Knowing our needs

We all have needs, and to prioritize our needs is a way to a fulfilling life. Acknowledging that we have them is the first step towards figuring out what they are and how to have them met. You are not needy for requesting them to be met, nor are you selfish for placing your needs before others’. Let us explore knowing about our needs, being resourceful in meeting our needs and then, not being afraid to make mistakes.

Knowing not Preferring

When we notice a thing, we can begin to master it. Needs are something we often don’t spend time thinking or talking about. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about needs in which they expressed they “never really know what I need. I do know what I prefer.” 

Preferring something is not the same as knowing. This becomes clear when what we prefer clashes with what we need. I prefer to be with friends, but often I diminish my need for sleep. Do you know your needs? This is a broad question, so let me ask it again in two ways that I have been asking myself as of late to help inspire you to answer this question for yourself more often. What do I need emotionally to feel content? What do I need physically to feel at ease?

Resourceful, not Needy nor Selfish

When we make requests about our needs in relationships, there are two words often thrown at partners as a deflection or accusation, and those are needy and selfish. Asking for one’s needs is an important and vulnerable aspect of relationships. You are not needy for asking your partner for help in achieving a need, nor are you selfish for doing something for yourself; you are resourceful. 

I have to balance this in my own life quite often. My partner works third shift, and this comes with a few stipulations. I often need to be quiet in the afternoon after I am done working when I would rather play my guitar or watch a movie. As well, I often pack their meal for work. It is not selfish for my partner to ask me to be quiet, so that they can get the sleep they need. It is also true that my partner is not needy for asking me to make them a meal; nor is it selfish for me to make the meal I want to make. Are you being resourceful?

Needs and Mistakes

Knowing and being resourceful with needs is not easy. We often do put preferences over needs, or don’t realize that we are asking a lot of our partners and not addressing their needs. Life is learning, and to learn you must make mistakes. Some needs must be met by you and some must be met with the help of others. It is okay to make mistakes, because it means you are learning. What lessons have you learned about needs from your mistakes?

I will often make mistakes due to being too self-centered. I have asked my partner to come with me to explore fascinating intellectual topics and dragged them to listen or read things so we could talk about them. Though it is a need for me to be intellectually stimulated, it isn’t a need of my partner in the same way, and though a need, I misplaced it as a romantic-relationship need instead of a need that can be filled by a platonic-friendship.  Mistakes are made in attempts to get needs met and are a positive sign of change. 

When we know what our needs are and are resourceful in meeting our needs, we can live a more fulfilling life. In that pursuit we will make mistakes and that is a part of the journey of knowing and finding ways to be resourceful about our needs. 

For further inquiries into some of the surrounding topics in this article here are some resources for you on your journey:

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a wonderful place to start in finding not only personal needs, but needs in relationships. We have physical and emotional needs,  and both must be addressed.

MindBodyGreen breaks down Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs into easier to explore parts and how we can actualize these needs in our lives.

Melissa Orlov, writing for Psychology Today, examines nine ways to recover from mistakes in a relationship. Setting aside time for your relationship is rewarding and validating, and focusing on how you communicate can make mistakes easier to recover from (rules 3 and 5 in the article, respectively).

For those in a rut in their relationship, sometimes it isn’t that you don’t know your needs, rather it is that they have changed with time. Mark Travers, writing for Psychology Today, gives four solid ways to address this issue of needs in our relationships, while overcoming mistakes we may have made.

On Arguing: Stay in a Lane

Have you ever taken a road trip with multiple vehicles? If so, have you gotten frustrated that one person is either out of the column of drivers or going way too fast/slow? This is a moment that has happened to me on several trips and it seems inevitable that I say over the radio, “can you stay in a lane, please? Let’s arrive together.” The odd thing is I often ask myself this in couple and family therapy sessions as well. Let’s briefly unpack some of these ideas together!

Staying in a Lane

Staying in a Lane means to not change subjects abruptly when arguing. If we are discussing a problem with our partner, stay with a single subject at a time. When changing subjects remember that your partner is not in your car, rather in your column. This means you need to clearly signal to your partner that you want to change subjects and wait for that validation so that everyone is changing lanes together.

