Meta-Emotions: Having Feelings about your Feelings

Picture This

Two friends Paul and Marty are out for a coffee catching up about life and work. At some point near the end of their catch up, Marty mentions a recent promotion - a promotion Paul himself had been vying for as well (unbeknownst to Marty). This sparked immediate jealousy in Paul. Slowly after his initial glimmer of envy, Paul quickly began to become angry toward himself for feeling jealous, which spirals him into self-shame and deeper despair. He thinks to himself, ”how can I be feeling this way? I am such a “bad friend”.”

Do you envision this moment and think to yourself, “wow I can relate”? Yep, us too! We refer to this scenario as an example of meta-emotions or having emotions about our emotions.

Let’s Break this Down

Paul’s initial emotion of jealousy -> led him to react to that emotion with another emotion -> leaving Paul angry at himself for feeling jealous.

Another common example is panic, which is often the outcome of anxiety, about anxiety. Associated symptoms of panic ensues -> you begin to notice your symptoms setting in -> therefore causing more anxiety over your panic. 

Meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to - making matters worse. We know, it can feel like a vicious cycle.

So What Do You do?

First identify what is happening. Simply pausing to name the experience creates awareness and opportunity to intervene. Insight is power. Meta-emotions can be tricky and deceptive - name it. 

Second, find acceptance and compassion towards the initial feeling. While you may not always agree with your emotional experience, it is here with you no matter how hard you try to change it. This practice allows that first emotion to flow through more quickly. Emotional acceptance meditation expert Tara Brach offers this statement, “I consent to this feeling being here with me”.

I imagine Paul would be able to more effectively move through his jealousy with less shame and turmoil through a compassionate journey of acceptance toward his jealousy. We believe you can too. A final suggestion, take the time to explore any meta experiences to gain awareness and prepare for the next time they come back around. Check out these reflective questions to help guide you!

Reflective questions:

What meta-emotional cycles do you find in your life?

How do you know you are experiencing a meta-emotional cycle? What does that look like?What feels hard about that emotion? Is there an origin story there?

What has helped you to manage this experience?

Mapping out Therapy - An Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

Have questions about what to expect when coming to therapy? What types of therapy are there? How to know if a therapist is a good fit? Empowered Connections Counseling Founder, Danielle Zawadzki, LMFT sat down with Palos Heights’ (PHTV4) Living Well program to discuss the ins and outs of therapy. Below is a brief summary of her interview, and be sure to check out the full length interview with more in depth insights at the link below. 

Q: What are the different types of therapy out there? 

A: If you were to see a therapist once a week that would be considered outpatient, and this can be in the context of individual therapy, relational therapy, family therapy, or group therapy. Individual therapy is for people of all ages, couple or relationship therapy would typically be with you and your partner(s), family therapy is with all members of a family or certain members of the family, and group therapy is usually a person joining a group of people who are working on a similar topic or goal. 

Q: What types of presenting issues bring people into therapy, whether individual, relationship, or family? 

A: On the individual level there are a wide range of topics including anxiety, depression, eating issues, substance use, life transitions, interpersonal support, etc. For relationships you might find people coming in for conflict involving destructive arguments, infidelity, divorce or separation, and even premarital counseling. For family therapy presenting topics might include conflict, life transition like an adult child returning home, or even a young child struggling with behavioral issues. 

Q: How do you find a therapist and how do you know if they are a good fit? A: You can start by searching for a therapist in a few ways. One way is by asking close friends or family for a word of mouth referral, doing a google search in your area by inserting your zip code, or using Psychology Today. 

As far as whether or not they are a good fit, it is best to consider a few things first. Do you have a preference of the therapist’s gender? What level of experience or specialties are you looking for? After you identify those things, what is most important is the feeling you get when you are in the room with them. Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you can trust them? 

Q: What can people expect in their first session? 

A: Every therapist has a different structure, but generally you can expect to first review any paperwork with your therapist. Then, you might walk through the structure of therapy, what to expect, how long sessions will be. Next, you might start to get into your history, background information, and relevant information relating to your presenting issues. Last, you

will have an opportunity to ask any questions. Examples of important questions to ask might be, what approach do you take? What does that look like? What does that mean? What will we be doing? 

