​​Belonging, Healing, and the Words That Carry Us Home

The Question Beneath the Question

In my therapy work with expats, a question often arises: “Should I stay in the U.S.? And if I do, what will that mean for me?” On the surface, it’s a practical question about visas, jobs, or futures. But beneath it is something deeper: a longing for belonging and authenticity. The uncertainty of home can weigh heavily, and the ache of not knowing where one fits in can feel disorienting.

Literature often gives us words for this search. Asian-American writers, in particular, capture both the ache and beauty of living between worlds— offering not answers, but companionship.

Literature as a Mirror of Belonging

Hua Hsu, in his memoir Stay True, writes: “We were always searching for a place to belong, and in the meantime, we found it in each other.” Belonging, he reminds us, doesn’t always come from geography or paperwork. Sometimes it emerges in friendships and chosen communities that affirm who we are becoming.

Ocean Vuong echoes this in On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous: “The most beautiful part of your body is where it’s headed.” His words invite us to see belonging not as a fixed location, but as an unfolding journey.

The Emotional Landscape of Belonging

Clients often ask: If I stay, will I lose my authenticity? If I leave, am I giving something up? These questions are not just logistical— they are emotional landscapes filled with longing and loss.

Cathy Park Hong, in Minor Feelings, captures the dissonance of living in a country that doesn’t always see you clearly: “Minor feelings are the racialized emotions…built from the sediments of everyday racial experience and the irritant of having one’s perception of reality constantly questioned.” For many internationals, this describes the disorientation of being misrecognized—of trying to locate authenticity between external perception and inner truth.

Michelle Zauner, in Crying in H Mart, reminds us that belonging can also be cultivated through small rituals: “Food was how my mother expressed her love. And I dreamed of recreating that intimacy in America.” For many, the taste of a dish, a familiar song, or a phrase in their first language can ground them when everything else feels foreign.

Healing Through Story

In therapy, I’ve witnessed how clients find solace in the words of others. Reading a memoir or poem can offer a mirror: I’m not alone in this struggle. Hua Hsu’s grief for his friend in Stay True is deeply personal, yet universal—reminding us that we heal in the act of remembering, in holding onto the threads of connection.

Maxine Hong Kingston captures this kind of healing beautifully: “I learned to make my mind large, as the universe is large, so that there is room for paradoxes.” Belonging is not about erasing contradictions but holding them gently. Healing means making room for both the ache of displacement and the beauty of chosen connections.

Gentle Invitations for You

If you are wrestling with belonging, here are a few invitations:

• Reflect in writing: Where do you feel most at home— in your body, in memory, in a place, or with certain people?

• Seek resonance: Explore the works by writers like Hua Hsu, Ocean Vuong, Cathy Park Hong, Michelle Zauner, or Maxine Hong Kingston. Check out our recommended reading list below for links to their work. Notice which words echo your journey.

• Create ritual: Food, music, language, or community gatherings can become anchors of belongings, wherever you are.

Recommended Reading List

Ocean Vuong – On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous
Cathy Park Hong – Minor Feelings
Michelle Zauner – Crying in H Mart
Jhumpa Lahiri – In Other Words
Maxine Hong Kingston – The Woman Warrior
Li-Young Lee – Rose (poetry)

Belonging as Practice

The question “Should I stay?” often transforms into a deeper one: “How do I belong, wherever I am?”

Literature reminds us that belonging may not be a destination but a practice— an act of weaving together memory, identity, and chosen connection. And in therapy, as in literature, we come to see that healing is not about erasing dislocation, but about learning how to belong to ourselves while finding spaces where we are seen and loved.

Mental Health Support for Expats and Immigrants in Chicago

Exploring questions of belonging and making decisions about where you build your life can feel like a lonely process. At ECC Chicago, our therapists strive to understand each client’s unique journey, and we are committed to providing culturally responsive care. Our team comes from diverse, multicultural backgrounds, and we offer multilingual therapy here in Spanish, Mandarin, Thai, and Korean, both in person and online. If you are seeking therapists with cultural humility who can walk alongside you through the challenges of being an expat or immigrant, we’re here to support you. 

