Beyond Sadness: Understanding Grief

Grief is a natural response to loss. In theory, we all understand that grief is part of the human experience, but when loss actually happens in our lives, the intensity and unique shape of our grief can still catch us off guard. Yet just because grief is part of the human experience, doesn’t mean we have to cope with it alone, or reign in how we express it. In this post, we’ll explore different kinds of loss and grief, and how to know when it’s time to seek therapy for grief.

How Grief Manifests In Different Ways (Beyond Sadness)  

To understand nuances in the way we feel grief, it’s important to remind ourselves of the importance of close relationships. Close relationships are part of our biology; we seek out close relationships for many reasons such as safety, survival, and emotional regulation. It’s important to feel cared for and it's important for us to care for others. Close relationships also influence our motivations in life, and our interests. They are an integral part of being human. So when someone close to us dies, so much for us changes without them. 

“Grief is the form love takes when someone we care about dies. Our experience of grief is our reaction to all the changes we experience during bereavement.” —The Center for Complicated Grief  

In the beginning of bereavement, it's like the world has turned upside down without this person. Losing someone close to us can lead to many changes in our lives: who we spend time with, who handles certain household tasks, who we talk to about certain things, how we envision the future.

With all of these changes in the wake of someone’s death, acute grief can look and feel like other emotions such as (but not limited to): 

• Anger

• Hurt

• Anxiety/fear

• Guilt

• Numbness 

• Hopelessness

As time goes on we start to cope, process, accept these experiences and adapt to life without this person. We don’t feel these feelings as intensely on a day-to-day basis, although the intensity may return when important grief milestones come up, like the anniversary of their death, or a big life event such as a graduation or wedding. We also might start to feel other parts of grief, such as love, gratitude, inspiration, or determination to honor their memory. 

It’s important to remember that grief is not a linear process. You can have good moments and painful moments all in the same day. You can experience this variety of grief a month after loss, a year after loss, even 10 years after the loss. There is no time limit. We typically never “get over” our loss but learn to adapt to life without them and live meaningfully. 

What is Ambiguous Loss & Grief? 

While death is the scenario most often associated with grief, there are many other kinds of loss that can lead someone to grieve. According to the Mayo Clinic, ambiguous loss or ambiguous grief is a term for the experience of profound loss and sadness when a person hasn’t experienced the death of a loved one.

Ambiguous loss can include: 

• Relationship breakups (this includes romantic partnerships but can also include friendships) 

• Infidelity

• Job layoffs or career transitions

• Miscarriages and infertility struggles

• Family estrangement

• Financial problems

• Moving to a new place

• Natural disaster

• Political unrest

• Changing belief systems

Types of ambiguous loss: 

• Leaving without a goodbye: This type of loss happens when you lose physical connection with someone but you’re not sure if they’re dead or alive, such as addiction, abandonment, or they’ve gone missing. The uncertainty, lack of closure, and inability to mourn as a family or community with a ritual such as a funeral can compound feelings of grief. 

• Goodbye without leaving: This type of loss occurs when you’re grieving a person who is physically alive but not engaged in your life as they once were due to a chronic illness like dementia or another medical issue, estrangement, incarceration, or addiction. The change in the relationship, even if the choice was yours, can be very painful. 

• Situational goodbye: Grief isn’t always the result of death or even a change in a relationship. Witnessing loss in other places, such as war, natural disaster, a shooting or violent crime in your community, or political unrest, can stir feelings of grief. Other, less life-threatening experiences are also valid reasons for feeling grief, such as job loss or financial struggles. 

Practical Strategies for Coping with Grief

Whatever kind of loss you’ve experienced, remember: there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Focus on being present with what you need. When experiencing acute grief, try to pay extra attention to the ways you are caring for your basic needs— 

• Am I getting enough sleep? 

• Am I eating enough?

• Am I moving enough? 

Time alone can be helpful. Sometimes in our grief we want privacy. Sometimes time with others can be helpful; we need support and company in our experience. Be present with which one you may need. 

These strategies can also help you process your grief: 

• Journaling through the experience 

• Talking with others about your loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one or a more ambiguous loss. Let others in on how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. 

• Grief counseling/therapy. Individual therapy for grief is helpful, but so is group therapy where you can connect with others who have experienced loss. 

• Find ways to continue to connect and maintain your bond to your loved one. Rituals, memorializing them, looking at pictures, talking or writing to them, creating something with them in mind—these acts are healthy ways to express and release emotions so that they’re not bottled up inside.

