Why Do We Fall in Love with the Idea of Someone?

In this article:

• Why do we fall in love with the idea of someone at first?

• How to get to know someone for real in the age of online dating

• Am I idealizing my partner? How to check in with yourself

• What to do when the rose-colored glasses come off

• How to build real intimacy with your partner

• Relationship therapy for individuals and partners

If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, the experience of having rose-colored glasses (and then taking them off) might feel familiar. You fantasize about the life you might build with this other person: exciting dates and travel experiences, building a long-term partnership, perhaps buying a home and having children with them. But the longer you’re with them, the reality is different  from what you imagined. Your partner might be a little (or a lot) different than you first thought, and the truth is, so are you. 

Why do humans fall in love with the idea of someone, rather than the actual person? What function does this serve in the course of a relationship? Should we avoid doing it? How do we handle it when we start to see our partners for who they really are, and they’re different from who we expected? It turns out there are actually some very good answers for all of this.

Why Do We Fall in Love with the Idea of Someone at First? 

You might have seen a few memes about this topic floating around the internet: 

Despite what these memes might lead us to believe, falling in love with the idea of someone isn’t necessarily a personal flaw, or something we can avoid. There are a couple of reasons why falling in love with the idea of someone is a nearly universal human experience when it comes to romantic love.

First, humans are social creatures who are wired for connection. As a species, humans evolved and survived by partnering with others and procreating. Although in modern society we can meet our needs for human connection differently without necessarily choosing a romantic partner, the majority of people still choose it.

The “rose-colored glasses” effect serves an evolutionary function of drawing us in and forging a bond with the other person. It’s a protective effect; if we saw the flaws first, they would repel us, and we would never be able to build a connection with anyone.

In other words, falling in love with the idea of someone is a natural process that is nearly impossible to avoid. When we can acknowledge and accept that, we can bring more self-awareness to our relationships and move forward with mindfulness.

The other dynamic at play is that most people are nervous to be their real selves in the beginning of a relationship. You’re only seeing the parts you’re willing to show each other. As you and your partner spend more time together and start to build trust, you feel more safe to be your authentic selves, even the messy parts, and that’s when the dynamic tends to shift.

How to Get to Know Someone for Real in the Age of Online Dating

As mentioned above, the “rose-colored glasses” effect serves a purpose of forging an initial bond with a new partner and it isn’t realistic to think we can completely avoid it. There is always risk involved in getting to know someone romantically, and it may feel even more risky to get to know someone you found via an app.

Here are some tips to navigate the “getting to know you” stage of dating:

• Learn to tolerate some awkwardness. The advent of online dating has its perks; for many, it has significantly widened the pool of potential partners, creating more opportunities to find someone whose interests and values match our own, versus mere proximity. Yet with more options than ever, it has perhaps created an illusion of perfection and control. If one date is a little awkward or uncomfortable, we can always hop back on the app and find someone else, right? Try to be mindful of that instinct. Being our imperfect, human selves is essential to build real intimacy, but we might never experience it if we run back to the apps whenever we feel a little discomfort. It can take time to feel at ease with people.

• Beware the “no spark” fallacy. It’s hard to be your best, most comfortable self on a first date because each person brings expectations to it. People can surprise you, but they might need more than one two-hour conversation to open up and be their real selves. Accept that you might not immediately feel “the spark” and that it may take a few more times of interacting with someone to see all facets of them and discern whether there’s a connection there worth pursuing.

• Give it time. For many partners who find each other online, one common challenge is that there is little to no community overlap. They have no friends, classmates, or coworkers in common, and therefore have no baseline for understanding how this person interacts with others. In romantic relationships, we’re looking to track behavior over time and make a decision about whether or not this person is right for us. When there is no overlap in social circles, it takes more time to fill in this essential gap.

