Healing From Heartbreak

The holidays are commonly a peak time for relationship endings. There are many reasons why that might be. Maybe you are examining the relationship from the past year. Maybe you see the commitment in spending the holiday together. Whatever the reason is, if you are hurting from a break up right now (no matter the season), we know how difficult it is.

If you chose to end it, you didn't want it to happen, or it was mutual- it all still hurts. There is simply no way around the pain that comes from separating from a person you felt close to. Romantic relational loss is grief in its own form. The pain can feel acute, especially in the beginning. This can make it difficult to know how to move forward.

First, let go of your timeline. Try to remember that how you get through it is more important than how quickly you get through it. It is a time to invite in some reflection. I hope you can use these tips as a guide, not a manual, to navigate the how in your heartbreak.

Honor self care: Support yourself in gentle ways. Surround yourself with those who you feel safe with, who will lend an ear to what you are feeling. Create a playlist that will speak to your emotions. Write down all your messy thoughts and feelings in a journal. Find some time to create a list of nourishing self care rituals.

Examine what you learned: Relationships are containers for growth. They allow us to get to know ourselves deeper. What are the things you learned about yourself in that partnership? What did you learn about what you need? What about non-negotiables? What were the ineffective ways you communicated? What were your defense mechanisms? What were you protecting yourself from? What do you need to forgive yourself and the other person for?

Allow the emotions: Remember that emotions are not permanent. If you find yourself ruminating, this could be a sign of emotional avoidance. It is okay, this is common. Talk to a therapist about the function of these thoughts. What purpose are they serving? What role are they playing? What is the feeling behind this thought? The loss of a relationship can also cause past attachment wounds to resurface. If you’ve experienced forms of neglect, abandonment, isolation, or mis-attunement in your life. Then you may be faced with some painful emotions that are paired with painful memories. That is normal, and is an invitation for processing. Explore ways you can feel safe when processing these emotions.

Let go of communication: This is one of the most important steps, and yes this also includes access to social media. When you stop all forms of communication with your ex-partner you are giving yourself the space to heal. Sometimes it can feel easier to hold on, then to let go. If you are having difficulty, be gentle with yourself. Ask yourself, what is difficult about letting go of communication? What are you afraid of if you let go? What feels easier about holding on?

A final important note- they call it a “heartbreak” for a reason. Experiencing loss in this form impacts our neurobiology. Cortisol peaks during a breakup, and those addictive honeymoon hormones that are present at the start. Well, they plummet at the end. Our brains can experience a sense of withdrawal as a result.

This can also be a reason for the lack of sleep, loss of appetite, or overall physiological discomfort. It can feel like your heart is actually breaking. What you are going through is normal, and always remember you are not alone. We have a wonderful team who can help you process your heart break. Reach out to our intake coordinators to find a therapist who can support you.

Additional Resources:

How To Fix a Broken Heart: Guy Winch - TedTalk

Heartbreak: There is a scientific reason why they feel so rotten

Understanding Domestic Violence

Please note, this post includes descriptions of domestic violence

which may be emotionally challenging.

Seeking out individual therapy is not only healing, but also informative. As a client, I was describing what was going on in my personal relationship with my partner as we were cohabiting. I continuously felt like I was walking on eggshells and communication with friends and family became limited. As I was describing my day to day living, my therapist stopped me and said, “do you understand you are in a domestic violence situation?” I was confused, I made sure she understood I wasn’t being physically hurt. The statistics are astonishing, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men face severe domestic violence from an intimate partner.

Growing up with bickering parents and occasional visits from the police department, I thought my situation was normal. I was stunned as my therapist described the signs of domestic violence and that the behavior I was experiencing was not normal.

Signs of DV Behavior:

• Hurtful words and threats

• Monitoring cell phones, email, etc.

