How to De-escalate Conflict in your Relationship

When an argument happens with your partner, you may feel a wide range of emotions such as betrayal, anger, and disbelief. Although there are several different strategies to de-escalate, therapy may be the best option if you find yourself getting stuck in the same pattern time and again. Your therapist can teach effective de-escalation and help your relationship heal and grow. One therapeutic technique that can help is utilizing effective timeouts.

Timeouts can help you and your partner de-escalate when your emotions are running high in an argument, to a place later on where you revisit in a more calm approach. Remember these four “C’s” to maximize timeouts.

• Clues- Identify clues for when a timeout is needed - some examples include feeling unsafe, emotionally overwhelmed, or “flooded”. Another clue may be when your goal is to win the argument rather than to truly listen and understand your partner. 

• Commit- Respect your partner’s request for the timeout and wait until the established time has been agreed on to revisit the discussion. Don’t push your partner to talk about the issue prematurely or when either person is feeling emotionally charged. 

• Cool down- during the break, engage in emotional self-soothing which can include going on a walk, cooking a meal, or another method to help distract you to not focus on the conflict. 

• Come back- Take at least 1 hour, but within 24 hours revisit the conflict and have a discussion with your partner. At this point, both parties should be feeling more relaxed and this is an opportunity to talk about how to improve communication, take ownership for any faults, and reconcile with your partner. 

Further reading: https://www.hopecouples.com/resources/Strategies%20for%20Working%20with%20Couples%20with%20High%20Conflict%20in%20the%20HFA.pdf 

5 tips to refresh your dating profile

Tis’ the season for online dating! According to an article written for USA Today, the Sunday after New Year’s Day is the most popular day to begin online dating. Dating apps like Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Tinder have reported the highest user engagement spiking up to 75% on “Single Sunday.” (Brown, 2019 Dating Sunday). Singles are feeling refreshed after the holiday, ready for a new year, and ready to make some connections!

There is no arguing that dating apps have revolutionized dating. To be able to meet someone new with a swipe of your fingertip is quite novel. It can be intimidating, but the intention I invite you to set as you refresh or create your dating profile is authenticity. Whether you are looking to just get to know people, striking up a friendship, or for a life partner, you want to start these relationships off on the right foot, and that is by bringing your truest self to the forefront. Why? Because YOU deserve to be loved for YOU. The following are some tips to refresh your dating profile:

Tip #1- Refresh your photos! Ditch the grainy photos from your digital camera days, and provide some fresh ones from the last year. Pick the ones where you feel like your best self. Choose photos that show you engaging in hobbies, cool places you’ve traveled to, or surrounded by those who you can be yourself around.

Tip #2-  Let’s give them something to talk about! Include details about what makes you, you. Dating apps have really great questions that allow the person on the other side to get to know you pre-match! Don’t skip these, and include your own personal touch in your bio. Do you value family? Enjoy spending your weekends relaxed by the lake? Let people know! “Would you rather” questions are also superb convo starters. For example; Would you rather get rid of books or get rid of music for the rest of time? (People are dumbfounded by this icebreaker. I am a personal book nerd here!)

Tip #3- State what you are looking for. Don’t be afraid to openly discuss your purpose for dating. Whether it be looking for a partner that could lead to long term commitment, an open relationship, or casual dating. This helps weed through those that are looking for different things. Name your values, qualities you’re looking for in a person, and your relationship vision. Something simple like, “I am looking for someone I can laugh with, who appreciates community, and is committed to growth.” Try to stray away from things you are not looking for, and focus on what you are looking for.

Tip #4- Make a profile on more than one app. Having more than one can widen your net, and each app has different benefits as well. One might have an easier layout to navigate through, some have better prompts, or a different algorithm. Experiment and see which ones fit your needs! Dating apps can lead to another phone distraction to get that dopamine hit, so be mindful of not getting too carried away.