Am I Idealizing My Partner? How to Check In with Yourself

If you meet someone and hit it off romantically, you might be worried about whether you’re seeing them and your relationship clearly, especially if you’ve experienced betrayal with a previous partner. As mentioned above, the goal is to track behavior over time. Anyone can say anything about who they are and what they want; you need time to observe what their actions are saying. Here are a few questions to ask yourself when you’re worried about whether someone is really a good fit for you:

• What is the story I’m telling myself about their behavior? For example, if the person is not consistent about texting you back or communicating with you, does it make you question your worthiness, or whether their lack of communication means they don’t care for you as strongly as you care for them?

• Conflict is a part of building lasting intimacy; a low or no-conflict dynamic is often (but not always) a sign that partners don’t feel safe being honest with each other and expressing disagreement. If you and your partner have had low or no conflict, it’s time to ask: are you still in an idealizing phase? Are you still treating each other too carefully? Do you feel safe confronting them about an issue, if it comes up?

What To Do When the Rose-Colored Glasses Come Off

Even though the “rose-colored glasses” phase is a natural part of bonding with someone romantically, it is indeed just a phase, and eventually your perception of each other will change and the dynamic will shift, for better or for worse. You will likely have moments of “this person isn’t who I thought they were” or “this relationship isn’t what I thought it was.” This isn’t a sign that the relationship is doomed, or that either of you failed to see each other clearly. It’s important to normalize this experience and see it as an opportunity to appreciate that person for who they truly are. This process is a chance to build real, lasting intimacy with someone and forge deeper bonds, or make an informed decision that you’re not right for each other.

When conflict or disagreement arises, here are some ways to practice authenticity (both allowing yourself to be honest with them, and allowing them to be honest with you.)

• Take ownership of the story you’re telling yourself about their behavior, e.g., “you never text me back, it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of your time & attention” or “ “you always show up late to things, that makes me feel like you don’t care.”

• Give the other person space to respond honestly; it will reveal a lot about their ability to handle conflict. They may admit that they’re acting in a certain way because they don’t feel this relationship is right for them, or they might share that their behavior is a reflection of a deeper personal struggle, like an insecurity that they have. If you get the sense that they’re deflecting or denying your experience and feelings, that’s cause for concern.

Remember, the beginning of a relationship is when you’re establishing boundaries and power dynamics are being negotiated. People are often afraid of conflict in the beginning, but it’s a chance to negotiate these dynamics in good faith. Avoiding conflict is also avoiding real intimacy.

How to Build Real Intimacy with a Romantic Partner

We humans are complicated creatures. Don’t let the memes fool you; we’re all liable to fall in love with the idea of someone and have a “rose-colored glasses” phase.

Just make sure that you take ownership of your own role in the relationship:

• Your own needs, desires, and deal-breakers

• Your own growth (therapy!)

• Don’t fault the other person when they’re not able to live up to the ideal

• Don’t fault yourself for what’s actually a pretty natural process that serves a purpose

Relationship Therapy for Individuals and Partners

Building real intimacy with another person is hard work. From the expectations we bring to our relationships to the emotional wounds that we’re still trying to heal, dating and romantic partnerships can be fraught.

ECC therapists are here to help you grapple with the discomfort and uncertainty of connecting with others, learning how to form secure attachments, and build authentic relationships. At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, we support individuals in every stage of the journey, whether you’re single, happily partnered, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, or recovering from abuse or betrayal. We also support all types of identities and relationships: straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, or divorced. Together, we can help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, meaningful connections in your life. Reach out today to book a session.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Is My Partner Gaslighting Me? Here's How to Know

Is my partner gaslighting me? Chances are if you’re in a relationship that you’ve wondered this before, especially in the midst of a conflict or disagreement. Gaslighting is a term that has entered the cultural lexicon in the last decade, yet we often hear confusion from clients about whether their experiences actually meet the definition of gaslighting, or something less serious. In today’s post, we unpack this loaded term to help you discern gaslighting from other communication issues in relationships.

What is Gaslighting?

