3 Tips That Can Improve Your Relationship Right Away

Relationships are connective and complex. They can sometimes hold dialectical meaning. When something like this is filled with so much nuance, we then try to find answers to make sense of it. We might turn to relationship experts, self help books, or intensive workshops. I am here to break the news that not even the experts have it all figured out. Why? Because there is no one size fits all solution.

Your relationship story is unique to you and your partner. However, the relationship is just a new chapter in our own story. We all bring our own story to a relationship. Now, imagine starting a book halfway through and not having the details of the previous chapters. That’s a big part of relationships. Getting to know your partner’s previous chapters. That requires work, time, and effort.

The good news is that it can turn into a beautifully connective and even exciting experience. I am always telling my clients that relationships are containers for growth. They force us to go back, re-read, and engage with our previous chapters. Maybe ones that we wanted to keep closed tight. However, in order to be in a relationship, we must explore those chapters. So, while I certainly don’t have all the answers. Here are 3 tips that can hopefully improve your relationship. With a note that these tips will permeate into action for each person and their relationship differently, because of your stories.

Tip #1 - Turn Towards Each Other

You can take this one literally and figuratively. Imagine your loved one sitting next to you on the couch and they let out a deep, “sigh”. That is called a bid for connection. A sigh can be a signal for stress or exhaustion. There is a story there and maybe your partner wants to talk about it. This is your moment to turn towards them on the couch and say, “what’s going on, want to talk about it?” Another example of a bid for connection is a more direct one like a wink or slap on the bum. Smile, laugh, give them a wink back and engage with their bids. This shows your partner over and over again that you see them, hear them, and want to know more.

Tip #2 - Seek to Understand

Arguments happen in relationships. This fact may make the conflict “avoiders” squirm in their seats. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. Part of getting better at conflict is tolerating the discomfort. Another part is tolerating your partner’s point of view, especially when you don’t agree with it. You don’t have to agree with it. What matters most is that your partner feels understood. There is likely a chapter in their book that you get to learn from. So seek to understand that chapter a bit more. Ask questions like, “I want to understand, can you help me understand?”, or “what do you wish I knew about how you are feeling?”

Tip #3- Create Intention

The first couple of months in a relationship is exciting. You’ve got the benefit of the honeymoon hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine) firing away. Yep, that neurochemistry is a real thing. However, over time we settle into our relationship and it begins to require a little more effort. Just like anything in life, if you move about with little thought behind your choices it starts to feel like you are going through the motions. That is why intention is everything. Make an intention to spend uninterrupted quality time with each other. Not just any type of quality time, but the quality time that means something to you as a couple. Do you love to try new foods? Pick out an adventurous recipe from a specific cuisine. Then, go to a special market that holds those high quality ingredients. Sit down and make an intention to have a thoughtful conversation while you dine your new dish. Date night aside, carve out time to make time for your relationship. Set an intention to talk about the good and hard parts of where the relationship is. Maybe make an intention to fill up your partner’s love language cup on any given day. Shower them with surprise notes if they love words of affirmation. Get creative and surprise them. A little bit goes a long way with some intention.

Want a relationship tip bonus?

Check out Dr. John Gottman’s breakdown of relational bids, The Building Blocks for Connection.

Understanding Domestic Violence

Please note, this post includes descriptions of domestic violence

which may be emotionally challenging.

Seeking out individual therapy is not only healing, but also informative. As a client, I was describing what was going on in my personal relationship with my partner as we were cohabiting. I continuously felt like I was walking on eggshells and communication with friends and family became limited. As I was describing my day to day living, my therapist stopped me and said, “do you understand you are in a domestic violence situation?” I was confused, I made sure she understood I wasn’t being physically hurt. The statistics are astonishing, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men face severe domestic violence from an intimate partner.

Growing up with bickering parents and occasional visits from the police department, I thought my situation was normal. I was stunned as my therapist described the signs of domestic violence and that the behavior I was experiencing was not normal.

Signs of DV Behavior:

• Hurtful words and threats

• Monitoring cell phones, email, etc.

• Physical aggression

• Destroying or throwing property

• Excessive jealousy

• An eagerness to move the relationship forward quickly

• Constant flattery early on

• Attempts to control your choices, relationships, and even finances

This treatment ate at me. I couldn’t sleep through the night as I never knew what I would wake up to. Not only did this affect my mental health, but my physical health also started to diminish. If I hadn’t decided to seek therapy, I would have most likely stayed where I was. Once I understood what was happening, I was able to gather the strength to take the necessary steps to remove myself from my situation. 

My therapist listened to me and did not judge me. She showed me how to look for the red flags of a potential bad relationship. I learned how to cope with the trauma. It takes time to heal from a domestic violence situation, but if you have the knowledge and tools you need to recover. You can move forward and begin to heal. There is hope. Seeking counseling with the right therapist empowers you to change your life, understand your feelings, and can build back your sense of self-worth.

RESOURCES:

• For support contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  Advocates are available who can provide domestic abuse help and assist with crisis intervention, safety planning and can provide you with a local domestic abuse hotline number.

• NNEDV’s WomensLaw email hotline, https://strongheartshelpline.org  can also be utilized to obtain basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support.

•  Red Flags of Abuse - NNEDV to understand the “red flags” of abuse and to also obtain additional links for help with domestic violence.

If you are seeking a therapist, reach out to our team at info@empoweredconnectionscounseling.com or fill out our intake request form.