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

How to Respond When Someone Asks, ‘What Do You Believe Now?'

If you’ve experienced religious trauma, you know that conversations about your beliefs can feel like walking into a minefield. Whether it’s a curious friend, a concerned family member, or someone from your former faith community, the question, “What do you believe now?” can bring up waves of anxiety, frustration, or exhaustion. You may feel pressure to explain yourself, defend your choices, or avoid the topic altogether. In this post, we’ll explore kind, practical ways to respond that honor your boundaries, protect your emotional well-being, and engage (or disengage) in a way that feels safe for you.

First, Keep the Question Asker's Intent in Mind

When a person asks what you believe now, pausing to consider their relationship to you and their intent can help you decide how and whether to engage in the conversation. Are they expressing genuine curiosity, or are they fishing for a debate? Based on what you know of their beliefs, do you anticipate that they'll be supportive of you, or will they try to persuade you to see things their way? Have you been in similar conversations with them before and felt dismissed or trapped? Even if they have genuine concern for you and your wellbeing rooted in religious dogma that makes them fear for your eternal well-being, that concern may lead to a conversation where you feel added pressure to agree with their views.

Remember: You Have Many Options for How to Respond

Having considered the question asker's intent, remember: you have options for how you respond. You do not have to provide an exact recounting of your religious or spiritual evolution, deconstruction, or de-conversion! In fact, this may not be safe given the asker's intent or relationship with you. Your response can vary from open and vulnerable to guarded and boundaried while still remaining honest. 

Here are three ways you can respond when someone asks what you believe now: 

Boundaried: "It's an important journey, but I'm in a solid place right now. Thanks for asking." This response acknowledges that your beliefs have evolved without being specific, and it articulates that regardless of what other people might think if they knew your beliefs you feel stable, which is what matters. This response might be best for someone you have a hard time trusting, who may have put pressure on you in the past to conform to their beliefs, like a parent or a community leader. If they continue to prod, stay boundaried with a response like, “I really appreciate you asking, but it’s a tough topic for me to talk about. Maybe someday I’ll be ready to share more, but not right now.”

Redirect & Explore: "It’s been a journey! How about you? What do you believe now? Is it different from how you were raised?" This response again acknowledges that your beliefs have evolved without going in depth, and allows the question-asker to share insights on their beliefs so that you can continue to evaluate intent and emotional safety. This makes it a great option for casual acquaintances or people from your faith community you may have not interacted with in awhile. 

Open & Vulnerable: "I was raised to believe [X.] I have since been exploring alternatives to this belief system including [Y & Z] and grappling with the impacts of being raised in [X] belief system." Save this response for the people you feel confident discussing this with, who have demonstrated shared beliefs and values. 

Look for Opportunities to Strengthen Your Sense of Self

These questions, against the backdrop of religious trauma, can feel particularly painful and dangerous. In the past, answering a question like "what do you believe?" with something other than full-throated support for the fundamentals of your religious community might have led to punishment from a parent, alienation from important relationships and the broader community, or other consequences like losing jobs, funding, and housing. Your brain and your body are still working on healing from that fear of consequences for answering questions like this honestly. There still may be a risk of relational consequences, which is one reason way boundaries help -- they allow you the opportunity to maintain connection with people who may disagree with you, while still honoring your own need for space. 

These questions can also provide other opportunities to clarify your beliefs, heal the pain of suppressed parts of yourself, or even discover that the question asker may have similar experiences, allowing you to share newfound camaraderie and mutual support.  

Religious Trauma Therapy Near You

Healing from religious trauma is a deeply personal journey, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. A therapist who understands the unique challenges of untangling harmful beliefs, setting healthy boundaries, and rebuilding a sense of self can provide the tools, validation, and support you need. If conversations about your beliefs leave you feeling drained or unsafe, therapy can offer a safe space to process those experiences and practice new ways of responding. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward reclaiming your voice and living in alignment with your own values.