Final Thoughts: 

Therapy is an active process, on the part of the therapist and the client. It involves an active role. We are not “doing” something to you. Together you are on the journey actively walking the path together. It is never too late to get therapy! It can be beneficial to get it sooner rather than later, but there is always help available. 

Living Well - PHTV4 Interview with founder Danielle Zawadzki

5 Quick Ways to Manage Anxiety

Anxiety gets the best of us from time-to-time. In this blog post you will find five quick practical ways to manage anxiety, some takeaways to plan ahead, and other tips you can implement when you feel like the anxiety is building up.

Engage Your Senses

Often anxiety will build into sweeping thoughts and an intense emotional experience. Using the sense of touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing allows you to escape your internal experience by using your external experience to get lost in the moment.

Breathe with Mantra

If we can remember back to the nightmare that was gym class, telling ourselves as we were running laps, “just one more. I can do this!” while controlling your asthmatic breathing, we can use the same concept with anxiety. When we focus on a concept, we can force it into existence. Calm words, breed calm thoughts. Calm thoughts, breed calm experiences. 

Schedule and Follow

A lot of anxiety could be eliminated if we scheduled our day in a predictable way, to understand what emotions we can prepare for. Not just our work obligations and the exciting new restaurant we are going to on the weekend, but the boring things like laundry, and necessities like cooking, grocery shopping, seeing friends, and cleaning your home. This allows us to anticipate the future and be able to plan accordingly. 

What You Eat Matters

The old saying is true, when you eat well, you feel well. When we eat healthier foods, we feel better and we can better control our anxiety, instead of our anxiety controlling us. Eating more fruits and vegetables, while lowering our sugar and carbohydrates will help you with anxiety.

 Exercise

When we move during exercise serotonin is increased, which is a natural anti-anxiety neuro-chemical. Taking a morning walk and talking to a friend can help make exercise more enjoyable than a dreaded activity. 

Further Resources:

Podcast – Huberman Lab: How Food and Nutrient Control Our Moods. Dr. Andrew Huberman is an associate professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, Department of Neurobiology.

Blog – Men’s Health: Eat These Food to Beat Anxiety  

Drew Ramsey, MD gives several food that can help reduce anxiety.

Book – Chatter: The Voice in Our head, Why It Matters, and Hot to Harness It

National Bestseller and Conscious mind expert Dr. Ethan Kross’ book on helping calm the inner voice.

When You Don't See Eye to Eye

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, 69% of problems that relationships face are actually perpetual or unsolvable problems. The good news is no you are not doomed for, and no you are absolutely not alone. What are examples of unsolvable problems might you ask? Many involve personality or character traits that are simply not changeable, but can also be the very parts of your partner that you fell in love with. They can also include core value topics like politics and religion.

Name the Problem

The first step is to name the issue that is getting between you and your partner. When we externalize the issue, and identify it as the problem that is getting between you. Then it pulls away from the mindset that there is something inherently wrong within each of you. The problem is the back and forth, escalated chain reaction involving a topic that is simply not solvable. Is it a topic of financial differences, where one is more fiscally conservative, and the other likes to spend more freely? Identify what the core differences are, and track what it looks like when things start to get heated.

Get Curious

It can be so difficult to navigate an issue when there are core values and firmly held beliefs wrapped up in so many different layers. However, instead of using these tough moments as a time to dig your heels in, and argue your stance. Shift your mindset to acknowledge that this is an opportunity to get to know your partner on a deeper level. There is nothing more powerful than to see and be seen. Plan for an intentional conversation, take a deep breath, and just listen. If you notice the conversation getting heated, then use these simple tips to help de-escalate.  

Below are some examples of questions you can ask to understand your partner’s stance. Think open ended, Who, What, When, Where, How?

• How were finances handled in your home growing up?

• When did you first learn about handling finances?

• Who taught you about finances?

• What values are tied to how you think about finances?

