What is Emotional Over- and Under-Functioning?

Does the dynamic between you and your partner feel imbalanced sometimes? Like you’re the person in the relationship who works hard to express your emotions, while your partner shuts down at the first sign of conflict? Or maybe the opposite is true: you’re the partner who has a hard time expressing yourself, because when you’re in conflict with your partner, their emotions can feel overwhelming. Maybe one of you does more of the labor in your relationship—managing finances, scheduling appointments, making plans for holidays and gatherings—while the other seems to do the bare minimum? One way to understand this dynamic is through the framework of emotional over-functioning and under-functioning. In this post, we’ll walk you through this framework and how it can be useful in a therapy setting to repair dysfunction and find healthier ways to communicate.

What is Emotional Over- and Under-Functioning?

Emotional over-functioning is when a person takes on the emotions, well-being, and responsibilities of those around them and tries to manage those things as a way of managing their own anxiety or insecurity. Emotional over-functioners are typically very responsible and reliable for those around them, but often at their own expense.

Emotional under-functioning is when a person struggles to gain awareness of or articulate their emotions. They might struggle to regulate themselves in conflict and lash out, or they might shut down and have a hard time engaging with another person to resolve the conflict.

These concepts draw from the Bowen Family Systems Theory, developed by psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen, which offers valuable insights into family dynamics and how they shape our behavior and interactions with others. It also draws from Attachment Theory, which theorizes that our earliest bonds with our primary caregivers shape the way we relate to others for the rest of our lives, dictating our “attachment styles” and how we respond in conflict.

When emotional over-functioners and under-functioners match and become partners, it can initiate what is known in Attachment Theory as an avoidant anxious cycle that is very frustrating for both partners. The anxious partner may feel constantly on-edge and insecure about the relationship because of the avoidant partner’s emotional distance. By contrast, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by the anxious partner and pressured to engage, making it even harder for them to discern and articulate their own feelings and needs. The result is that in conflict, the partners feel misunderstood by each other, and like the conflicts are repetitive, with no clear resolution or change.

How Does Gender Socialization Play a Role in Over/Under-Functioning?

Who has the emotional access, language, and ability to express their feelings and in which contexts is inextricably linked to gender and the norms reflected in broader society. I often ask clients, “when was the last time you told someone that they hurt your feelings?” Men usually can’t recall, while women can usually recall something in recent memory.

Women are often taught to express their feelings by crying or talking them out with a confidant, while men are often socialized to suppress their feelings. Women are also often socialized to be caregivers, performing administrative tasks that make the lives of their loved ones easier from dishes and laundry, to scheduling appointments. In other words, the gendered expectations within families, schools, and religious institutions socialize women to be over-functioners who feel the burden to take on the responsibilities of everyone around them, while men are socialized to be under-functioners who have a harder time expressing their feelings and sharing the load of caretaking within their relationships.

Among high conflict couples, this might manifest as a female-identified partner who complains that their male-identified partner “seems robotic” or “doesn’t express emotions or talk about things with me,” while the male-identified partner might complain that “her emotions are so overwhelming and make me shut down.” Yet in my therapy work, I often see a paradox: women ask for emotional availability, but they don’t know how to see or acknowledge their male partner’s emotions and become reactive, angry, or turn away from him, thus perpetuating the cycle and further entrenching gendered dynamics. A lot of male-identified partners don’t believe that anyone wants to hear or see their emotions, and that comes from a valid place.

The work of healing the dynamic between over- and under-functioning partners can often involve deconstructing harmful gender stereotypes and expectations that have negatively impacted the individuals, and the relationship.

Taking Ownership of Your Relationship Dynamic

While these dynamics can be deeply frustrating, acknowledging it is a great starting point for taking ownership of it and working together toward change. In a therapy setting, a counselor or therapist can work with you and your partner to identify the different dynamics at play in your relationship, such as over-functioning/under-functioning, attachment styles, and more. Then, they’ll work with you to practice changing the dynamic, utilizing Emotionally Focused Therapy approaches, or other similar modalities. Here’s what that can look like:

Step 1: Name the dynamic. For this couple, when the male-identified partner tries to express himself when they are in disagreement about an issue, the female-identified partner becomes overwhelmed and doesn’t want to hear his perspective. He’s learned over time that if he talks about an issue, her emotional overreaction will be so overwhelming that he’s not going to come away from that conflict feeling understood. The therapist will work with the couple first on naming this dynamic and identifying the roles they play as the over- or under-functioners, and then practice new communication strategies to change the dynamic.