• Physical aggression

• Destroying or throwing property

• Excessive jealousy

• An eagerness to move the relationship forward quickly

• Constant flattery early on

• Attempts to control your choices, relationships, and even finances

This treatment ate at me. I couldn’t sleep through the night as I never knew what I would wake up to. Not only did this affect my mental health, but my physical health also started to diminish. If I hadn’t decided to seek therapy, I would have most likely stayed where I was. Once I understood what was happening, I was able to gather the strength to take the necessary steps to remove myself from my situation. 

My therapist listened to me and did not judge me. She showed me how to look for the red flags of a potential bad relationship. I learned how to cope with the trauma. It takes time to heal from a domestic violence situation, but if you have the knowledge and tools you need to recover. You can move forward and begin to heal. There is hope. Seeking counseling with the right therapist empowers you to change your life, understand your feelings, and can build back your sense of self-worth.

RESOURCES:

• For support contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Advocates are available who can provide domestic abuse help and assist with crisis intervention, safety planning and can provide you with a local domestic abuse hotline number.

• NNEDV’s WomensLaw email hotline, https://strongheartshelpline.org  can also be utilized to obtain basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support.

•  Red Flags of Abuse - NNEDV to understand the “red flags” of abuse and to also obtain additional links for help with domestic violence.

If you are seeking a therapist, reach out to our team at info@empoweredconnectionscounseling.com or fill out our intake request form.

*The author of this blog post has been kept anonymous*

Meta-Emotions: Having Feelings about your Feelings

Picture This

Two friends Paul and Marty are out for a coffee catching up about life and work. At some point near the end of their catch up, Marty mentions a recent promotion - a promotion Paul himself had been vying for as well (unbeknownst to Marty). This sparked immediate jealousy in Paul. Slowly after his initial glimmer of envy, Paul quickly began to become angry toward himself for feeling jealous, which spirals him into self-shame and deeper despair. He thinks to himself, ”how can I be feeling this way? I am such a “bad friend”.”

Do you envision this moment and think to yourself, “wow I can relate”? Yep, us too! We refer to this scenario as an example of meta-emotions or having emotions about our emotions.

Let’s Break this Down

Paul’s initial emotion of jealousy -> led him to react to that emotion with another emotion -> leaving Paul angry at himself for feeling jealous.

Another common example is panic, which is often the outcome of anxiety, about anxiety. Associated symptoms of panic ensues -> you begin to notice your symptoms setting in -> therefore causing more anxiety over your panic. 

Meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to - making matters worse. We know, it can feel like a vicious cycle.

So What Do You do?

First identify what is happening. Simply pausing to name the experience creates awareness and opportunity to intervene. Insight is power. Meta-emotions can be tricky and deceptive - name it. 

Second, find acceptance and compassion towards the initial feeling. While you may not always agree with your emotional experience, it is here with you no matter how hard you try to change it. This practice allows that first emotion to flow through more quickly. Emotional acceptance meditation expert Tara Brach offers this statement, “I consent to this feeling being here with me”.

I imagine Paul would be able to more effectively move through his jealousy with less shame and turmoil through a compassionate journey of acceptance toward his jealousy. We believe you can too. A final suggestion, take the time to explore any meta experiences to gain awareness and prepare for the next time they come back around. Check out these reflective questions to help guide you!

Reflective questions:

What meta-emotional cycles do you find in your life?

How do you know you are experiencing a meta-emotional cycle? What does that look like?What feels hard about that emotion? Is there an origin story there?

What has helped you to manage this experience?

Mapping out Therapy - An Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

Have questions about what to expect when coming to therapy? What types of therapy are there? How to know if a therapist is a good fit? Empowered Connections Counseling Founder, Danielle Zawadzki, LMFT sat down with Palos Heights’ (PHTV4) Living Well program to discuss the ins and outs of therapy. Below is a brief summary of her interview, and be sure to check out the full length interview with more in depth insights at the link below. 

Q: What are the different types of therapy out there? 