‘Gaslighting’ is a term that has been popularized in modern culture to describe insidious manipulation and psychological control to keep the victim reliant upon the perpetrator, i.e., make it harder for them to leave the relationship. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, which was later adapted into two films, Gas Light (1940) and the better-known Gaslight (1944). The story follows a young woman, Paula, whose husband Gregory, slowly manipulates her into believing that she is going insane. Whenever Gregory leaves their house, Paula notices that the gas lights on the main floor grow dim and she hears noises coming from their boarded up attic, which Gregory always insists are in her imagination. (Spoiler alert: it’s Gregory in the attic the whole time, trying to steal Paula’s family estate.) As in the play and films, the perpetrator acts in ways that are harmful to the victim, but when the victim tries to address the issue with the perpetrator, they respond in ways designed to make the victim question reality, their memory, and their sanity.

What We Get Wrong About Gaslighting

All human relationships are flawed and imperfect. There are bound to be disagreements, miscommunications, and manipulation. Often, how we show up in our adult relationships is shaped by the relationship dynamics we experienced in our families of origin: how our parents and caregivers treated us, how our parents and caregivers treated each other, etc. In moments of stress and conflict, it is common for all of us to exhibit maladaptive behaviors that were normalized in our families—even if we love and respect the other person, and even when we strive to be self-aware.

In the age of social media, concepts like gaslighting can spread in the cultural conversation in ways that are both helpful (more people being aware of abuse dynamics!) and hurtful (misinterpreting conflict with a partner out of fear of being gaslit.)

Although there are similarities, emotional invalidation and manipulation are different from gaslighting, and it’s important to take a step back when you’re in conflict with someone to discern the difference.

Manipulation vs Gaslighting: What’s the Difference

All gaslighting is manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting. The key differences between manipulation and gaslighting are power dynamic and intent (e.g., does your partner want to influence you, or do they want to control you?)

Manipulation is a common human behavior: children might lie or misconstrue facts in an attempt to influence their caregivers or earn attention, yet because of their cognitive development, and because of the power dynamic in the adult-child relationship, children aren’t capable of gaslighting or abusing adults. Similarly, adults can be manipulative without the intent to control or harm the other person, but simply because it’s a maladaptive communication style they learned in their families, or because they themselves were abused or brainwashed. They may not be fully aware that they’re doing it, or know how to communicate their needs in a healthier way. Regardless of a person’s level of self-awareness or intention, manipulation doesn’t have to be tolerated. In a healthy relationship, partners will work together to bring these behaviors out into the open and learn to accept influence from one another, i.e., be open to the other person’s ideas and opinions, reach a compromise in disagreements, and achieve greater understanding of the other.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, is fundamentally an abuse of power over another person or group of people. It can occur in all kinds of relationships, but one common factor is the power dynamic: one-on-one between parent and child, a boss and employee, or a leader and their follower(s) in religious organizations or government institutions. In romantic relationships, the power dynamic is often established through physical and/or financial power. The intent of gaslighting is to intentionally control the victim(s) by changing their perception of reality, reducing their self-confidence and trust, and making the victim reliant upon the gaslighter. Gaslighting uses emotional invalidation and manipulation as tools to gain total control over the victim.

Tactics Abusers Use to Gaslight

Relationships with gaslighters always start out positive. Your trust in them is essential; without it, they can’t control you. Many abusers can be especially effusive and generous early in the relationship to build trust and financial dependence. This is called love-bombing and it is one reason why it’s important not to beat yourself up or feel ashamed that you trusted them early on, because that was their plan.

Gaslight often happens gradually, in stages, which is another reason it can be hard to recognize. The abuser will begin to withdraw their affection and act out in hurtful ways, only to “hoover” at the first sign of their victim questioning them: they’ll shower their victim with more gifts, praise, and affection to quell any suspicion or possibility of the person leaving.

There are several abusive tactics that gaslighters use to control their victims, all with the intent to obscure truths that they don’t want the victims to recognize.

