3 Tips That Can Improve Your Relationship Right Away

Relationships are connective and complex. They can sometimes hold dialectical meaning. When something like this is filled with so much nuance, we then try to find answers to make sense of it. We might turn to relationship experts, self help books, or intensive workshops. I am here to break the news that not even the experts have it all figured out. Why? Because there is no one size fits all solution.

Your relationship story is unique to you and your partner. However, the relationship is just a new chapter in our own story. We all bring our own story to a relationship. Now, imagine starting a book halfway through and not having the details of the previous chapters. That’s a big part of relationships. Getting to know your partner’s previous chapters. That requires work, time, and effort.

The good news is that it can turn into a beautifully connective and even exciting experience. I am always telling my clients that relationships are containers for growth. They force us to go back, re-read, and engage with our previous chapters. Maybe ones that we wanted to keep closed tight. However, in order to be in a relationship, we must explore those chapters. So, while I certainly don’t have all the answers. Here are 3 tips that can hopefully improve your relationship. With a note that these tips will permeate into action for each person and their relationship differently, because of your stories.

Tip #1 - Turn Towards Each Other

You can take this one literally and figuratively. Imagine your loved one sitting next to you on the couch and they let out a deep, “sigh”. That is called a bid for connection. A sigh can be a signal for stress or exhaustion. There is a story there and maybe your partner wants to talk about it. This is your moment to turn towards them on the couch and say, “what’s going on, want to talk about it?” Another example of a bid for connection is a more direct one like a wink or slap on the bum. Smile, laugh, give them a wink back and engage with their bids. This shows your partner over and over again that you see them, hear them, and want to know more.

Tip #2 - Seek to Understand

Arguments happen in relationships. This fact may make the conflict “avoiders” squirm in their seats. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. Part of getting better at conflict is tolerating the discomfort. Another part is tolerating your partner’s point of view, especially when you don’t agree with it. You don’t have to agree with it. What matters most is that your partner feels understood. There is likely a chapter in their book that you get to learn from. So seek to understand that chapter a bit more. Ask questions like, “I want to understand, can you help me understand?”, or “what do you wish I knew about how you are feeling?”

Tip #3- Create Intention

The first couple of months in a relationship is exciting. You’ve got the benefit of the honeymoon hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine) firing away. Yep, that neurochemistry is a real thing. However, over time we settle into our relationship and it begins to require a little more effort. Just like anything in life, if you move about with little thought behind your choices it starts to feel like you are going through the motions. That is why intention is everything. Make an intention to spend uninterrupted quality time with each other. Not just any type of quality time, but the quality time that means something to you as a couple. Do you love to try new foods? Pick out an adventurous recipe from a specific cuisine. Then, go to a special market that holds those high quality ingredients. Sit down and make an intention to have a thoughtful conversation while you dine your new dish. Date night aside, carve out time to make time for your relationship. Set an intention to talk about the good and hard parts of where the relationship is. Maybe make an intention to fill up your partner’s love language cup on any given day. Shower them with surprise notes if they love words of affirmation. Get creative and surprise them. A little bit goes a long way with some intention.

Want a relationship tip bonus?

Check out Dr. John Gottman’s breakdown of relational bids, The Building Blocks for Connection.

The 5 Love Languages

The five love languages originated from Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992. These languages are modalities of how we show or receive love and appreciation whether it’s towards our romantic partners, family, or friends. We as humans communicate differently and by understanding how others express love in a meaningful way, it helps us communicate and strengthen relationships by focusing on other’s needs rather than our own. Dr. Chapman developed 5 categories of love languages; Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. 

Acts of Service

These acts of service are actions performed to show you care about the other person. Examples of this can include cleaning, running an errand, or folding laundry because you know your partner doesn’t do it. These acts of service are non-verbal affirmations to your loved one. 

Gifts

Receiving gifts has been around throughout history. It's our way we show appreciation to our loved ones whether it's someone’s birthday and you get them that wallet they’ve always wanted, or Valentine’s day when people will buy cards, chocolates/candies, and flowers. It can be something simple as a note that shows you care and are thinking about that person. 