Set the Speed Limit

Set the Speed Limit means to be mindful of your tone. When you go into a conversation with a family member, remember that how you speak is just as important as what you say. When you start the conversation with a calm tone, keep this tone. If you find it hard to keep this tone, act as if you are driving. If you cannot keep your eyes open, tell your family member this and take a break.

Arriving Together

It is hard to keep a calm tone (Set the Speed Limit) when discussing serious subjects. Emotions pull us to different places, but when we stick to a serious subject at a time (Stay in a Lane), it is easier to Arrive Together. When we Arrive Together this means we have spoken our peace to mutual satisfaction. We may not agree on everything, someone may have raised their voice, and another may have deviated from the subject a bit. Arriving Together is important because it means that our conversation avoided an argument, we minded our tones and let each other know we wanted to move to a different subject. 

What I like about these ideas is that they will not only help your communication with friends and family, but they will make the next road trip more enjoyable! When we can communicate well it makes our relationships stronger, and stronger relationships are happier relationships!

Types of Grief

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

"Grief I've learned is just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."- Anonymous

As if grief weren’t complicated enough to deal with, there are a few different types of grief to be aware of. The importance of knowing these different types of grief is that you or a loved one can understand what you or they are going through to better process the grief and manage the emotions that go along with it. If you would like to get a recap on symptoms of grief, head over to the previous blog here!

Anticipatory Grief

This type of grief occurs when there is either a terminal or progressive illness that causes you to anticipate the grief that will occur when the individual passes away.

What you may experience:

• Anger

• Loss of emotional control

• Helplessness

• Loss of other things, such as dreams, future or family structures

How to help:

In situations where you may be anticipating the loss, it is important to use the time to process the loss with that person. It can be difficult to accept the fact that a loved one is going to pass away, but it gives an opportunity to spend time with them to find meaning in your relationship with that person and gain closure and peace for when they actually pass.

Complicated Grief

This type of grief lasts longer than “normal” grief (I put normal in quotes because there really is not a normal way to grieve, so use this term lightly), and may affect your daily living if you are not receiving help. If someone has an underlying mental health diagnoses such as depression or anxiety, it can also make the grief feel more intense. Someone who has depression or anxiety may have a harder time finding coping skills that are effective without additional help from a therapist.

What you may experience:

• Grief lasting a long period of time with no improvement

• Delayed grief (experiencing grief long after someone passes)

• Extreme or intense reactions to the loss (self-destruction, changes in behavior)

How to help

Since complicated grief is just how it sounds, complicated, the best route to process it would be to speak with a counselor. It may also be beneficial to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist if you feel you may have an underlying mental health condition as well.

Disenfranchised Grief

This type of grief occurs when a society, family member, friend or community invalidates the grief. This could be if the death is a suicide, overdose or something similar. This may also be if the death is someone that was not necessarily a close part of their life such as a coworker. These can be tough because although you may not be a close friend or family member, you still can feel the loss. Friends or family may wonder why you are experiencing grief, but it is important to remember that grief can manifest itself in different ways within different people. It could also be a trigger of a another time someone felt grief.

What you may experience:

• Feeling isolated

• No validation of your grief/feelings

• Feeling shameful or guilty for grieving

• Suppressing the grief

How to help

It can be helpful to find others who may have experienced that type of grief to help normalize the feelings (support groups, etc.). It may also be a good idea to talk to a counselor to find support and an outlet for your feelings of grief. Remember that everyone experiences grief differently, and just because others do not validate your grief, does not mean what you are feeling is not real.

Other types of grief

Along with the types of grief mentioned above, there are other types that may not be as common but still should be discussed.

Traumatic Grief - When a loved one dies in a traumatic and/or violent nature. This could cause nightmares, flashbacks (if witnessed), etc.

Cumulative Grief - Experiencing a loss while still grieving a different loss

Masked Grief - Experiencing grief that affects daily functioning but is not recognized by the person grieving. This person may be masking the symptoms with other behaviors (overeating, physical symptoms, self-sabotaging, etc.)

Collective Grief - Refers to grief experienced by a group. This is becoming more common with school shootings, natural disasters or if there is a death in a close knit community.

