Practicing Self-Love Around Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day as it is celebrated in modern culture is a chance to celebrate romantic love, yet it can also be a painful reminder if you’re currently single, have recently lost or ended a relationship with a romantic partner, or are processing relationship trauma. Even in a relatively healthy partnership, Valentine’s Day can be fraught with social pressures to demonstrate romantic commitment in certain ways like expensive gifts and romantic dates. It’s all too easy to feel disappointment, grief, or stress around Valentine’s Day, which is why practicing self-love and compassion are important. Here are a few therapy tips for honoring your authentic needs and values around Valentine’s Day.

What Do Your Feelings Tell You About Your Needs, Values, and Beliefs

First, let’s do a little check in: how are you feeling about the upcoming Valentine’s Day? Are you dreading it, excited about it? Annoyed by it? Stressed or anxious about it? Our feelings and expectations about holidays like Valentine’s Day are often signs of deeper issues that we need to address, from misguided beliefs to unmet needs.

For example, if you’re single and dreading the holiday, perhaps you’re struggling with what you believe your relationship status says about your worth (e.g., I’m alone because I’m unlovable). Or perhaps you’re in a relationship, but you’re feeling anxious about whether you can fulfill your partner’s expectations for a romantic evening (i.e., if I don’t come up with an extravagant gift, she’ll dump me) or the opposite (i.e., if he doesn’t make plans to celebrate with me, is it a sign that he doesn’t love me?) These fears are often signals of unmet needs or mismatched expectations about how you can express love and care for each other.

It’s important to take time to reflect on your feelings and expectations, and try to dig down to the thing beneath the thing—what are my feelings telling me about my beliefs, needs and values about this holiday?—and acknowledge those deeper issues with compassion, curiosity, and a commitment to honoring your needs.

Self-Love Practices for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day, like any holiday, comes with its share of social pressures that may have more of a negative impact than a positive one. Whether you’re single or partnered, it’s important for your mental health to practice self-love. Your relationship to yourself is the most important one you have, after all. Here are a few self-love practices that can help you stay emotionally grounded around Valentine’s Day.

• Take time to love yourself with a little self-care. Be generous and kind to yourself, in whatever way you’re able - it could be taking a solo hike, scheduling a massage, or making time to do a creative activity that you don’t usually have time for. Whatever you choose, the goal is to nurture your mental and physical well-being.

• Practice gratitude and appreciation, both for the relationships that are meaningful to you (romantic or not) and for yourself. Although we often go through our days with a fleeting sense of gratitude in the moment, we can make space to practice gratitude intentionally; for example, you could write down a list of relationships in your life and the qualities within those relationships you’re grateful for. You can also practice gratitude for yourself by engaging in a loving kindness meditation, like this one from Tara Brach.

• Set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Now is a good time to take stock of your relationships (every kind) and check in with yourself about how you want to be treated, and how you want to treat others. If things between you and another person are feeling out of sorts, follow these steps for setting healthy boundaries.

• Ask for what you need from friends, partners, or family. Similar to setting healthy boundaries, being clear about your needs with your loved ones is a way to honor yourself and improve your relationship to others at the same time. For example, if you’re feeling grief this Valentine’s Day over a loss or a breakup, be honest about your feelings and ask for support.

• Build community connections. There are many types of love to celebrate, and there are many people who need love but are not romantically partnered. Modern western culture places much more emphasis on monogamous romantic partnerships than it used to, often at the expense of communal connections. Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to lend your time and attention to community activities that build loving connection in non-romantic ways, like volunteering your time at a senior living facility, shelter for the unhoused, or a hospital ward.

Mental Health Support Around Valentine’s Day

Self-love is the work of a lifetime. Everyone struggles to be kind to themselves and improve their mental health; it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and revise the story you tell yourself about your life, your relationships, and your ability to connect with others.

At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our group of multidisciplinary therapists provide mental health support for individuals and relationships of diverse backgrounds and experiences: whether you’re single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal, or you and your partner(s) are straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous or polyamorous. We’re committed to helping you find the right therapist and strategy to strengthen your mental health, self-esteem, and relationship bonds. Book an appointment today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Do You & Your Partner(s) Need Relationship Therapy?

February and Valentine’s Day focus our collective attention on romantic love. Gifts, quality time with romantic dates or getaways, and public declarations of commitment are the most common expressions of romance we see in modern culture around Valentine’s Day, and they’re all wonderful ways to shower your partner(s) with love and affection. Yet at the same time, they can also be distractions or band-aids for relationship issues that need attention and work. If you’re looking for a deeper connection with your partner(s) this Valentine’s Day, there are some therapy approaches that might be right for you.

