What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Maybe you’re familiar with this scenario: you and your partner (or parent, sibling, or friend) are both home after a long day at work, eating dinner together, when the conversation veers off-course into an argument. It could be about family plans for the holidays, or money, or household tasks that need to get done, but the fight feels too familiar. You’ve had this same fight before, even if it was technically about a different issue, and you and your loved one have reverted to the same feelings and reactions. You feel stuck. Why would something as innocuous as a family holiday gathering or a sink full of dishes trigger such intense feelings? Why can't you seem to react differently whenever the topic comes up? Something has to change, but you don’t know how to make it happen. 

Feeling stuck in your emotions and relational patterns is common, and it’s exactly the kind of issue that Emotionally Focused Therapy is designed to help. 

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? 

Developed by Canadian Psychologist Sue Johnson in the 1980s, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapeutic approach that helps clients connect their emotions with their underlying needs, identify negative patterns, and try new ways of connecting with others. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a type of attachment-based therapy and was primarily developed for couples, but can also be an effective therapeutic approach for individuals and families.

What Makes EFT Different From Other Therapy Styles 

There are many different therapeutic approaches, even amongst our staff at ECC. Emotionally Focused Therapy is distinct from other methods in its core premise that our emotions are a signal of an unmet need or insecure attachment within a relationship. EFT is also distinct in how it addresses that unmet need or insecure attachment. Unlike Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, which focuses on changing an individual’s thought patterns, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which focuses on skill development for emotional regulation, EFT is focused on restructuring emotional patterns and bonds to others, making it particularly suited for repairing relationships (although EFT can also be effective for individuals).

Discerning Primary vs Secondary Emotions with EFT

Shame, fear, sadness, loneliness: there are just some emotions that feel too painful to name, especially if we’re in the heat of an argument with someone, or we’re in an environment where we don’t feel safe to be vulnerable, like at work. When we feel unsafe (consciously or subconsciously) to express a primary emotion like sadness or rejection, we may express a different emotion, like anger. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, clients learn to identify and distinguish these two distinct emotional experiences: 

• Primary emotions (the initial, raw reaction to a distressing situation) 

• Secondary emotions (their reactions to the primary emotion, which are often protective responses or coping mechanisms). 

Consider a couple having an argument on a sensitive topic. The primary emotion might be fear, triggered by the vulnerability of acknowledging the deeply rooted issues underneath the surface and how they might impact their attachment to one another. Perhaps one partner is thinking, “If I voice my concern about this issue, will they leave me?” and the other partner is thinking, “If I acknowledge that my partner is right, will they judge me?” To protect themselves, one partner might withdraw emotionally and refuse to talk, while the other might get angry or defensive. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy provides a structure for identifying and addressing these layers of emotions and empowers individuals to connect more deeply with their authentic feelings and foster healthier communications in their relationships. 

Identifying Attachment Styles with EFT 

In EFT, clients also learn to identify the “why” behind the emotions, sort of like peeling back the layers of an onion. The EFT process starts by helping clients identify dysfunctional behavior patterns, then identify the secondary and primary emotions that drive those behaviors, and then identify the attachment insecurities that drive the emotions. 

Attachment styles are the way we relate to others, and they are typically formed in our childhoods based on how we interacted with our primary caregivers. (You can learn more about this in our blog post about attachment styles!) When we have attachment insecurities formed by our earliest interactions with our families of origin and primary caregivers, they can show up as unhealthy patterns in our adult relationships. Attachment insecurities might look like: 

• Avoidant attachment: avoidance of emotional or physical intimacy, dismissive of others

• Anxious attachment: fear of rejection or abandonment

• Disorganized attachment: difficulty trusting others, contradictory behaviors

The EFT “Onion” of Identifying Behaviors, Feelings, and Attachment Insecurities

How it Works: What to Expect in an EFT Therapy Session

EFT is designed to be experiential, so that clients can practice identifying primary emotions and the needs and insecurities driving them, and learn to do this in their everyday interactions. Some EFT experiences are structured as a series of sessions, organized in three stages:

1. De-escalation. Therapists will help clients identify the behavior patterns, emotions, and attachment insecurities as outlined above. 

