How to cope during the holidays

Family drama, financial strain, lack of routine, increases in substance use, and memories that can trigger grief and trauma - the holidays are rife with opportunities for emotional distress. Establishing a coping plan is essential to navigating the stress of the holiday season with your sanity intact. Consider the strategies below: 

1. Boundary setting is the number one skill I recommend for clients navigating the holiday season - especially those with interpersonal conflict. We have a finite amount of time and emotional resources on a given day. Consider how you can set and maintain effective boundaries this year to make the most of your time while minimizing stress. Here are some examples:

   *Instead of traveling to 4 different events over two days, consider saying “no” to 1 or 2 to allow more time to reset and rest between events. 

   *If you are visiting family that tends to be emotionally tiring, consider staying at an Airbnb this year instead of with family. Staying elsewhere provides space for alone time and rejuvenation for the next day. 

   *Conversely, if you have family staying with you strive to maintain parts of your routine - this may require setting boundaries and expectations with others. Routine and space allow you to fill your emotional reservoirs - i.e. continuing your morning walk, meditation, date night, etc. 

2. Budget - according to a Dec. 8th CNBC article, the average American is planning to spend $1000 this holiday season on gifts. No doubt this spending adds additional stress for the weeks and months ahead. Set a budget for gift-giving in advance and think about how you plan to manage the increased financial stressors pragmatically and emotionally.

3. Substance use - substance use tends to increase around the holiday season. The reasons for this are clear: increased stress, more parties and extravagance, less routine and minimal work obligations, and emotional triggers surrounding the holidays from grief, trauma, and depression. If you struggle with substance use around the holidays create a plan, seek out support from loved ones, and maintain vigilance in a difficult season. 

4. Grief & Trauma - alongside warm traditions and holiday memories exist a dark, painful underbelly for many during the holidays - painful memories of lost loved ones, trauma, and familial abuse. For loss, consider how you can honor your loved one by maintaining or establishing rituals that allow you to feel connected to those you have lost. For trauma, practice skills that help you navigate triggering events or memories - journaling, mindfulness, distraction, and anxiety management skills can all come in handy here. Do not wait for triggers to appear before applying coping skills - prevention is key.

What coping skills have worked for you during the holiday season?

Let us know in the comments below!

On Couples: Sexism in the Relationship

Disclaimer: As a couples’ therapist I’ve had experiences of witnessing and combating sexism. As a male, I have a part in witnessing and contributing to sexism. This duality is not lost and to a degree cannot be separated. This is stated in good faith to contextualize the author. Further, this blog is written to represent hetereosexual and monogamous relationships solely in order to contextualize the limited perspective which is possible within the scope of this blog. As well, some of these expressions are not only sexism, but sometimes signs of domestic violence. The context of this blog is not to be read for signs of domestic violence, but solely sexism. If you are witnessing or a victim of domestic violence seek help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233. 

As a therapist I have the opportunity to watch and listen extensively to various configurations of human relationships. The makeup of every relationship is different and manifests in different ways, but sexism is an all too frequent occurrence in relational therapy. Three main ways in which I have witnessed sexism in relational interactions is in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing. Though not every couple demonstrates all three, I often see at least one in heterosexual couples. The aim of this blog is to be able to identify some forms of sexism when it occurs in your relationship. 

Use of Tone

Tone is a unique tool in communication. It can change the context of words so easily and be misunderstood even faster. Tone in relationship to sexism is often expressed with a deeper or aggressive way then one might usually speak. This often triggers the other to physical shrink in relation to the partner using this tone. The reason this becomes sexist is in the use of the tone, not the tones themselves, for the purpose of putting the other partner in a submissive/one down position. A way to combat this is to aim for communication to not occur using these tones. If one partner is exhibiting an aggressive or deeper tone than usual, it is a signal that communication is not constructive and to take a moment to slow things down so as to make a mindful decision about continuing to talk or ceasing to do so. 

Physical Positioning

As mentioned previously, physical positioning often is a response to tone, though not always. Often physical positioning comes in two forms; towering and aggression. Towering is when one physically positions themselves in a taller position than their partner (on rare occasions, the sexist partner will shrink, yet use a tone as a way to combat being seen as sexist), while aggression is often expressed by clenching fists/teeth, or moving to a fighting posture. The reason this becomes sexist is that it is used to dominate over the other partner and make them appear to be stronger than the other. A way to combat these behaviors of sexism is to sit down and keep a relaxed posture. This creates a more equal ground to express ourselves. When equality is broken in a relationship, it is a warning sign to take pause. 

Emotional Policing

Out of the three ways sexism may occur in a relationship, this one is often unseen by partners. As it has no physical marker usually, it is harder to pick up on. Emotional policing is when certain emotions are only allowed to be expressed by one partner and not the other on the factor of biological sex. Often this manifests as cis-females being permitted to use sadness and not express anger, and the inverse is true for cis-males. A more subtle expression of emotional policing is telling the partner how they may or may not feel or express emotions. A way to combat this sexism is by disentangling the beliefs that individuals hold around expression and feeling their emotions. All humans experience the emotional spectrum and therefore are allowed to express their emotions in a safe and constructive way. 

