Is My Partner Gaslighting Me? Here's How to Know

Is my partner gaslighting me? Chances are if you’re in a relationship that you’ve wondered this before, especially in the midst of a conflict or disagreement. Gaslighting is a term that has entered the cultural lexicon in the last decade, yet we often hear confusion from clients about whether their experiences actually meet the definition of gaslighting, or something less serious. In today’s post, we unpack this loaded term to help you discern gaslighting from other communication issues in relationships.

What is Gaslighting?

‘Gaslighting’ is a term that has been popularized in modern culture to describe insidious manipulation and psychological control to keep the victim reliant upon the perpetrator, i.e., make it harder for them to leave the relationship. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, which was later adapted into two films, Gas Light (1940) and the better-known Gaslight (1944). The story follows a young woman, Paula, whose husband Gregory, slowly manipulates her into believing that she is going insane. Whenever Gregory leaves their house, Paula notices that the gas lights on the main floor grow dim and she hears noises coming from their boarded up attic, which Gregory always insists are in her imagination. (Spoiler alert: it’s Gregory in the attic the whole time, trying to steal Paula’s family estate.) As in the play and films, the perpetrator acts in ways that are harmful to the victim, but when the victim tries to address the issue with the perpetrator, they respond in ways designed to make the victim question reality, their memory, and their sanity.

What We Get Wrong About Gaslighting

All human relationships are flawed and imperfect. There are bound to be disagreements, miscommunications, and manipulation. Often, how we show up in our adult relationships is shaped by the relationship dynamics we experienced in our families of origin: how our parents and caregivers treated us, how our parents and caregivers treated each other, etc. In moments of stress and conflict, it is common for all of us to exhibit maladaptive behaviors that were normalized in our families—even if we love and respect the other person, and even when we strive to be self-aware.

In the age of social media, concepts like gaslighting can spread in the cultural conversation in ways that are both helpful (more people being aware of abuse dynamics!) and hurtful (misinterpreting conflict with a partner out of fear of being gaslit.)

Although there are similarities, emotional invalidation and manipulation are different from gaslighting, and it’s important to take a step back when you’re in conflict with someone to discern the difference.

Manipulation vs Gaslighting: What’s the Difference

All gaslighting is manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting. The key differences between manipulation and gaslighting are power dynamic and intent (e.g., does your partner want to influence you, or do they want to control you?)

Manipulation is a common human behavior: children might lie or misconstrue facts in an attempt to influence their caregivers or earn attention, yet because of their cognitive development, and because of the power dynamic in the adult-child relationship, children aren’t capable of gaslighting or abusing adults. Similarly, adults can be manipulative without the intent to control or harm the other person, but simply because it’s a maladaptive communication style they learned in their families, or because they themselves were abused or brainwashed. They may not be fully aware that they’re doing it, or know how to communicate their needs in a healthier way. Regardless of a person’s level of self-awareness or intention, manipulation doesn’t have to be tolerated. In a healthy relationship, partners will work together to bring these behaviors out into the open and learn to accept influence from one another, i.e., be open to the other person’s ideas and opinions, reach a compromise in disagreements, and achieve greater understanding of the other.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, is fundamentally an abuse of power over another person or group of people. It can occur in all kinds of relationships, but one common factor is the power dynamic: one-on-one between parent and child, a boss and employee, or a leader and their follower(s) in religious organizations or government institutions. In romantic relationships, the power dynamic is often established through physical and/or financial power. The intent of gaslighting is to intentionally control the victim(s) by changing their perception of reality, reducing their self-confidence and trust, and making the victim reliant upon the gaslighter. Gaslighting uses emotional invalidation and manipulation as tools to gain total control over the victim.

Tactics Abusers Use to Gaslight

Relationships with gaslighters always start out positive. Your trust in them is essential; without it, they can’t control you. Many abusers can be especially effusive and generous early in the relationship to build trust and financial dependence. This is called love-bombing and it is one reason why it’s important not to beat yourself up or feel ashamed that you trusted them early on, because that was their plan.

Gaslight often happens gradually, in stages, which is another reason it can be hard to recognize. The abuser will begin to withdraw their affection and act out in hurtful ways, only to “hoover” at the first sign of their victim questioning them: they’ll shower their victim with more gifts, praise, and affection to quell any suspicion or possibility of the person leaving.

There are several abusive tactics that gaslighters use to control their victims, all with the intent to obscure truths that they don’t want the victims to recognize.

• Withholding – feigning innocence or confusion when the victim expresses hurt or anger, or asks to discuss the abuser’s behavior.

• Countering – denying the victim’s version of events (thereby making the victim question their own memory and sanity.)

• Blocking/diverting – changing or shutting down the conversation.

• Trivializing – minimizing the victim’s feelings.

