How to De-escalate Conflict in your Relationship

When an argument happens with your partner, you may feel a wide range of emotions such as betrayal, anger, and disbelief. Although there are several different strategies to de-escalate, therapy may be the best option if you find yourself getting stuck in the same pattern time and again. Your therapist can teach effective de-escalation and help your relationship heal and grow. One therapeutic technique that can help is utilizing effective timeouts.

Timeouts can help you and your partner de-escalate when your emotions are running high in an argument, to a place later on where you revisit in a more calm approach. Remember these four “C’s” to maximize timeouts.

• Clues- Identify clues for when a timeout is needed - some examples include feeling unsafe, emotionally overwhelmed, or “flooded”. Another clue may be when your goal is to win the argument rather than to truly listen and understand your partner. 

• Commit- Respect your partner’s request for the timeout and wait until the established time has been agreed on to revisit the discussion. Don’t push your partner to talk about the issue prematurely or when either person is feeling emotionally charged. 

• Cool down- during the break, engage in emotional self-soothing which can include going on a walk, cooking a meal, or another method to help distract you to not focus on the conflict. 

• Come back- Take at least 1 hour, but within 24 hours revisit the conflict and have a discussion with your partner. At this point, both parties should be feeling more relaxed and this is an opportunity to talk about how to improve communication, take ownership for any faults, and reconcile with your partner. 

Further reading: https://www.hopecouples.com/resources/Strategies%20for%20Working%20with%20Couples%20with%20High%20Conflict%20in%20the%20HFA.pdf 

Is it time to stop applying the golden rule to our relationships?

Found in nearly every major religion and a cornerstone of ethics for millennia: the golden rule - to treat others as you would like to be treated - is a maxim of the ages. It is no wonder that the golden rule is oft-applied to improving our interpersonal relationships. Regularly, I find clients reducing discord in their partnerships to not following this tradition. To their surprise, I find the golden rule is often the source of many relationship issues, not the solution; I think it is time to toss this rule out the window.

Instead, I recommend treating others as they would like to be treated. Our preferences, values, needs, and wants more often than not differ from others. For example, we all have that loved one during the holiday season that offers us a gift that misses the mark - in fact, upon further examination, it seems to be a gift they would have enjoyed, not you. Partnerships function in a remarkably similar way. Everything from division of labor and finances to demonstration of affection and sexual intimacy needs re-evaluation from a framework of openly asking our partners how they would like to be treated and to set aside the projection of our wants and needs onto others. When you can accept differences, openly communicate, and provide for others what they long for you will see a remarkable improvement in your relationships.

George Bernard Shaw mirrors these sentiments well when he wrote, “Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same” and “The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.”

On Couples: Sexism in the Relationship

Disclaimer: As a couples’ therapist I’ve had experiences of witnessing and combating sexism. As a male, I have a part in witnessing and contributing to sexism. This duality is not lost and to a degree cannot be separated. This is stated in good faith to contextualize the author. Further, this blog is written to represent hetereosexual and monogamous relationships solely in order to contextualize the limited perspective which is possible within the scope of this blog. As well, some of these expressions are not only sexism, but sometimes signs of domestic violence. The context of this blog is not to be read for signs of domestic violence, but solely sexism. If you are witnessing or a victim of domestic violence seek help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233. 

As a therapist I have the opportunity to watch and listen extensively to various configurations of human relationships. The makeup of every relationship is different and manifests in different ways, but sexism is an all too frequent occurrence in relational therapy. Three main ways in which I have witnessed sexism in relational interactions is in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing. Though not every couple demonstrates all three, I often see at least one in heterosexual couples. The aim of this blog is to be able to identify some forms of sexism when it occurs in your relationship. 

Use of Tone

Tone is a unique tool in communication. It can change the context of words so easily and be misunderstood even faster. Tone in relationship to sexism is often expressed with a deeper or aggressive way then one might usually speak. This often triggers the other to physical shrink in relation to the partner using this tone. The reason this becomes sexist is in the use of the tone, not the tones themselves, for the purpose of putting the other partner in a submissive/one down position. A way to combat this is to aim for communication to not occur using these tones. If one partner is exhibiting an aggressive or deeper tone than usual, it is a signal that communication is not constructive and to take a moment to slow things down so as to make a mindful decision about continuing to talk or ceasing to do so. 

