Am I Doing Boundaries Right in My Relationships?

Boundaries have become a frequent topic of conversation both within therapy and outside of it: on social media, in the workplace, between family members, between friends. It’s important to create clarity in a relationship about how you want to be treated, and how you want to treat others. But it’s hard work to set healthy, effective boundaries in your relationships, especially if you grew up in a family or a culture where your needs weren’t considered, or you watched a parent or caregiver navigate life without setting healthy boundaries for themselves—with you, with another adult or family member, or maybe even their job. 

It’s especially hard to set boundaries when you’re holding misconceptions about what boundaries are in a relationship and how they work. 

The Biggest Misconception About Setting Relationship Boundaries

The biggest misconception I see in my therapy practice is the belief that boundaries are a way of controlling how other people act towards you. The truth is, you can’t control other peoples’ behavior. 

For example, if you were to tell your parent or partner, “Hey, I need you to stop talking to me that way,” chances are that they will continue to speak to you the way in which  they always have, and the outcome of hurtful behavior and hurt feelings won’t change. 

But if you were to say to them, “When you talk to me in this way, it really hurts my feelings. If you continue to talk to me that way in the future, I’m going to end the conversation and I’ll follow up with you when I’m ready to talk” — that is a real boundary that focuses on what you are able to control: your own behavior. It sets a clear expectation with the other person about how you will respond and gives them a clear choice to continue their behavior, or change. 

Boundaries are about how you respond to others, not how you control others. 

Tips for Setting Good Boundaries: 

If you want to create healthy boundaries in your relationships, there are three key steps: 

1. First, get clear with yourself on your feelings, the boundaries you need to set, and when/how to communicate them. It may help to ask yourself questions and journal your responses, or talk through it with a therapist: 

• Connect with your feelings: When they say or do [X behavior], how does it make you feel? Why?

• Choose your response: What actions (on your part) feel reasonable in response to their behavior? Are you hanging up the phone, sending a short text explaining that you’re not going to continue the conversation, or leaving their presence if you’re face-to-face? 

• Set a timeline: are you going to wait until they say or do the hurtful behavior again for you to address it, or are you going to bring it up proactively so that hopefully, it doesn’t happen again?

2. Communicate your feelings. The other person needs to know how their behavior makes you feel so they can understand why the boundary is being set.

3. Communicate your boundary. In other words, set clear expectations with the other person about what you're going to do differently in response to the hurtful behavior if it continues. Clear boundaries can best be framed as an “If / then” statement, e.g., “If you continue to speak to me this way, then I will have to end the conversation and take some space until I’m ready to talk.” 

4. Follow through with the boundary. Respond how you said you would, even if it’s painful. When we don’t follow through on our boundaries, people won’t take them seriously. 

Why is Following Through on Boundaries So Hard? 

The good and bad news about relationship boundaries is that we have the agency to change our relationships—and our lives—when we set them. It can be emotionally painful to take that step and follow through with hanging up the phone and going a period of time without contacting someone, especially someone close to you. Maybe that’s why so many of us wish boundaries were about controlling the other person’s behavior: because then we’re off the hook to make a painful choice and change the dynamic. But that mindset only leads to frustration and resentment. 

When we choose to set healthy boundaries we’re opening ourselves up to the possibility of healthy relationships in the future—not only in the relationship we’re setting this boundary for right now, but for other relationships as well. Every time we set the boundary and follow through, we’re establishing our agency and building the emotional resilience to keep choosing healthy boundaries in the future.

Do You Need Help Setting Healthy Boundaries? 

If you’re struggling to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships, you’re not alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and build the emotional strength to make meaningful change in your life. There are many different therapy methodologies that might help with boundary setting, such as relational therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Acceptance and commitment therapy, and others. 

At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. If you need help with boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

How To Recognize,Treat, and Prevent Burnout

Burnout is a reaction to prolonged or chronic stress. Burnout symptoms can be difficult to recognize when we are focused on multitasking, which is why it is important that we are checking in with ourselves on how we are feeling. Some burnout symptoms include feeling exhausted, empty, and unable to cope with daily life. When we are experiencing burnout it is very easy to feel out of tune with your emotions and feel mentally exhausted. The mental exhaustion can also show up as physical exhaustion and the feeling of always feeling tired and difficulty with sleep. Burnout can also manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, back pain, and getting sick often.

5 Tips to Prevent Burnout

1. Get in the habit of frequent emotional check-ins especially on stressful days.

2. Make sure that you are practicing self care

3. Include breaks throughout the day.

4. Prioritize sleep. 

5. Remind yourself that it is okay to reach out for support if needed.

Burnout is Treatable

• The first step to treating burnout is to be  gentle with yourself and not beat yourself up..Burnout is normal - not a moral failure.

• Remind yourself that it can help to talk to someone and get support, whether that is a friend, mental health professional, or someone else you trust.

• Make sure to allow yourself to slow down and give yourself time to recover; rest is vital to be able to treat burnout.

• Set boundaries for yourself to make sure that you are managing your time and energy in a healthy way.

Today’s Problem - Yesterday’s Survival

Imagine the first time a client enters a therapist's office, revealing years of self-medicating trauma and anxiety by way of alcohol and drugs. Shame hangs heavy in these moments, with the focus fixed solely on breaking free from dependence and addiction. Yet, as therapists, we are attuned to a deeper truth - that these problematic behaviors were once functional survival mechanisms, borne out of pain. The troublesome coping skills you are faced with today at one time served a crucial purpose.  

The coping journey from function to detriment can manifest in different ways: substance abuse, disordered eating, addictions, avoidance, people-pleasing, isolation, etc. Regardless of the coping mechanism and the pain they may be causing you today, at one point they served a purpose.

