Coping With Being Single on Valentine's Day

As a wave of red and pink floods our storefronts, and Valentine's Day posts from your peers begin to take over your social media feed, these can be painful reminders of what we perceive as personal deficits in our lives.

Even for those in relationships, Valentine’s Day can be a breeding ground for expectations, resentment, pressure, anger, and hurt.

Here are some reminders as potentially complicated feelings come up around February 14th.

First, there is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship. A person who is happy being single is not better or stronger than someone who wants to be in a romantic partnership (or vice versa!).

In America’s individualistic culture, there is extensive pressure to be selfish with your energy, to be happy alone, and to not need anyone to feel fulfilled. This is unrealistic! We are relational creatures who inherently long to be loved, touched, and cared for. When we deny ourselves intimacy, we starve ourselves from the potential to connect, and ultimately the love we all need to thrive. 

Second, You are your own judge, jury, and prosecutor when it comes to your romantic status.

No one in your social circle thinks about your singlehood as much as you do. The reality is, people are much too caught up in their own insecurities to think about yours. 

That being said, judgment and pressure from others affect us. Parents, siblings, and unassuming fellow party guests can be the biggest triggers to negative feelings. 

“How are you?” seems to always be followed with “Are you seeing anyone?”. People often make YOUR romantic life about themselves, saying things like “Oh, what happened to what's-their-name? I liked them.”  

You are always allowed to set a boundary when it comes to talking about your romantic life. A simple response with “I'm not interested in talking about my dating life right now.” should be the end of the discussion.

Third, Don’t underestimate the importance of platonic and familial love.

Our sex life is a fraction of who we are and what we need to feel good about ourselves. Friends and family can fulfill many, if not most, of the needs that a romantic partner can fill.

Unfortunately, in modern society, there are extensive messages received that our partner should be our best friend, lover, family member, emotional confidant, provider of encouragement and affirmation, and much more. This sustained pressure on our romantic relationships often leaves us feeling like our needs aren’t being met.

Call your friends beautiful, send them flowers, ask for a hug, words of encouragement and comfort. Go on an ice cream date, plan a trip together. Feeling connected and cared for in the ways that are accessible allow us to access more gratitude in times where all we see is what is lacking.

Take care of yourself mentally, spiritually, and emotionally during this time. You deserve to feel loved, whole, and wanted - and take it from a couples therapist… Having a partner does not always make these feelings a guarantee.

Building a Secure Attachment in Your Relationships

You might know about attachment styles from books, mental health experts, or the therapist on Instagram that you follow. If it is new to you, then here is a little background. Attachment theory focuses on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships between people. This includes, but is not limited to, friendships, romantic relationships, polyamorous relationships, and even working relationships.

The theory was founded by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby and Ainsworth believed that our attachment style was formed based on the responsiveness of the adults around us in our early experiences. There are four different attachment styles; secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. If you want to know more about each style, we encourage you to check out this blog post, Attachment Styles & Their Roles in Relationships from The Attachment Project.

We all embody levels of each attachment style depending on the situation and relationship, but we typically have a more dominant style. What is key is knowing how your dominant way of relating to others shows up. What thoughts do you have about relationships, vulnerability, interdependence? What are your relational triggers and core fears? What do you do when you experience these triggers?

Gaining insight on yourself in this way can feel overwhelming at first. However, the benefit of attachment is that our neurological pathways are malleable. Meaning your dominant attachment can shift. There is no shame in what exists for you when you relate to others. We all have our own stories that make us who we are. However, working toward a sense of security in ourselves and our relationships can help us in leading more authentic, connected lives. Read on for how you can start to build a secure attachment. 

Talk to a therapist: exploring with a therapist the nature of your attachment orientation is key. Explore your relationship history. What is your earliest memory of feeling reassured, comforted, empathically understood? What were your caretakers’ attitudes toward emotional vulnerability? (i.e. weakness, sign of lack of self-reliance, a healthy part of development, an opportunity for connection) Did you seek support? Who did you turn to? Explore your core attachment fears and needs. Do you have a fear of abandonment or fear of being controlled? Take time to examine that.

Start with yourself: Continuing outside of therapy, exploring your own emotional world is key when establishing secure bonds. Practice being alone and sit with what that feels like. Journal to explore your emotions, and practice breathing exercises that will support you in moments of dysregulation. When you have a better sense of yourself, then you can better communicate your feelings and needs.

