Knowing our needs

We all have needs, and to prioritize our needs is a way to a fulfilling life. Acknowledging that we have them is the first step towards figuring out what they are and how to have them met. You are not needy for requesting them to be met, nor are you selfish for placing your needs before others’. Let us explore knowing about our needs, being resourceful in meeting our needs and then, not being afraid to make mistakes.

Knowing not Preferring

When we notice a thing, we can begin to master it. Needs are something we often don’t spend time thinking or talking about. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about needs in which they expressed they “never really know what I need. I do know what I prefer.” 

Preferring something is not the same as knowing. This becomes clear when what we prefer clashes with what we need. I prefer to be with friends, but often I diminish my need for sleep. Do you know your needs? This is a broad question, so let me ask it again in two ways that I have been asking myself as of late to help inspire you to answer this question for yourself more often. What do I need emotionally to feel content? What do I need physically to feel at ease?

Resourceful, not Needy nor Selfish

When we make requests about our needs in relationships, there are two words often thrown at partners as a deflection or accusation, and those are needy and selfish. Asking for one’s needs is an important and vulnerable aspect of relationships. You are not needy for asking your partner for help in achieving a need, nor are you selfish for doing something for yourself; you are resourceful. 

I have to balance this in my own life quite often. My partner works third shift, and this comes with a few stipulations. I often need to be quiet in the afternoon after I am done working when I would rather play my guitar or watch a movie. As well, I often pack their meal for work. It is not selfish for my partner to ask me to be quiet, so that they can get the sleep they need. It is also true that my partner is not needy for asking me to make them a meal; nor is it selfish for me to make the meal I want to make. Are you being resourceful?

Needs and Mistakes

Knowing and being resourceful with needs is not easy. We often do put preferences over needs, or don’t realize that we are asking a lot of our partners and not addressing their needs. Life is learning, and to learn you must make mistakes. Some needs must be met by you and some must be met with the help of others. It is okay to make mistakes, because it means you are learning. What lessons have you learned about needs from your mistakes?

I will often make mistakes due to being too self-centered. I have asked my partner to come with me to explore fascinating intellectual topics and dragged them to listen or read things so we could talk about them. Though it is a need for me to be intellectually stimulated, it isn’t a need of my partner in the same way, and though a need, I misplaced it as a romantic-relationship need instead of a need that can be filled by a platonic-friendship.  Mistakes are made in attempts to get needs met and are a positive sign of change. 

When we know what our needs are and are resourceful in meeting our needs, we can live a more fulfilling life. In that pursuit we will make mistakes and that is a part of the journey of knowing and finding ways to be resourceful about our needs. 

For further inquiries into some of the surrounding topics in this article here are some resources for you on your journey:

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a wonderful place to start in finding not only personal needs, but needs in relationships. We have physical and emotional needs,  and both must be addressed.

MindBodyGreen breaks down Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs into easier to explore parts and how we can actualize these needs in our lives.

Melissa Orlov, writing for Psychology Today, examines nine ways to recover from mistakes in a relationship. Setting aside time for your relationship is rewarding and validating, and focusing on how you communicate can make mistakes easier to recover from (rules 3 and 5 in the article, respectively).

For those in a rut in their relationship, sometimes it isn’t that you don’t know your needs, rather it is that they have changed with time. Mark Travers, writing for Psychology Today, gives four solid ways to address this issue of needs in our relationships, while overcoming mistakes we may have made.

GIVE to Yourself

Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s (DBT) GIVE is a powerful therapeutic tool I find myself returning to over and over again in my work with clients, particularly in strengthening interpersonal communication skills. Recently, when preparing for a session, I was thinking of new ways to treat negative self-talk; realizing there is great potential in applying GIVE not only to communication with others, but also toward one’s self!  Today I would like to introduce you to Marsha Linehan’s GIVE and how it can be used for positive self-talk.

What GIVEs?

GIVE stand for Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner. Gentle can mean many things, I often tend towards tender or non-judging in my approach. Interested means to be listening, if you are listening you can summarize what the speaker said and they would agree with it. Validate means to acknowledge what is being said, this does not mean agreeance. Easy Manner means light-hearted, at ease or humorous.

How can I GIVE to myself?

When I talk with strangers or friends I use GIVE as a guideline to monitor if it is a healthy conversation. The same holds true with my self-talk. If I cannot be gentle with myself, I must be hurt. It’s important that I talk to myself gently if I wish to feel heard, much like I require of myself and those I associate with. If my internal dialogue is abrasive and rapid (cutting myself off) - it is time to implement a coping skill to center myself so that I can fully listen to myself. If conflicting parts of me cannot acknowledge that I have differing roles   that can conflict (being a therapist is different than that of a brother, son or partner) then it is no wonder that I am hurting. Even in ambivalence I have to create space to acknowledge  inner conflicting ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I admit that Easy Manner is an odd and deeply personal approach when it comes to self-talk. I am not particularly humorous, but I can be at ease. My role as a therapist should be at ease with my role as a son, even though they conflict from time to time. GIVE is a great way to support healthy internal communication, which can lead to improvements in other aspects of life including emotional well-being, interpersonal communication, and self-esteem.