2. Restructure. With everything out in the open — behaviors, patterns, and feelings, therapists will help clients experience new ways of expressing their feelings and needs in healthier, more effective ways. This might look like practicing “scripts” for what to say to prevent or de-escalate a conflict. 

3. Integrate. With new approaches in hand, clients will practice what they’ve learned in their everyday interactions!

To move through these stages, EFT therapists might offer a number of interventions to help clients emotionally process and repair their relationships to themselves and others: 

• Reflection: Clients are encouraged to reflect on experiences and feelings with empathy for themselves and others, and to identify emotions and needs.

• Validation: Therapists acknowledge and affirm clients’ feelings and experiences. 

• Reframing: Therapists encourage clients to approach old feelings and experiences with curiosity and compassion, to reframe the meaning and be open to new strategies. 

• Re-enactment: Therapists encourage clients to re-enact important emotional experiences, with healthier behavior, i.e., naming their feelings and needs instead of acting on a secondary emotion like anger or numbness. 

An EFT therapist might start the session by asking you…

• What does a typical argument look like between you and your partner? Can you walk me through it? 

• When you feel angry or like an argument is escalating, what do you do? Do your responses or actions change if you are feeling lonely, sad, scared, etc?

• What do you think you are needing from your partner when you are engaging in a familiar negative cycle with them? 

• What does your relationship look like when you aren’t engaging in this cycle? 

The Benefits of EFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy offers many benefits, whether its for individuals, couples, or families: 

• Increased self-awareness: individuals can gain a clearer understanding of their emotional responses, unmet needs, and relational patterns to foster personal growth. 

• Improved communication and conflict resolution: EFT provides a structured approach to identifying interaction cycles and their root causes, many of which are coping mechanisms formed early in life. Especially in the context of couples and family therapy, the EFT process can help remove blame while also encouraging ownership of behavior going forward. 

• Healthier attachments: EFT not only provides a structured approach to identifying patterns, it offers a structured way of experiencing new approaches so that individuals can foster healthier connections.

Is EFT Right for Me? 

As mentioned above, Emotionally Focused Therapy can be applied in a variety of contexts, from individuals to couples and families. Here are a few signs that EFT might be right for you: 

• You often feel anxious or insecure in your relationships

• You often feel confused by your emotions, and are unsure how to express them

• You often feel misunderstood by others

• You feel angry all the time, and have trouble connecting with loved ones

• You experience frequent conflict at work

• You and your partner (or parent, sibling, or friend) are stuck in a long stalemate over the same issues and behaviors

EFT can help you uncover the root causes behind the experiences and form healthier habits for relating to others. 

EFT Therapy in Chicago: Empowered Connections Counseling

When we can learn to connect our emotions with our needs, we can begin to identify harmful patterns and establish new approaches to foster change. EFT can be a powerful therapeutic experience to help you connect meaningfully with your life. If you’re curious about whether EFT is right for you, or you’re ready to give it a try, reach out. At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. We’ll connect you with the right therapist and method to help you thrive. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Am I Doing Boundaries Right in My Relationships?

Boundaries have become a frequent topic of conversation both within therapy and outside of it: on social media, in the workplace, between family members, between friends. It’s important to create clarity in a relationship about how you want to be treated, and how you want to treat others. But it’s hard work to set healthy, effective boundaries in your relationships, especially if you grew up in a family or a culture where your needs weren’t considered, or you watched a parent or caregiver navigate life without setting healthy boundaries for themselves—with you, with another adult or family member, or maybe even their job. 

It’s especially hard to set boundaries when you’re holding misconceptions about what boundaries are in a relationship and how they work. 

The Biggest Misconception About Setting Relationship Boundaries

The biggest misconception I see in my therapy practice is the belief that boundaries are a way of controlling how other people act towards you. The truth is, you can’t control other peoples’ behavior. 

For example, if you were to tell your parent or partner, “Hey, I need you to stop talking to me that way,” chances are that they will continue to speak to you the way in which  they always have, and the outcome of hurtful behavior and hurt feelings won’t change. 

