Collaboration, Connection, and Community: Q&A with ECC Therapist Peter Beer

Not all therapists start out knowing they want to be therapists. Some, like ECC Affiliate Therapist Peter Beer, start out in an entirely different field and realize that human relationships are what they want to dedicate their careers to. In his Q&A for our blog today, Peter shares about what led him to therapy and the approaches he finds beneficial in working with clients. And with June being Men’s Mental Health Month, he shares about the most common issue he sees among young men seeking therapy for the first time—loneliness—and how he coaches them through it.

Peter Beer, MA, AMFT

Affiliate Therapist

What inspired you to become a therapist? 

So many reasons! I actually took a roundabout way to this field—my undergrad was in Industrial Engineering. Although I enjoyed a lot about being in STEM, I found myself wanting more relational pieces to my daily work. I also wanted to feel more directly involved in helping others, particularly in my local communities, and have a career that allowed me to incorporate social justice into my work. Finally, I knew from personal experience how powerfully healing therapy could be, and I wanted to try and impart that to others!

If there’s one thing you could say to a person thinking about starting therapy for the first time, what would it be?

It can be daunting to jump into therapy for the first time—and even more daunting to choose a first therapist! But the biggest thing to remember is that you, as a client, have agency in deciding what that therapy experience should look like and feel like. Have a conversation with your therapist about what you’re looking for so that you can get a feel for how you want sessions to go (and if that’s difficult to articulate for now, no worries, that’s what the therapist is there to help put specifics to!)

In your bio, you say that you draw from a few different therapy approaches: Solution-Focused therapy, Collaborative Language Systems, and Symbolic-Experiential therapy. Can you talk more about what those are and why you find them helpful as a therapist? What kind of benefits do you see for your clients (or hope to see for your clients) through them? 

I see solution-focused and collaborative approaches in similar ways, because they both highlight the client’s own strengths and abilities to facilitate change. I believe everyone has the capacity to heal, and my job is simply to help them unlock that capacity. To me, Solution-Focused Therapy is all about helping clients find the language to describe where they want to “go.” Collaborative Language Systems is about empowering a client to take the lead on directing a session. Both approaches center around the concept that nobody knows better than yourself what feels helpful. I also believe both approaches are inherently trauma-informed as they allow clients to set their own pace in sessions.

Symbolic-Experiential Therapy, to me, is more about how I believe change occurs. In this approach, therapy invites emotional experience into the room so that clients can feel something different during the session. I believe that in order to be different, oftentimes we have to feel different first! That’s what I aim to do in a safe and secure way.

June is Men’s Mental Health Month. Stats show that 16% of American men are in mental health therapy, vs 25% of women. When you talk to men and boys who are seeking therapy for the first time, what comes up? What kinds of experiences make them decide to choose therapy? How do you coach them through overcoming the stigma around seeking help? 

Most of my experience currently is with teens and families, so I might be able to speak to this from an adolescent perspective best. I see a lot of boys—especially in high school—struggling to find community. Many boys aren’t encouraged or taught how to form close, supportive emotional connections with friends. And so attempts to find a sense of belonging can end up being unsuccessful or even damaging to themselves and/or others. Sometimes those attempts to find belonging don’t occur at all. I’ve gotten many teenage referrals who are simply needing generative human connection. For these clients, I aim to meet them where they’re at, and I use my own therapeutic relationship with them as a way to explore what safe, validating interactions can look like.

What are you reading / watching / listening to right now?

I’m currently on a Brandon Sanderson kick! So I just finished Elantris, and I’m on the second Mistborn book. I’ve really liked fantasy recently as a way to access some playful imagination. The other book I’m in the middle of is Warrior Girl Unearthed—young adult books can just be so sweet and enchanting, so I’m hoping this one pans out that way! I’m also an avid bridge player, so my current e-content is full of bridge educational videos and series (Peter Hollands and Gavin Wolpert are my favorites!)

What Is A Systems Therapist? Q&A with ECC Intern Therapist Riley Brennan

“I don’t believe in anything being a ‘personal problem,’” says Riley Brennan, our current graduate intern therapist who is completing her Master’s in Couple and Family Therapy at Adler University. In her Q&A on our blog today, Riley shares what it means to be a systems therapist: someone who works with clients to consider the system influences that impact their mental health, from family and friends, to workplace dynamics, religion, and politics. Keep reading to find out why she finds this framework helpful for connecting with clients.

