New Year, New Regrets? How Examining Regret Can Propel You Forward

As we settle into 2023, for some of us it is time to wonder:  Will we or won’t we follow through on our resolutions? Or are we already regretting the goals we made for ourselves?   

Before we review new resolutions,  I want to suggest a moment to look back.  Instead of looking up the mountain for all you want to accomplish or change in the new year, take a minute to look down your mountain and acknowledge how far you have come in the last year.  

Write down some of your accomplishments from last year.  No paper?  Say them out loud.  

I encourage you to call someone and tell them what you are proud of – better yet – start the  conversation–ask the person on the other end of the call to “look down their mountain”.  Have them tell you something they are proud of from the past year. 

It isn’t bragging, it is empowering.  

Along with accomplishments, I confess, I have a lot of regrets from the past year.  I have been taught my entire life from bad bumper stickers “NO REGRETS!” to religious acts (Confession?!) that regrets are something to avoid.  And although we are bound to make some mistakes, the act of embracing regret certainly has been frowned upon.  

Instead of avoiding these mistakes or missed opportunities, what about examining our regrets?  Daniel Pink, in his nonfiction book: The Power or Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, compiles quantitative data to support the importance of reflecting on those things we regret the most.  Pink not only uses science to support his claim, but he gives us permission to embrace our regrets!  

Pink breaks regret into four types:

1. Foundation Regrets

2. Moral Regrets

3. Connection Regrets

4. Boldness Regrets 

Pink explains each type has something to teach humans about what they value: “foundation regrets” reveal a need for stability, “connection regrets”, the need for love, “moral regret”, the need for goodness and “boldness regrets” suggest a need for growth.   If so many of us are living with regret, how do we maximize our regrets to live a more fulfilling life?   Pink goes on to describe a three step strategy: inward, outward, forward.  He also suggests a number of exercises to support these ideas.  

A month into the new year and already I have a few regrets. Instead of punishing myself, I am going to review Pink’s exercises and remember that looking backward can move me forward.  

Read or listen more about Pink’s theory on regret:  How examining our regrets can make for a more meaningful life

Coping With Being Single on Valentine's Day

As a wave of red and pink floods our storefronts, and Valentine's Day posts from your peers begin to take over your social media feed, these can be painful reminders of what we perceive as personal deficits in our lives.

Even for those in relationships, Valentine’s Day can be a breeding ground for expectations, resentment, pressure, anger, and hurt.

Here are some reminders as potentially complicated feelings come up around February 14th.

First, there is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship. A person who is happy being single is not better or stronger than someone who wants to be in a romantic partnership (or vice versa!).

In America’s individualistic culture, there is extensive pressure to be selfish with your energy, to be happy alone, and to not need anyone to feel fulfilled. This is unrealistic! We are relational creatures who inherently long to be loved, touched, and cared for. When we deny ourselves intimacy, we starve ourselves from the potential to connect, and ultimately the love we all need to thrive. 

Second, You are your own judge, jury, and prosecutor when it comes to your romantic status.

No one in your social circle thinks about your singlehood as much as you do. The reality is, people are much too caught up in their own insecurities to think about yours. 

That being said, judgment and pressure from others affect us. Parents, siblings, and unassuming fellow party guests can be the biggest triggers to negative feelings. 

“How are you?” seems to always be followed with “Are you seeing anyone?”. People often make YOUR romantic life about themselves, saying things like “Oh, what happened to what's-their-name? I liked them.”  

You are always allowed to set a boundary when it comes to talking about your romantic life. A simple response with “I'm not interested in talking about my dating life right now.” should be the end of the discussion.

Third, Don’t underestimate the importance of platonic and familial love.

Our sex life is a fraction of who we are and what we need to feel good about ourselves. Friends and family can fulfill many, if not most, of the needs that a romantic partner can fill.

Unfortunately, in modern society, there are extensive messages received that our partner should be our best friend, lover, family member, emotional confidant, provider of encouragement and affirmation, and much more. This sustained pressure on our romantic relationships often leaves us feeling like our needs aren’t being met.

Call your friends beautiful, send them flowers, ask for a hug, words of encouragement and comfort. Go on an ice cream date, plan a trip together. Feeling connected and cared for in the ways that are accessible allow us to access more gratitude in times where all we see is what is lacking.

Take care of yourself mentally, spiritually, and emotionally during this time. You deserve to feel loved, whole, and wanted - and take it from a couples therapist… Having a partner does not always make these feelings a guarantee.

Building a Secure Attachment in Your Relationships

You might know about attachment styles from books, mental health experts, or the therapist on Instagram that you follow. If it is new to you, then here is a little background. Attachment theory focuses on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships between people. This includes, but is not limited to, friendships, romantic relationships, polyamorous relationships, and even working relationships.