What do I do when GIVE doesn’t work?

This is where coping skills come in. What can you do that will ground  yourself so that you can practice GIVE? Use your creativity! You know yourself best. For some inspiration here are a few ways I have seen clients successfully ground themselves in this situation: (1) Just breathe. Find an easy rhythm that keeps your attention on your breathing. (2) Music. Let the tone or lyrics speak to you in a positive way to balance the negativity. (3) Reach out to a close friend, or family member, and talk about mutual interests that you enjoy. Once you feel relaxed, centered, and grounded try to focus on one of the principles of GIVE and see how you feel on the second try. 

Self-talk is one of the hardest parts about communication. If you are trying to communicate with others and it is difficult, you can take a break. When it comes to yourself, you can never quite leave yourself. This is where using GIVE can help, because it is about respecting you, and all your parts, when you use it for self-talk.

--

Linehan, M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. The Guilford Press.

Creating a Routine with Adolescents during COVID-19

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

In the midst of the current Pandemic, there is uncertainty, transitioning and anxiety. Maybe you are now working from home, and maybe your spouse or partner is also working from home. This is a tough transition in itself. Maybe your adolescents are ALSO E-Learning at home. At this point, you may have lost your mind. And you are the only one in that boat! Say it with me….. “this too shall pass.” But when? How? What will we do until then? I am going to break down some techniques for you and your family in order to help ease some of the cabin fever, getting on each other’s nerves and overall stress of everyone trying to be productive while at home. 

Create a Schedule or Routine

As I am sure you know by now, your normal routine is out the window at this point. It’s okay- we can get it back on track. Try and keep a routine or schedule as close to the normal one as possible. This means waking up at a decent time- this does not have to be the same exact time, but as close to that as possible. Try to keep it within an hour of when your adolescent would normally wake up for school. Create a list of things they normally would need to do before school (this may be modified since it won’t be exactly the same). Develop a list of expectations, for example: brush your teeth, take a shower, eat breakfast. Teens need structure even if they fight you on it. It helps them to develop a routine and could help in the future when they need to do this on their own. 

Make sure they have lunch at a normal lunch time- and end the “school day” at a similar time they normally would- unless they finish everything earlier. After their schoolwork is done, make sure there is still a focus on the routine. Once they finish everything, make sure there is time for dinner, any nighttime routine, and a bedtime (again, as close to the normal routine as possible).  

Set Breaks 

It can be more difficult for a teen to be doing schoolwork at home. They are not used to sitting for that long in one place. Remember, at school they are taking time to get to school, going from classroom to classroom, and having small breaks throughout the day. Figure out when the best time to have breaks are. It would be helpful to have a schedule such as doing work for 25 minutes- then having a 5-minute break. Do this 4 times and then have a 30-minute break (This is called the Pomodoro Technique). They need to be up and moving during these breaks too, not just sitting on their phones. 

Boundaries and Limits on Games/Social Media

This is a big one- this should not be a free-for-all with unlimited use of technology. Just remember, the more lenient you are during this time, the harder it will be to get back to normalcy when this is all over. Make sure there are clear boundaries with technology. Try to stick to how it normally is when they get home from school. If they are typically allowed one hour of video games after school- keep that consistent or at least close. If they are doing well in their routine and staying on track, feel free to provide positive reinforcement by giving them some extra time. 

Plan Activities with Them, not for Them

We all are feeling this- people are BORED. When you have a teen in the house it becomes a distant memory of them wanting to participate in family activities. It is important to make sure they are not just isolating in their rooms all day. Create a rule that works with your family, something along the lines of, for every hour you are in your room you must come out for ten minutes. They don’t have to interact with people, but they need to get out of their room for that time. Ask them what they would like to do as a family. A lot of times teens don’t want to do something with the family just because their parent came up with the idea- it is important for them to feel like they had a part in planning something. Ask them, “I want you to pick one thing we can do in the house as a family this week.” Tell them each person in the family gets to pick an activity for the rest to do. If you come up with something like a puzzle, ask them what kind they would like. It’s all about a sense of control here- they just want to feel more like they were heard, versus forced to do something. 

Have Designated Spaces

This is important for the adult and the teen. With everyone doing work at home, it’s important to have your own spaces and make it consistent. Just like I would tell an adult to not do their work from their bed (it causes loose boundaries for work/life balance), tell the same to your teen. Homework should be done in an area that promotes learning and creates the least amount of distractions. Each person can have their own area, if possible, so there isn’t a sense of crowdedness. 

Most Importantly- Stay Calm and Breathe

This is something most people never thought they would need to prepare for. Say it with me... “you are not alone, and you are doing the best that you can!” It’s okay if things aren’t perfect, we are all learning and adapting. Just as you are feeling, your teens are also feeling anxious, bored, and stuck. This is something you can relate to them on. Ask them how they are doing, are they managing everything okay? Are they able to keep up with the schoolwork or do they need help? It’s good to just check in with them because they are also in a huge transition. They can’t see their friends or go to school to have a break from home. This is also a loss for them. Talk about it as a family and figure out what you’re feeling and how you can make the most out of this time. 