Riley BRennan, MA, BA

Graduate Intern Therapist

What inspired you to become a therapist? 

My path to becoming a therapist was perhaps a bit untraditional. I have previously worked jobs in sexual violence prevention and response, sex education, and childcare. In their own way, each of these opportunities helped me consider ways to support people navigating the difficult situations and conversations of life, and they all led to being a couples and family therapist!

If there’s one thing you could say to a person thinking about starting therapy for the first time, what would it be? 

Welcome! You’re not too old or too young, too early or too late, too independent or too needy, too stubborn or too weak to be here; you’re right on time and exactly where you need to be. This is your journey, and you’ll get as much as you give.

You describe yourself as a systems therapist – can you talk more about what that means and why you find it helpful as a therapist? 

I don’t believe in anything being a “personal problem.” As a systemic-trained therapist, I look for the ways people have been influenced by and have influenced other aspects of their lives such as family, friends, coworkers, religions, politics, etc. We learn our behaviors and values from the things around us, so to truly understand a problem and work to change it, we have to be willing to look at the family/social/world systems we are part of. 

This approach is helpful because it can free you from the responsibility and shame of being or having a problem; it’s not all you! We can all take responsibility for problems and we can all work together to make them better. This provides opportunities for real, lasting change.

You mention in your bio that you’re especially interested in working with teens and parents of children, can you talk more about why? 

Teens are an overlooked population for therapy. Not enough therapists are willing to work with them, likely because they are developmentally not quite independent but still able to make choices for themselves that can have a major impact on the rest of their lives. Teens experience a lot of change, big emotions, and opportunities, and they deserve a judgment-free, supportive place to talk about their lives. As a former “troubled teen” myself, I don’t scare easily, and I know there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Parents are often unsupported in our society. People are still expected to have kids without necessarily knowing what parenting is like! Research and theories (and social media) on parenting practices have transformed popular opinion on the best ways to parent, making navigating challenging behaviors all the more confusing. Parents deserve informed resources to learn and explore what is best for their own families, and I am excited to be part of that support system.

What are the books or other resources that you recommend most to clients? 

Oh goodness. I read a lot, so I love to talk about books. I recommend Like a Mother by Angela Garbes and Expecting Better by Emily Osters for prospective or expecting parents. Equal Partners by Kate Mangino is excellent for unpacking the balance of labor in domestic relationships. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is life-changing for exploring relationship configurations and perspectives on love. Finally, The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld is wonderful for children (and adults) facing big emotions, and Bodies are Cool by Tyler Feder is beautiful for children (and adults) to learn about body diversity.

What are you reading / watching / listening to right now? 

I’ve been listening to the Off Menu podcast in which comedians talk about their dream meal. It’s funny and lighthearted, so it’s great for unwinding. I listen to Paris Paloma’s feminist indie music on repeat. I have been reading romance (mostly fantasy romance) like my life depends on it for the past year, and I am simply obsessed.

5 Therapy Tips for Connecting with Your Family This Holiday Season

With the holidays just around the corner, it’s normal to feel anxious about making plans with your family, especially if you have a history of conflict. Holidays might have been more fun when you were a kid when you could just play with your siblings and cousins, eat delicious food, and tune out the adult conversation. But now that you’re an adult with your own values and opinions, family togetherness during the holidays might feel more stressful, with lots of potential for disagreement and friction. Roast turkey with a side of resentment, anyone? 🙃

We can’t control how other people in our families act, but we have the agency to make healthier choices that help us navigate complex family dynamics. Here are five tips for connecting with family this holiday season. 

1 - Clarify your own expectations for seeing your family. Check in with yourself: what do you hope this holiday gathering will be like? How do you want to spend time together? Until we can be honest with ourselves about our expectations, we will have a hard time communicating them to others, and that’s a recipe for disappointment. We also need to be honest with ourselves about whether our expectations are an accurate reflection of who we are, and who our family members are. When we set realistic expectations, knowing that frustrating moments are likely to happen, we can make a plan for how we want to respond in the moment in ways that align with our values and needs.