Create rituals: when working to establish security in your relationships. Find intentional ways to create rituals with those people. Whether it is a romantic partner, friend, family member, or coworker. Send your friend texts letting them know what they mean to you, or express gratitude for your friendship weekly. If it is your romantic partner, create coming and going rituals. When you leave for the day give them a kiss and a hug. When you get home ask them how their day was and give your full presence. If it is a work friend, schedule time to have lunch dates with them each week, and share what you admire about their work ethic. A little bit can go a long way!

Practice ATTUNEMENT: Use the acronym ATTUNE to practice attunement. Bring in awareness of your own feelings or your partner’s. Turn toward them or express to them what you are feeling. Tolerate your difficult emotions, as well as theirs with a deep breath. Try to seek to understand what they are experiencing. Practice non-judgmental listening and keep the focus on them. Lastly, empathize with them. Find ways you can relate to what they are feeling.

As social creatures we thrive on connection, and desire a strong sense of belonging. Attachment wounds from early experiences can stay with us and show up in our adult relationships. It can be an emotional, painful process un-packing that, but with the support of a therapist there is hope.

Schedule an appointment at Empowered Connections Counseling

Book Recommendations: 

Attached By, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Polysecure By, Jessica Fern

The Power of Attachment By, Dr. Diane Poole Heller

Healing From Heartbreak

The holidays are commonly a peak time for relationship endings. There are many reasons why that might be. Maybe you are examining the relationship from the past year. Maybe you see the commitment in spending the holiday together. Whatever the reason is, if you are hurting from a break up right now (no matter the season), we know how difficult it is.

If you chose to end it, you didn't want it to happen, or it was mutual- it all still hurts. There is simply no way around the pain that comes from separating from a person you felt close to. Romantic relational loss is grief in its own form. The pain can feel acute, especially in the beginning. This can make it difficult to know how to move forward.

First, let go of your timeline. Try to remember that how you get through it is more important than how quickly you get through it. It is a time to invite in some reflection. I hope you can use these tips as a guide, not a manual, to navigate the how in your heartbreak.

Honor self care: Support yourself in gentle ways. Surround yourself with those who you feel safe with, who will lend an ear to what you are feeling. Create a playlist that will speak to your emotions. Write down all your messy thoughts and feelings in a journal. Find some time to create a list of nourishing self care rituals.

Examine what you learned: Relationships are containers for growth. They allow us to get to know ourselves deeper. What are the things you learned about yourself in that partnership? What did you learn about what you need? What about non-negotiables? What were the ineffective ways you communicated? What were your defense mechanisms? What were you protecting yourself from? What do you need to forgive yourself and the other person for?

Allow the emotions: Remember that emotions are not permanent. If you find yourself ruminating, this could be a sign of emotional avoidance. It is okay, this is common. Talk to a therapist about the function of these thoughts. What purpose are they serving? What role are they playing? What is the feeling behind this thought? The loss of a relationship can also cause past attachment wounds to resurface. If you’ve experienced forms of neglect, abandonment, isolation, or mis-attunement in your life. Then you may be faced with some painful emotions that are paired with painful memories. That is normal, and is an invitation for processing. Explore ways you can feel safe when processing these emotions.

Let go of communication: This is one of the most important steps, and yes this also includes access to social media. When you stop all forms of communication with your ex-partner you are giving yourself the space to heal. Sometimes it can feel easier to hold on, then to let go. If you are having difficulty, be gentle with yourself. Ask yourself, what is difficult about letting go of communication? What are you afraid of if you let go? What feels easier about holding on?

A final important note- they call it a “heartbreak” for a reason. Experiencing loss in this form impacts our neurobiology. Cortisol peaks during a breakup, and those addictive honeymoon hormones that are present at the start. Well, they plummet at the end. Our brains can experience a sense of withdrawal as a result.

This can also be a reason for the lack of sleep, loss of appetite, or overall physiological discomfort. It can feel like your heart is actually breaking. What you are going through is normal, and always remember you are not alone. We have a wonderful team who can help you process your heart break. Reach out to our intake coordinators to find a therapist who can support you.

Additional Resources:

How To Fix a Broken Heart: Guy Winch - TedTalk

Heartbreak: There is a scientific reason why they feel so rotten

Understanding Domestic Violence

Please note, this post includes descriptions of domestic violence

which may be emotionally challenging.