Signs That You & Your Partner(s) Might Need Relationship Therapy

Just like with individual therapy, the social stigma around relationship therapy can prevent partners from seeking much-needed external support, and even more so for romantic partners who don’t conform to hetero monogamous relationships. Does going to therapy mean there’s something wrong with our relationship? Are we doomed to fail? These are understandable questions, given the social stigma around therapy. At Empowered Connections Counseling, we believe that pursuing relationship therapy is actually a really good sign: it means that one or more of you are invested in the health of the relationship. It means you’re willing to put in work, make yourself vulnerable, have tough conversations, and grow together so that your relationship has a better chance at surviving, maybe even thriving.

No romantic relationship is perfect, because humans aren’t perfect. Humans bring a whole history of pain and sensitivity to relationships that can lead to conflict and misunderstandings. Here are some of the most common reasons that romantic partners seek therapy together:

• Lack of intimacy - It’s common for intimacy (emotional and sexual) to ebb and flow in relationships over time. But if the ebb of intimacy between you and your partners seems to be more pronounced right now, i.e., you’re having trouble connecting with each other, you’re not feeling seen and heard, it’s hard to initiate connection with them and they’re not initiating anything with you, then therapy might help.

• Communication issues – Frequent/recurring arguments and unresolved conflict can build resentment and avoidance between partners. Every relationship has sensitive areas (money issues, family conflict, annoying habits), but if you feel like you’re afraid to bring up certain topics to your partner(s), a licensed therapist can help you unpack the issues and find new ways of communicating to better understand each other.

• Big life transitions or shared trauma – It could be new parenthood, a move to a new location, money or job stress, shifts in gender and sexual identity, or something more painful, such as infertility or child loss. Regardless of the issue, all relationships face awkward or painful chapters in which it becomes more difficult to know how to support one another. Especially when it comes to loss, when each partner is dealing with their own grief, therapy can help you find ways to connect and bond so that you feel less alone.

• Broken trust – Betrayal happens, but it doesn’t have to lead to an explosive ending. It could be a beginning of newfound honesty. Whether it’s an affair, a painful lie, or another type of betrayal, a licensed therapist can help you and your partner(s) come together to unpack the broken trust between you, examine what it means for your relationship, set healthy boundaries, and find ways to communicate about your needs in honest ways.

• Unsolvable problems - According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, 69% of problems that relationships face are actually perpetual or “unsolvable problems,” such as personality or character traits. Therapy can help you and your partner(s) name the problem, get curious about each other, and find a new path forward together.

It is also healthy and normal to go to therapy together when your relationship seems fine! You don’t need to wait for a glaring red flag or a dramatic falling apart to seek support from a therapist — in fact, it’s better if you don’t wait. Plenty of romantic partners go to relationship therapy so that they can prioritize healthy communication and process life’s ups and downs together in a more intentional way.

The Best Types of Therapy to Improve Your Romantic Relationship(s)

Relationship therapy can significantly increase intimacy, satisfaction, and strengthen connection. It can also provide an opportunity to repair when there has been wounding in our important relationships. At ECC, our diverse group of licensed counselors and therapists practice several types of research-backed therapy modalities. Our goal is always to help our clients find the right therapist and approach that best suits their needs. Here are a couple of beneficial therapy frameworks our practice uses to help romantic partners form healthier bonds.

Attachment-Based Therapy

Attachment-based therapy is a trauma-informed and process-oriented therapeutic method that helps clients identify attachment wounds and repair relationships. In attachment-based therapy, a therapist will talk with you to help you understand the four attachment styles, and then lead exercises to help you identify your attachment style, identify deeper attachment wounds, and build more secure attachments with your partner(s). (Learn more about attachment-based therapy and its benefits.)

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapeutic approach that helps clients connect their emotions with their underlying needs, identify negative patterns, and try new ways of connecting with others. Developed by Canadian Psychologist Sue Johnson in the 1980s, EFT is a type of attachment-based therapy that was primarily developed for couples. It is distinct from other therapy methods in its core premise that our emotions are a signal of an unmet need or insecure attachment within a relationship. EFT is beneficial for relationships because it provides a structure for identifying and addressing layers of emotions, empowering individuals to connect more deeply with their authentic feelings and learn to communicate them honestly in their relationships. (Learn more about EFT therapy and its unique benefits.)