It’s important to check in with yourself and those around you during this unprecedented time. If you are looking to connect with a mental health counselor at this time, please do not hesitate to contact us at Empowered Connections Counseling. You will find all of our information on our website at www.empoweredconnectionscounseling.com. 

On Arguing: Stay in a Lane

Have you ever taken a road trip with multiple vehicles? If so, have you gotten frustrated that one person is either out of the column of drivers or going way too fast/slow? This is a moment that has happened to me on several trips and it seems inevitable that I say over the radio, “can you stay in a lane, please? Let’s arrive together.” The odd thing is I often ask myself this in couple and family therapy sessions as well. Let’s briefly unpack some of these ideas together!

Staying in a Lane

Staying in a Lane means to not change subjects abruptly when arguing. If we are discussing a problem with our partner, stay with a single subject at a time. When changing subjects remember that your partner is not in your car, rather in your column. This means you need to clearly signal to your partner that you want to change subjects and wait for that validation so that everyone is changing lanes together.

Set the Speed Limit

Set the Speed Limit means to be mindful of your tone. When you go into a conversation with a family member, remember that how you speak is just as important as what you say. When you start the conversation with a calm tone, keep this tone. If you find it hard to keep this tone, act as if you are driving. If you cannot keep your eyes open, tell your family member this and take a break.

Arriving Together

It is hard to keep a calm tone (Set the Speed Limit) when discussing serious subjects. Emotions pull us to different places, but when we stick to a serious subject at a time (Stay in a Lane), it is easier to Arrive Together. When we Arrive Together this means we have spoken our peace to mutual satisfaction. We may not agree on everything, someone may have raised their voice, and another may have deviated from the subject a bit. Arriving Together is important because it means that our conversation avoided an argument, we minded our tones and let each other know we wanted to move to a different subject. 

What I like about these ideas is that they will not only help your communication with friends and family, but they will make the next road trip more enjoyable! When we can communicate well it makes our relationships stronger, and stronger relationships are happier relationships!

The 3-minute exercise to manage anxiety while under quarantine

Anxiety has the capacity to be both incredibly helpful and harmful. In the event of finding yourself face to face with a cougar, down to the wire on a final project, or gearing up for a big race, anxiety gives us the "juice" to dig deep, focus, and function at a high level. There are consequences of course to these bouts with anxiety, including adrenaline and its counterpart cortisol - which, studies have shown, can be very harmful in high doses. Similarly prolonged states of anxiety can lead to fatigue, GI issues, heart problems, and memory problems. For brief periods of time, this anxiety can be functional and help us overcome challenges.

 Unfortunately, anxiety isn't always helpful. Often the evolutionary anxiety that would help us in the event of a battle against a wild animal is constantly "ON" as we fight internal fears surrounding things that haven't actually happened yet. In fact, I often find that when anxiety is over functioning it leads us to look to the future and build dozens of different possible outcomes, then mount problem solving against them all. This is overwhelming, often unhelpful, and multiplies distress by focusing on situations that do not yet exist!

 The beauty of practicing mindfulness as an anxiety management technique is that it helps us to stay focused on the present moment. Much of our psychological distress exists when we ruminate about the past or catastrophize the future - both are out of our control and are not happening in the present moment. You do not have to hold the distress of the past, present, and future simultaneously - it is too much!

 My favorite quick trick to bring anxiety down to a more manageable level is a grounding technique that engages your senses. This helps take you out of your mind and into the physical space around you. Here you can remind yourself of what is actually happening - relieving your mind of the burden of holding so many possible realities at once. This has been increasingly helpful to folks as they are stuck in self-isolation due to the growing impact of COVID-19 on our world (a veritable powder keg for anxiety and catastrophic thought).

 Before starting, I encourage you to take a few deep, full breaths - holding at the top of the inhale briefly and slowly exhaling. Then I invite you to turn to your senses and work through the following list. Repeat at least once (more if needed):

 *Name 5 things that you see

 *Name 4 things that you physically feel

 *Name 3 things that you hear

 *Name 2 things that you smell

 *Name 1 thing that you taste

 *REPEAT*

 Extra notes: it is normal to still feel your mind racing and to experience internal dialogue (even critiquing the exercise). Allow those thoughts to come and go and continue to focus in on the exercise - the anxious voice will start to subside as you draw more and more attention to the world around you. Also, I encourage you to try to slow down with each item you name, trying to avoid rattling things off as quickly as possible "PILLOW - COUCH - LAMP - CHAIR"; instead try to also include one detail or adjective along with the item "the faded chair" or the "patterned rug". 

If you are interested in more mindfulness activities, I highly recommend checking out meditation apps such as Calm, Simple Habit, and more. If you prefer a hands-on resource I encourage you to check out A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook by Stahl & Goldstein.