• Withholding – feigning innocence or confusion when the victim expresses hurt or anger, or asks to discuss the abuser’s behavior.

• Countering – denying the victim’s version of events (thereby making the victim question their own memory and sanity.)

• Blocking/diverting – changing or shutting down the conversation.

• Trivializing – minimizing the victim’s feelings.

• Forgetting/Denial – pretending that they don’t remember events that the victim brings up in conversation (again, with the goal of making the victim question themselves.)

Signs of Gaslighting

Because gaslighting, by design, is meant to obscure someone’s harmful intentions, it can be very difficult to discern what’s happening in the midst of it. It’s important to check in with your own feelings and behavior.

Here are some common warning signs that you are experiencing gaslighting:

• You second-guess yourself constantly and often feel confused, disoriented, or crazy.

• You apologize constantly to your partner.

• You have trouble being honest about your relationship with people you trust (friends, family, coworkers), which can manifest in a couple of ways:

  • You frequently apologize or make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

  • You frequently withhold details about your relationship so that you don’t have to apologize or make excuses.

• You feel like you can’t be honest with your partner about your feelings or things that have happened, because of how they might react.

Impacts of Gaslighting on Victims

Gaslighting can be psychologically devastating with long-lasting consequences for victims:

• Rebuilding self-trust and confidence in one’s own intuition and perception of reality can take many years

• Rebuilding trust in others and opening oneself up to new relationships can also take a long time

• In addition to the psychological impacts, there can be other consequences, such as having to rebuild financial independence if the abuser used money as a means of control.

You’re Not Alone: Therapy for Victims of Gaslighting

Realizing that you are being gaslighted by a loved one – whether it’s a romantic partner, a parent, or someone else close to you – is a very painful experience. It can also be difficult to confront it with the person, for fear that they will continue to manipulate you. The good news is that you don’t have to face it alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you work on rebuilding trust in yourself, reclaim your reality, and find a path forward.

If, in reading this post, you realized that your partner probably isn’t gaslighting you but that your communication with each other needs work, therapists can help with that too!

At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy, secure attachments. If you need support with abuse recovery, boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Practicing Self-Love Around Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day as it is celebrated in modern culture is a chance to celebrate romantic love, yet it can also be a painful reminder if you’re currently single, have recently lost or ended a relationship with a romantic partner, or are processing relationship trauma. Even in a relatively healthy partnership, Valentine’s Day can be fraught with social pressures to demonstrate romantic commitment in certain ways like expensive gifts and romantic dates. It’s all too easy to feel disappointment, grief, or stress around Valentine’s Day, which is why practicing self-love and compassion are important. Here are a few therapy tips for honoring your authentic needs and values around Valentine’s Day.

What Do Your Feelings Tell You About Your Needs, Values, and Beliefs

First, let’s do a little check in: how are you feeling about the upcoming Valentine’s Day? Are you dreading it, excited about it? Annoyed by it? Stressed or anxious about it? Our feelings and expectations about holidays like Valentine’s Day are often signs of deeper issues that we need to address, from misguided beliefs to unmet needs.

For example, if you’re single and dreading the holiday, perhaps you’re struggling with what you believe your relationship status says about your worth (e.g., I’m alone because I’m unlovable). Or perhaps you’re in a relationship, but you’re feeling anxious about whether you can fulfill your partner’s expectations for a romantic evening (i.e., if I don’t come up with an extravagant gift, she’ll dump me) or the opposite (i.e., if he doesn’t make plans to celebrate with me, is it a sign that he doesn’t love me?) These fears are often signals of unmet needs or mismatched expectations about how you can express love and care for each other.

It’s important to take time to reflect on your feelings and expectations, and try to dig down to the thing beneath the thing—what are my feelings telling me about my beliefs, needs and values about this holiday?—and acknowledge those deeper issues with compassion, curiosity, and a commitment to honoring your needs.