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

“Who Am I? Where Do I Fit In?” How Cultural Expectations and Trauma Shape Immigrant Identity

“I feel like I am living for the past 15 years of my professional life in the whipped cream. The whipped cream is not what you expect, but when it comes, it is all extra. I've been living in the extra.”
— Ocean Vuong, Vietnamese American poet 

Ocean Vuong’s words speak to the layered reality many immigrants experience— particularly those whose families arrived in the United States seeking safety, opportunity, or simply survival. For many immigrants, especially those from developing nations or lower socioeconomic backgrounds, the definition of a “good life” is humble: having enough food, a roof over your head, and the ability to live another day. Yet in modern Western society, such a life is often viewed as insufficient, unambitious—even a failure.

Navigating two cultures is never easy. Immigrants and their children often face implicit or overt shame simply for being “different.” The culture they carry with them—embedded in language, customs, and even in something as simple as food—can be met with judgment. Many remember moments from childhood when they felt embarrassed bringing home-cooked meals to school, only to be ridiculed for unfamiliar smells or flavors.

The Grief of Identity: When Belonging Feels Elusive

There is a unique kind of grief that arises when you realize how your appearance, accent, culture, or even fashion choices influence how others perceive and treat you. It’s not just about “fitting in”; it’s about reconciling the multiple layers of who you are.

Second-generation immigrants often voice a deep identity conflict: For instance, “I’m not Asian enough in my country of origin because I grew up in the U.S., but I’m not American enough here either.”

These feelings of not being “enough” stem from many sources: historical trauma, racialization, and generational misunderstandings. Adolescents, especially, may feel torn between wanting to fit in with peers and preserving their cultural identity. Over time, as they conform and find belonging among their peers, the shame may fade—but another emotion creeps in: loss.

There is a quiet mourning for the parts of self that are suppressed in the process of assimilation. Despite outward confidence and friendships, many still carry a sense of disconnection. They feel as though they’re performing a version of themselves. Some come to realize they may never fully fit in—due to an invisible, deeply rooted barrier shaped by history and power.

Healing does not require erasing the barrier entirely—but it does ask us to name it, to say: “I see it, and I want to understand.” No one should have to carry the burden of bridging the cultural gap alone.

The Legacy of Trauma: How Past Pain Shapes Family Life

Immigrant families often carry histories shaped by poverty, war, displacement, political persecution, or natural disasters. These experiences leave a deep imprint—not just on those who directly endured them, but on future generations. Trauma shows up in parenting, family roles, and communication patterns.

This can create emotional distance between generations. Children, especially those raised in the host culture, may find themselves more emotionally aware or fluent than their parents, yet feel unseen or misunderstood at home.

First-generation immigrant struggles may include:

• Maintaining relationships with family in their home country, despite vastly different lived experiences.

• Coping with guilt or grief from witnessing continued suffering back home.

• Building a new support system in a host culture with different values around closeness and autonomy.
  

Children of immigrants often bear additional burdens:

• Serving as language brokers and cultural translators.

• Feeling responsible for their family’s upward mobility.

• Navigating unspoken expectations to succeed while suppressing their own needs or emotional pain.

These layered roles can leave both generations feeling isolated, living under the same roof but in vastly different emotional worlds.

Healing Across Generations: Reclaiming Voice and Identity

Healing from cultural and generational trauma is a non-linear and deeply personal journey. It requires reckoning with what was lost and rediscovering what can be reclaimed. Therapeutic support can be a vital companion along the way. A culturally-responsive therapist can help you explore and reconcile the different parts of your identity as an immigrant or child of immigrants. Here are some therapy practices that can support this healing process for immigrants and children of immigrants: 

1. Foster understanding. Each family and cultural history is unique. Gaining clarity about the historical and generational context of your experiences can help you make sense of what happened—and recognize that it wasn’t your fault.