The theory was founded by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby and Ainsworth believed that our attachment style was formed based on the responsiveness of the adults around us in our early experiences. There are four different attachment styles; secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. If you want to know more about each style, we encourage you to check out this blog post, Attachment Styles & Their Roles in Relationships from The Attachment Project.

We all embody levels of each attachment style depending on the situation and relationship, but we typically have a more dominant style. What is key is knowing how your dominant way of relating to others shows up. What thoughts do you have about relationships, vulnerability, interdependence? What are your relational triggers and core fears? What do you do when you experience these triggers?

Gaining insight on yourself in this way can feel overwhelming at first. However, the benefit of attachment is that our neurological pathways are malleable. Meaning your dominant attachment can shift. There is no shame in what exists for you when you relate to others. We all have our own stories that make us who we are. However, working toward a sense of security in ourselves and our relationships can help us in leading more authentic, connected lives. Read on for how you can start to build a secure attachment. 

Talk to a therapist: exploring with a therapist the nature of your attachment orientation is key. Explore your relationship history. What is your earliest memory of feeling reassured, comforted, empathically understood? What were your caretakers’ attitudes toward emotional vulnerability? (i.e. weakness, sign of lack of self-reliance, a healthy part of development, an opportunity for connection) Did you seek support? Who did you turn to? Explore your core attachment fears and needs. Do you have a fear of abandonment or fear of being controlled? Take time to examine that.

Start with yourself: Continuing outside of therapy, exploring your own emotional world is key when establishing secure bonds. Practice being alone and sit with what that feels like. Journal to explore your emotions, and practice breathing exercises that will support you in moments of dysregulation. When you have a better sense of yourself, then you can better communicate your feelings and needs.

Create rituals: when working to establish security in your relationships. Find intentional ways to create rituals with those people. Whether it is a romantic partner, friend, family member, or coworker. Send your friend texts letting them know what they mean to you, or express gratitude for your friendship weekly. If it is your romantic partner, create coming and going rituals. When you leave for the day give them a kiss and a hug. When you get home ask them how their day was and give your full presence. If it is a work friend, schedule time to have lunch dates with them each week, and share what you admire about their work ethic. A little bit can go a long way!

Practice ATTUNEMENT: Use the acronym ATTUNE to practice attunement. Bring in awareness of your own feelings or your partner’s. Turn toward them or express to them what you are feeling. Tolerate your difficult emotions, as well as theirs with a deep breath. Try to seek to understand what they are experiencing. Practice non-judgmental listening and keep the focus on them. Lastly, empathize with them. Find ways you can relate to what they are feeling.

As social creatures we thrive on connection, and desire a strong sense of belonging. Attachment wounds from early experiences can stay with us and show up in our adult relationships. It can be an emotional, painful process un-packing that, but with the support of a therapist there is hope.

Schedule an appointment at Empowered Connections Counseling

Book Recommendations: 

Attached By, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Polysecure By, Jessica Fern

The Power of Attachment By, Dr. Diane Poole Heller

Healing From Heartbreak

The holidays are commonly a peak time for relationship endings. There are many reasons why that might be. Maybe you are examining the relationship from the past year. Maybe you see the commitment in spending the holiday together. Whatever the reason is, if you are hurting from a break up right now (no matter the season), we know how difficult it is.

If you chose to end it, you didn't want it to happen, or it was mutual- it all still hurts. There is simply no way around the pain that comes from separating from a person you felt close to. Romantic relational loss is grief in its own form. The pain can feel acute, especially in the beginning. This can make it difficult to know how to move forward.

First, let go of your timeline. Try to remember that how you get through it is more important than how quickly you get through it. It is a time to invite in some reflection. I hope you can use these tips as a guide, not a manual, to navigate the how in your heartbreak.

Honor self care: Support yourself in gentle ways. Surround yourself with those who you feel safe with, who will lend an ear to what you are feeling. Create a playlist that will speak to your emotions. Write down all your messy thoughts and feelings in a journal. Find some time to create a list of nourishing self care rituals.

Examine what you learned: Relationships are containers for growth. They allow us to get to know ourselves deeper. What are the things you learned about yourself in that partnership? What did you learn about what you need? What about non-negotiables? What were the ineffective ways you communicated? What were your defense mechanisms? What were you protecting yourself from? What do you need to forgive yourself and the other person for?

