On Couples: Sexism in the Relationship

Disclaimer: As a couples’ therapist I’ve had experiences of witnessing and combating sexism. As a male, I have a part in witnessing and contributing to sexism. This duality is not lost and to a degree cannot be separated. This is stated in good faith to contextualize the author. Further, this blog is written to represent hetereosexual and monogamous relationships solely in order to contextualize the limited perspective which is possible within the scope of this blog. As well, some of these expressions are not only sexism, but sometimes signs of domestic violence. The context of this blog is not to be read for signs of domestic violence, but solely sexism. If you are witnessing or a victim of domestic violence seek help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233. 

As a therapist I have the opportunity to watch and listen extensively to various configurations of human relationships. The makeup of every relationship is different and manifests in different ways, but sexism is an all too frequent occurrence in relational therapy. Three main ways in which I have witnessed sexism in relational interactions is in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing. Though not every couple demonstrates all three, I often see at least one in heterosexual couples. The aim of this blog is to be able to identify some forms of sexism when it occurs in your relationship. 

Use of Tone

Tone is a unique tool in communication. It can change the context of words so easily and be misunderstood even faster. Tone in relationship to sexism is often expressed with a deeper or aggressive way then one might usually speak. This often triggers the other to physical shrink in relation to the partner using this tone. The reason this becomes sexist is in the use of the tone, not the tones themselves, for the purpose of putting the other partner in a submissive/one down position. A way to combat this is to aim for communication to not occur using these tones. If one partner is exhibiting an aggressive or deeper tone than usual, it is a signal that communication is not constructive and to take a moment to slow things down so as to make a mindful decision about continuing to talk or ceasing to do so. 

Physical Positioning

As mentioned previously, physical positioning often is a response to tone, though not always. Often physical positioning comes in two forms; towering and aggression. Towering is when one physically positions themselves in a taller position than their partner (on rare occasions, the sexist partner will shrink, yet use a tone as a way to combat being seen as sexist), while aggression is often expressed by clenching fists/teeth, or moving to a fighting posture. The reason this becomes sexist is that it is used to dominate over the other partner and make them appear to be stronger than the other. A way to combat these behaviors of sexism is to sit down and keep a relaxed posture. This creates a more equal ground to express ourselves. When equality is broken in a relationship, it is a warning sign to take pause. 

Emotional Policing

Out of the three ways sexism may occur in a relationship, this one is often unseen by partners. As it has no physical marker usually, it is harder to pick up on. Emotional policing is when certain emotions are only allowed to be expressed by one partner and not the other on the factor of biological sex. Often this manifests as cis-females being permitted to use sadness and not express anger, and the inverse is true for cis-males. A more subtle expression of emotional policing is telling the partner how they may or may not feel or express emotions. A way to combat this sexism is by disentangling the beliefs that individuals hold around expression and feeling their emotions. All humans experience the emotional spectrum and therefore are allowed to express their emotions in a safe and constructive way. 

Sexism is often something that comes into the therapy room and lives in relationships. Though not exhaustive, I hope that this blog can help you identify sexist behaviors in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing, while giving you a starting point to address sexism in your relationship. Furthering understanding is the best way to start overcoming a problem. Below I have listed several resources to begin or continue your journey in addressing sexism in your relationship:

Articles & Blogs:

Susan Madsen writes about types of sexism in the workplace. Beginning to understand Hostile and Benevolent Sexism is not only beneficial in the workspace, but also in relationships.

Aleksandra Nasteska writes about inequalities due to sexism in Western Culture that affect relationships. Exploring ways that sexism manifests in relationships and ways to overcome the Us/Them dynamic are useful in addressing sexism in relationships.

Books:

Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (1949) is one of the influential works of Second-Wave Feminism. This philosophical writing is the blend between philosophy, personal experience and fiction to illustrate the inequalities that sexism has and does produce.

John Stuart Mill’s The Subjection of Women (1869) is one of the oldest explicit Feminist Philosophy texts. Written with his wife, then his daughter after his wife’s death. The Mills argue that sex-equality is essential for a society to be able to call itself a Good Society.

