision compromise as giving something up. Instead, consider the things you cannot compromise on, then work on your areas of flexibility from there. Areas of flexibility might look like traveling on off peak days, finding a cheaper gym membership, carving out “spend as you please” money from your budget, or annual garage sales. Two heads are better than one when it comes to creative solutions, and the cherry on top is getting to know your partner even better!

Additional Reading: The Gottman Institute: What to Do When You Disagree

What to Expect in Your First Relationship Therapy Session

Starting relationship therapy with your partner(s) and meeting your new therapist can be anxiety provoking.  What will you discuss in your first session? What will your partner(s) say? What will the therapist think? What if it's awkward? These are all normal thoughts when meeting your therapist. You are essentially inviting a stranger into your relationship!

While every therapist may have some slight differences - generally you can expect that the first session will focus on you and the therapist getting to know each other better. Sessions are approximately 55 minutes long. Your therapist will explain logistics such as intake paperwork, confidentiality, cancellation policy, and etc. This allows time for you and your partner to also ask the therapist questions as well. Questions you might ask include the therapist’s approach/style in therapy, previous experience, etc. Your therapist will also ask you questions to understand you and your partner(s) better, goals you want to achieve in therapy, and also explain the structure of sessions. Questions to expect from your therapist include being asked the history of your relationship, conflicts that arise within the relationship, strengths, etc. 

Remember- therapy is a two way street. Feel free to ask questions to your therapist to make sure you all are a good fit, you are essentially interviewing them the first few sessions. Subsequent sessions will include the therapist continuing to understand your relationship and then diving past the ‘surface’ level.  Coming to therapy is similar to dating; you want to make sure you feel heard and understood by your therapist and that you feel comfortable with them. If, after a few sessions,  you feel like you don’t “click”, let your therapist know and they can refer you to other therapists who may be a better fit. It's okay to feel uncomfortable the first few sessions, that’s normal.