Practicing Self-Love Around Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day as it is celebrated in modern culture is a chance to celebrate romantic love, yet it can also be a painful reminder if you’re currently single, have recently lost or ended a relationship with a romantic partner, or are processing relationship trauma. Even in a relatively healthy partnership, Valentine’s Day can be fraught with social pressures to demonstrate romantic commitment in certain ways like expensive gifts and romantic dates. It’s all too easy to feel disappointment, grief, or stress around Valentine’s Day, which is why practicing self-love and compassion are important. Here are a few therapy tips for honoring your authentic needs and values around Valentine’s Day.

What Do Your Feelings Tell You About Your Needs, Values, and Beliefs

First, let’s do a little check in: how are you feeling about the upcoming Valentine’s Day? Are you dreading it, excited about it? Annoyed by it? Stressed or anxious about it? Our feelings and expectations about holidays like Valentine’s Day are often signs of deeper issues that we need to address, from misguided beliefs to unmet needs.

For example, if you’re single and dreading the holiday, perhaps you’re struggling with what you believe your relationship status says about your worth (e.g., I’m alone because I’m unlovable). Or perhaps you’re in a relationship, but you’re feeling anxious about whether you can fulfill your partner’s expectations for a romantic evening (i.e., if I don’t come up with an extravagant gift, she’ll dump me) or the opposite (i.e., if he doesn’t make plans to celebrate with me, is it a sign that he doesn’t love me?) These fears are often signals of unmet needs or mismatched expectations about how you can express love and care for each other.

It’s important to take time to reflect on your feelings and expectations, and try to dig down to the thing beneath the thing—what are my feelings telling me about my beliefs, needs and values about this holiday?—and acknowledge those deeper issues with compassion, curiosity, and a commitment to honoring your needs.

Self-Love Practices for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day, like any holiday, comes with its share of social pressures that may have more of a negative impact than a positive one. Whether you’re single or partnered, it’s important for your mental health to practice self-love. Your relationship to yourself is the most important one you have, after all. Here are a few self-love practices that can help you stay emotionally grounded around Valentine’s Day.

• Take time to love yourself with a little self-care. Be generous and kind to yourself, in whatever way you’re able - it could be taking a solo hike, scheduling a massage, or making time to do a creative activity that you don’t usually have time for. Whatever you choose, the goal is to nurture your mental and physical well-being.

• Practice gratitude and appreciation, both for the relationships that are meaningful to you (romantic or not) and for yourself. Although we often go through our days with a fleeting sense of gratitude in the moment, we can make space to practice gratitude intentionally; for example, you could write down a list of relationships in your life and the qualities within those relationships you’re grateful for. You can also practice gratitude for yourself by engaging in a loving kindness meditation, like this one from Tara Brach.

• Set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Now is a good time to take stock of your relationships (every kind) and check in with yourself about how you want to be treated, and how you want to treat others. If things between you and another person are feeling out of sorts, follow these steps for setting healthy boundaries.

• Ask for what you need from friends, partners, or family. Similar to setting healthy boundaries, being clear about your needs with your loved ones is a way to honor yourself and improve your relationship to others at the same time. For example, if you’re feeling grief this Valentine’s Day over a loss or a breakup, be honest about your feelings and ask for support.

• Build community connections. There are many types of love to celebrate, and there are many people who need love but are not romantically partnered. Modern western culture places much more emphasis on monogamous romantic partnerships than it used to, often at the expense of communal connections. Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to lend your time and attention to community activities that build loving connection in non-romantic ways, like volunteering your time at a senior living facility, shelter for the unhoused, or a hospital ward.

Mental Health Support Around Valentine’s Day

Self-love is the work of a lifetime. Everyone struggles to be kind to themselves and improve their mental health; it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and revise the story you tell yourself about your life, your relationships, and your ability to connect with others.

At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our group of multidisciplinary therapists provide mental health support for individuals and relationships of diverse backgrounds and experiences: whether you’re single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal, or you and your partner(s) are straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous or polyamorous. We’re committed to helping you find the right therapist and strategy to strengthen your mental health, self-esteem, and relationship bonds. Book an appointment today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

What Matters More: The Therapy Method, or the Therapist?

If you’re new to therapy, you may find yourself wondering which type of therapy is right for you, and beyond that, what is more important: the therapist, or therapy method? Perhaps you’ve met with a therapist before and it didn’t go well, but you’re not ready to give up on therapy yet. The good news is that research has given us some good indicators on how to set ourselves up for success in a therapy relationship—for both therapist and client. 