Relationship Counseling and Therapy Near You

Romantic love can be one of the great joys of life. It can be an incredible source of meaning, connection, personal and collective growth. And it can be a source of deep pain, fear, and grief. It is human nature to bring significant expectations to our romantic partnerships, all the more so in our modern, western culture that has made romantic partnership the pinnacle marker of adulthood. Every relationship deserves support and can benefit from therapy, where each partner has the opportunity to voice their needs, fears, expectations, grief, and hope.

At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our therapists support all types of romantic relationships—straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, divorced—as well as individuals who are single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, or recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal. Together, we can help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, meaningful connections in your life. Reach out today to book a session.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Counseling vs Therapy: What's the Difference?

If you’ve never sought or received mental health services before, it can be difficult discerning the differences between the different types (therapy, counseling, or psychiatric help) and deciding which is the right fit for your needs. Here's a quick primer to better understand the differences between different types of mental healthcare services so that you can choose the treatment that will best support you.

First: What Do the Letters After a Mental Health Professional’s Name Mean?

Different types of mental health services depend on the level of education and type of training that practitioners have. The letters that come after their name are an indicator of the license(s) they have earned and the services they are authorized to provide:

• Counselors typically earn master’s level degrees as Licensed Mental Health Counselors, LMHC, and Licensed Professional Counselors, LPC.

• Licensed therapists earn master’s level degrees as Licensed Clinical Social Workers, LCSW, and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, LMFT.

• Psychologists & Psychiatrists earn doctorate-level degrees. While both specialize in the field of mental health, they differ in their focus and practices.

  • Psychologists are trained to diagnose and treat mental health disorders, and often work in collaboration with psychiatrists and other healthcare professionals to provide holistic treatment to their patients, but they cannot prescribe medication or perform medical procedures.

  • Psychiatrists are medical doctors for psychological conditions and have authorization to treat patients with medications or medical procedures.

While qualifications are helpful indicators for the type of service practitioners provide, they’re not an indication of quality or effectiveness of treatment.

What’s the Difference Between Therapy and Counseling?

Therapy/counseling or therapist/counselor are terms that are often used interchangeably to refer to mental health treatment. While their education and training may differ, many therapists and counselors generally use similar approaches to talk therapy. In the past, counselors often specialized in behavioral approaches to address short-term goals in specific areas such as addictions, relationships, or grief, while therapists have specialized in longer term and holistic approaches. Counselors also typically have had more training in community mental health practices. However, these delineations between therapy and counseling have softened over time and there are many similarities between client experiences.

What makes a difference in the effectiveness of a client’s mental health treatment is not so much the licensure or extent of a practitioner’s education, or even the therapeutic method a practitioner uses, but the bond that the practitioner and the client build, as well the client’s commitment to healing and changing their life. (Read more about this in our post “What Matters More: The Therapy Method or the Therapist?”) When seeking mental health treatment, it’s important to pay attention to whether you feel comfortable being vulnerable with your therapist or counselor, and whether their insights and support are helpful for addressing your needs. If not, it’s okay to continue your search until you find the right fit.

When to Seek Therapy/Counseling vs a Psychiatrist or Psychologist

According to the American Psychological Association, a general rule of thumb for knowing it’s time to pursue mental health support is when something in your life is causing distress that interferes with your life. It could be depression or anxiety, an addiction or disorder, a relationship conflict, a major life transition (jobs, new parenthood, divorce), a loss or death, or another traumatic experience. Choosing which type of mental health service depends on the type of presenting issue you're experiencing and how acute you feel it is, but it is very common for mental health professionals to refer clients to other mental health professionals that can offer additional services to address the issue, if needed. For example, if you seek therapy for depression and anxiety, you and your therapist may decide that medication is needed to further improve your condition. At that point, your therapist will refer you to a psychiatrist, and you will likely see both professionals on a regular basis. Similarly, it is common for clients to seek psychiatric help for acute depression and anxiety, and in addition to prescribing medication, the psychiatrist might refer you to a psychologist or therapist if you don’t already see one. The goal is that you should experience holistic care, and sometimes that takes more than one type of mental health service.

Mental Health Services in Chicago

You may not find the right fit with a therapist on the first try, but the good news is that there is a vast network of licensed practitioners ready to help you find the support you need, even if that means referring you to another professional for additional support. All you need to do is take that first step to reach out and ask for help.