2. Recognize and care for your inner parts. Identify the parts of yourself that carry emotional wounds. Gently unblend from those "exiled" parts holding trauma, and approach them with curiosity, compassion, and care.

3. Connect with others. You are not alone in this process. Seek out relationships or communities where you feel safe and supported in your emotional vulnerability.

4. Cultivate body awareness. Trauma lives in the nervous system. Attending to your somatic experiences can help you develop both physical and emotional safety.

5. Explore meaning. Reflect on how you make sense of what happened to you and your family. Reclaim your narrative in a way that feels empowering and aligned with your truth.

6. Affirm agency. Acknowledge the impact of systemic oppression while empowering yourself to reclaim your voice, challenge internalized shame, and co-create spaces of collective care.

Culturally-Responsive Therapy for Immigrant Experiences

Who am I? Where do I belong? These questions are not signs of confusion or weakness—they are the beginning of healing. They emerge when we dare to hold the contradictions of our identity and honor the fullness of our experience.

To immigrants and children of immigrants navigating these questions: you are not alone. Your grief is valid. Your voice matters. And your story is worth telling— not just for yourself, but for the generations to come.

At ECC Chicago, all of our therapists are committed to providing culturally-responsive care to help you explore how your cultural identity is impacting your mental health and relationships. We offer multilingual therapy in Spanish, Mandarin, and Korean, both in person and online. If you’re looking for culturally competent therapy near you, we’re here to help. 

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Loving From a Distance: Boundaries & Estrangement with Difficult Parents

Setting boundaries with a parent can feel confusing, painful, and even taboo, especially if you were raised to "honor thy father and mother." Maybe your parent dismisses your feelings, crosses emotional or physical boundaries, or makes you feel responsible for their moods. If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. In fact, estrangement between adult children and their parents is on the rise in the U.S. In this post, we'll unpack why child-parent estrangement is becoming more common, how to set boundaries with your parents if you're experiencing conflict, and how to know when to go low- or no-contact. 

Why is Estrangement Between Parents and Children Becoming More Common? 

A 2022 study found that roughly one in four adults are estranged from at least one parent: six percent of respondents reported being estranged from their mothers, while another 26% reported being estranged from their father. Most respondents of the study were in their early 20s when they became estranged from their parent(s). So what's driving this rise in estrangement? Estrangement is very personal and unique to each relationship, but there are some commonalities across gender, race, and family background, such as:

• Evolving Definitions of Harm or Trauma: In his book, "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict," clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman cites research on the evolving definition of trauma over the last 30 years or so; experiences that used to be accepted as normal or harmless are now seen for the emotional or psychological damage they can inflict on a person, even if that damage was unintentional. 

• Political Differences: In a Harris Poll released after the 2024 election, just one in five respondents directly attributed their estrangement directly to political differences. For most people, the political differences are just one contributing factor in the bigger picture, or a symptom of a deeper rift.

• Patterns of Dysfunction & Abuse: As young adults mature and form their own identities separate from their families, it is common to experience a perspective shift on familial dynamics that were once tolerated or considered normal and begin to recognize recurring patterns. 

What Defines a Toxic Parent

Recognizing patterns of dysfunction and abuse may be hard to come to grips with, especially if one parent’s behavior is tolerated by many people in the family. Personal experiences can feel subjective, especially in a society that often teaches children to suppress their emotions. When you reflect on painful interactions with your parents, a part of you might be wondering, am I just more sensitive than everyone else in my family? How do I know that it’s “abuse”? I know other people have had it worse than me, but what my parent(s) did still hurt. Is this really trauma? 