Self-Love Practices for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day, like any holiday, comes with its share of social pressures that may have more of a negative impact than a positive one. Whether you’re single or partnered, it’s important for your mental health to practice self-love. Your relationship to yourself is the most important one you have, after all. Here are a few self-love practices that can help you stay emotionally grounded around Valentine’s Day.

• Take time to love yourself with a little self-care. Be generous and kind to yourself, in whatever way you’re able - it could be taking a solo hike, scheduling a massage, or making time to do a creative activity that you don’t usually have time for. Whatever you choose, the goal is to nurture your mental and physical well-being.

• Practice gratitude and appreciation, both for the relationships that are meaningful to you (romantic or not) and for yourself. Although we often go through our days with a fleeting sense of gratitude in the moment, we can make space to practice gratitude intentionally; for example, you could write down a list of relationships in your life and the qualities within those relationships you’re grateful for. You can also practice gratitude for yourself by engaging in a loving kindness meditation, like this one from Tara Brach.

• Set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Now is a good time to take stock of your relationships (every kind) and check in with yourself about how you want to be treated, and how you want to treat others. If things between you and another person are feeling out of sorts, follow these steps for setting healthy boundaries.

• Ask for what you need from friends, partners, or family. Similar to setting healthy boundaries, being clear about your needs with your loved ones is a way to honor yourself and improve your relationship to others at the same time. For example, if you’re feeling grief this Valentine’s Day over a loss or a breakup, be honest about your feelings and ask for support.

• Build community connections. There are many types of love to celebrate, and there are many people who need love but are not romantically partnered. Modern western culture places much more emphasis on monogamous romantic partnerships than it used to, often at the expense of communal connections. Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to lend your time and attention to community activities that build loving connection in non-romantic ways, like volunteering your time at a senior living facility, shelter for the unhoused, or a hospital ward.

Mental Health Support Around Valentine’s Day

Self-love is the work of a lifetime. Everyone struggles to be kind to themselves and improve their mental health; it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and revise the story you tell yourself about your life, your relationships, and your ability to connect with others.

At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our group of multidisciplinary therapists provide mental health support for individuals and relationships of diverse backgrounds and experiences: whether you’re single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal, or you and your partner(s) are straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous or polyamorous. We’re committed to helping you find the right therapist and strategy to strengthen your mental health, self-esteem, and relationship bonds. Book an appointment today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Coping With Being Single on Valentine's Day

As a wave of red and pink floods our storefronts, and Valentine's Day posts from your peers begin to take over your social media feed, these can be painful reminders of what we perceive as personal deficits in our lives.

Even for those in relationships, Valentine’s Day can be a breeding ground for expectations, resentment, pressure, anger, and hurt.

Here are some reminders as potentially complicated feelings come up around February 14th.

First, there is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship. A person who is happy being single is not better or stronger than someone who wants to be in a romantic partnership (or vice versa!).

In America’s individualistic culture, there is extensive pressure to be selfish with your energy, to be happy alone, and to not need anyone to feel fulfilled. This is unrealistic! We are relational creatures who inherently long to be loved, touched, and cared for. When we deny ourselves intimacy, we starve ourselves from the potential to connect, and ultimately the love we all need to thrive. 

Second, You are your own judge, jury, and prosecutor when it comes to your romantic status.

No one in your social circle thinks about your singlehood as much as you do. The reality is, people are much too caught up in their own insecurities to think about yours. 

That being said, judgment and pressure from others affect us. Parents, siblings, and unassuming fellow party guests can be the biggest triggers to negative feelings. 

“How are you?” seems to always be followed with “Are you seeing anyone?”. People often make YOUR romantic life about themselves, saying things like “Oh, what happened to what's-their-name? I liked them.”  

You are always allowed to set a boundary when it comes to talking about your romantic life. A simple response with “I'm not interested in talking about my dating life right now.” should be the end of the discussion.

Third, Don’t underestimate the importance of platonic and familial love.

Our sex life is a fraction of who we are and what we need to feel good about ourselves. Friends and family can fulfill many, if not most, of the needs that a romantic partner can fill.