• Let others help you and tell them what you need. Humans do not typically grieve well alone.

When to Seek Mental Health Therapy for Grief 

Therapy can be very beneficial at any time after a loss, but you might consider starting therapy if you are experiencing persistent and intense experiences of grief for an extended period of time that significantly impacts your daily functioning. According to the American Psychiatric Association, it might be time to seek grief therapy if you’re experiencing any of the following:

• Intense longing for the deceased

• Preoccupation with thoughts or memories of the deceased

• Identity disruption, feeling as though part of oneself has died

• Disbelief about the death

• Avoidance of reminders of the deceased

• Intense emotional pain, such as anger or sorrow

• Difficulty reintegrating into daily life

• Emotional numbness

• Feeling that life is meaningless

• Intense loneliness

If you are experiencing these symptoms beyond the acute phase of grief, you may be experiencing Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). A therapist trained in grief counseling can help you develop tools and insight to move towards living life in a meaningful way after the loss of your loved one. 

Grief Counseling Near You

Just as grief is essential to the human experience, so is asking for help when we can’t cope alone. No matter what type of loss you’ve experienced, no matter how you feel about it, from intense to numb or ambivalent, ECC therapists are here to help you emotionally process your experience and navigate your new normal. If you need support with grieving, moving on from death, divorce, estrangement, or another type of loss, we're here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Types of Grief

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

"Grief I've learned is just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."- Anonymous

As if grief weren’t complicated enough to deal with, there are a few different types of grief to be aware of. The importance of knowing these different types of grief is that you or a loved one can understand what you or they are going through to better process the grief and manage the emotions that go along with it. If you would like to get a recap on symptoms of grief, head over to the previous blog here!

Anticipatory Grief

This type of grief occurs when there is either a terminal or progressive illness that causes you to anticipate the grief that will occur when the individual passes away.

What you may experience:

• Anger

• Loss of emotional control

• Helplessness

• Loss of other things, such as dreams, future or family structures

How to help:

In situations where you may be anticipating the loss, it is important to use the time to process the loss with that person. It can be difficult to accept the fact that a loved one is going to pass away, but it gives an opportunity to spend time with them to find meaning in your relationship with that person and gain closure and peace for when they actually pass.

Complicated Grief

This type of grief lasts longer than “normal” grief (I put normal in quotes because there really is not a normal way to grieve, so use this term lightly), and may affect your daily living if you are not receiving help. If someone has an underlying mental health diagnoses such as depression or anxiety, it can also make the grief feel more intense. Someone who has depression or anxiety may have a harder time finding coping skills that are effective without additional help from a therapist.

What you may experience:

• Grief lasting a long period of time with no improvement

• Delayed grief (experiencing grief long after someone passes)

• Extreme or intense reactions to the loss (self-destruction, changes in behavior)

How to help

Since complicated grief is just how it sounds, complicated, the best route to process it would be to speak with a counselor. It may also be beneficial to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist if you feel you may have an underlying mental health condition as well.

Disenfranchised Grief

This type of grief occurs when a society, family member, friend or community invalidates the grief. This could be if the death is a suicide, overdose or something similar. This may also be if the death is someone that was not necessarily a close part of their life such as a coworker. These can be tough because although you may not be a close friend or family member, you still can feel the loss. Friends or family may wonder why you are experiencing grief, but it is important to remember that grief can manifest itself in different ways within different people. It could also be a trigger of a another time someone felt grief.

What you may experience:

• Feeling isolated

• No validation of your grief/feelings

• Feeling shameful or guilty for grieving

• Suppressing the grief

How to help

It can be helpful to find others who may have experienced that type of grief to help normalize the feelings (support groups, etc.). It may also be a good idea to talk to a counselor to find support and an outlet for your feelings of grief. Remember that everyone experiences grief differently, and just because others do not validate your grief, does not mean what you are feeling is not real.

Other types of grief

Along with the types of grief mentioned above, there are other types that may not be as common but still should be discussed.

Traumatic Grief - When a loved one dies in a traumatic and/or violent nature. This could cause nightmares, flashbacks (if witnessed), etc.

Cumulative Grief - Experiencing a loss while still grieving a different loss

Masked Grief - Experiencing grief that affects daily functioning but is not recognized by the person grieving. This person may be masking the symptoms with other behaviors (overeating, physical symptoms, self-sabotaging, etc.)