Sexism is often something that comes into the therapy room and lives in relationships. Though not exhaustive, I hope that this blog can help you identify sexist behaviors in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing, while giving you a starting point to address sexism in your relationship. Furthering understanding is the best way to start overcoming a problem. Below I have listed several resources to begin or continue your journey in addressing sexism in your relationship:

Articles & Blogs:

Susan Madsen writes about types of sexism in the workplace. Beginning to understand Hostile and Benevolent Sexism is not only beneficial in the workspace, but also in relationships.

Aleksandra Nasteska writes about inequalities due to sexism in Western Culture that affect relationships. Exploring ways that sexism manifests in relationships and ways to overcome the Us/Them dynamic are useful in addressing sexism in relationships.

Books:

Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (1949) is one of the influential works of Second-Wave Feminism. This philosophical writing is the blend between philosophy, personal experience and fiction to illustrate the inequalities that sexism has and does produce.

John Stuart Mill’s The Subjection of Women (1869) is one of the oldest explicit Feminist Philosophy texts. Written with his wife, then his daughter after his wife’s death. The Mills argue that sex-equality is essential for a society to be able to call itself a Good Society.

Knowing our needs

We all have needs, and to prioritize our needs is a way to a fulfilling life. Acknowledging that we have them is the first step towards figuring out what they are and how to have them met. You are not needy for requesting them to be met, nor are you selfish for placing your needs before others’. Let us explore knowing about our needs, being resourceful in meeting our needs and then, not being afraid to make mistakes.

Knowing not Preferring

When we notice a thing, we can begin to master it. Needs are something we often don’t spend time thinking or talking about. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about needs in which they expressed they “never really know what I need. I do know what I prefer.” 

Preferring something is not the same as knowing. This becomes clear when what we prefer clashes with what we need. I prefer to be with friends, but often I diminish my need for sleep. Do you know your needs? This is a broad question, so let me ask it again in two ways that I have been asking myself as of late to help inspire you to answer this question for yourself more often. What do I need emotionally to feel content? What do I need physically to feel at ease?

Resourceful, not Needy nor Selfish

When we make requests about our needs in relationships, there are two words often thrown at partners as a deflection or accusation, and those are needy and selfish. Asking for one’s needs is an important and vulnerable aspect of relationships. You are not needy for asking your partner for help in achieving a need, nor are you selfish for doing something for yourself; you are resourceful. 

I have to balance this in my own life quite often. My partner works third shift, and this comes with a few stipulations. I often need to be quiet in the afternoon after I am done working when I would rather play my guitar or watch a movie. As well, I often pack their meal for work. It is not selfish for my partner to ask me to be quiet, so that they can get the sleep they need. It is also true that my partner is not needy for asking me to make them a meal; nor is it selfish for me to make the meal I want to make. Are you being resourceful?

Needs and Mistakes

Knowing and being resourceful with needs is not easy. We often do put preferences over needs, or don’t realize that we are asking a lot of our partners and not addressing their needs. Life is learning, and to learn you must make mistakes. Some needs must be met by you and some must be met with the help of others. It is okay to make mistakes, because it means you are learning. What lessons have you learned about needs from your mistakes?

I will often make mistakes due to being too self-centered. I have asked my partner to come with me to explore fascinating intellectual topics and dragged them to listen or read things so we could talk about them. Though it is a need for me to be intellectually stimulated, it isn’t a need of my partner in the same way, and though a need, I misplaced it as a romantic-relationship need instead of a need that can be filled by a platonic-friendship.  Mistakes are made in attempts to get needs met and are a positive sign of change. 

When we know what our needs are and are resourceful in meeting our needs, we can live a more fulfilling life. In that pursuit we will make mistakes and that is a part of the journey of knowing and finding ways to be resourceful about our needs. 

For further inquiries into some of the surrounding topics in this article here are some resources for you on your journey:

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a wonderful place to start in finding not only personal needs, but needs in relationships. We have physical and emotional needs,  and both must be addressed.

MindBodyGreen breaks down Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs into easier to explore parts and how we can actualize these needs in our lives.

Melissa Orlov, writing for Psychology Today, examines nine ways to recover from mistakes in a relationship. Setting aside time for your relationship is rewarding and validating, and focusing on how you communicate can make mistakes easier to recover from (rules 3 and 5 in the article, respectively).

For those in a rut in their relationship, sometimes it isn’t that you don’t know your needs, rather it is that they have changed with time. Mark Travers, writing for Psychology Today, gives four solid ways to address this issue of needs in our relationships, while overcoming mistakes we may have made.

On Arguing: Stay in a Lane

Have you ever taken a road trip with multiple vehicles? If so, have you gotten frustrated that one person is either out of the column of drivers or going way too fast/slow? This is a moment that has happened to me on several trips and it seems inevitable that I say over the radio, “can you stay in a lane, please? Let’s arrive together.” The odd thing is I often ask myself this in couple and family therapy sessions as well. Let’s briefly unpack some of these ideas together!