Identifying the harm and naming the behavior for what it is is an important part of the process of rebuilding self-trust, agency in your relationship with your parents, and healing the wound. Despite what you might have been told by your parent or family member, there are objective signs that your parent is engaging in toxic behavior toward you, such as:

• They try to control your behavior

• They lack concern for and are dismissive of your feelings 

• They offer excessive criticism 

• They make you feel bad about yourself 

• They don’t support or celebrate you 

• They physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse you

Do any of these signs feel familiar? Even if your parent(s) checks all the boxes of toxic behavior, you may not want to distance yourself completely. Parent-child relationships, like all relationships, exist on a spectrum of closeness. There are many points along that spectrum between close and estranged. You can start by setting clear and firm boundaries, and if they have a hard time respecting your boundaries or continue to exhibit toxic behavior, you can choose to go low-contact (limited interactions, staying somewhere else instead of at their house when visiting family, etc). 

How to Set Boundaries with Toxic Parents

As psychotherapist Prentis Hemphill wisely said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” With that in mind, here are some steps to help you set and maintain boundaries that protect your well-being while navigating a difficult relationship with a parent.

• Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and difficult, especially if this is a new dynamic, but following through is incredibly important. Reflect on your needs and values, what you feel comfortable with, and what feels both accessible and enforceable. 

• Remember that you do not have to go all or nothing, and you can start slow. This can be a process. Be gentle with yourself and any conflicting emotions you feel. 

• Clearly communicate your expectations to your parent(s) and how you will respond if your boundaries aren’t respected. 

• Be direct without being cruel or dismissive. Boundary work can support breaking intergenerational cycles of emotional and physical harm, so while any anger, hurt, or resentment you feel is absolutely valid and deserves space, approach this with a focus of caring for yourself and acting in alignment with your values. 

• Boundaries can be hard to accept, so your parent(s) may lash out. Don’t feel like you need to debate or adjust the expectations you’ve set to accommodate their feelings or displeasure. Remember that boundaries are not about hurting someone else; they’re about reinforcing that you are worthy of respect, care, and relationships that support you. 

• Be firm and consistent. If you want your parent(s) to respect your boundaries, you need to respect your own boundaries first. 

When to Go Limited or No Contact 

Recognizing when a relationship has become too damaging is difficult, especially when it involves a parent. If you're wondering whether it's time to go low- or no-contact, here are some signs that distance may be the healthiest choice.

• If physical, emotional, or verbal abuse persists

• If you continue to set boundaries that are violated or not respected 

• If your parent(s) continues to invalidate your feelings 

• If you find yourself feeling perpetually exhausted, overwhelmed, and uncared for in communication and engagement with your parent(s)

• If you’ve made attempts to repair the relationship but your parent(s) is unwilling to change

Therapy Support for Painful Parental Relationships

Going limited or no-contact is a complicated decision, but sometimes, despite best efforts, it’s the next step in the process of protecting yourself. The consequences can be very emotionally devastating, and it’s normal for there to be feelings of grief and loss, even with the shifting or ending of toxic relationships. Give yourself permission and space to feel those feelings and take care of them, as well as yourself. 

The most important thing to remember is that you are worthy of respectful, caring relationships. You don’t have to cope with painful parental relationships alone. If you’re struggling to set boundaries with your parent(s), advocate for yourself and your needs in family settings, or you’re grieving estrangement, our therapists at ECC are here to help. We'll match you with the right therapist and therapy approach to help you process your experiences and find healthy ways to communicate and honor your needs. 

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Building Community in a Divided Society

American society is divided and polarized in our beliefs and perspectives, now more than ever. This can present unique challenges around connecting with others who we may not view as “like us” in our thought processes or belief systems, and this isolation can negatively impact our mental health. In this blog post, we’ll explore how to find community in a divided world, and why community is so important to our mental well-being. 

Americans Feel Divided, Even in Their Own Communities

If you live in the U.S. right now, you’ve probably noticed the division and polarization happening in society right now, so this data may come as no surprise: Americans are less likely than people abroad to feel close to others in their country and community, according to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey of 24 nations. Even fewer Americans feel close to people in their local community: 54% feel a connection to others near them, compared with a median of 78% of adults across all 24 countries. 