But if you were to say to them, “When you talk to me in this way, it really hurts my feelings. If you continue to talk to me that way in the future, I’m going to end the conversation and I’ll follow up with you when I’m ready to talk” — that is a real boundary that focuses on what you are able to control: your own behavior. It sets a clear expectation with the other person about how you will respond and gives them a clear choice to continue their behavior, or change. 

Boundaries are about how you respond to others, not how you control others. 

Tips for Setting Good Boundaries: 

If you want to create healthy boundaries in your relationships, there are three key steps: 

1. First, get clear with yourself on your feelings, the boundaries you need to set, and when/how to communicate them. It may help to ask yourself questions and journal your responses, or talk through it with a therapist: 

• Connect with your feelings: When they say or do [X behavior], how does it make you feel? Why?

• Choose your response: What actions (on your part) feel reasonable in response to their behavior? Are you hanging up the phone, sending a short text explaining that you’re not going to continue the conversation, or leaving their presence if you’re face-to-face? 

• Set a timeline: are you going to wait until they say or do the hurtful behavior again for you to address it, or are you going to bring it up proactively so that hopefully, it doesn’t happen again?

2. Communicate your feelings. The other person needs to know how their behavior makes you feel so they can understand why the boundary is being set.

3. Communicate your boundary. In other words, set clear expectations with the other person about what you're going to do differently in response to the hurtful behavior if it continues. Clear boundaries can best be framed as an “If / then” statement, e.g., “If you continue to speak to me this way, then I will have to end the conversation and take some space until I’m ready to talk.” 

4. Follow through with the boundary. Respond how you said you would, even if it’s painful. When we don’t follow through on our boundaries, people won’t take them seriously. 

Why is Following Through on Boundaries So Hard? 

The good and bad news about relationship boundaries is that we have the agency to change our relationships—and our lives—when we set them. It can be emotionally painful to take that step and follow through with hanging up the phone and going a period of time without contacting someone, especially someone close to you. Maybe that’s why so many of us wish boundaries were about controlling the other person’s behavior: because then we’re off the hook to make a painful choice and change the dynamic. But that mindset only leads to frustration and resentment. 

When we choose to set healthy boundaries we’re opening ourselves up to the possibility of healthy relationships in the future—not only in the relationship we’re setting this boundary for right now, but for other relationships as well. Every time we set the boundary and follow through, we’re establishing our agency and building the emotional resilience to keep choosing healthy boundaries in the future.

Do You Need Help Setting Healthy Boundaries? 

If you’re struggling to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships, you’re not alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and build the emotional strength to make meaningful change in your life. There are many different therapy methodologies that might help with boundary setting, such as relational therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Acceptance and commitment therapy, and others. 

At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. If you need help with boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Today’s Problem - Yesterday’s Survival

Imagine the first time a client enters a therapist's office, revealing years of self-medicating trauma and anxiety by way of alcohol and drugs. Shame hangs heavy in these moments, with the focus fixed solely on breaking free from dependence and addiction. Yet, as therapists, we are attuned to a deeper truth - that these problematic behaviors were once functional survival mechanisms, borne out of pain. The troublesome coping skills you are faced with today at one time served a crucial purpose.  

The coping journey from function to detriment can manifest in different ways: substance abuse, disordered eating, addictions, avoidance, people-pleasing, isolation, etc. Regardless of the coping mechanism and the pain they may be causing you today, at one point they served a purpose.

Self-compassion is essential as a starting point - you were (and are) doing the best you can to try to manage distressing emotions by whatever means necessary even if self-destructive over time. You didn’t set out to develop a maladaptive approach to life or relationships - you were trying to survive a painful experience. 

The good news is that there are other ways to attend to and manage distress outside of the coping skills you cultivated across the lifespan. We must address the underlying problem and the problematic solutions. In therapy you can uncover not only the why but also the how to approach challenges or situations in a more sustainable way that aligns with your values.

Building and Repairing Trust in a Parent-Child Relationship

Recently, in the heart of a heated conversation, my child admitted to me: “I don’t trust you.”   

Ouch.  