• Forgetting/Denial – pretending that they don’t remember events that the victim brings up in conversation (again, with the goal of making the victim question themselves.)

Signs of Gaslighting

Because gaslighting, by design, is meant to obscure someone’s harmful intentions, it can be very difficult to discern what’s happening in the midst of it. It’s important to check in with your own feelings and behavior.

Here are some common warning signs that you are experiencing gaslighting:

• You second-guess yourself constantly and often feel confused, disoriented, or crazy.

• You apologize constantly to your partner.

• You have trouble being honest about your relationship with people you trust (friends, family, coworkers), which can manifest in a couple of ways:

  • You frequently apologize or make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

  • You frequently withhold details about your relationship so that you don’t have to apologize or make excuses.

• You feel like you can’t be honest with your partner about your feelings or things that have happened, because of how they might react.

Impacts of Gaslighting on Victims

Gaslighting can be psychologically devastating with long-lasting consequences for victims:

• Rebuilding self-trust and confidence in one’s own intuition and perception of reality can take many years

• Rebuilding trust in others and opening oneself up to new relationships can also take a long time

• In addition to the psychological impacts, there can be other consequences, such as having to rebuild financial independence if the abuser used money as a means of control.

You’re Not Alone: Therapy for Victims of Gaslighting

Realizing that you are being gaslighted by a loved one – whether it’s a romantic partner, a parent, or someone else close to you – is a very painful experience. It can also be difficult to confront it with the person, for fear that they will continue to manipulate you. The good news is that you don’t have to face it alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you work on rebuilding trust in yourself, reclaim your reality, and find a path forward.

If, in reading this post, you realized that your partner probably isn’t gaslighting you but that your communication with each other needs work, therapists can help with that too!

At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy, secure attachments. If you need support with abuse recovery, boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

5 Therapy Tips for Connecting with Your Family This Holiday Season

With the holidays just around the corner, it’s normal to feel anxious about making plans with your family, especially if you have a history of conflict. Holidays might have been more fun when you were a kid when you could just play with your siblings and cousins, eat delicious food, and tune out the adult conversation. But now that you’re an adult with your own values and opinions, family togetherness during the holidays might feel more stressful, with lots of potential for disagreement and friction. Roast turkey with a side of resentment, anyone? 🙃

We can’t control how other people in our families act, but we have the agency to make healthier choices that help us navigate complex family dynamics. Here are five tips for connecting with family this holiday season. 

1 - Clarify your own expectations for seeing your family. Check in with yourself: what do you hope this holiday gathering will be like? How do you want to spend time together? Until we can be honest with ourselves about our expectations, we will have a hard time communicating them to others, and that’s a recipe for disappointment. We also need to be honest with ourselves about whether our expectations are an accurate reflection of who we are, and who our family members are. When we set realistic expectations, knowing that frustrating moments are likely to happen, we can make a plan for how we want to respond in the moment in ways that align with our values and needs.

2 - Make a plan for when and how to interact with family. Here’s a scenario that might feel familiar: every year for the holidays, the whole family spends the entire day at Grandma’s house. You arrive at 11AM and leave twelve hours later, stuffed with pie and big feelings about everything everyone said to each other. What if you made a different plan this year? What if you decided to spend less time there — just long enough for dinner and dessert, with a few strategic time-outs in between? Or perhaps your parents expect you to stay at their house for the holidays (with your sibling, their spouse, their rambunctious kids, plus two dogs) and that always feels like too much? Deciding to stay in a different location can give you space and a chance to decompress. Or you might decide that this year FaceTime will have to suffice because you’re not feeling up to joining the full family gathering. The bottom line is that you get to decide when and how to interact with your family, you just have to make a plan that feels right for you.

3 - Set goals and limits. You’ve checked in with yourself on expectations, and you’ve made a plan for when and how to see your family. The next important step is setting goals and limits for interacting with your loved ones. It’s important to be specific. “I want to make it through Thanksgiving dinner without engaging in an argument” is a worthy goal, but a specific goal about how you’ll respond to a specific pattern of behavior will better prepare you for following through. A strong goal might be deciding not to take your dad’s bait about a political disagreement, or redirecting the conversation when your aunts engage in diet talk during dinner. A helpful limit might be setting a planned time to leave with your partner, deciding not to drink alcohol with everyone, or planning to leave if a particular harmful pattern starts to unfold. Writing out your plans, goals, and limits can help you prepare emotionally for taking action in the moment. 

4 - Practice clear communication and boundaries. A key element of fostering healthy change in any relationship is clear communication and firm boundaries. You can do all the work of clarifying your own expectations with yourself and making plans for how you want to interact with family during the holidays, but if you never communicate any of this to your loved ones, it can cause confusion, hurt, and disappointment for both you and them. (You can read more about boundaries here.) 

