5 Therapy Tips for Connecting with Your Family This Holiday Season

With the holidays just around the corner, it’s normal to feel anxious about making plans with your family, especially if you have a history of conflict. Holidays might have been more fun when you were a kid when you could just play with your siblings and cousins, eat delicious food, and tune out the adult conversation. But now that you’re an adult with your own values and opinions, family togetherness during the holidays might feel more stressful, with lots of potential for disagreement and friction. Roast turkey with a side of resentment, anyone? 🙃

We can’t control how other people in our families act, but we have the agency to make healthier choices that help us navigate complex family dynamics. Here are five tips for connecting with family this holiday season. 

1 - Clarify your own expectations for seeing your family. Check in with yourself: what do you hope this holiday gathering will be like? How do you want to spend time together? Until we can be honest with ourselves about our expectations, we will have a hard time communicating them to others, and that’s a recipe for disappointment. We also need to be honest with ourselves about whether our expectations are an accurate reflection of who we are, and who our family members are. When we set realistic expectations, knowing that frustrating moments are likely to happen, we can make a plan for how we want to respond in the moment in ways that align with our values and needs.

2 - Make a plan for when and how to interact with family. Here’s a scenario that might feel familiar: every year for the holidays, the whole family spends the entire day at Grandma’s house. You arrive at 11AM and leave twelve hours later, stuffed with pie and big feelings about everything everyone said to each other. What if you made a different plan this year? What if you decided to spend less time there — just long enough for dinner and dessert, with a few strategic time-outs in between? Or perhaps your parents expect you to stay at their house for the holidays (with your sibling, their spouse, their rambunctious kids, plus two dogs) and that always feels like too much? Deciding to stay in a different location can give you space and a chance to decompress. Or you might decide that this year FaceTime will have to suffice because you’re not feeling up to joining the full family gathering. The bottom line is that you get to decide when and how to interact with your family, you just have to make a plan that feels right for you.

3 - Set goals and limits. You’ve checked in with yourself on expectations, and you’ve made a plan for when and how to see your family. The next important step is setting goals and limits for interacting with your loved ones. It’s important to be specific. “I want to make it through Thanksgiving dinner without engaging in an argument” is a worthy goal, but a specific goal about how you’ll respond to a specific pattern of behavior will better prepare you for following through. A strong goal might be deciding not to take your dad’s bait about a political disagreement, or redirecting the conversation when your aunts engage in diet talk during dinner. A helpful limit might be setting a planned time to leave with your partner, deciding not to drink alcohol with everyone, or planning to leave if a particular harmful pattern starts to unfold. Writing out your plans, goals, and limits can help you prepare emotionally for taking action in the moment. 

4 - Practice clear communication and boundaries. A key element of fostering healthy change in any relationship is clear communication and firm boundaries. You can do all the work of clarifying your own expectations with yourself and making plans for how you want to interact with family during the holidays, but if you never communicate any of this to your loved ones, it can cause confusion, hurt, and disappointment for both you and them. (You can read more about boundaries here.) 

Some expectations and boundaries are better communicated ahead of time, like where you’ll stay: “We’re going to stay at an Airbnb this year. I know we’re welcome at your place and we’ve always stayed with you before, but this time we’d like to give everyone a bit more room to relax and decompress. It’s not because we don’t appreciate your hospitality, it’s just better for our needs. We’ll still get plenty of quality time together.” 

Other boundaries might be best communicated in the moment, like redirecting topics of discussion: “I hear what you’re saying. Talking about diets and food restriction right now is kind of triggering for me, so can we just enjoy our meal and talk about something else? If you keep talking about it, I’ll excuse myself from the table.” And then swiftly change the subject. 

A therapist may be able to help you reflect on the harmful patterns that make family gatherings difficult and help you strategize and practice new responses so that you’re prepared and confident in the moment. 

5 - Find ways to be kind to yourself. Navigating dysfunctional family dynamics is hard work. If you grew up in a household where your needs were dismissed by your caregivers, or arguing was a precursor to abuse or rejection, speaking up for yourself can feel scary and triggering. The work of breaking harmful cycles and choosing to respond differently can be exhausting, painful, and lonely. It’s important to strategize ways to care for yourself before, during, and after, so that you don’t revert to harmful coping mechanisms or engage in self-sabotaging behavior. Here are a few self-care tips:

• Take time out if you need it. Family gatherings can be overstimulating, from the noise to the number of people and the unpredictability of how everyone will act. Give yourself a chance to hit pause on the chaos with a quiet moment alone, whether it’s a trip to the bathroom or a walk around the block with the family dog.  

• Complete the stress cycle. Your body and brain are on high alert in moments of stress, even in the context of family dysfunction. Some people try to numb the feeling with alcohol, smoking, or other maladaptive coping mechanisms, but if you want to be kind to yourself and your body, there are healthier ways to decompress and tell your body that you’re safe: physical activity like a walk or run, meditation, letting yourself cry, taking a nap, or even meeting up with a friend to see a funny movie and laugh. 