Knowing our needs

We all have needs, and to prioritize our needs is a way to a fulfilling life. Acknowledging that we have them is the first step towards figuring out what they are and how to have them met. You are not needy for requesting them to be met, nor are you selfish for placing your needs before others’. Let us explore knowing about our needs, being resourceful in meeting our needs and then, not being afraid to make mistakes.

Knowing not Preferring

When we notice a thing, we can begin to master it. Needs are something we often don’t spend time thinking or talking about. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about needs in which they expressed they “never really know what I need. I do know what I prefer.” 

Preferring something is not the same as knowing. This becomes clear when what we prefer clashes with what we need. I prefer to be with friends, but often I diminish my need for sleep. Do you know your needs? This is a broad question, so let me ask it again in two ways that I have been asking myself as of late to help inspire you to answer this question for yourself more often. What do I need emotionally to feel content? What do I need physically to feel at ease?

Resourceful, not Needy nor Selfish

When we make requests about our needs in relationships, there are two words often thrown at partners as a deflection or accusation, and those are needy and selfish. Asking for one’s needs is an important and vulnerable aspect of relationships. You are not needy for asking your partner for help in achieving a need, nor are you selfish for doing something for yourself; you are resourceful. 

I have to balance this in my own life quite often. My partner works third shift, and this comes with a few stipulations. I often need to be quiet in the afternoon after I am done working when I would rather play my guitar or watch a movie. As well, I often pack their meal for work. It is not selfish for my partner to ask me to be quiet, so that they can get the sleep they need. It is also true that my partner is not needy for asking me to make them a meal; nor is it selfish for me to make the meal I want to make. Are you being resourceful?

Needs and Mistakes

Knowing and being resourceful with needs is not easy. We often do put preferences over needs, or don’t realize that we are asking a lot of our partners and not addressing their needs. Life is learning, and to learn you must make mistakes. Some needs must be met by you and some must be met with the help of others. It is okay to make mistakes, because it means you are learning. What lessons have you learned about needs from your mistakes?

I will often make mistakes due to being too self-centered. I have asked my partner to come with me to explore fascinating intellectual topics and dragged them to listen or read things so we could talk about them. Though it is a need for me to be intellectually stimulated, it isn’t a need of my partner in the same way, and though a need, I misplaced it as a romantic-relationship need instead of a need that can be filled by a platonic-friendship.  Mistakes are made in attempts to get needs met and are a positive sign of change. 

When we know what our needs are and are resourceful in meeting our needs, we can live a more fulfilling life. In that pursuit we will make mistakes and that is a part of the journey of knowing and finding ways to be resourceful about our needs. 

For further inquiries into some of the surrounding topics in this article here are some resources for you on your journey:

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a wonderful place to start in finding not only personal needs, but needs in relationships. We have physical and emotional needs,  and both must be addressed.

MindBodyGreen breaks down Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs into easier to explore parts and how we can actualize these needs in our lives.

Melissa Orlov, writing for Psychology Today, examines nine ways to recover from mistakes in a relationship. Setting aside time for your relationship is rewarding and validating, and focusing on how you communicate can make mistakes easier to recover from (rules 3 and 5 in the article, respectively).

For those in a rut in their relationship, sometimes it isn’t that you don’t know your needs, rather it is that they have changed with time. Mark Travers, writing for Psychology Today, gives four solid ways to address this issue of needs in our relationships, while overcoming mistakes we may have made.

GIVE to Yourself

Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s (DBT) GIVE is a powerful therapeutic tool I find myself returning to over and over again in my work with clients, particularly in strengthening interpersonal communication skills. Recently, when preparing for a session, I was thinking of new ways to treat negative self-talk; realizing there is great potential in applying GIVE not only to communication with others, but also toward one’s self!  Today I would like to introduce you to Marsha Linehan’s GIVE and how it can be used for positive self-talk.

What GIVEs?

GIVE stand for Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner. Gentle can mean many things, I often tend towards tender or non-judging in my approach. Interested means to be listening, if you are listening you can summarize what the speaker said and they would agree with it. Validate means to acknowledge what is being said, this does not mean agreeance. Easy Manner means light-hearted, at ease or humorous.