Self-compassion is essential as a starting point - you were (and are) doing the best you can to try to manage distressing emotions by whatever means necessary even if self-destructive over time. You didn’t set out to develop a maladaptive approach to life or relationships - you were trying to survive a painful experience. 

The good news is that there are other ways to attend to and manage distress outside of the coping skills you cultivated across the lifespan. We must address the underlying problem and the problematic solutions. In therapy you can uncover not only the why but also the how to approach challenges or situations in a more sustainable way that aligns with your values.

Addressing "Unsolvable" Problems in Relationships

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, 69% of problems that relationships face are actually perpetual or unsolvable problems. The good news is no you are not doomed for, and no you are absolutely not alone. What are examples of unsolvable problems might you ask? Many involve personality or character traits that are simply not changeable, but can also be the very parts of your partner that you fell in love with. They can also include core value topics like politics and religion.

Name the Problem

The first step is to name the issue that is getting between you and your partner. When we externalize the issue, and identify it as the problem that is getting between you. Then it pulls away from the mindset that there is something inherently wrong within each of you. The problem is the back and forth, escalated chain reaction involving a topic that is simply not solvable. Is it a topic of financial differences, where one is more fiscally conservative, and the other likes to spend more freely? Identify what the core differences are, and track what it looks like when things start to get heated.

Get Curious

It can be so difficult to navigate an issue when there are core values and firmly held beliefs wrapped up in so many different layers. However, instead of using these tough moments as a time to dig your heels in, and argue your stance. Shift your mindset to acknowledge that this is an opportunity to get to know your partner on a deeper level. There is nothing more powerful than to see and be seen. Plan for an intentional conversation, take a deep breath, and just listen. If you notice the conversation getting heated, then use these simple tips to help de-escalate.  

Below are some examples of questions you can ask to understand your partner’s stance. Think open ended, Who, What, When, Where, How?

• How were finances handled in your home growing up?

• When did you first learn about handling finances?

• Who taught you about finances?

• What values are tied to how you think about finances?

• What dreams do you have for your life where money needs to be considered?

• What ethical beliefs do you have surrounding money?

• What stories from your past that involve money are important for me to know?

• What would you like me to understand about this topic?

• What are your needs? How can I support you?

Create a Plan

Once you have taken the time to understand each other. Then, it is time to tackle the problem together, and find a win-win solution. First, identify your core needs. If saving at least 20% of your salary meets your need of having a sense of financial security, communicate that. If you have a dream of splurging on a vacation once a year to satisfy your need for adventure, speak up. In relationships, we sometimes envision compromise as giving something up. Instead, consider the things you cannot compromise on, then work on your areas of flexibility from there. Areas of flexibility might look like traveling on off peak days, finding a cheaper gym membership, carving out “spend as you please” money from your budget, or annual garage sales. Two heads are better than one when it comes to creative solutions, and the cherry on top is getting to know your partner even better!

Additional Reading: The Gottman Institute: What to Do When You Disagree

A Simple Reflection Tool To Help You "Spring" Into Action

Spring has arrived.  The time of year when the simple sight of daffodils gives us hope!  

We are reminded: If those delicate flowers can come to life after a bitterly cold winter, we too can bloom.  

This Spring feels a little different . . .maybe the end of three years of Winter?  

There are a lot of ways to describe the last 3 years. I still reference things that happened “just the other day” only to be reminded the event occurred in 2019 or early 2020.  Many of us felt the blur of the pandemic; life went on, but the edges weren’t clear.  Our children, our pets, our parents, WE got older–but time also stood still–milestones muted, growth stunted, and goals abandoned. 

But Spring has arrived and it is time for change. 

Those blurred edges have given way to a deep desire to mark progress.  Many people are searching for ways to see, or measure, progress within themselves.    

Change happens, but only when we decide to act.   

If you are feeling the blurred edges of life and want some clarity for change, try this simple exercise to Spring into action: “Stop. Start. Continue.”  

One year from today – what does your ideal life look like? 

To begin, you will need three blank sheets of paper. 

1)  Label one “STOP” the second “START” and the third “CONTINUE”. 

2)  Leave your phone and find a space with no distractions. Sit quietly.  Be prepared to be honest, open and real with yourself.  

ASK: What do you want in your life that you do not have now?  What is your ideal self and situation? 

Some of us may have trouble envisioning that life.  If so, look around you – who do you admire?  Is there a friend or colleague or instagram person you find yourself admiring or – envying?   Own those feelings.  Envy isn’t necessarily a bad emotion–use it as a tool.  Think of it as inspiration.  What about their life do you want for yours? 

REFLECT: On the STOP paper, write down all of the things you need to stop doing in order to have the life you envision.  Consider: Are there people you should not spend time with anymore?  What about destructive/unproductive activities?  Consumption of . . .? Habits? Be honest with yourself.  

EXPLORE:  On the START paper, write down actions you must take to be the person you envision in a year.  Don’t be overwhelmed, these are starting points. Consider actions which align with the person you imagine, not who you are today.  

CELEBRATE: On the CONTINUE paper, write down your actions and habits which make you feel proud and bring you joy.  What is working?  Be sure to record what you are already doing well! 

REVIEW:  STOP. START. CONTINUE. 

Before you is an outline for change. 

I did not invent this exercise.  But I love the simplicity and effectiveness.

I understand some of it looks difficult, and you may not “feel like doing it.” It is difficult to start.  Stop listening to your feelings and act. Feelings don’t last. Actions do. Act on your desire for change.  

Today, the edges are blurred, but actions solidify desires.  If you keep waiting until you “feel like it” – you will never bloom into the person you imagine.  

Welcome to Spring.  The season for change.