A: If you were to see a therapist once a week that would be considered outpatient, and this can be in the context of individual therapy, relational therapy, family therapy, or group therapy. Individual therapy is for people of all ages, couple or relationship therapy would typically be with you and your partner(s), family therapy is with all members of a family or certain members of the family, and group therapy is usually a person joining a group of people who are working on a similar topic or goal. 

Q: What types of presenting issues bring people into therapy, whether individual, relationship, or family? 

A: On the individual level there are a wide range of topics including anxiety, depression, eating issues, substance use, life transitions, interpersonal support, etc. For relationships you might find people coming in for conflict involving destructive arguments, infidelity, divorce or separation, and even premarital counseling. For family therapy presenting topics might include conflict, life transition like an adult child returning home, or even a young child struggling with behavioral issues. 

Q: How do you find a therapist and how do you know if they are a good fit? A: You can start by searching for a therapist in a few ways. One way is by asking close friends or family for a word of mouth referral, doing a google search in your area by inserting your zip code, or using Psychology Today. 

As far as whether or not they are a good fit, it is best to consider a few things first. Do you have a preference of the therapist’s gender? What level of experience or specialties are you looking for? After you identify those things, what is most important is the feeling you get when you are in the room with them. Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you can trust them? 

Q: What can people expect in their first session? 

A: Every therapist has a different structure, but generally you can expect to first review any paperwork with your therapist. Then, you might walk through the structure of therapy, what to expect, how long sessions will be. Next, you might start to get into your history, background information, and relevant information relating to your presenting issues. Last, you

will have an opportunity to ask any questions. Examples of important questions to ask might be, what approach do you take? What does that look like? What does that mean? What will we be doing? 

Final Thoughts: 

Therapy is an active process, on the part of the therapist and the client. It involves an active role. We are not “doing” something to you. Together you are on the journey actively walking the path together. It is never too late to get therapy! It can be beneficial to get it sooner rather than later, but there is always help available. 

Living Well - PHTV4 Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

5 Quick Ways to Manage Anxiety

Anxiety gets the best of us from time-to-time. In this blog post you will find five quick practical ways to manage anxiety, some takeaways to plan ahead, and other tips you can implement when you feel like the anxiety is building up.

Engage Your Senses

Often anxiety will build into sweeping thoughts and an intense emotional experience. Using the sense of touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing allows you to escape your internal experience by using your external experience to get lost in the moment.

Breathe with Mantra

If we can remember back to the nightmare that was gym class, telling ourselves as we were running laps, “just one more. I can do this!” while controlling your asthmatic breathing, we can use the same concept with anxiety. When we focus on a concept, we can force it into existence. Calm words, breed calm thoughts. Calm thoughts, breed calm experiences. 

Schedule and Follow

A lot of anxiety could be eliminated if we scheduled our day in a predictable way, to understand what emotions we can prepare for. Not just our work obligations and the exciting new restaurant we are going to on the weekend, but the boring things like laundry, and necessities like cooking, grocery shopping, seeing friends, and cleaning your home. This allows us to anticipate the future and be able to plan accordingly. 

What You Eat Matters

The old saying is true, when you eat well, you feel well. When we eat healthier foods, we feel better and we can better control our anxiety, instead of our anxiety controlling us. Eating more fruits and vegetables, while lowering our sugar and carbohydrates will help you with anxiety.

 Exercise

When we move during exercise serotonin is increased, which is a natural anti-anxiety neuro-chemical. Taking a morning walk and talking to a friend can help make exercise more enjoyable than a dreaded activity. 

Further Resources:

Podcast – Huberman Lab: How Food and Nutrient Control Our Moods. Dr. Andrew Huberman is an associate professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, Department of Neurobiology.

Blog – Men’s Health: Eat These Food to Beat Anxiety  

Drew Ramsey, MD gives several food that can help reduce anxiety.

Book – Chatter: The Voice in Our head, Why It Matters, and Hot to Harness It

National Bestseller and Conscious mind expert Dr. Ethan Kross’ book on helping calm the inner voice.