When there are differences among people which cause conflict, it is typically recommended that we name and talk about the differences in order to facilitate better understanding of each others’ perspectives; however, when talking about the issue doesn’t lead to better understanding or gaining a sense of empathy for someone else, we can feel even more isolated and alone.

What is Community? 

Our sense of community can be broken down into four elements: 

• Membership defines who is in the community and who is out. It shows that people value the sense of belonging which comes with being identified as a member. Fan clubs are an extreme example of the power of membership and are often characterized by symbols of membership such as badges and t-shirts. A professional association, another example of a community of practice, might have formal membership requirements such as fees and exams before you can join. 

• Influence is the notion that “my voice counts.”  When you speak, others listen and often act on your advice. 

• Fulfillment of needs – people belong to communities to satisfy one or more needs. In a community of practice, a common need is to get better at one’s job or profession. 

• Emotional connection includes shared history, shared participation, and identification with that history, and a deeply felt connection between members. It is the most nebulous aspect of our sense of community, but still very important. 

(Source: Sense of Community: A Definition and Theory, David W. McMillan and David M. Chavis, Journal of Community Psychology, Volume 14, 1986)

It’s clear from data like that of the Pew Research study that for most Americans, one or more of these four elements are missing from our sense of community within our communities. Why we feel that way is a topic of much debate (and we won’t get to the bottom of it in this blog post), but regardless, the lack of community can have adverse mental health outcomes.

How Lack of Community Impacts Mental Health

As humans, we are wired to need interpersonal connection in order to survive. Community is an essential part of our health, both mental and physical. 

According to a National Institute of Health study (2023), compared with those who report a positive sense of community, those with a negative sense of community had significantly higher odds of reporting depression, anxiety and stress symptoms. 

Without a more defined sense of community, we can often put more stress on our interpersonal relationships or our job to give us all of the connection and fulfillment that we need, leading to greater stress and interpersonal conflict.  

What We Can Do to Rebuild Our Sense of Community

Given the state of the world and American society right now, it’s more important than ever to try and rebuild a sense of community, for our own sake as well as others, hopefully with a ripple effect of healing our broader sense of division and isolation as a country.

Here are some steps you can take to rebuild community in your own life: 

• Try to find a group of like minded people with whom you can interact regularly in person. To fulfill our need for connection and membership in a group, it is essential to have friends, colleagues, or others who share values and interests and with whom you can interact with regularly IRL, or offline. 

• Limit social media usage and engaging in online debates that can lead to more anger, hatred, and tendency toward bias. Besides, when has arguing online ever led to a productive conversation or someone changing their mind?

• Engage in an activity that benefits others and is meaningful to you. This doesn’t have to be political, and even if you aren’t able to do it as regularly as you’d like to, it can still help you rebuild a sense of influence, or ability to create positive change, which is key to your sense of community. 

• Avoiding divisive topics, while generally discouraged, is sometimes necessary to maintain your own boundaries and mental health (i.e., not getting into a political debate with family on a holiday, colleagues at work, or among friends with whom you share a hobby.) Focusing on what you share in common is key to building community, and building trust and vulnerability with people so that tough conversations don’t feel so fraught. 

• Prioritize your values and regularly do things that work towards your values. This can help with many aspects of finding community, from finding fulfillment, to connecting with others who are like-minded. Whether it’s participating in a park cleanup day because you value environmental causes, or volunteering at a food bank because you’re concerned about inequality, it’s important to find ways to align your actions with your values and connect with others who are doing the same. 

We’re in This Together

You don’t have to cope with feelings of isolation alone. It’s an incredibly difficult time in our country, and there are plenty of reasons to feel worried, angry, scared, and even distrustful. If you’re feeling disconnected from community and it’s impacting your mental health, our team at ECC is here to help. We'll match you with the right therapist and therapy approach to help you process your feelings and experiences, and strategize ways to connect with others in fulfilling ways. 

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.