• What dreams do you have for your life where money needs to be considered?

• What ethical beliefs do you have surrounding money?

• What stories from your past that involve money are important for me to know?

• What would you like me to understand about this topic?

• What are your needs? How can I support you?

Create a Plan

Once you have taken the time to understand each other. Then, it is time to tackle the problem together, and find a win-win solution. First, identify your core needs. If saving at least 20% of your salary meets your need of having a sense of financial security, communicate that. If you have a dream of splurging on a vacation once a year to satisfy your need for adventure, speak up. In relationships, we sometimes envision compromise as giving something up. Instead, consider the things you cannot compromise on, then work on your areas of flexibility from there. Areas of flexibility might look like traveling on off peak days, finding a cheaper gym membership, carving out “spend as you please” money from your budget, or annual garage sales. Two heads are better than one when it comes to creative solutions, and the cherry on top is getting to know your partner even better!

Additional Reading: The Gottman Institute: What to Do When You Disagree

Your Brain and Booze

Have you ever had a night out where everyone consumed so much alcohol that everyone was drunk? Maybe it was fun and elating at the start of the night, then quickly turned to drama?  One of your friends said something hurtful, and your other friends tried to comfort you by saying, “they didn’t mean that, they are drunk” or “their personality changes after they’ve had alcohol”. These are common statements you might hear when alcohol is involved, the personality of the person changes. In reality, our brain chemistry is being impacted by alcohol, and there is still much to be learned about how.

Alcohol is known as a depressant, however research shows that as you begin to consume alcohol, your BAC (blood alcohol content) is rising. As the night progresses and the drinking starts to slow down, the alcohol acts more as a sedative. This can explain the behaviors at the start of the night where we might be feeling a burst of energy and rowdy, then as the night progresses we feel more fatigue and confusion. 

Although there are years of research, there’s still much to be learned in terms of neuroscience impact. One study looked at the brain chemistry and possible linkage between norepinephrine and a major neurotransmitter inhibitor called gamma-Aminobutyric acid, also known as GABA (Banerjee. 2014).  Due to alcohol acting as a depressant with similar chemical qualities such as valium, norepinephrine production increases. Norepinephrine affects the GABA receptors, which is responsible for regulating the nervous system (Georgetown Behavioral Hospital, 2021). 

The nervous system communicates with our body and controls important functions such as our balance/walking ability, breathing, thinking, our 5 senses, and more (National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, 2018). When this is impaired, our ability to control our motor function slows down and reduces our ability to think and respond to situations quickly, causing those “drunk nights” out. 

Another study found through a PET scan that the prefrontal cortex and temporal cortex in the brain showed the greatest decrease in activity. This could conclude an impairment in decision making and rational thought, as the prefrontal cortex is responsible for these processes. Inside the temporal cortex, the hippocampus is responsible for developing new memories. However, with the decrease in activity to this region of the brain as well, this could explain the reason for people not remembering their activities from the night before (Gowin, 2010).

We still have much to learn regarding neuroscience and its correlation with alcohol and GABA. Knowledge is power when consuming alcohol. Knowing its impact on brain activity can bring clarity to a lot of the confusion that might come with a long night of it.

Sources:

Banerjee N. (2014). Neurotransmitters in alcoholism: A review of neurobiological and genetic studies. Indian journal of human genetics, 20(1), 20–31. https://doi.org/10.4103/0971-6866.132750

Georgetown Behavioral Hospital. (2021). GABA and alcohol: How drinking leads to anxiety. Retrieved from: https://www.gbhoh.com/gaba-and-alcohol-how-drinking-leads-to-anxiety/ 

Gowin, J. (2010) Your Brain on Alcohol: Is the conventional wisdom wrong about booze? Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-illuminated/201006/your-brain-alcohol#:~:text=Elevated%20levels%20of%20norepinephrine%20increase,ups%20happen%20after%20happy%20hour

National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. (2018). What are the parts of the nervous system. Retrieved from: https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/neuro/conditioninfo/parts#:~:text=The%20nervous%20system%20has%20two,all%20parts%20of%20the%20body.