2 - Make a plan for when and how to interact with family. Here’s a scenario that might feel familiar: every year for the holidays, the whole family spends the entire day at Grandma’s house. You arrive at 11AM and leave twelve hours later, stuffed with pie and big feelings about everything everyone said to each other. What if you made a different plan this year? What if you decided to spend less time there — just long enough for dinner and dessert, with a few strategic time-outs in between? Or perhaps your parents expect you to stay at their house for the holidays (with your sibling, their spouse, their rambunctious kids, plus two dogs) and that always feels like too much? Deciding to stay in a different location can give you space and a chance to decompress. Or you might decide that this year FaceTime will have to suffice because you’re not feeling up to joining the full family gathering. The bottom line is that you get to decide when and how to interact with your family, you just have to make a plan that feels right for you.

3 - Set goals and limits. You’ve checked in with yourself on expectations, and you’ve made a plan for when and how to see your family. The next important step is setting goals and limits for interacting with your loved ones. It’s important to be specific. “I want to make it through Thanksgiving dinner without engaging in an argument” is a worthy goal, but a specific goal about how you’ll respond to a specific pattern of behavior will better prepare you for following through. A strong goal might be deciding not to take your dad’s bait about a political disagreement, or redirecting the conversation when your aunts engage in diet talk during dinner. A helpful limit might be setting a planned time to leave with your partner, deciding not to drink alcohol with everyone, or planning to leave if a particular harmful pattern starts to unfold. Writing out your plans, goals, and limits can help you prepare emotionally for taking action in the moment. 

4 - Practice clear communication and boundaries. A key element of fostering healthy change in any relationship is clear communication and firm boundaries. You can do all the work of clarifying your own expectations with yourself and making plans for how you want to interact with family during the holidays, but if you never communicate any of this to your loved ones, it can cause confusion, hurt, and disappointment for both you and them. (You can read more about boundaries here.) 

Some expectations and boundaries are better communicated ahead of time, like where you’ll stay: “We’re going to stay at an Airbnb this year. I know we’re welcome at your place and we’ve always stayed with you before, but this time we’d like to give everyone a bit more room to relax and decompress. It’s not because we don’t appreciate your hospitality, it’s just better for our needs. We’ll still get plenty of quality time together.” 

Other boundaries might be best communicated in the moment, like redirecting topics of discussion: “I hear what you’re saying. Talking about diets and food restriction right now is kind of triggering for me, so can we just enjoy our meal and talk about something else? If you keep talking about it, I’ll excuse myself from the table.” And then swiftly change the subject. 

A therapist may be able to help you reflect on the harmful patterns that make family gatherings difficult and help you strategize and practice new responses so that you’re prepared and confident in the moment. 

5 - Find ways to be kind to yourself. Navigating dysfunctional family dynamics is hard work. If you grew up in a household where your needs were dismissed by your caregivers, or arguing was a precursor to abuse or rejection, speaking up for yourself can feel scary and triggering. The work of breaking harmful cycles and choosing to respond differently can be exhausting, painful, and lonely. It’s important to strategize ways to care for yourself before, during, and after, so that you don’t revert to harmful coping mechanisms or engage in self-sabotaging behavior. Here are a few self-care tips:

• Take time out if you need it. Family gatherings can be overstimulating, from the noise to the number of people and the unpredictability of how everyone will act. Give yourself a chance to hit pause on the chaos with a quiet moment alone, whether it’s a trip to the bathroom or a walk around the block with the family dog.  

• Complete the stress cycle. Your body and brain are on high alert in moments of stress, even in the context of family dysfunction. Some people try to numb the feeling with alcohol, smoking, or other maladaptive coping mechanisms, but if you want to be kind to yourself and your body, there are healthier ways to decompress and tell your body that you’re safe: physical activity like a walk or run, meditation, letting yourself cry, taking a nap, or even meeting up with a friend to see a funny movie and laugh. 

• Forgive yourself when you mess up. We can have the best intentions for acting out our values and holding our boundaries, but we will inevitably disappoint ourselves somewhere along the way. We’re human, and our loved ones are human. Every interaction is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, our families, and use that information to guide our relationships going forward. 

Need Extra Support This Holiday Season? 

If this upcoming holiday season is causing you to experience anxiety and distress, you don’t have to cope on your own. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and build the emotional strength to show up differently in your family, in ways that align with your needs and values. There are many different therapy methodologies that might help you establish healthier connections with your family, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy. At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. If you need help with boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Building and Repairing Trust in a Parent-Child Relationship

Recently, in the heart of a heated conversation, my child admitted to me: “I don’t trust you.”   