Seeking out individual therapy is not only healing, but also informative. As a client, I was describing what was going on in my personal relationship with my partner as we were cohabiting. I continuously felt like I was walking on eggshells and communication with friends and family became limited. As I was describing my day to day living, my therapist stopped me and said, “do you understand you are in a domestic violence situation?” I was confused, I made sure she understood I wasn’t being physically hurt. The statistics are astonishing, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men face severe domestic violence from an intimate partner.

Growing up with bickering parents and occasional visits from the police department, I thought my situation was normal. I was stunned as my therapist described the signs of domestic violence and that the behavior I was experiencing was not normal.

Signs of DV Behavior:

• Hurtful words and threats

• Monitoring cell phones, email, etc.

• Physical aggression

• Destroying or throwing property

• Excessive jealousy

• An eagerness to move the relationship forward quickly

• Constant flattery early on

• Attempts to control your choices, relationships, and even finances

This treatment ate at me. I couldn’t sleep through the night as I never knew what I would wake up to. Not only did this affect my mental health, but my physical health also started to diminish. If I hadn’t decided to seek therapy, I would have most likely stayed where I was. Once I understood what was happening, I was able to gather the strength to take the necessary steps to remove myself from my situation. 

My therapist listened to me and did not judge me. She showed me how to look for the red flags of a potential bad relationship. I learned how to cope with the trauma. It takes time to heal from a domestic violence situation, but if you have the knowledge and tools you need to recover. You can move forward and begin to heal. There is hope. Seeking counseling with the right therapist empowers you to change your life, understand your feelings, and can build back your sense of self-worth.

RESOURCES:

• For support contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Advocates are available who can provide domestic abuse help and assist with crisis intervention, safety planning and can provide you with a local domestic abuse hotline number.

• NNEDV’s WomensLaw email hotline, https://strongheartshelpline.org  can also be utilized to obtain basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support.

•  Red Flags of Abuse - NNEDV to understand the “red flags” of abuse and to also obtain additional links for help with domestic violence.

If you are seeking a therapist, reach out to our team at info@empoweredconnectionscounseling.com or fill out our intake request form.

*The author of this blog post has been kept anonymous*

Meta-Emotions: Having Feelings about your Feelings

Picture This

Two friends Paul and Marty are out for a coffee catching up about life and work. At some point near the end of their catch up, Marty mentions a recent promotion - a promotion Paul himself had been vying for as well (unbeknownst to Marty). This sparked immediate jealousy in Paul. Slowly after his initial glimmer of envy, Paul quickly began to become angry toward himself for feeling jealous, which spirals him into self-shame and deeper despair. He thinks to himself, ”how can I be feeling this way? I am such a “bad friend”.”

Do you envision this moment and think to yourself, “wow I can relate”? Yep, us too! We refer to this scenario as an example of meta-emotions or having emotions about our emotions.

Let’s Break this Down

Paul’s initial emotion of jealousy -> led him to react to that emotion with another emotion -> leaving Paul angry at himself for feeling jealous.

Another common example is panic, which is often the outcome of anxiety, about anxiety. Associated symptoms of panic ensues -> you begin to notice your symptoms setting in -> therefore causing more anxiety over your panic. 

Meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to - making matters worse. We know, it can feel like a vicious cycle.

So What Do You do?

First identify what is happening. Simply pausing to name the experience creates awareness and opportunity to intervene. Insight is power. Meta-emotions can be tricky and deceptive - name it. 

Second, find acceptance and compassion towards the initial feeling. While you may not always agree with your emotional experience, it is here with you no matter how hard you try to change it. This practice allows that first emotion to flow through more quickly. Emotional acceptance meditation expert Tara Brach offers this statement, “I consent to this feeling being here with me”.

I imagine Paul would be able to more effectively move through his jealousy with less shame and turmoil through a compassionate journey of acceptance toward his jealousy. We believe you can too. A final suggestion, take the time to explore any meta experiences to gain awareness and prepare for the next time they come back around. Check out these reflective questions to help guide you!

Reflective questions:

What meta-emotional cycles do you find in your life?

How do you know you are experiencing a meta-emotional cycle? What does that look like?What feels hard about that emotion? Is there an origin story there?

What has helped you to manage this experience?