At ECC Chicago, we offer a multidisciplinary approach to mental health care, with a diverse team of licensed therapists and counselors who specialize in a number of different research-backed therapeutic approaches, including Emotionally-Focused Therapy, Attachment-Based Therapy, Diagnostic Behavior Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Narrative Therapy, EMDR, and more. We provide referrals to psychologists and psychiatrists, as needed. We’re committed to helping you find the right therapy method and practitioner to address your unique needs. If you’re ready to take that first step to seek support, we’ll help you find the right fit.

About ECC

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we can work with you to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit your needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Accepting Reality & Embracing Change

*Content Note: This post will mention sensitive topics such as suicidal ideation, self-harm, and invasive thoughts.

Do you ever feel like managing emotional dysregulation is a full-time job? Like your emotions are running the show, and it’s hard to function or focus on anything else? When tricky situations happen and the emotions feel overwhelming, do you resort to behaviors you know are harmful, such as cutting, binge-eating, or drinking? If you’ve suffered a serious loss or trauma, or you’re experiencing acute depression or anxiety, Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a method that might help you tolerate stress with healthy habits and access emotional equilibrium.

What is Dialectical Behavior Therapy?

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of talk therapy based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that has been adapted for those who need help managing and regulating intense emotions. Unlike CBT which focuses on changing an individual’s thought patterns, DBT is focused on giving clients skills to manage their emotional dysregulation. DBT is especially effective for people of all ages who suffer from mood disorders such as depression and anxiety, severe PTSD, suicidal ideation, self-harm, substance abuse, disordered eating, or other issues.

Maladaptive coping skills like substance abuse and self-harm are forged from traumatic experiences when healthy coping skills (like talking to a safe adult) aren’t accessible. These maladaptive strategies may offer immediate relief by easing or numbing the emotional pain, but they also pose risks to a person’s emotional, mental, and physical health that further increase dysregulation. Oftentimes, clients want to end these maladaptive behaviors but need help replacing them with healthier coping mechanisms. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is all about redirecting behavior to better manage emotional dysregulation through:

• Acceptance of reality

• Awareness of emotions

• Healthier coping mechanisms, like mindfulness techniques

Two Things Can Be True

“Dialectical” refers to the act of accepting contradictory ideas. For example, someone who has a severe mood disorder can accept that their brain chemistry makes it difficult for them to feel safe and happy, while at the same time choosing to stop engaging in self-harm behaviors with help from a DBT therapist.

DBT is about “walking the middle path” between two things, i.e., building awareness of the emotions without acting on the impulses. Clients in DBT are coached on how to tolerate intense emotions and accept painful realities without engaging in maladaptive behaviors such as cutting or disordered eating.

Managing Dysregulation with Mindfulness

Of course, ending maladaptive behaviors isn’t as simple as stopping. We have to replace the maladaptive impulse with healthier skills that decrease emotional dysregulation. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, therapists work with clients on mindfulness activities to help them ride the wave of discomfort without action or judgment. Many of these activities employ acronyms that are easy to recall in the middle of dysregulation, such as the STOP and RAIN methods.

The STOP mindfulness technique stands for:

• Stop

• Take a breath

• Observe your thoughts and feelings

• Proceed, i.e., return to what you were doing before you stopped, but with more awareness

The RAIN mindfulness technique stands for:

• Recognize what’s happening in the moment

• Allow the experience to exist just as it is

• Investigate with interest and care

• Nurture with self-compassion

The Benefits of DBT

Dialectical Behavior Therapy offers many benefits, whether its for individuals, couples, or families:

• Greater self-awareness: individuals learn how to notice their emotions and identify cycles of self-harm.

• Emotional resilience: clients can also learn to tolerate stress through mindfulness techniques, so that when difficult situations or emotions occur, they can stay present and emotionally regulate themselves.

• Interpersonal effectiveness: in couples or group therapy settings, DBT gives clients the chance to practice communicating their emotions, slow down the conversation, and identify what’s important to say and how to say it, so that their needs are met.

Is DBT Right for Me?

As mentioned above, Dialectical Behavior Therapy can be applied in a variety of contexts, from individuals (including children) to couples and families. Here are a few signs that DBT might be right for you:

• You find it hard to stay present when difficult emotions arise

• You struggle with impulsive or compulsive behaviors when feeling overwhelmed

• You have severe anxiety and depression

• You have an eating disorder

• You’re struggling with substance abuse

• You’re struggling with suicidal ideation or intrusive thoughts

DBT Therapy in Chicago:

Suffering happens when we get stuck in a cycle trying to change something we can’t, but acceptance is a skill we can learn. Some things about our lives may always be painful or difficult, but through practicing acceptance and mindfulness, we can end cycles of self-harm and find emotional equilibrium. DBT can be a profound and transformative therapeutic experience that sets people on a path toward peace. If you’re curious about whether DBT is right for you, your child, or your family, reach out today. We’ll connect you with the therapist and therapeutic approach to help you thrive.