Collective Grief - Refers to grief experienced by a group. This is becoming more common with school shootings, natural disasters or if there is a death in a close knit community.

Absent grief - When the person is not showing any signs of grieving and is in denial of the loss. This might look like someone who goes about their normal life as if the person had not passed away. This person may be in complete shock and unable to recognize the loss.

There is no “right” way to process grief. However, if you notice that the grieving process is affecting your daily life and functioning, we encourage you to seek out counseling. This will help with processing the grief as well as learning how to manage the emotions that come along with it.

Types of Grief. (2017, March 28). Retrieved from https://whatsyourgrief.com/types-of-grief/

Understanding Grief: Symptoms and Ways to Cope

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

Everyone experiences grief at some point in their lives. This can be through the death of a close loved one, or through other losses such as the loss of a job, the loss of a pet, or even the loss of a lifelong dream or goal. When a loss occurs, there are many different emotions someone can experience. Reactions can range from crying and sadness, to anger and disbelief. The difficult part about experiencing a loss is that there is not a one-stop-shop solution. Grief is not linear. There is not a specific set of things you can do to make it better, and what works for one person may not work for another.

The first part of this series is going to be covering the symptoms of grief as well as a few ways to cope. It is important to be able to identify these symptoms when you may be grieving yourself, or when someone you know may be grieving. By identifying the symptoms, you can begin the healing process, or help guide someone going through it.

There are many different symptoms that can manifest when someone is grieving. They can be separated into feelings, cognitions, physical symptoms and behaviors, and many of them are listed below. (Freeman, 2005; Worden, 2005). 

-Feelings:

- Sadness

- Numbness

- Anger

- Guilt

- Anxiety

-Cognitions:

- Obsessive Thinking

- Intrusive Thoughts

-Physical Symptoms:

- Tight Chest

- Lack of Energy

- Muscle Weakness

- Dry Mouth

-Behaviors:

- Sleep Issues

- Changes in Appetite

- Social Withdrawal

- Absent Mindedness

Many of these symptoms are very normal when it comes to the grieving process. However, one thing to be aware of are symptoms of depression versus grief. There are some similarities between the two but they are also very different experiences, and if left untreated, depression can become very serious. Below are some symptoms of major depression:

- Worthlessness

- Exaggerated guilt

- Suicidal thoughts

- Low self-esteem

- Powerlessness

- Helplessness

- Agitation

- Loss of interest in pleasurable activities

- Exaggerated fatigue

 Coping with Grief

 As mentioned earlier, grief is not linear. This is very important to remember because someone’s grieving process may take a few weeks, while others may take a few years. It is essential to be sensitive to someone who is grieving and to not force them through the grieving process. Below are a few strategies that may help when going through the process of grief (Note: many of these reference death; however, as we have stated loss can take many different forms).

 -Talk about the death. Many people deny the death which can cause isolation and may make it more difficult to accept the death and move on with life.

-Experience and accept feelings. It is important to remember that feelings of sadness, anger, numbness, etc. are all normal. In order to process the loss you must accept these feelings and try to experience them.

-Prioritize Self-Care. Many people neglect themselves while grieving. There is a lot happening and it can be distracting. Make sure you focus on your eating habits, exercise and sleep. Try Mindful Meditation to help as well. Apps such as “calm” or “headspace” can help with this.

-Accept support and help from others. It can be easy to feel like a burden to people when you are grieving, but the people around you are there for you to lean on. Surround yourself with your support people and accept the help they offer.

-Remember your loved ones in a positive light. It can be difficult to think about the positives in a time where everything seems so negative. Celebrate the life of the deceased and remember them in ways that make you feel good. Sometimes it can help to memorialize them in ways such as planting a tree, creating a memory book or advocating for a certain charity that is in their name.

 If you or someone you know is experiencing grief and is having a difficult time, please seek out professional help from a mental health counselor.

Sources:

Freeman, S (2005). Grief and Loss. Understanding the Journey. Belmont, CA: Thompson Brooks/ Cole

Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one. (n.d.). Retrieved from   

        https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/grief

Schwartz, A., LCSW, PhD. (n.d.). The Difference Between Grief and Depression, The DSM V. Retrieved

      from https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-difference-between-grief-and-depression-the-dsm-v/

Worden, J.W. (2005). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: Handbook for Mental Practitioners (3rd ed.).

      New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company