Some expectations and boundaries are better communicated ahead of time, like where you’ll stay: “We’re going to stay at an Airbnb this year. I know we’re welcome at your place and we’ve always stayed with you before, but this time we’d like to give everyone a bit more room to relax and decompress. It’s not because we don’t appreciate your hospitality, it’s just better for our needs. We’ll still get plenty of quality time together.” 

Other boundaries might be best communicated in the moment, like redirecting topics of discussion: “I hear what you’re saying. Talking about diets and food restriction right now is kind of triggering for me, so can we just enjoy our meal and talk about something else? If you keep talking about it, I’ll excuse myself from the table.” And then swiftly change the subject. 

A therapist may be able to help you reflect on the harmful patterns that make family gatherings difficult and help you strategize and practice new responses so that you’re prepared and confident in the moment. 

5 - Find ways to be kind to yourself. Navigating dysfunctional family dynamics is hard work. If you grew up in a household where your needs were dismissed by your caregivers, or arguing was a precursor to abuse or rejection, speaking up for yourself can feel scary and triggering. The work of breaking harmful cycles and choosing to respond differently can be exhausting, painful, and lonely. It’s important to strategize ways to care for yourself before, during, and after, so that you don’t revert to harmful coping mechanisms or engage in self-sabotaging behavior. Here are a few self-care tips:

• Take time out if you need it. Family gatherings can be overstimulating, from the noise to the number of people and the unpredictability of how everyone will act. Give yourself a chance to hit pause on the chaos with a quiet moment alone, whether it’s a trip to the bathroom or a walk around the block with the family dog.  

• Complete the stress cycle. Your body and brain are on high alert in moments of stress, even in the context of family dysfunction. Some people try to numb the feeling with alcohol, smoking, or other maladaptive coping mechanisms, but if you want to be kind to yourself and your body, there are healthier ways to decompress and tell your body that you’re safe: physical activity like a walk or run, meditation, letting yourself cry, taking a nap, or even meeting up with a friend to see a funny movie and laugh. 

• Forgive yourself when you mess up. We can have the best intentions for acting out our values and holding our boundaries, but we will inevitably disappoint ourselves somewhere along the way. We’re human, and our loved ones are human. Every interaction is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, our families, and use that information to guide our relationships going forward. 

Need Extra Support This Holiday Season? 

If this upcoming holiday season is causing you to experience anxiety and distress, you don’t have to cope on your own. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and build the emotional strength to show up differently in your family, in ways that align with your needs and values. There are many different therapy methodologies that might help you establish healthier connections with your family, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy. At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. If you need help with boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Maybe you’re familiar with this scenario: you and your partner (or parent, sibling, or friend) are both home after a long day at work, eating dinner together, when the conversation veers off-course into an argument. It could be about family plans for the holidays, or money, or household tasks that need to get done, but the fight feels too familiar. You’ve had this same fight before, even if it was technically about a different issue, and you and your loved one have reverted to the same feelings and reactions. You feel stuck. Why would something as innocuous as a family holiday gathering or a sink full of dishes trigger such intense feelings? Why can't you seem to react differently whenever the topic comes up? Something has to change, but you don’t know how to make it happen. 

Feeling stuck in your emotions and relational patterns is common, and it’s exactly the kind of issue that Emotionally Focused Therapy is designed to help. 

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? 

Developed by Canadian Psychologist Sue Johnson in the 1980s, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapeutic approach that helps clients connect their emotions with their underlying needs, identify negative patterns, and try new ways of connecting with others. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a type of attachment-based therapy and was primarily developed for couples, but can also be an effective therapeutic approach for individuals and families.

What Makes EFT Different From Other Therapy Styles 

There are many different therapeutic approaches, even amongst our staff at ECC. Emotionally Focused Therapy is distinct from other methods in its core premise that our emotions are a signal of an unmet need or insecure attachment within a relationship. EFT is also distinct in how it addresses that unmet need or insecure attachment. Unlike Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, which focuses on changing an individual’s thought patterns, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which focuses on skill development for emotional regulation, EFT is focused on restructuring emotional patterns and bonds to others, making it particularly suited for repairing relationships (although EFT can also be effective for individuals).

Discerning Primary vs Secondary Emotions with EFT

Shame, fear, sadness, loneliness: there are just some emotions that feel too painful to name, especially if we’re in the heat of an argument with someone, or we’re in an environment where we don’t feel safe to be vulnerable, like at work. When we feel unsafe (consciously or subconsciously) to express a primary emotion like sadness or rejection, we may express a different emotion, like anger. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, clients learn to identify and distinguish these two distinct emotional experiences: 

• Primary emotions (the initial, raw reaction to a distressing situation) 

• Secondary emotions (their reactions to the primary emotion, which are often protective responses or coping mechanisms). 