Tip #5- Have FUN! (unrelated to your profile specifics) There can be so much pressure on finding a connection (thank you brain for trying to protect us from the threat of disconnection). We are humans who thrive off of connection, it makes sense. It is okay to validate that, and remember that this is an opportunity to meet some incredible people. They could teach you something new, even if they aren’t your person. Be open, curious, and enjoy yourself out there!

How to cope during the holidays

Family drama, financial strain, lack of routine, increases in substance use, and memories that can trigger grief and trauma - the holidays are rife with opportunities for emotional distress. Establishing a coping plan is essential to navigating the stress of the holiday season with your sanity intact. Consider the strategies below: 

1. Boundary setting is the number one skill I recommend for clients navigating the holiday season - especially those with interpersonal conflict. We have a finite amount of time and emotional resources on a given day. Consider how you can set and maintain effective boundaries this year to make the most of your time while minimizing stress. Here are some examples:

   *Instead of traveling to 4 different events over two days, consider saying “no” to 1 or 2 to allow more time to reset and rest between events. 

   *If you are visiting family that tends to be emotionally tiring, consider staying at an Airbnb this year instead of with family. Staying elsewhere provides space for alone time and rejuvenation for the next day. 

   *Conversely, if you have family staying with you strive to maintain parts of your routine - this may require setting boundaries and expectations with others. Routine and space allow you to fill your emotional reservoirs - i.e. continuing your morning walk, meditation, date night, etc. 

2. Budget - according to a Dec. 8th CNBC article, the average American is planning to spend $1000 this holiday season on gifts. No doubt this spending adds additional stress for the weeks and months ahead. Set a budget for gift-giving in advance and think about how you plan to manage the increased financial stressors pragmatically and emotionally.

3. Substance use - substance use tends to increase around the holiday season. The reasons for this are clear: increased stress, more parties and extravagance, less routine and minimal work obligations, and emotional triggers surrounding the holidays from grief, trauma, and depression. If you struggle with substance use around the holidays create a plan, seek out support from loved ones, and maintain vigilance in a difficult season. 

4. Grief & Trauma - alongside warm traditions and holiday memories exist a dark, painful underbelly for many during the holidays - painful memories of lost loved ones, trauma, and familial abuse. For loss, consider how you can honor your loved one by maintaining or establishing rituals that allow you to feel connected to those you have lost. For trauma, practice skills that help you navigate triggering events or memories - journaling, mindfulness, distraction, and anxiety management skills can all come in handy here. Do not wait for triggers to appear before applying coping skills - prevention is key.

What coping skills have worked for you during the holiday season?

Let us know in the comments below!

Is it time to stop applying the golden rule to our relationships?

Found in nearly every major religion and a cornerstone of ethics for millennia: the golden rule - to treat others as you would like to be treated - is a maxim of the ages. It is no wonder that the golden rule is oft-applied to improving our interpersonal relationships. Regularly, I find clients reducing discord in their partnerships to not following this tradition. To their surprise, I find the golden rule is often the source of many relationship issues, not the solution; I think it is time to toss this rule out the window.

Instead, I recommend treating others as they would like to be treated. Our preferences, values, needs, and wants more often than not differ from others. For example, we all have that loved one during the holiday season that offers us a gift that misses the mark - in fact, upon further examination, it seems to be a gift they would have enjoyed, not you. Partnerships function in a remarkably similar way. Everything from division of labor and finances to demonstration of affection and sexual intimacy needs re-evaluation from a framework of openly asking our partners how they would like to be treated and to set aside the projection of our wants and needs onto others. When you can accept differences, openly communicate, and provide for others what they long for you will see a remarkable improvement in your relationships.

George Bernard Shaw mirrors these sentiments well when he wrote, “Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same” and “The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.”