Absent grief - When the person is not showing any signs of grieving and is in denial of the loss. This might look like someone who goes about their normal life as if the person had not passed away. This person may be in complete shock and unable to recognize the loss.

There is no “right” way to process grief. However, if you notice that the grieving process is affecting your daily life and functioning, we encourage you to seek out counseling. This will help with processing the grief as well as learning how to manage the emotions that come along with it.

Types of Grief. (2017, March 28). Retrieved from https://whatsyourgrief.com/types-of-grief/

Understanding Grief: Symptoms and Ways to Cope

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

Everyone experiences grief at some point in their lives. This can be through the death of a close loved one, or through other losses such as the loss of a job, the loss of a pet, or even the loss of a lifelong dream or goal. When a loss occurs, there are many different emotions someone can experience. Reactions can range from crying and sadness, to anger and disbelief. The difficult part about experiencing a loss is that there is not a one-stop-shop solution. Grief is not linear. There is not a specific set of things you can do to make it better, and what works for one person may not work for another.

The first part of this series is going to be covering the symptoms of grief as well as a few ways to cope. It is important to be able to identify these symptoms when you may be grieving yourself, or when someone you know may be grieving. By identifying the symptoms, you can begin the healing process, or help guide someone going through it.

There are many different symptoms that can manifest when someone is grieving. They can be separated into feelings, cognitions, physical symptoms and behaviors, and many of them are listed below. (Freeman, 2005; Worden, 2005). 

-Feelings:

- Sadness

- Numbness

- Anger

- Guilt

- Anxiety

-Cognitions:

- Obsessive Thinking

- Intrusive Thoughts

-Physical Symptoms:

- Tight Chest

- Lack of Energy

- Muscle Weakness

- Dry Mouth

-Behaviors:

- Sleep Issues

- Changes in Appetite

- Social Withdrawal

- Absent Mindedness

Many of these symptoms are very normal when it comes to the grieving process. However, one thing to be aware of are symptoms of depression versus grief. There are some similarities between the two but they are also very different experiences, and if left untreated, depression can become very serious. Below are some symptoms of major depression:

- Worthlessness

- Exaggerated guilt

- Suicidal thoughts

- Low self-esteem

- Powerlessness

- Helplessness

- Agitation

- Loss of interest in pleasurable activities

- Exaggerated fatigue

 Coping with Grief

 As mentioned earlier, grief is not linear. This is very important to remember because someone’s grieving process may take a few weeks, while others may take a few years. It is essential to be sensitive to someone who is grieving and to not force them through the grieving process. Below are a few strategies that may help when going through the process of grief (Note: many of these reference death; however, as we have stated loss can take many different forms).

 -Talk about the death. Many people deny the death which can cause isolation and may make it more difficult to accept the death and move on with life.

-Experience and accept feelings. It is important to remember that feelings of sadness, anger, numbness, etc. are all normal. In order to process the loss you must accept these feelings and try to experience them.

-Prioritize Self-Care. Many people neglect themselves while grieving. There is a lot happening and it can be distracting. Make sure you focus on your eating habits, exercise and sleep. Try Mindful Meditation to help as well. Apps such as “calm” or “headspace” can help with this.

-Accept support and help from others. It can be easy to feel like a burden to people when you are grieving, but the people around you are there for you to lean on. Surround yourself with your support people and accept the help they offer.

-Remember your loved ones in a positive light. It can be difficult to think about the positives in a time where everything seems so negative. Celebrate the life of the deceased and remember them in ways that make you feel good. Sometimes it can help to memorialize them in ways such as planting a tree, creating a memory book or advocating for a certain charity that is in their name.

 If you or someone you know is experiencing grief and is having a difficult time, please seek out professional help from a mental health counselor.

Sources:

Freeman, S (2005). Grief and Loss. Understanding the Journey. Belmont, CA: Thompson Brooks/ Cole

Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one. (n.d.). Retrieved from   

        https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/grief

Schwartz, A., LCSW, PhD. (n.d.). The Difference Between Grief and Depression, The DSM V. Retrieved

      from https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/the-difference-between-grief-and-depression-the-dsm-v/

Worden, J.W. (2005). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: Handbook for Mental Practitioners (3rd ed.).

      New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company