When You Don't See Eye to Eye

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, 69% of problems that relationships face are actually perpetual or unsolvable problems. The good news is no you are not doomed for, and no you are absolutely not alone. What are examples of unsolvable problems might you ask? Many involve personality or character traits that are simply not changeable, but can also be the very parts of your partner that you fell in love with. They can also include core value topics like politics and religion.

Name the Problem

The first step is to name the issue that is getting between you and your partner. When we externalize the issue, and identify it as the problem that is getting between you. Then it pulls away from the mindset that there is something inherently wrong within each of you. The problem is the back and forth, escalated chain reaction involving a topic that is simply not solvable. Is it a topic of financial differences, where one is more fiscally conservative, and the other likes to spend more freely? Identify what the core differences are, and track what it looks like when things start to get heated.

Get Curious

It can be so difficult to navigate an issue when there are core values and firmly held beliefs wrapped up in so many different layers. However, instead of using these tough moments as a time to dig your heels in, and argue your stance. Shift your mindset to acknowledge that this is an opportunity to get to know your partner on a deeper level. There is nothing more powerful than to see and be seen. Plan for an intentional conversation, take a deep breath, and just listen. If you notice the conversation getting heated, then use these simple tips to help de-escalate.  

Below are some examples of questions you can ask to understand your partner’s stance. Think open ended, Who, What, When, Where, How?

• How were finances handled in your home growing up?

• When did you first learn about handling finances?

• Who taught you about finances?

• What values are tied to how you think about finances?

• What dreams do you have for your life where money needs to be considered?

• What ethical beliefs do you have surrounding money?

• What stories from your past that involve money are important for me to know?

• What would you like me to understand about this topic?

• What are your needs? How can I support you?

Create a Plan

Once you have taken the time to understand each other. Then, it is time to tackle the problem together, and find a win-win solution. First, identify your core needs. If saving at least 20% of your salary meets your need of having a sense of financial security, communicate that. If you have a dream of splurging on a vacation once a year to satisfy your need for adventure, speak up. In relationships, we sometimes envision compromise as giving something up. Instead, consider the things you cannot compromise on, then work on your areas of flexibility from there. Areas of flexibility might look like traveling on off peak days, finding a cheaper gym membership, carving out “spend as you please” money from your budget, or annual garage sales. Two heads are better than one when it comes to creative solutions, and the cherry on top is getting to know your partner even better!

Additional Reading: The Gottman Institute: What to Do When You Disagree

On Couples: Sexism in the Relationship

Disclaimer: As a couples’ therapist I’ve had experiences of witnessing and combating sexism. As a male, I have a part in witnessing and contributing to sexism. This duality is not lost and to a degree cannot be separated. This is stated in good faith to contextualize the author. Further, this blog is written to represent hetereosexual and monogamous relationships solely in order to contextualize the limited perspective which is possible within the scope of this blog. As well, some of these expressions are not only sexism, but sometimes signs of domestic violence. The context of this blog is not to be read for signs of domestic violence, but solely sexism. If you are witnessing or a victim of domestic violence seek help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233. 

As a therapist I have the opportunity to watch and listen extensively to various configurations of human relationships. The makeup of every relationship is different and manifests in different ways, but sexism is an all too frequent occurrence in relational therapy. Three main ways in which I have witnessed sexism in relational interactions is in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing. Though not every couple demonstrates all three, I often see at least one in heterosexual couples. The aim of this blog is to be able to identify some forms of sexism when it occurs in your relationship. 

Use of Tone

Tone is a unique tool in communication. It can change the context of words so easily and be misunderstood even faster. Tone in relationship to sexism is often expressed with a deeper or aggressive way then one might usually speak. This often triggers the other to physical shrink in relation to the partner using this tone. The reason this becomes sexist is in the use of the tone, not the tones themselves, for the purpose of putting the other partner in a submissive/one down position. A way to combat this is to aim for communication to not occur using these tones. If one partner is exhibiting an aggressive or deeper tone than usual, it is a signal that communication is not constructive and to take a moment to slow things down so as to make a mindful decision about continuing to talk or ceasing to do so. 