What the Research Shows About Effective Therapy Experiences

According to foundational studies in psychotherapy, such as Lambert 1992, there are a few important components that contribute to therapy’s overall effectiveness for a client. 

30% : Client-Therapist Relationship – Does the client feel safe, heard, and cared for in their therapeutic relationship? This is the biggest factor in the therapist’s control toward creating a helpful outcome from your therapy experience. 

15%: Technique & Models – These are the therapist’s tools and techniques for approaching a client’s needs. There are many different modalities in therapy, a few you may have heard of: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Attachment-based Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR).

15%: Hope (a.k.a., the Placebo Effect) – This is the client’s attitude towards therapy and their hope in the process itself, but the therapist plays a role here in instilling hope for the client’s ability to grow and change.

40%: Client and Contextual Factors – This is the client’s willingness and readiness for change, but it also includes outside forces that may impact a client’s well-being, stressors, access to basic needs and medical care, as well as other factors including job changes, parenthood, etc. 

With all of this in mind, the most important elements in choosing a therapist are the quality and connection in the therapeutic relationship. Change can occur across modalities—but if you like the approach and don’t feel completely safe or understood with the therapist, you’re less likely to experience positive change. Ideally, you should feel empowered to have a quality therapeutic relationship alongside a model and technique that is effective for your needs.

Tips for Finding the Right Therapist and Method

Online searches may pull up hundreds of different options as you search for a therapist near you, and that can be very overwhelming, especially if you’re already experiencing stress in your life. If you’re stuck on how to find the right fit, here are a few tips for starting your search: 

• Think about your goals for therapy. What parts of your life, or what ways that you cope, do you hope to improve? Knowing your goals can help you pick the modality that’s the right fit for you, and build a relationship with your therapist as you work towards a shared goal.

• Explore types of therapy that may help you. You can start by asking a friend who has been to therapy, or by researching online. If you’re not sure what to search, you can start with any of the modalities mentioned above.

• Search for resources near you. Searching by specialty and location, e.g., “EFT therapists near me” or “EFT therapists in [your city]” can help narrow down your search. 

Finding the Right Therapist and Method: ECC’s Approach

At ECC, we know how overwhelming it can be to find the right therapy fit to effectively address your unique needs. We’re committed to helping every client find the right therapist and the right modality, and we’ve designed our intake system to reflect that. 

When you reach out to ECC for care, we:

1. Provide a full list of therapists that have immediate availability, along with their bios and openings. This allows you to choose the therapist that resonates with you, as opposed to a random assignment to an open therapist.

2. We allow you to set up consultations with clinicians so that you can get firsthand experience to decide if the relationship and methodology are the right fit.

3. Offer flexible payment options. We can work with your insurance provider, or provide sliding scale or self-pay options if you don’t have insurance coverage.

Our multidisciplinary staff can help you achieve your goals when you’re ready to seek care. Not sure if you’re ready to start therapy? We think the fact that you’re here reading this blog is a good sign. 😉 When you’re ready to get started, fill out our intake form here.

About ECC

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we can work with you to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit your needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Am I Doing Boundaries Right in My Relationships?

Boundaries have become a frequent topic of conversation both within therapy and outside of it: on social media, in the workplace, between family members, between friends. It’s important to create clarity in a relationship about how you want to be treated, and how you want to treat others. But it’s hard work to set healthy, effective boundaries in your relationships, especially if you grew up in a family or a culture where your needs weren’t considered, or you watched a parent or caregiver navigate life without setting healthy boundaries for themselves—with you, with another adult or family member, or maybe even their job. 

It’s especially hard to set boundaries when you’re holding misconceptions about what boundaries are in a relationship and how they work. 

The Biggest Misconception About Setting Relationship Boundaries

The biggest misconception I see in my therapy practice is the belief that boundaries are a way of controlling how other people act towards you. The truth is, you can’t control other peoples’ behavior. 

For example, if you were to tell your parent or partner, “Hey, I need you to stop talking to me that way,” chances are that they will continue to speak to you the way in which  they always have, and the outcome of hurtful behavior and hurt feelings won’t change. 

But if you were to say to them, “When you talk to me in this way, it really hurts my feelings. If you continue to talk to me that way in the future, I’m going to end the conversation and I’ll follow up with you when I’m ready to talk” — that is a real boundary that focuses on what you are able to control: your own behavior. It sets a clear expectation with the other person about how you will respond and gives them a clear choice to continue their behavior, or change. 

Boundaries are about how you respond to others, not how you control others. 