Unfortunately, in modern society, there are extensive messages received that our partner should be our best friend, lover, family member, emotional confidant, provider of encouragement and affirmation, and much more. This sustained pressure on our romantic relationships often leaves us feeling like our needs aren’t being met.

Call your friends beautiful, send them flowers, ask for a hug, words of encouragement and comfort. Go on an ice cream date, plan a trip together. Feeling connected and cared for in the ways that are accessible allow us to access more gratitude in times where all we see is what is lacking.

Take care of yourself mentally, spiritually, and emotionally during this time. You deserve to feel loved, whole, and wanted - and take it from a couples therapist… Having a partner does not always make these feelings a guarantee.

3 Tips That Can Improve Your Relationship Right Away

Relationships are connective and complex. They can sometimes hold dialectical meaning. When something like this is filled with so much nuance, we then try to find answers to make sense of it. We might turn to relationship experts, self help books, or intensive workshops. I am here to break the news that not even the experts have it all figured out. Why? Because there is no one size fits all solution.

Your relationship story is unique to you and your partner. However, the relationship is just a new chapter in our own story. We all bring our own story to a relationship. Now, imagine starting a book halfway through and not having the details of the previous chapters. That’s a big part of relationships. Getting to know your partner’s previous chapters. That requires work, time, and effort.

The good news is that it can turn into a beautifully connective and even exciting experience. I am always telling my clients that relationships are containers for growth. They force us to go back, re-read, and engage with our previous chapters. Maybe ones that we wanted to keep closed tight. However, in order to be in a relationship, we must explore those chapters. So, while I certainly don’t have all the answers. Here are 3 tips that can hopefully improve your relationship. With a note that these tips will permeate into action for each person and their relationship differently, because of your stories.

Tip #1 - Turn Towards Each Other

You can take this one literally and figuratively. Imagine your loved one sitting next to you on the couch and they let out a deep, “sigh”. That is called a bid for connection. A sigh can be a signal for stress or exhaustion. There is a story there and maybe your partner wants to talk about it. This is your moment to turn towards them on the couch and say, “what’s going on, want to talk about it?” Another example of a bid for connection is a more direct one like a wink or slap on the bum. Smile, laugh, give them a wink back and engage with their bids. This shows your partner over and over again that you see them, hear them, and want to know more.

Tip #2 - Seek to Understand

Arguments happen in relationships. This fact may make the conflict “avoiders” squirm in their seats. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. Part of getting better at conflict is tolerating the discomfort. Another part is tolerating your partner’s point of view, especially when you don’t agree with it. You don’t have to agree with it. What matters most is that your partner feels understood. There is likely a chapter in their book that you get to learn from. So seek to understand that chapter a bit more. Ask questions like, “I want to understand, can you help me understand?”, or “what do you wish I knew about how you are feeling?”

Tip #3- Create Intention

The first couple of months in a relationship is exciting. You’ve got the benefit of the honeymoon hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine) firing away. Yep, that neurochemistry is a real thing. However, over time we settle into our relationship and it begins to require a little more effort. Just like anything in life, if you move about with little thought behind your choices it starts to feel like you are going through the motions. That is why intention is everything. Make an intention to spend uninterrupted quality time with each other. Not just any type of quality time, but the quality time that means something to you as a couple. Do you love to try new foods? Pick out an adventurous recipe from a specific cuisine. Then, go to a special market that holds those high quality ingredients. Sit down and make an intention to have a thoughtful conversation while you dine your new dish. Date night aside, carve out time to make time for your relationship. Set an intention to talk about the good and hard parts of where the relationship is. Maybe make an intention to fill up your partner’s love language cup on any given day. Shower them with surprise notes if they love words of affirmation. Get creative and surprise them. A little bit goes a long way with some intention.

Want a relationship tip bonus?

Check out Dr. John Gottman’s breakdown of relational bids, The Building Blocks for Connection.