*The author of this blog post has been kept anonymous*

Checking in With Your Children's Mental Health

Summer is here! A time to slow down, take in the warm air, and spend time with our children while summer vacation is still in gear. In the constant state of trying to create a balance in our new and ever changing environments, I think to myself, “how are our children handling this as well?” I am reminded of this within my own family, and the big changes we are facing with an out of state move. We have had our ups and our downs of the common stressors of a move and selling our home, and the transition of getting to our new home. 

Reflecting on past years of our own family changes and the unexpected changes we've had as a society, it's a reminder that our children have gone through a lot of their own stressors. I personally do mental health check ins with myself, review if I am feeling off balanced and what is needed to get back into that balanced feeling. Why not do the same checking in with our children's own mental health? Here are some quick tips to help start the conversation:

• Gently lead in with an open ended question for example,

“there have been so many changes going on, like us moving to a new state, and selling our house. What feelings do you have about that? What has that been like for you?”

• Ask specific questions based on observations you’ve made, something like,

“I’ve noticed you're easily upset or frustrated lately since we moved out of our old house, is there something I can do to help you not be so frustrated or upset?”

• Stay present, it is important to be in the moment with your children and the conversations you are having. When we are in the moment with our children, we are able to have honest conversations and genuine connections. 

• Remove distractions like technology while having the conversation. Also anyone that could cause your child not to open up, like a sibling. 

• Provide active listening, through eye contact and physical movements. This shows them you're listening. Something like a head nod, as well as relaying what your child said back to them. 

There are many ways to start a conversation with your child, tailoring how you start a conversation is beneficial based on their age and development. Conversations are a great way to build connections, practice listening skills, model healthy relationships, and gain trust. The more conversations we have with our children the easier they become when we face harder topics. 

Additional resources for children’s mental health support

Big Life Journal: Free, low cost mindful strategies, journals, and lessons for all ages and for parents as well.

Child Mind: Free resources for parents that are geared toward specific needs and support like anxiety, depression, and much more! 

The 5 Love Languages

The five love languages originated from Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992. These languages are modalities of how we show or receive love and appreciation whether it’s towards our romantic partners, family, or friends. We as humans communicate differently and by understanding how others express love in a meaningful way, it helps us communicate and strengthen relationships by focusing on other’s needs rather than our own. Dr. Chapman developed 5 categories of love languages; Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. 

Acts of Service

These acts of service are actions performed to show you care about the other person. Examples of this can include cleaning, running an errand, or folding laundry because you know your partner doesn’t do it. These acts of service are non-verbal affirmations to your loved one. 

Gifts

Receiving gifts has been around throughout history. It's our way we show appreciation to our loved ones whether it's someone’s birthday and you get them that wallet they’ve always wanted, or Valentine’s day when people will buy cards, chocolates/candies, and flowers. It can be something simple as a note that shows you care and are thinking about that person. 

Physical Touch

Physical touch is showing affection to your loved ones. Physical touch helps reaffirm you are not alone which we may often crave when feeling lost or lonely. This can mean hugging, holding hands, cuddling, or more intimate moments such as kissing and sexual intercourse. 

Quality Time

Quality time often confuses many people as to how to define quality time. The simplest definition is when two people spend uninterrupted time together and are truly present together. This could be cooking meals together or engaging in conversation. With technology today, it’s important to put your phone away and not become distracted as this can cause your partner to feel unloved and ignored. 

Words of Affirmation 

This is the only Love Language that is based on verbal communication. Utilizing positive words and phrases to uplift your partner to compliment them is important. Usually they are able to encourage others and they hope that is reciprocated back to them. 

Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts. Chicago: Northfield Pub.

Meta-Emotions: Having Feelings about your Feelings

Picture This

Two friends Paul and Marty are out for a coffee catching up about life and work. At some point near the end of their catch up, Marty mentions a recent promotion - a promotion Paul himself had been vying for as well (unbeknownst to Marty). This sparked immediate jealousy in Paul. Slowly after his initial glimmer of envy, Paul quickly began to become angry toward himself for feeling jealous, which spirals him into self-shame and deeper despair. He thinks to himself, ”how can I be feeling this way? I am such a “bad friend”.”

Do you envision this moment and think to yourself, “wow I can relate”? Yep, us too! We refer to this scenario as an example of meta-emotions or having emotions about our emotions.

Let’s Break this Down

Paul’s initial emotion of jealousy -> led him to react to that emotion with another emotion -> leaving Paul angry at himself for feeling jealous.

Another common example is panic, which is often the outcome of anxiety, about anxiety. Associated symptoms of panic ensues -> you begin to notice your symptoms setting in -> therefore causing more anxiety over your panic. 

Meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to - making matters worse. We know, it can feel like a vicious cycle.

So What Do You do?

First identify what is happening. Simply pausing to name the experience creates awareness and opportunity to intervene. Insight is power. Meta-emotions can be tricky and deceptive - name it. 

Second, find acceptance and compassion towards the initial feeling. While you may not always agree with your emotional experience, it is here with you no matter how hard you try to change it. This practice allows that first emotion to flow through more quickly. Emotional acceptance meditation expert Tara Brach offers this statement, “I consent to this feeling being here with me”.

I imagine Paul would be able to more effectively move through his jealousy with less shame and turmoil through a compassionate journey of acceptance toward his jealousy. We believe you can too. A final suggestion, take the time to explore any meta experiences to gain awareness and prepare for the next time they come back around. Check out these reflective questions to help guide you!

Reflective questions:

What meta-emotional cycles do you find in your life?

How do you know you are experiencing a meta-emotional cycle? What does that look like?What feels hard about that emotion? Is there an origin story there?

What has helped you to manage this experience?