Tips for Setting Good Boundaries: 

If you want to create healthy boundaries in your relationships, there are three key steps: 

1. First, get clear with yourself on your feelings, the boundaries you need to set, and when/how to communicate them. It may help to ask yourself questions and journal your responses, or talk through it with a therapist: 

• Connect with your feelings: When they say or do [X behavior], how does it make you feel? Why?

• Choose your response: What actions (on your part) feel reasonable in response to their behavior? Are you hanging up the phone, sending a short text explaining that you’re not going to continue the conversation, or leaving their presence if you’re face-to-face? 

• Set a timeline: are you going to wait until they say or do the hurtful behavior again for you to address it, or are you going to bring it up proactively so that hopefully, it doesn’t happen again?

2. Communicate your feelings. The other person needs to know how their behavior makes you feel so they can understand why the boundary is being set.

3. Communicate your boundary. In other words, set clear expectations with the other person about what you're going to do differently in response to the hurtful behavior if it continues. Clear boundaries can best be framed as an “If / then” statement, e.g., “If you continue to speak to me this way, then I will have to end the conversation and take some space until I’m ready to talk.” 

4. Follow through with the boundary. Respond how you said you would, even if it’s painful. When we don’t follow through on our boundaries, people won’t take them seriously. 

Why is Following Through on Boundaries So Hard? 

The good and bad news about relationship boundaries is that we have the agency to change our relationships—and our lives—when we set them. It can be emotionally painful to take that step and follow through with hanging up the phone and going a period of time without contacting someone, especially someone close to you. Maybe that’s why so many of us wish boundaries were about controlling the other person’s behavior: because then we’re off the hook to make a painful choice and change the dynamic. But that mindset only leads to frustration and resentment. 

When we choose to set healthy boundaries we’re opening ourselves up to the possibility of healthy relationships in the future—not only in the relationship we’re setting this boundary for right now, but for other relationships as well. Every time we set the boundary and follow through, we’re establishing our agency and building the emotional resilience to keep choosing healthy boundaries in the future.

Do You Need Help Setting Healthy Boundaries? 

If you’re struggling to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships, you’re not alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and build the emotional strength to make meaningful change in your life. There are many different therapy methodologies that might help with boundary setting, such as relational therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Acceptance and commitment therapy, and others. 

At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. If you need help with boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

How To Recognize,Treat, and Prevent Burnout

Burnout is a reaction to prolonged or chronic stress. Burnout symptoms can be difficult to recognize when we are focused on multitasking, which is why it is important that we are checking in with ourselves on how we are feeling. Some burnout symptoms include feeling exhausted, empty, and unable to cope with daily life. When we are experiencing burnout it is very easy to feel out of tune with your emotions and feel mentally exhausted. The mental exhaustion can also show up as physical exhaustion and the feeling of always feeling tired and difficulty with sleep. Burnout can also manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, back pain, and getting sick often.

5 Tips to Prevent Burnout

1. Get in the habit of frequent emotional check-ins especially on stressful days.

2. Make sure that you are practicing self care

3. Include breaks throughout the day.

4. Prioritize sleep. 

5. Remind yourself that it is okay to reach out for support if needed.

Burnout is Treatable

• The first step to treating burnout is to be  gentle with yourself and not beat yourself up..Burnout is normal - not a moral failure.

• Remind yourself that it can help to talk to someone and get support, whether that is a friend, mental health professional, or someone else you trust.

• Make sure to allow yourself to slow down and give yourself time to recover; rest is vital to be able to treat burnout.

• Set boundaries for yourself to make sure that you are managing your time and energy in a healthy way.

Today’s Problem - Yesterday’s Survival

Imagine the first time a client enters a therapist's office, revealing years of self-medicating trauma and anxiety by way of alcohol and drugs. Shame hangs heavy in these moments, with the focus fixed solely on breaking free from dependence and addiction. Yet, as therapists, we are attuned to a deeper truth - that these problematic behaviors were once functional survival mechanisms, borne out of pain. The troublesome coping skills you are faced with today at one time served a crucial purpose.  

The coping journey from function to detriment can manifest in different ways: substance abuse, disordered eating, addictions, avoidance, people-pleasing, isolation, etc. Regardless of the coping mechanism and the pain they may be causing you today, at one point they served a purpose.

Self-compassion is essential as a starting point - you were (and are) doing the best you can to try to manage distressing emotions by whatever means necessary even if self-destructive over time. You didn’t set out to develop a maladaptive approach to life or relationships - you were trying to survive a painful experience. 

The good news is that there are other ways to attend to and manage distress outside of the coping skills you cultivated across the lifespan. We must address the underlying problem and the problematic solutions. In therapy you can uncover not only the why but also the how to approach challenges or situations in a more sustainable way that aligns with your values.