Physical Positioning

As mentioned previously, physical positioning often is a response to tone, though not always. Often physical positioning comes in two forms; towering and aggression. Towering is when one physically positions themselves in a taller position than their partner (on rare occasions, the sexist partner will shrink, yet use a tone as a way to combat being seen as sexist), while aggression is often expressed by clenching fists/teeth, or moving to a fighting posture. The reason this becomes sexist is that it is used to dominate over the other partner and make them appear to be stronger than the other. A way to combat these behaviors of sexism is to sit down and keep a relaxed posture. This creates a more equal ground to express ourselves. When equality is broken in a relationship, it is a warning sign to take pause. 

Emotional Policing

Out of the three ways sexism may occur in a relationship, this one is often unseen by partners. As it has no physical marker usually, it is harder to pick up on. Emotional policing is when certain emotions are only allowed to be expressed by one partner and not the other on the factor of biological sex. Often this manifests as cis-females being permitted to use sadness and not express anger, and the inverse is true for cis-males. A more subtle expression of emotional policing is telling the partner how they may or may not feel or express emotions. A way to combat this sexism is by disentangling the beliefs that individuals hold around expression and feeling their emotions. All humans experience the emotional spectrum and therefore are allowed to express their emotions in a safe and constructive way. 

Sexism is often something that comes into the therapy room and lives in relationships. Though not exhaustive, I hope that this blog can help you identify sexist behaviors in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing, while giving you a starting point to address sexism in your relationship. Furthering understanding is the best way to start overcoming a problem. Below I have listed several resources to begin or continue your journey in addressing sexism in your relationship:

Articles & Blogs:

Susan Madsen writes about types of sexism in the workplace. Beginning to understand Hostile and Benevolent Sexism is not only beneficial in the workspace, but also in relationships.

Aleksandra Nasteska writes about inequalities due to sexism in Western Culture that affect relationships. Exploring ways that sexism manifests in relationships and ways to overcome the Us/Them dynamic are useful in addressing sexism in relationships.

Books:

Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (1949) is one of the influential works of Second-Wave Feminism. This philosophical writing is the blend between philosophy, personal experience and fiction to illustrate the inequalities that sexism has and does produce.

John Stuart Mill’s The Subjection of Women (1869) is one of the oldest explicit Feminist Philosophy texts. Written with his wife, then his daughter after his wife’s death. The Mills argue that sex-equality is essential for a society to be able to call itself a Good Society.

On Arguing: Stay in a Lane

Have you ever taken a road trip with multiple vehicles? If so, have you gotten frustrated that one person is either out of the column of drivers or going way too fast/slow? This is a moment that has happened to me on several trips and it seems inevitable that I say over the radio, “can you stay in a lane, please? Let’s arrive together.” The odd thing is I often ask myself this in couple and family therapy sessions as well. Let’s briefly unpack some of these ideas together!

Staying in a Lane

Staying in a Lane means to not change subjects abruptly when arguing. If we are discussing a problem with our partner, stay with a single subject at a time. When changing subjects remember that your partner is not in your car, rather in your column. This means you need to clearly signal to your partner that you want to change subjects and wait for that validation so that everyone is changing lanes together.

Set the Speed Limit

Set the Speed Limit means to be mindful of your tone. When you go into a conversation with a family member, remember that how you speak is just as important as what you say. When you start the conversation with a calm tone, keep this tone. If you find it hard to keep this tone, act as if you are driving. If you cannot keep your eyes open, tell your family member this and take a break.

Arriving Together

It is hard to keep a calm tone (Set the Speed Limit) when discussing serious subjects. Emotions pull us to different places, but when we stick to a serious subject at a time (Stay in a Lane), it is easier to Arrive Together. When we Arrive Together this means we have spoken our peace to mutual satisfaction. We may not agree on everything, someone may have raised their voice, and another may have deviated from the subject a bit. Arriving Together is important because it means that our conversation avoided an argument, we minded our tones and let each other know we wanted to move to a different subject. 

What I like about these ideas is that they will not only help your communication with friends and family, but they will make the next road trip more enjoyable! When we can communicate well it makes our relationships stronger, and stronger relationships are happier relationships!