But also “WHAT? HOW? WHY NOT?!”  After all, not only did I give them life, but I do everything in my power to make their life possible, the kid doesn’t even know half the stuff I do for them.  

The lack of trust, not only made me mad, but more importantly hurt my feelings.

The hurt often muffles other feelings, so I needed to put it aside if I was going to understand what my child was really trying to tell me.  I NEED my kid to trust me,  I worry who they will go to with all the voices in their life.  TRUST.

One evening, after my child had a fit of anger, the stomping, the slamming of doors and the yelling, all of which I reacted to, we were finally talking calmly under the cover of darkness right before they fell asleep:  “Mom, when you got mad at me tonight, that is why I don’t trust you. I don’t know how you are going to react to me when I am upset.”

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what this means.  I did not see my reaction to their fit of rage as “getting mad”, but I did react. It is my own feelings in which I am reacting, and my child cannot predict how I will feel and therefore, cannot trust.  

I am starting to do a better job with just being in the moment, being in the pain of the moment with my child.  What they are feeling – I have no idea.  Much like when we are feeling, we often cannot explain what it is or why we feel it.  As grown-ups, most of us have learned to outwardly control our rages, but we often feel them inside.   

Our children need anchors – by reacting – I move the anchor.  If I can stay steady in the storm of their feelings, if they can know, and predict, my steady reaction, the anchor does its job, and we can be caught in any passing storm–but remain safe.   

When I am steady, they can be whomever they need to be at that moment.  When they can safely be themselves, they learn to steady their own boat. 

How can you be an anchor?  

1. Just listen, do not react, beyond a head nod for affirmation.  No matter how wild the storm, know it is going to pass.  

2. Let time work its magic.  Time heals and distracts.  Leave space for your child to process on their own.  They will talk to you when ready.

3. Trust–you may not ever know specifically what caused the storm, but know the storm was real for your child.  

Speaking With Your Child About Their Pronouns - A Therapist's Perspective

“Being transgender [or non-binary] is not just a medical transition; it’s discovering who you are, living your life authentically, loving yourself, and spreading that love towards other people and accepting one another no matter the difference.” — Jazz Jennings

It wasn’t too long ago when my child said to me, “Mom, did you know that some parents do not accept their pronouns?” 

Yes. Yes, I did know some people’s parents did not accept their pronouns.

But I have a hard time explaining why.  

That doesn’t mean my child’s pronouns have been easy for me to understand, or get right.  In some spaces, I still refer to my child as “she” – because it is easier.  Easier for whom?  A question for a different day.  

First, I can only try to address why some parents do not accept their child’s pronouns.  There is an easy explanation – it isn’t grammatically correct.  Then the reasoning gets more complicated: “It defies science.” “There is no such thing.” “It’s just a phase.” “We were made boys or girls.” “Society will make your life harder.” “What else will “they/them” lead to?” The list of excuses is endless.    

Before I was a therapist, I was an English teacher for over two decades. My own child was more nervous of my English background when they told me: “Mom, I think you are going to be upset with me . . . my pronouns are not grammatically correct.” 

I am proud of both of the above anecdotes, each suggesting a broader world in which I allowed my child to exist–at least for a bit – it never occurred to them that I would not accept their place on the gender spectrum and for a while, they believed the whole world was open.  

And yet even with that ease for my child, they suffer.  Trans kids suffer over a body that defies their vision of themselves, they suffer over gender roles at school, on teams, a constant barrage of asking: which bathroom should they go to? What clothes can they wear? They do not fit typical expectations, they suffer the language telling them they are something to make laws against. They suffer in ways we simply cannot even envision, because we are not non-binary, we are not queer, we are not capable of knowing or understanding their experience.   

They suffer.  

The statistics for queer children who preform self harm and contemplate suicide are three times the rates of typical kids.  Three times.  And yet we know the one factor which allows for queer kids to bring those numbers to the same rate as typical kids is familial acceptance.  

Maybe we aren’t meant to understand. I know we aren’t meant to judge.  

Mom and dad, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, all caregivers, I know you love your queer children. Protect them.  Accept them.  Love them.