• Forgive yourself when you mess up. We can have the best intentions for acting out our values and holding our boundaries, but we will inevitably disappoint ourselves somewhere along the way. We’re human, and our loved ones are human. Every interaction is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, our families, and use that information to guide our relationships going forward. 

Need Extra Support This Holiday Season? 

If this upcoming holiday season is causing you to experience anxiety and distress, you don’t have to cope on your own. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and build the emotional strength to show up differently in your family, in ways that align with your needs and values. There are many different therapy methodologies that might help you establish healthier connections with your family, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy. At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. If you need help with boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Building and Repairing Trust in a Parent-Child Relationship

Recently, in the heart of a heated conversation, my child admitted to me: “I don’t trust you.”   

Ouch.  

But also “WHAT? HOW? WHY NOT?!”  After all, not only did I give them life, but I do everything in my power to make their life possible, the kid doesn’t even know half the stuff I do for them.  

The lack of trust, not only made me mad, but more importantly hurt my feelings.

The hurt often muffles other feelings, so I needed to put it aside if I was going to understand what my child was really trying to tell me.  I NEED my kid to trust me,  I worry who they will go to with all the voices in their life.  TRUST.

One evening, after my child had a fit of anger, the stomping, the slamming of doors and the yelling, all of which I reacted to, we were finally talking calmly under the cover of darkness right before they fell asleep:  “Mom, when you got mad at me tonight, that is why I don’t trust you. I don’t know how you are going to react to me when I am upset.”

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what this means.  I did not see my reaction to their fit of rage as “getting mad”, but I did react. It is my own feelings in which I am reacting, and my child cannot predict how I will feel and therefore, cannot trust.  

I am starting to do a better job with just being in the moment, being in the pain of the moment with my child.  What they are feeling – I have no idea.  Much like when we are feeling, we often cannot explain what it is or why we feel it.  As grown-ups, most of us have learned to outwardly control our rages, but we often feel them inside.   

Our children need anchors – by reacting – I move the anchor.  If I can stay steady in the storm of their feelings, if they can know, and predict, my steady reaction, the anchor does its job, and we can be caught in any passing storm–but remain safe.   

When I am steady, they can be whomever they need to be at that moment.  When they can safely be themselves, they learn to steady their own boat. 

How can you be an anchor?  

1. Just listen, do not react, beyond a head nod for affirmation.  No matter how wild the storm, know it is going to pass.  

2. Let time work its magic.  Time heals and distracts.  Leave space for your child to process on their own.  They will talk to you when ready.

3. Trust–you may not ever know specifically what caused the storm, but know the storm was real for your child.  

Speaking With Your Child About Their Pronouns - A Therapist's Perspective

“Being transgender [or non-binary] is not just a medical transition; it’s discovering who you are, living your life authentically, loving yourself, and spreading that love towards other people and accepting one another no matter the difference.” — Jazz Jennings

It wasn’t too long ago when my child said to me, “Mom, did you know that some parents do not accept their pronouns?” 

Yes. Yes, I did know some people’s parents did not accept their pronouns.

But I have a hard time explaining why.  

That doesn’t mean my child’s pronouns have been easy for me to understand, or get right.  In some spaces, I still refer to my child as “she” – because it is easier.  Easier for whom?  A question for a different day.  

First, I can only try to address why some parents do not accept their child’s pronouns.  There is an easy explanation – it isn’t grammatically correct.  Then the reasoning gets more complicated: “It defies science.” “There is no such thing.” “It’s just a phase.” “We were made boys or girls.” “Society will make your life harder.” “What else will “they/them” lead to?” The list of excuses is endless.    

Before I was a therapist, I was an English teacher for over two decades. My own child was more nervous of my English background when they told me: “Mom, I think you are going to be upset with me . . . my pronouns are not grammatically correct.” 

I am proud of both of the above anecdotes, each suggesting a broader world in which I allowed my child to exist–at least for a bit – it never occurred to them that I would not accept their place on the gender spectrum and for a while, they believed the whole world was open.  

And yet even with that ease for my child, they suffer.  Trans kids suffer over a body that defies their vision of themselves, they suffer over gender roles at school, on teams, a constant barrage of asking: which bathroom should they go to? What clothes can they wear? They do not fit typical expectations, they suffer the language telling them they are something to make laws against. They suffer in ways we simply cannot even envision, because we are not non-binary, we are not queer, we are not capable of knowing or understanding their experience.   

They suffer.  

The statistics for queer children who preform self harm and contemplate suicide are three times the rates of typical kids.  Three times.  And yet we know the one factor which allows for queer kids to bring those numbers to the same rate as typical kids is familial acceptance.  