Physical Touch

Physical touch is showing affection to your loved ones. Physical touch helps reaffirm you are not alone which we may often crave when feeling lost or lonely. This can mean hugging, holding hands, cuddling, or more intimate moments such as kissing and sexual intercourse. 

Quality Time

Quality time often confuses many people as to how to define quality time. The simplest definition is when two people spend uninterrupted time together and are truly present together. This could be cooking meals together or engaging in conversation. With technology today, it’s important to put your phone away and not become distracted as this can cause your partner to feel unloved and ignored. 

Words of Affirmation 

This is the only Love Language that is based on verbal communication. Utilizing positive words and phrases to uplift your partner to compliment them is important. Usually they are able to encourage others and they hope that is reciprocated back to them. 

Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts. Chicago: Northfield Pub.

Knowing our needs

We all have needs, and to prioritize our needs is a way to a fulfilling life. Acknowledging that we have them is the first step towards figuring out what they are and how to have them met. You are not needy for requesting them to be met, nor are you selfish for placing your needs before others’. Let us explore knowing about our needs, being resourceful in meeting our needs and then, not being afraid to make mistakes.

Knowing not Preferring

When we notice a thing, we can begin to master it. Needs are something we often don’t spend time thinking or talking about. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about needs in which they expressed they “never really know what I need. I do know what I prefer.” 

Preferring something is not the same as knowing. This becomes clear when what we prefer clashes with what we need. I prefer to be with friends, but often I diminish my need for sleep. Do you know your needs? This is a broad question, so let me ask it again in two ways that I have been asking myself as of late to help inspire you to answer this question for yourself more often. What do I need emotionally to feel content? What do I need physically to feel at ease?

Resourceful, not Needy nor Selfish

When we make requests about our needs in relationships, there are two words often thrown at partners as a deflection or accusation, and those are needy and selfish. Asking for one’s needs is an important and vulnerable aspect of relationships. You are not needy for asking your partner for help in achieving a need, nor are you selfish for doing something for yourself; you are resourceful. 

I have to balance this in my own life quite often. My partner works third shift, and this comes with a few stipulations. I often need to be quiet in the afternoon after I am done working when I would rather play my guitar or watch a movie. As well, I often pack their meal for work. It is not selfish for my partner to ask me to be quiet, so that they can get the sleep they need. It is also true that my partner is not needy for asking me to make them a meal; nor is it selfish for me to make the meal I want to make. Are you being resourceful?

Needs and Mistakes

Knowing and being resourceful with needs is not easy. We often do put preferences over needs, or don’t realize that we are asking a lot of our partners and not addressing their needs. Life is learning, and to learn you must make mistakes. Some needs must be met by you and some must be met with the help of others. It is okay to make mistakes, because it means you are learning. What lessons have you learned about needs from your mistakes?

I will often make mistakes due to being too self-centered. I have asked my partner to come with me to explore fascinating intellectual topics and dragged them to listen or read things so we could talk about them. Though it is a need for me to be intellectually stimulated, it isn’t a need of my partner in the same way, and though a need, I misplaced it as a romantic-relationship need instead of a need that can be filled by a platonic-friendship.  Mistakes are made in attempts to get needs met and are a positive sign of change. 

When we know what our needs are and are resourceful in meeting our needs, we can live a more fulfilling life. In that pursuit we will make mistakes and that is a part of the journey of knowing and finding ways to be resourceful about our needs. 

For further inquiries into some of the surrounding topics in this article here are some resources for you on your journey:

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a wonderful place to start in finding not only personal needs, but needs in relationships. We have physical and emotional needs,  and both must be addressed.

MindBodyGreen breaks down Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs into easier to explore parts and how we can actualize these needs in our lives.

Melissa Orlov, writing for Psychology Today, examines nine ways to recover from mistakes in a relationship. Setting aside time for your relationship is rewarding and validating, and focusing on how you communicate can make mistakes easier to recover from (rules 3 and 5 in the article, respectively).

For those in a rut in their relationship, sometimes it isn’t that you don’t know your needs, rather it is that they have changed with time. Mark Travers, writing for Psychology Today, gives four solid ways to address this issue of needs in our relationships, while overcoming mistakes we may have made.