How can I GIVE to myself?

When I talk with strangers or friends I use GIVE as a guideline to monitor if it is a healthy conversation. The same holds true with my self-talk. If I cannot be gentle with myself, I must be hurt. It’s important that I talk to myself gently if I wish to feel heard, much like I require of myself and those I associate with. If my internal dialogue is abrasive and rapid (cutting myself off) - it is time to implement a coping skill to center myself so that I can fully listen to myself. If conflicting parts of me cannot acknowledge that I have differing roles   that can conflict (being a therapist is different than that of a brother, son or partner) then it is no wonder that I am hurting. Even in ambivalence I have to create space to acknowledge  inner conflicting ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I admit that Easy Manner is an odd and deeply personal approach when it comes to self-talk. I am not particularly humorous, but I can be at ease. My role as a therapist should be at ease with my role as a son, even though they conflict from time to time. GIVE is a great way to support healthy internal communication, which can lead to improvements in other aspects of life including emotional well-being, interpersonal communication, and self-esteem.

What do I do when GIVE doesn’t work?

This is where coping skills come in. What can you do that will ground  yourself so that you can practice GIVE? Use your creativity! You know yourself best. For some inspiration here are a few ways I have seen clients successfully ground themselves in this situation: (1) Just breathe. Find an easy rhythm that keeps your attention on your breathing. (2) Music. Let the tone or lyrics speak to you in a positive way to balance the negativity. (3) Reach out to a close friend, or family member, and talk about mutual interests that you enjoy. Once you feel relaxed, centered, and grounded try to focus on one of the principles of GIVE and see how you feel on the second try. 

Self-talk is one of the hardest parts about communication. If you are trying to communicate with others and it is difficult, you can take a break. When it comes to yourself, you can never quite leave yourself. This is where using GIVE can help, because it is about respecting you, and all your parts, when you use it for self-talk.

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Linehan, M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. The Guilford Press.

Creating a Routine with Adolescents during COVID-19

By Kellie Calderon, MA, LPC

In the midst of the current Pandemic, there is uncertainty, transitioning and anxiety. Maybe you are now working from home, and maybe your spouse or partner is also working from home. This is a tough transition in itself. Maybe your adolescents are ALSO E-Learning at home. At this point, you may have lost your mind. And you are the only one in that boat! Say it with me….. “this too shall pass.” But when? How? What will we do until then? I am going to break down some techniques for you and your family in order to help ease some of the cabin fever, getting on each other’s nerves and overall stress of everyone trying to be productive while at home. 

Create a Schedule or Routine

As I am sure you know by now, your normal routine is out the window at this point. It’s okay- we can get it back on track. Try and keep a routine or schedule as close to the normal one as possible. This means waking up at a decent time- this does not have to be the same exact time, but as close to that as possible. Try to keep it within an hour of when your adolescent would normally wake up for school. Create a list of things they normally would need to do before school (this may be modified since it won’t be exactly the same). Develop a list of expectations, for example: brush your teeth, take a shower, eat breakfast. Teens need structure even if they fight you on it. It helps them to develop a routine and could help in the future when they need to do this on their own. 

Make sure they have lunch at a normal lunch time- and end the “school day” at a similar time they normally would- unless they finish everything earlier. After their schoolwork is done, make sure there is still a focus on the routine. Once they finish everything, make sure there is time for dinner, any nighttime routine, and a bedtime (again, as close to the normal routine as possible).  

Set Breaks 

It can be more difficult for a teen to be doing schoolwork at home. They are not used to sitting for that long in one place. Remember, at school they are taking time to get to school, going from classroom to classroom, and having small breaks throughout the day. Figure out when the best time to have breaks are. It would be helpful to have a schedule such as doing work for 25 minutes- then having a 5-minute break. Do this 4 times and then have a 30-minute break (This is called the Pomodoro Technique). They need to be up and moving during these breaks too, not just sitting on their phones. 