Allow the emotions: Remember that emotions are not permanent. If you find yourself ruminating, this could be a sign of emotional avoidance. It is okay, this is common. Talk to a therapist about the function of these thoughts. What purpose are they serving? What role are they playing? What is the feeling behind this thought? The loss of a relationship can also cause past attachment wounds to resurface. If you’ve experienced forms of neglect, abandonment, isolation, or mis-attunement in your life. Then you may be faced with some painful emotions that are paired with painful memories. That is normal, and is an invitation for processing. Explore ways you can feel safe when processing these emotions.

Let go of communication: This is one of the most important steps, and yes this also includes access to social media. When you stop all forms of communication with your ex-partner you are giving yourself the space to heal. Sometimes it can feel easier to hold on, then to let go. If you are having difficulty, be gentle with yourself. Ask yourself, what is difficult about letting go of communication? What are you afraid of if you let go? What feels easier about holding on?

A final important note- they call it a “heartbreak” for a reason. Experiencing loss in this form impacts our neurobiology. Cortisol peaks during a breakup, and those addictive honeymoon hormones that are present at the start. Well, they plummet at the end. Our brains can experience a sense of withdrawal as a result.

This can also be a reason for the lack of sleep, loss of appetite, or overall physiological discomfort. It can feel like your heart is actually breaking. What you are going through is normal, and always remember you are not alone. We have a wonderful team who can help you process your heart break. Reach out to our intake coordinators to find a therapist who can support you.

Additional Resources:

How To Fix a Broken Heart: Guy Winch - TedTalk

Heartbreak: There is a scientific reason why they feel so rotten

3 Tips That Can Improve Your Relationship Right Away

Relationships are connective and complex. They can sometimes hold dialectical meaning. When something like this is filled with so much nuance, we then try to find answers to make sense of it. We might turn to relationship experts, self help books, or intensive workshops. I am here to break the news that not even the experts have it all figured out. Why? Because there is no one size fits all solution.

Your relationship story is unique to you and your partner. However, the relationship is just a new chapter in our own story. We all bring our own story to a relationship. Now, imagine starting a book halfway through and not having the details of the previous chapters. That’s a big part of relationships. Getting to know your partner’s previous chapters. That requires work, time, and effort.

The good news is that it can turn into a beautifully connective and even exciting experience. I am always telling my clients that relationships are containers for growth. They force us to go back, re-read, and engage with our previous chapters. Maybe ones that we wanted to keep closed tight. However, in order to be in a relationship, we must explore those chapters. So, while I certainly don’t have all the answers. Here are 3 tips that can hopefully improve your relationship. With a note that these tips will permeate into action for each person and their relationship differently, because of your stories.

Tip #1 - Turn Towards Each Other

You can take this one literally and figuratively. Imagine your loved one sitting next to you on the couch and they let out a deep, “sigh”. That is called a bid for connection. A sigh can be a signal for stress or exhaustion. There is a story there and maybe your partner wants to talk about it. This is your moment to turn towards them on the couch and say, “what’s going on, want to talk about it?” Another example of a bid for connection is a more direct one like a wink or slap on the bum. Smile, laugh, give them a wink back and engage with their bids. This shows your partner over and over again that you see them, hear them, and want to know more.

Tip #2 - Seek to Understand

Arguments happen in relationships. This fact may make the conflict “avoiders” squirm in their seats. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. Part of getting better at conflict is tolerating the discomfort. Another part is tolerating your partner’s point of view, especially when you don’t agree with it. You don’t have to agree with it. What matters most is that your partner feels understood. There is likely a chapter in their book that you get to learn from. So seek to understand that chapter a bit more. Ask questions like, “I want to understand, can you help me understand?”, or “what do you wish I knew about how you are feeling?”

Tip #3- Create Intention

The first couple of months in a relationship is exciting. You’ve got the benefit of the honeymoon hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine) firing away. Yep, that neurochemistry is a real thing. However, over time we settle into our relationship and it begins to require a little more effort. Just like anything in life, if you move about with little thought behind your choices it starts to feel like you are going through the motions. That is why intention is everything. Make an intention to spend uninterrupted quality time with each other. Not just any type of quality time, but the quality time that means something to you as a couple. Do you love to try new foods? Pick out an adventurous recipe from a specific cuisine. Then, go to a special market that holds those high quality ingredients. Sit down and make an intention to have a thoughtful conversation while you dine your new dish. Date night aside, carve out time to make time for your relationship. Set an intention to talk about the good and hard parts of where the relationship is. Maybe make an intention to fill up your partner’s love language cup on any given day. Shower them with surprise notes if they love words of affirmation. Get creative and surprise them. A little bit goes a long way with some intention.

Want a relationship tip bonus?

Check out Dr. John Gottman’s breakdown of relational bids, The Building Blocks for Connection.