Understanding Domestic Violence

Please note, this post includes descriptions of domestic violence

which may be emotionally challenging.

Seeking out individual therapy is not only healing, but also informative. As a client, I was describing what was going on in my personal relationship with my partner as we were cohabiting. I continuously felt like I was walking on eggshells and communication with friends and family became limited. As I was describing my day to day living, my therapist stopped me and said, “do you understand you are in a domestic violence situation?” I was confused, I made sure she understood I wasn’t being physically hurt. The statistics are astonishing, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men face severe domestic violence from an intimate partner.

Growing up with bickering parents and occasional visits from the police department, I thought my situation was normal. I was stunned as my therapist described the signs of domestic violence and that the behavior I was experiencing was not normal.

Signs of DV Behavior:

• Hurtful words and threats

• Monitoring cell phones, email, etc.

• Physical aggression

• Destroying or throwing property

• Excessive jealousy

• An eagerness to move the relationship forward quickly

• Constant flattery early on

• Attempts to control your choices, relationships, and even finances

This treatment ate at me. I couldn’t sleep through the night as I never knew what I would wake up to. Not only did this affect my mental health, but my physical health also started to diminish. If I hadn’t decided to seek therapy, I would have most likely stayed where I was. Once I understood what was happening, I was able to gather the strength to take the necessary steps to remove myself from my situation. 

My therapist listened to me and did not judge me. She showed me how to look for the red flags of a potential bad relationship. I learned how to cope with the trauma. It takes time to heal from a domestic violence situation, but if you have the knowledge and tools you need to recover. You can move forward and begin to heal. There is hope. Seeking counseling with the right therapist empowers you to change your life, understand your feelings, and can build back your sense of self-worth.

RESOURCES:

• For support contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Advocates are available who can provide domestic abuse help and assist with crisis intervention, safety planning and can provide you with a local domestic abuse hotline number.

• NNEDV’s WomensLaw email hotline, https://strongheartshelpline.org  can also be utilized to obtain basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support.

•  Red Flags of Abuse - NNEDV to understand the “red flags” of abuse and to also obtain additional links for help with domestic violence.

If you are seeking a therapist, reach out to our team at info@empoweredconnectionscounseling.com or fill out our intake request form.

*The author of this blog post has been kept anonymous*

The 5 Love Languages

The five love languages originated from Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992. These languages are modalities of how we show or receive love and appreciation whether it’s towards our romantic partners, family, or friends. We as humans communicate differently and by understanding how others express love in a meaningful way, it helps us communicate and strengthen relationships by focusing on other’s needs rather than our own. Dr. Chapman developed 5 categories of love languages; Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. 

Acts of Service

These acts of service are actions performed to show you care about the other person. Examples of this can include cleaning, running an errand, or folding laundry because you know your partner doesn’t do it. These acts of service are non-verbal affirmations to your loved one. 

Gifts

Receiving gifts has been around throughout history. It's our way we show appreciation to our loved ones whether it's someone’s birthday and you get them that wallet they’ve always wanted, or Valentine’s day when people will buy cards, chocolates/candies, and flowers. It can be something simple as a note that shows you care and are thinking about that person. 

Physical Touch

Physical touch is showing affection to your loved ones. Physical touch helps reaffirm you are not alone which we may often crave when feeling lost or lonely. This can mean hugging, holding hands, cuddling, or more intimate moments such as kissing and sexual intercourse. 

Quality Time

Quality time often confuses many people as to how to define quality time. The simplest definition is when two people spend uninterrupted time together and are truly present together. This could be cooking meals together or engaging in conversation. With technology today, it’s important to put your phone away and not become distracted as this can cause your partner to feel unloved and ignored. 

Words of Affirmation 

This is the only Love Language that is based on verbal communication. Utilizing positive words and phrases to uplift your partner to compliment them is important. Usually they are able to encourage others and they hope that is reciprocated back to them. 

Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts. Chicago: Northfield Pub.

How to Support a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

Eating disorders are serious life threatening illnesses, and they do not discriminate regardless of age, race, gender identity, sexual orientation, or background. Most often you cannot infer from the outside an individual is struggling with an eating disorder. The thought that weight is the only indicator someone is struggling, can perpetuate the secrecy and shame surrounding the struggle. Once you pull back the shade around this stigma, you can then keep an eye out for the warning signs. 

Supporting a loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder can be frightening and overwhelming; however, connection and communal support are key to recovery. Here are some quick tips to consider if you want to provide care for someone struggling with an eating disorder:

Tip #1 Educate yourself and make a plan: It can be difficult to approach your loved one about their eating disorder. There can be a lot of fear and emotions involved, so it is important to feel prepared. Prepare what you want to say and how. Invest in further reading about eating disorders to gain a deeper understanding and compassion for the struggle your loved one is experiencing. Avoid suggestions, and general statements like, “you need to stop.” Map out your key main points, then find a private location and time to talk (How to help a loved one. (2017, February 26).