Consider a couple having an argument on a sensitive topic. The primary emotion might be fear, triggered by the vulnerability of acknowledging the deeply rooted issues underneath the surface and how they might impact their attachment to one another. Perhaps one partner is thinking, “If I voice my concern about this issue, will they leave me?” and the other partner is thinking, “If I acknowledge that my partner is right, will they judge me?” To protect themselves, one partner might withdraw emotionally and refuse to talk, while the other might get angry or defensive. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy provides a structure for identifying and addressing these layers of emotions and empowers individuals to connect more deeply with their authentic feelings and foster healthier communications in their relationships. 

Identifying Attachment Styles with EFT 

In EFT, clients also learn to identify the “why” behind the emotions, sort of like peeling back the layers of an onion. The EFT process starts by helping clients identify dysfunctional behavior patterns, then identify the secondary and primary emotions that drive those behaviors, and then identify the attachment insecurities that drive the emotions. 

Attachment styles are the way we relate to others, and they are typically formed in our childhoods based on how we interacted with our primary caregivers. (You can learn more about this in our blog post about attachment styles!) When we have attachment insecurities formed by our earliest interactions with our families of origin and primary caregivers, they can show up as unhealthy patterns in our adult relationships. Attachment insecurities might look like: 

• Avoidant attachment: avoidance of emotional or physical intimacy, dismissive of others

• Anxious attachment: fear of rejection or abandonment

• Disorganized attachment: difficulty trusting others, contradictory behaviors

The EFT “Onion” of Identifying Behaviors, Feelings, and Attachment Insecurities

How it Works: What to Expect in an EFT Therapy Session

EFT is designed to be experiential, so that clients can practice identifying primary emotions and the needs and insecurities driving them, and learn to do this in their everyday interactions. Some EFT experiences are structured as a series of sessions, organized in three stages:

1. De-escalation. Therapists will help clients identify the behavior patterns, emotions, and attachment insecurities as outlined above. 

2. Restructure. With everything out in the open — behaviors, patterns, and feelings, therapists will help clients experience new ways of expressing their feelings and needs in healthier, more effective ways. This might look like practicing “scripts” for what to say to prevent or de-escalate a conflict. 

3. Integrate. With new approaches in hand, clients will practice what they’ve learned in their everyday interactions!

To move through these stages, EFT therapists might offer a number of interventions to help clients emotionally process and repair their relationships to themselves and others: 

• Reflection: Clients are encouraged to reflect on experiences and feelings with empathy for themselves and others, and to identify emotions and needs.

• Validation: Therapists acknowledge and affirm clients’ feelings and experiences. 

• Reframing: Therapists encourage clients to approach old feelings and experiences with curiosity and compassion, to reframe the meaning and be open to new strategies. 

• Re-enactment: Therapists encourage clients to re-enact important emotional experiences, with healthier behavior, i.e., naming their feelings and needs instead of acting on a secondary emotion like anger or numbness. 

An EFT therapist might start the session by asking you…

• What does a typical argument look like between you and your partner? Can you walk me through it? 

• When you feel angry or like an argument is escalating, what do you do? Do your responses or actions change if you are feeling lonely, sad, scared, etc?

• What do you think you are needing from your partner when you are engaging in a familiar negative cycle with them? 

• What does your relationship look like when you aren’t engaging in this cycle? 

The Benefits of EFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy offers many benefits, whether its for individuals, couples, or families: 

• Increased self-awareness: individuals can gain a clearer understanding of their emotional responses, unmet needs, and relational patterns to foster personal growth. 

• Improved communication and conflict resolution: EFT provides a structured approach to identifying interaction cycles and their root causes, many of which are coping mechanisms formed early in life. Especially in the context of couples and family therapy, the EFT process can help remove blame while also encouraging ownership of behavior going forward. 

• Healthier attachments: EFT not only provides a structured approach to identifying patterns, it offers a structured way of experiencing new approaches so that individuals can foster healthier connections.

Is EFT Right for Me? 

As mentioned above, Emotionally Focused Therapy can be applied in a variety of contexts, from individuals to couples and families. Here are a few signs that EFT might be right for you: 

• You often feel anxious or insecure in your relationships

• You often feel confused by your emotions, and are unsure how to express them

• You often feel misunderstood by others

• You feel angry all the time, and have trouble connecting with loved ones

• You experience frequent conflict at work

• You and your partner (or parent, sibling, or friend) are stuck in a long stalemate over the same issues and behaviors

EFT can help you uncover the root causes behind the experiences and form healthier habits for relating to others. 

EFT Therapy in Chicago: Empowered Connections Counseling

When we can learn to connect our emotions with our needs, we can begin to identify harmful patterns and establish new approaches to foster change. EFT can be a powerful therapeutic experience to help you connect meaningfully with your life. If you’re curious about whether EFT is right for you, or you’re ready to give it a try, reach out. At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. We’ll connect you with the right therapist and method to help you thrive. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.