Ouch.  

But also “WHAT? HOW? WHY NOT?!”  After all, not only did I give them life, but I do everything in my power to make their life possible, the kid doesn’t even know half the stuff I do for them.  

The lack of trust, not only made me mad, but more importantly hurt my feelings.

The hurt often muffles other feelings, so I needed to put it aside if I was going to understand what my child was really trying to tell me.  I NEED my kid to trust me,  I worry who they will go to with all the voices in their life.  TRUST.

One evening, after my child had a fit of anger, the stomping, the slamming of doors and the yelling, all of which I reacted to, we were finally talking calmly under the cover of darkness right before they fell asleep:  “Mom, when you got mad at me tonight, that is why I don’t trust you. I don’t know how you are going to react to me when I am upset.”

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what this means.  I did not see my reaction to their fit of rage as “getting mad”, but I did react. It is my own feelings in which I am reacting, and my child cannot predict how I will feel and therefore, cannot trust.  

I am starting to do a better job with just being in the moment, being in the pain of the moment with my child.  What they are feeling – I have no idea.  Much like when we are feeling, we often cannot explain what it is or why we feel it.  As grown-ups, most of us have learned to outwardly control our rages, but we often feel them inside.   

Our children need anchors – by reacting – I move the anchor.  If I can stay steady in the storm of their feelings, if they can know, and predict, my steady reaction, the anchor does its job, and we can be caught in any passing storm–but remain safe.   

When I am steady, they can be whomever they need to be at that moment.  When they can safely be themselves, they learn to steady their own boat. 

How can you be an anchor?  

1. Just listen, do not react, beyond a head nod for affirmation.  No matter how wild the storm, know it is going to pass.  

2. Let time work its magic.  Time heals and distracts.  Leave space for your child to process on their own.  They will talk to you when ready.

3. Trust–you may not ever know specifically what caused the storm, but know the storm was real for your child.  

Speaking With Your Child About Their Pronouns - A Therapist's Perspective

“Being transgender [or non-binary] is not just a medical transition; it’s discovering who you are, living your life authentically, loving yourself, and spreading that love towards other people and accepting one another no matter the difference.” — Jazz Jennings

It wasn’t too long ago when my child said to me, “Mom, did you know that some parents do not accept their pronouns?” 

Yes. Yes, I did know some people’s parents did not accept their pronouns.

But I have a hard time explaining why.  

That doesn’t mean my child’s pronouns have been easy for me to understand, or get right.  In some spaces, I still refer to my child as “she” – because it is easier.  Easier for whom?  A question for a different day.  

First, I can only try to address why some parents do not accept their child’s pronouns.  There is an easy explanation – it isn’t grammatically correct.  Then the reasoning gets more complicated: “It defies science.” “There is no such thing.” “It’s just a phase.” “We were made boys or girls.” “Society will make your life harder.” “What else will “they/them” lead to?” The list of excuses is endless.    

Before I was a therapist, I was an English teacher for over two decades. My own child was more nervous of my English background when they told me: “Mom, I think you are going to be upset with me . . . my pronouns are not grammatically correct.” 

I am proud of both of the above anecdotes, each suggesting a broader world in which I allowed my child to exist–at least for a bit – it never occurred to them that I would not accept their place on the gender spectrum and for a while, they believed the whole world was open.  

And yet even with that ease for my child, they suffer.  Trans kids suffer over a body that defies their vision of themselves, they suffer over gender roles at school, on teams, a constant barrage of asking: which bathroom should they go to? What clothes can they wear? They do not fit typical expectations, they suffer the language telling them they are something to make laws against. They suffer in ways we simply cannot even envision, because we are not non-binary, we are not queer, we are not capable of knowing or understanding their experience.   

They suffer.  

The statistics for queer children who preform self harm and contemplate suicide are three times the rates of typical kids.  Three times.  And yet we know the one factor which allows for queer kids to bring those numbers to the same rate as typical kids is familial acceptance.  

Maybe we aren’t meant to understand. I know we aren’t meant to judge.  

Mom and dad, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, all caregivers, I know you love your queer children. Protect them.  Accept them.  Love them.