Tip # 2 Approach with care: The pain your loved one is experiencing can be rooted in deep shame. It is vital to approach from a neutral and loving standpoint. Be sure to use I-statements, like, “I notice you are going to the gym a lot, and I am worried about you. I want to find a way to help you” (Eating disorders: Common warning signs. (2021, June 7).

Tip #3 Don’t give up: Know that they might not initially accept your support, but do not give up. It is important to find the balance between compassion and assertiveness, as getting them the help they need is vital. Allow space for them to express their potential worries, and offer to make the first treatment phone call with them (Eating disorders: Common warning signs. (2021, June 7).

Tip #4 Separate them from their eating disorder: Your loved one is not their eating disorder, and separating the two shows it can be tackled. Find windows where they acknowledge their symptoms, and how it might impact what they want for themselves. For example, if they love the outdoors, but are feeling tired and lethargic. Use that as a chance to express how you want them to gain back their energy in order to go camping and hiking like they’ve wanted to.

Tip # 5 Find support for YOU: Being a supporter to your loved one and their eating disorder can be an emotional journey. Not only does your loved one need to know they are not alone, so do you. Find a family member support group, or seek individual therapy so you have a space to process your experiences.

Sources:

Eating disorders: Common warning signs. (2021, June 7). National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. https://anad.org/get-informed/eating-disorders-warning-signs/

How to help a loved one. (2017, February 26). National Eating Disorders Association. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers

Additional Resources:

Identity and Eating Disorders

ANAD - Eating Disorder Statistics

Eating Disorder Warning Signs

NEDA- Support Resources

What to Expect in Your First Relationship Therapy Session

Starting relationship therapy with your partner(s) and meeting your new therapist can be anxiety provoking.  What will you discuss in your first session? What will your partner(s) say? What will the therapist think? What if it's awkward? These are all normal thoughts when meeting your therapist. You are essentially inviting a stranger into your relationship!

While every therapist may have some slight differences - generally you can expect that the first session will focus on you and the therapist getting to know each other better. Sessions are approximately 55 minutes long. Your therapist will explain logistics such as intake paperwork, confidentiality, cancellation policy, and etc. This allows time for you and your partner to also ask the therapist questions as well. Questions you might ask include the therapist’s approach/style in therapy, previous experience, etc. Your therapist will also ask you questions to understand you and your partner(s) better, goals you want to achieve in therapy, and also explain the structure of sessions. Questions to expect from your therapist include being asked the history of your relationship, conflicts that arise within the relationship, strengths, etc. 

Remember- therapy is a two way street. Feel free to ask questions to your therapist to make sure you all are a good fit, you are essentially interviewing them the first few sessions. Subsequent sessions will include the therapist continuing to understand your relationship and then diving past the ‘surface’ level.  Coming to therapy is similar to dating; you want to make sure you feel heard and understood by your therapist and that you feel comfortable with them. If, after a few sessions,  you feel like you don’t “click”, let your therapist know and they can refer you to other therapists who may be a better fit. It's okay to feel uncomfortable the first few sessions, that’s normal.

How to De-escalate Conflict in your Relationship

When an argument happens with your partner, you may feel a wide range of emotions such as betrayal, anger, and disbelief. Although there are several different strategies to de-escalate, therapy may be the best option if you find yourself getting stuck in the same pattern time and again. Your therapist can teach effective de-escalation and help your relationship heal and grow. One therapeutic technique that can help is utilizing effective timeouts.

Timeouts can help you and your partner de-escalate when your emotions are running high in an argument, to a place later on where you revisit in a more calm approach. Remember these four “C’s” to maximize timeouts.

• Clues- Identify clues for when a timeout is needed - some examples include feeling unsafe, emotionally overwhelmed, or “flooded”. Another clue may be when your goal is to win the argument rather than to truly listen and understand your partner. 

• Commit- Respect your partner’s request for the timeout and wait until the established time has been agreed on to revisit the discussion. Don’t push your partner to talk about the issue prematurely or when either person is feeling emotionally charged. 

• Cool down- during the break, engage in emotional self-soothing which can include going on a walk, cooking a meal, or another method to help distract you to not focus on the conflict. 

• Come back- Take at least 1 hour, but within 24 hours revisit the conflict and have a discussion with your partner. At this point, both parties should be feeling more relaxed and this is an opportunity to talk about how to improve communication, take ownership for any faults, and reconcile with your partner. 

Further reading: https://www.hopecouples.com/resources/Strategies%20for%20Working%20with%20Couples%20with%20High%20Conflict%20in%20the%20HFA.pdf