Maybe we aren’t meant to understand. I know we aren’t meant to judge.  

Mom and dad, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, all caregivers, I know you love your queer children. Protect them.  Accept them.  Love them. 

Mapping out Therapy - An Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

Have questions about what to expect when coming to therapy? What types of therapy are there? How to know if a therapist is a good fit? Empowered Connections Counseling Founder, Danielle Zawadzki, LMFT sat down with Palos Heights’ (PHTV4) Living Well program to discuss the ins and outs of therapy. Below is a brief summary of her interview, and be sure to check out the full length interview with more in depth insights at the link below. 

Q: What are the different types of therapy out there? 

A: If you were to see a therapist once a week that would be considered outpatient, and this can be in the context of individual therapy, relational therapy, family therapy, or group therapy. Individual therapy is for people of all ages, couple or relationship therapy would typically be with you and your partner(s), family therapy is with all members of a family or certain members of the family, and group therapy is usually a person joining a group of people who are working on a similar topic or goal. 

Q: What types of presenting issues bring people into therapy, whether individual, relationship, or family? 

A: On the individual level there are a wide range of topics including anxiety, depression, eating issues, substance use, life transitions, interpersonal support, etc. For relationships you might find people coming in for conflict involving destructive arguments, infidelity, divorce or separation, and even premarital counseling. For family therapy presenting topics might include conflict, life transition like an adult child returning home, or even a young child struggling with behavioral issues. 

Q: How do you find a therapist and how do you know if they are a good fit? A: You can start by searching for a therapist in a few ways. One way is by asking close friends or family for a word of mouth referral, doing a google search in your area by inserting your zip code, or using Psychology Today. 

As far as whether or not they are a good fit, it is best to consider a few things first. Do you have a preference of the therapist’s gender? What level of experience or specialties are you looking for? After you identify those things, what is most important is the feeling you get when you are in the room with them. Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you can trust them? 

Q: What can people expect in their first session? 

A: Every therapist has a different structure, but generally you can expect to first review any paperwork with your therapist. Then, you might walk through the structure of therapy, what to expect, how long sessions will be. Next, you might start to get into your history, background information, and relevant information relating to your presenting issues. Last, you

will have an opportunity to ask any questions. Examples of important questions to ask might be, what approach do you take? What does that look like? What does that mean? What will we be doing? 

Final Thoughts: 

Therapy is an active process, on the part of the therapist and the client. It involves an active role. We are not “doing” something to you. Together you are on the journey actively walking the path together. It is never too late to get therapy! It can be beneficial to get it sooner rather than later, but there is always help available. 

Living Well - PHTV4 Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

How to cope during the holidays

Family drama, financial strain, lack of routine, increases in substance use, and memories that can trigger grief and trauma - the holidays are rife with opportunities for emotional distress. Establishing a coping plan is essential to navigating the stress of the holiday season with your sanity intact. Consider the strategies below: 

1. Boundary setting is the number one skill I recommend for clients navigating the holiday season - especially those with interpersonal conflict. We have a finite amount of time and emotional resources on a given day. Consider how you can set and maintain effective boundaries this year to make the most of your time while minimizing stress. Here are some examples:

   *Instead of traveling to 4 different events over two days, consider saying “no” to 1 or 2 to allow more time to reset and rest between events. 

   *If you are visiting family that tends to be emotionally tiring, consider staying at an Airbnb this year instead of with family. Staying elsewhere provides space for alone time and rejuvenation for the next day. 

   *Conversely, if you have family staying with you strive to maintain parts of your routine - this may require setting boundaries and expectations with others. Routine and space allow you to fill your emotional reservoirs - i.e. continuing your morning walk, meditation, date night, etc. 

2. Budget - according to a Dec. 8th CNBC article, the average American is planning to spend $1000 this holiday season on gifts. No doubt this spending adds additional stress for the weeks and months ahead. Set a budget for gift-giving in advance and think about how you plan to manage the increased financial stressors pragmatically and emotionally.

3. Substance use - substance use tends to increase around the holiday season. The reasons for this are clear: increased stress, more parties and extravagance, less routine and minimal work obligations, and emotional triggers surrounding the holidays from grief, trauma, and depression. If you struggle with substance use around the holidays create a plan, seek out support from loved ones, and maintain vigilance in a difficult season. 

4. Grief & Trauma - alongside warm traditions and holiday memories exist a dark, painful underbelly for many during the holidays - painful memories of lost loved ones, trauma, and familial abuse. For loss, consider how you can honor your loved one by maintaining or establishing rituals that allow you to feel connected to those you have lost. For trauma, practice skills that help you navigate triggering events or memories - journaling, mindfulness, distraction, and anxiety management skills can all come in handy here. Do not wait for triggers to appear before applying coping skills - prevention is key.

What coping skills have worked for you during the holiday season?

Let us know in the comments below!