Physical Positioning

As mentioned previously, physical positioning often is a response to tone, though not always. Often physical positioning comes in two forms; towering and aggression. Towering is when one physically positions themselves in a taller position than their partner (on rare occasions, the sexist partner will shrink, yet use a tone as a way to combat being seen as sexist), while aggression is often expressed by clenching fists/teeth, or moving to a fighting posture. The reason this becomes sexist is that it is used to dominate over the other partner and make them appear to be stronger than the other. A way to combat these behaviors of sexism is to sit down and keep a relaxed posture. This creates a more equal ground to express ourselves. When equality is broken in a relationship, it is a warning sign to take pause. 

Emotional Policing

Out of the three ways sexism may occur in a relationship, this one is often unseen by partners. As it has no physical marker usually, it is harder to pick up on. Emotional policing is when certain emotions are only allowed to be expressed by one partner and not the other on the factor of biological sex. Often this manifests as cis-females being permitted to use sadness and not express anger, and the inverse is true for cis-males. A more subtle expression of emotional policing is telling the partner how they may or may not feel or express emotions. A way to combat this sexism is by disentangling the beliefs that individuals hold around expression and feeling their emotions. All humans experience the emotional spectrum and therefore are allowed to express their emotions in a safe and constructive way. 

Sexism is often something that comes into the therapy room and lives in relationships. Though not exhaustive, I hope that this blog can help you identify sexist behaviors in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing, while giving you a starting point to address sexism in your relationship. Furthering understanding is the best way to start overcoming a problem. Below I have listed several resources to begin or continue your journey in addressing sexism in your relationship:

Articles & Blogs:

Susan Madsen writes about types of sexism in the workplace. Beginning to understand Hostile and Benevolent Sexism is not only beneficial in the workspace, but also in relationships.

Aleksandra Nasteska writes about inequalities due to sexism in Western Culture that affect relationships. Exploring ways that sexism manifests in relationships and ways to overcome the Us/Them dynamic are useful in addressing sexism in relationships.

Books:

Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (1949) is one of the influential works of Second-Wave Feminism. This philosophical writing is the blend between philosophy, personal experience and fiction to illustrate the inequalities that sexism has and does produce.

John Stuart Mill’s The Subjection of Women (1869) is one of the oldest explicit Feminist Philosophy texts. Written with his wife, then his daughter after his wife’s death. The Mills argue that sex-equality is essential for a society to be able to call itself a Good Society.

On Arguing: Stay in a Lane

Have you ever taken a road trip with multiple vehicles? If so, have you gotten frustrated that one person is either out of the column of drivers or going way too fast/slow? This is a moment that has happened to me on several trips and it seems inevitable that I say over the radio, “can you stay in a lane, please? Let’s arrive together.” The odd thing is I often ask myself this in couple and family therapy sessions as well. Let’s briefly unpack some of these ideas together!

Staying in a Lane

Staying in a Lane means to not change subjects abruptly when arguing. If we are discussing a problem with our partner, stay with a single subject at a time. When changing subjects remember that your partner is not in your car, rather in your column. This means you need to clearly signal to your partner that you want to change subjects and wait for that validation so that everyone is changing lanes together.

Set the Speed Limit

Set the Speed Limit means to be mindful of your tone. When you go into a conversation with a family member, remember that how you speak is just as important as what you say. When you start the conversation with a calm tone, keep this tone. If you find it hard to keep this tone, act as if you are driving. If you cannot keep your eyes open, tell your family member this and take a break.

Arriving Together

It is hard to keep a calm tone (Set the Speed Limit) when discussing serious subjects. Emotions pull us to different places, but when we stick to a serious subject at a time (Stay in a Lane), it is easier to Arrive Together. When we Arrive Together this means we have spoken our peace to mutual satisfaction. We may not agree on everything, someone may have raised their voice, and another may have deviated from the subject a bit. Arriving Together is important because it means that our conversation avoided an argument, we minded our tones and let each other know we wanted to move to a different subject. 

What I like about these ideas is that they will not only help your communication with friends and family, but they will make the next road trip more enjoyable! When we can communicate well it makes our relationships stronger, and stronger relationships are happier relationships!