For more information about Dialectical Behavior Therapy, watch this video of ECC Founder Danielle Zawadski discussing it on PHTV4’s Living Well segment!

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

New Year, Same You: A Guide for Healthy Resolutions

The new year is a clean slate, a chance to set intentions and try new ways of caring for yourself, your body, your aspirations, your relationships, your career… And yet, we’re all familiar with those feelings of shame and disappointment when we fall short of our resolutions. Self-compassion often takes a backseat to the goal we’re trying to achieve, and before we know it, we’ve failed to keep up with the rigorous diet and exercise routine, or trying to stay sober, and we’re deep in shame about it.

Now that we’re several days into 2024, it’s a good time to check in and make sure the goals we’re setting feel attainable. If you’re looking for guidance on how to meet this new year with hope for improving our lives in meaningful and lasting ways, here are a few therapy-based tips.

Why We Fail at New Year’s Resolutions

The thing about new years and resolutions is that we are still our same human selves, facing the same familiar stressors as last year (which was just days or weeks ago). What we know from decades of psychology studies on human behavior is that the more rigid and unrealistic our expectations for ourselves, the harder time we will have meeting those expectations – and caring for ourselves when we fall short.

This can create a vicious cycle of failure and shame:

• We set a resolution that we have a hard time living up to,

• Then we fail and feel angry and ashamed of ourselves,

• Then we double-down on our efforts, but still fall short

• Then we feel incapable and struggle with self-esteem, so we stop trying to achieve the resolution—or any resolution at all. (Meta-emotional cycles can exacerbate this.)

When we’re caught in this cycle, tapping into self-compassion and care becomes extremely difficult. The more ashamed we feel, the less likely we are to reach out to anyone for support, and loneliness becomes another factor that can worsen these feelings of shame and inadequacy.

How to Get Out of the Shame Cycle of Failed New Year’s Resolutions

Okay, so you set a goal that you couldn’t live up to, for one reason or another. Now what? You could scrap the whole idea of doing anything differently this year and just accept that you’re not capable of change, or… you could tap into self-compassion. One way to move forward with self-compassion and find hope with your new year resolutions is to honor your motivations while adjusting your goals. You’re self-aware enough to know that the way you’ve been doing things isn’t how you want to keep doing them. Honor your desire for change. But how that change can look is fluid and you have the agency to adjust your goals and strategies in a way that feels more comfortable and attainable.

The moment when we fail to follow our resolution or achieve the goal is a moment to check in with ourselves and reflect on our actions and feelings without judgment. What is our intuition telling us?

For example, let’s say your new year’s goal is to lose a certain amount of weight by following a strict nutrition plan you found online and go to the gym every weekday morning at 6AM. When you fail to either achieve the number on the scale or follow through with the routine, you could double-down by trying harder and being more strict with your habits, or you could take a moment to check in with your body’s needs and reflect on the motivation behind your resolution. Are you full or hungry? Do you need to rest, or do you have the urge to move? Do you want to change your diet and exercise habits because you want to be healthier, or because you’re self-conscious about the number on the scale? What would it look like to honor your desire for change, while also honoring your body’s needs?

Approach the New Year with Mindfulness

We’re all going to encounter moments this year where we’re disappointed with ourselves, ashamed of the ways we’re falling short, worried that we’re not capable of all that we hoped. Mindfulness is a really effective therapeutic tool that you can access in those tricky emotional moments to stop shame in its tracks, access self-compassion, and find a way forward. There are many different mindfulness strategies that can help regulate your emotions, but all of them involve some form of pausing when we feel emotionally dysregulated (anxious, frustrated, depressed), engaging the five senses to reconnect with our bodies, taking a moment to notice our emotions and investigate what triggered them, and moving forward with self-compassion.

Getting Support to Create Meaningful Change

Making meaningful, lasting change in your life is hard work! You don’t have to do it alone. If you’re struggling to form goals and find strategies for change that feel healthy and effective, therapy can help. You can talk with a therapist about what your hopes are, what your obstacles are, and find a path forward that feels right for you. At ECC, our diverse, multidisciplinary team of therapists can help you create a life that makes you feel happy and whole. Change is possible.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.