Staying in a Lane

Staying in a Lane means to not change subjects abruptly when arguing. If we are discussing a problem with our partner, stay with a single subject at a time. When changing subjects remember that your partner is not in your car, rather in your column. This means you need to clearly signal to your partner that you want to change subjects and wait for that validation so that everyone is changing lanes together.

Set the Speed Limit

Set the Speed Limit means to be mindful of your tone. When you go into a conversation with a family member, remember that how you speak is just as important as what you say. When you start the conversation with a calm tone, keep this tone. If you find it hard to keep this tone, act as if you are driving. If you cannot keep your eyes open, tell your family member this and take a break.

Arriving Together

It is hard to keep a calm tone (Set the Speed Limit) when discussing serious subjects. Emotions pull us to different places, but when we stick to a serious subject at a time (Stay in a Lane), it is easier to Arrive Together. When we Arrive Together this means we have spoken our peace to mutual satisfaction. We may not agree on everything, someone may have raised their voice, and another may have deviated from the subject a bit. Arriving Together is important because it means that our conversation avoided an argument, we minded our tones and let each other know we wanted to move to a different subject. 

What I like about these ideas is that they will not only help your communication with friends and family, but they will make the next road trip more enjoyable! When we can communicate well it makes our relationships stronger, and stronger relationships are happier relationships!

Types of Grief

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

"Grief I've learned is just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."- Anonymous

As if grief weren’t complicated enough to deal with, there are a few different types of grief to be aware of. The importance of knowing these different types of grief is that you or a loved one can understand what you or they are going through to better process the grief and manage the emotions that go along with it. If you would like to get a recap on symptoms of grief, head over to the previous blog here!

Anticipatory Grief

This type of grief occurs when there is either a terminal or progressive illness that causes you to anticipate the grief that will occur when the individual passes away.

What you may experience:

• Anger

• Loss of emotional control

• Helplessness

• Loss of other things, such as dreams, future or family structures

How to help:

In situations where you may be anticipating the loss, it is important to use the time to process the loss with that person. It can be difficult to accept the fact that a loved one is going to pass away, but it gives an opportunity to spend time with them to find meaning in your relationship with that person and gain closure and peace for when they actually pass.

Complicated Grief

This type of grief lasts longer than “normal” grief (I put normal in quotes because there really is not a normal way to grieve, so use this term lightly), and may affect your daily living if you are not receiving help. If someone has an underlying mental health diagnoses such as depression or anxiety, it can also make the grief feel more intense. Someone who has depression or anxiety may have a harder time finding coping skills that are effective without additional help from a therapist.

What you may experience:

• Grief lasting a long period of time with no improvement

• Delayed grief (experiencing grief long after someone passes)

• Extreme or intense reactions to the loss (self-destruction, changes in behavior)

How to help

Since complicated grief is just how it sounds, complicated, the best route to process it would be to speak with a counselor. It may also be beneficial to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist if you feel you may have an underlying mental health condition as well.

Disenfranchised Grief

This type of grief occurs when a society, family member, friend or community invalidates the grief. This could be if the death is a suicide, overdose or something similar. This may also be if the death is someone that was not necessarily a close part of their life such as a coworker. These can be tough because although you may not be a close friend or family member, you still can feel the loss. Friends or family may wonder why you are experiencing grief, but it is important to remember that grief can manifest itself in different ways within different people. It could also be a trigger of a another time someone felt grief.

What you may experience:

• Feeling isolated

• No validation of your grief/feelings

• Feeling shameful or guilty for grieving

• Suppressing the grief

How to help

It can be helpful to find others who may have experienced that type of grief to help normalize the feelings (support groups, etc.). It may also be a good idea to talk to a counselor to find support and an outlet for your feelings of grief. Remember that everyone experiences grief differently, and just because others do not validate your grief, does not mean what you are feeling is not real.

Other types of grief

Along with the types of grief mentioned above, there are other types that may not be as common but still should be discussed.

Traumatic Grief - When a loved one dies in a traumatic and/or violent nature. This could cause nightmares, flashbacks (if witnessed), etc.

Cumulative Grief - Experiencing a loss while still grieving a different loss

Masked Grief - Experiencing grief that affects daily functioning but is not recognized by the person grieving. This person may be masking the symptoms with other behaviors (overeating, physical symptoms, self-sabotaging, etc.)

Collective Grief - Refers to grief experienced by a group. This is becoming more common with school shootings, natural disasters or if there is a death in a close knit community.

Absent grief - When the person is not showing any signs of grieving and is in denial of the loss. This might look like someone who goes about their normal life as if the person had not passed away. This person may be in complete shock and unable to recognize the loss.

There is no “right” way to process grief. However, if you notice that the grieving process is affecting your daily life and functioning, we encourage you to seek out counseling. This will help with processing the grief as well as learning how to manage the emotions that come along with it.

Types of Grief. (2017, March 28). Retrieved from https://whatsyourgrief.com/types-of-grief/