On Couples: Sexism in the Relationship

Disclaimer: As a couples’ therapist I’ve had experiences of witnessing and combating sexism. As a male, I have a part in witnessing and contributing to sexism. This duality is not lost and to a degree cannot be separated. This is stated in good faith to contextualize the author. Further, this blog is written to represent hetereosexual and monogamous relationships solely in order to contextualize the limited perspective which is possible within the scope of this blog. As well, some of these expressions are not only sexism, but sometimes signs of domestic violence. The context of this blog is not to be read for signs of domestic violence, but solely sexism. If you are witnessing or a victim of domestic violence seek help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233. 

As a therapist I have the opportunity to watch and listen extensively to various configurations of human relationships. The makeup of every relationship is different and manifests in different ways, but sexism is an all too frequent occurrence in relational therapy. Three main ways in which I have witnessed sexism in relational interactions is in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing. Though not every couple demonstrates all three, I often see at least one in heterosexual couples. The aim of this blog is to be able to identify some forms of sexism when it occurs in your relationship. 

Use of Tone

Tone is a unique tool in communication. It can change the context of words so easily and be misunderstood even faster. Tone in relationship to sexism is often expressed with a deeper or aggressive way then one might usually speak. This often triggers the other to physical shrink in relation to the partner using this tone. The reason this becomes sexist is in the use of the tone, not the tones themselves, for the purpose of putting the other partner in a submissive/one down position. A way to combat this is to aim for communication to not occur using these tones. If one partner is exhibiting an aggressive or deeper tone than usual, it is a signal that communication is not constructive and to take a moment to slow things down so as to make a mindful decision about continuing to talk or ceasing to do so. 

Physical Positioning

As mentioned previously, physical positioning often is a response to tone, though not always. Often physical positioning comes in two forms; towering and aggression. Towering is when one physically positions themselves in a taller position than their partner (on rare occasions, the sexist partner will shrink, yet use a tone as a way to combat being seen as sexist), while aggression is often expressed by clenching fists/teeth, or moving to a fighting posture. The reason this becomes sexist is that it is used to dominate over the other partner and make them appear to be stronger than the other. A way to combat these behaviors of sexism is to sit down and keep a relaxed posture. This creates a more equal ground to express ourselves. When equality is broken in a relationship, it is a warning sign to take pause. 

Emotional Policing

Out of the three ways sexism may occur in a relationship, this one is often unseen by partners. As it has no physical marker usually, it is harder to pick up on. Emotional policing is when certain emotions are only allowed to be expressed by one partner and not the other on the factor of biological sex. Often this manifests as cis-females being permitted to use sadness and not express anger, and the inverse is true for cis-males. A more subtle expression of emotional policing is telling the partner how they may or may not feel or express emotions. A way to combat this sexism is by disentangling the beliefs that individuals hold around expression and feeling their emotions. All humans experience the emotional spectrum and therefore are allowed to express their emotions in a safe and constructive way. 

Sexism is often something that comes into the therapy room and lives in relationships. Though not exhaustive, I hope that this blog can help you identify sexist behaviors in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing, while giving you a starting point to address sexism in your relationship. Furthering understanding is the best way to start overcoming a problem. Below I have listed several resources to begin or continue your journey in addressing sexism in your relationship:

Articles & Blogs:

Susan Madsen writes about types of sexism in the workplace. Beginning to understand Hostile and Benevolent Sexism is not only beneficial in the workspace, but also in relationships.

Aleksandra Nasteska writes about inequalities due to sexism in Western Culture that affect relationships. Exploring ways that sexism manifests in relationships and ways to overcome the Us/Them dynamic are useful in addressing sexism in relationships.

Books:

Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (1949) is one of the influential works of Second-Wave Feminism. This philosophical writing is the blend between philosophy, personal experience and fiction to illustrate the inequalities that sexism has and does produce.

John Stuart Mill’s The Subjection of Women (1869) is one of the oldest explicit Feminist Philosophy texts. Written with his wife, then his daughter after his wife’s death. The Mills argue that sex-equality is essential for a society to be able to call itself a Good Society.