Boundaries and Limits on Games/Social Media

This is a big one- this should not be a free-for-all with unlimited use of technology. Just remember, the more lenient you are during this time, the harder it will be to get back to normalcy when this is all over. Make sure there are clear boundaries with technology. Try to stick to how it normally is when they get home from school. If they are typically allowed one hour of video games after school- keep that consistent or at least close. If they are doing well in their routine and staying on track, feel free to provide positive reinforcement by giving them some extra time. 

Plan Activities with Them, not for Them

We all are feeling this- people are BORED. When you have a teen in the house it becomes a distant memory of them wanting to participate in family activities. It is important to make sure they are not just isolating in their rooms all day. Create a rule that works with your family, something along the lines of, for every hour you are in your room you must come out for ten minutes. They don’t have to interact with people, but they need to get out of their room for that time. Ask them what they would like to do as a family. A lot of times teens don’t want to do something with the family just because their parent came up with the idea- it is important for them to feel like they had a part in planning something. Ask them, “I want you to pick one thing we can do in the house as a family this week.” Tell them each person in the family gets to pick an activity for the rest to do. If you come up with something like a puzzle, ask them what kind they would like. It’s all about a sense of control here- they just want to feel more like they were heard, versus forced to do something. 

Have Designated Spaces

This is important for the adult and the teen. With everyone doing work at home, it’s important to have your own spaces and make it consistent. Just like I would tell an adult to not do their work from their bed (it causes loose boundaries for work/life balance), tell the same to your teen. Homework should be done in an area that promotes learning and creates the least amount of distractions. Each person can have their own area, if possible, so there isn’t a sense of crowdedness. 

Most Importantly- Stay Calm and Breathe

This is something most people never thought they would need to prepare for. Say it with me... “you are not alone, and you are doing the best that you can!” It’s okay if things aren’t perfect, we are all learning and adapting. Just as you are feeling, your teens are also feeling anxious, bored, and stuck. This is something you can relate to them on. Ask them how they are doing, are they managing everything okay? Are they able to keep up with the schoolwork or do they need help? It’s good to just check in with them because they are also in a huge transition. They can’t see their friends or go to school to have a break from home. This is also a loss for them. Talk about it as a family and figure out what you’re feeling and how you can make the most out of this time. 

It’s important to check in with yourself and those around you during this unprecedented time. If you are looking to connect with a mental health counselor at this time, please do not hesitate to contact us at Empowered Connections Counseling. You will find all of our information on our website at www.empoweredconnectionscounseling.com. 

On Arguing: Stay in a Lane

Have you ever taken a road trip with multiple vehicles? If so, have you gotten frustrated that one person is either out of the column of drivers or going way too fast/slow? This is a moment that has happened to me on several trips and it seems inevitable that I say over the radio, “can you stay in a lane, please? Let’s arrive together.” The odd thing is I often ask myself this in couple and family therapy sessions as well. Let’s briefly unpack some of these ideas together!

Staying in a Lane

Staying in a Lane means to not change subjects abruptly when arguing. If we are discussing a problem with our partner, stay with a single subject at a time. When changing subjects remember that your partner is not in your car, rather in your column. This means you need to clearly signal to your partner that you want to change subjects and wait for that validation so that everyone is changing lanes together.

Set the Speed Limit

Set the Speed Limit means to be mindful of your tone. When you go into a conversation with a family member, remember that how you speak is just as important as what you say. When you start the conversation with a calm tone, keep this tone. If you find it hard to keep this tone, act as if you are driving. If you cannot keep your eyes open, tell your family member this and take a break.

Arriving Together

It is hard to keep a calm tone (Set the Speed Limit) when discussing serious subjects. Emotions pull us to different places, but when we stick to a serious subject at a time (Stay in a Lane), it is easier to Arrive Together. When we Arrive Together this means we have spoken our peace to mutual satisfaction. We may not agree on everything, someone may have raised their voice, and another may have deviated from the subject a bit. Arriving Together is important because it means that our conversation avoided an argument, we minded our tones and let each other know we wanted to move to a different subject. 

What I like about these ideas is that they will not only help your communication with friends and family, but they will make the next road trip more enjoyable! When we can communicate well it makes our relationships stronger, and stronger relationships are happier relationships!