Step 2: Changing the dynamic. The goal is to help this couple find balance in their relationship, so that both partners feel heard and understood. The female-identified partner who often talks more in conflict with her partner is going to practice regulating herself in the therapy session, because over-functioning is a sign of dysregulation. She’s going to talk less so that the male-identified partner who has a hard time articulating himself (either by shutting down or lashing out), can talk more and feel more confident expressing his feelings.

Another example of practicing changing the dynamic is to walk through scenarios where the over-functioning partner usually exerts control. For example, if one partner typically schedules all the appointments, manages the majority of household tasks like dishes and laundry, and makes plans with their partner’s family and friends, a therapist will work with the couple on allowing the other partner to take ownership of these responsibilities—even if it means that they might fail. The goal is to allow the under-functioning partner to experience the natural consequences or disconnection of not having someone to do it all for them. This makes space for the under-functioning partner to fail or be imperfect, to create change and grow on their own. For the over-functioning partner, this also creates room for personal growth: when they’re not taking on the responsibilities of their partner in addition to their own, they’re not showing up in their relationships as stressed out or resentful. Together, the partners can rebuild trust and understanding.

Normalizing the Impacts of Change

As meaningful, tangible change begins to take place between the over- and under-functioning partners, there is often a new period of distress or blowback, even though the change is positive. For example, as the under-functioning partner takes on new responsibilities and learns to be more self-sufficient, the over-functioning partner might feel shocked or frustrated that their partner was, in fact, capable of things that they always allowed their partner to do for them. Or, they might feel a sense of sadness over not feeling needed in a way they’ve grown accustomed to. It’s important to normalize the impacts of change: your reaction is a natural part of the change process, and you can learn to manage your conflicting feelings. Therapists will work with couples to normalize the jumble of feelings and communicate to each other through the transition.

Relationship Therapy Near You

Managing conflict and making space for each other’s feelings is the hard work of being in a relationship. When we’re in disagreement with our partners, we’re often reflecting many systems and dysfunctions that were taught to us, from dynamics within our families of origin, to gender expectations, and more. Untangling these influences and recognizing how they impact us can help us take ownership of our experiences and struggles, and choose new ways of connecting and communicating with our loved ones.

At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our therapists support all types of romantic relationships—straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, divorced—as well as individuals who are single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, or recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal. Together, we can help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, meaningful connections in your life. Reach out today to book a session.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

What Is A Systems Therapist? Q&A with ECC Intern Therapist Riley Brennan

“I don’t believe in anything being a ‘personal problem,’” says Riley Brennan, our current graduate intern therapist who is completing her Master’s in Couple and Family Therapy at Adler University. In her Q&A on our blog today, Riley shares what it means to be a systems therapist: someone who works with clients to consider the system influences that impact their mental health, from family and friends, to workplace dynamics, religion, and politics. Keep reading to find out why she finds this framework helpful for connecting with clients.

Riley BRennan, MA, BA

Graduate Intern Therapist

What inspired you to become a therapist? 

My path to becoming a therapist was perhaps a bit untraditional. I have previously worked jobs in sexual violence prevention and response, sex education, and childcare. In their own way, each of these opportunities helped me consider ways to support people navigating the difficult situations and conversations of life, and they all led to being a couples and family therapist!

If there’s one thing you could say to a person thinking about starting therapy for the first time, what would it be? 

Welcome! You’re not too old or too young, too early or too late, too independent or too needy, too stubborn or too weak to be here; you’re right on time and exactly where you need to be. This is your journey, and you’ll get as much as you give.

You describe yourself as a systems therapist – can you talk more about what that means and why you find it helpful as a therapist? 

I don’t believe in anything being a “personal problem.” As a systemic-trained therapist, I look for the ways people have been influenced by and have influenced other aspects of their lives such as family, friends, coworkers, religions, politics, etc. We learn our behaviors and values from the things around us, so to truly understand a problem and work to change it, we have to be willing to look at the family/social/world systems we are part of. 

This approach is helpful because it can free you from the responsibility and shame of being or having a problem; it’s not all you! We can all take responsibility for problems and we can all work together to make them better. This provides opportunities for real, lasting change.

You mention in your bio that you’re especially interested in working with teens and parents of children, can you talk more about why? 

Teens are an overlooked population for therapy. Not enough therapists are willing to work with them, likely because they are developmentally not quite independent but still able to make choices for themselves that can have a major impact on the rest of their lives. Teens experience a lot of change, big emotions, and opportunities, and they deserve a judgment-free, supportive place to talk about their lives. As a former “troubled teen” myself, I don’t scare easily, and I know there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Parents are often unsupported in our society. People are still expected to have kids without necessarily knowing what parenting is like! Research and theories (and social media) on parenting practices have transformed popular opinion on the best ways to parent, making navigating challenging behaviors all the more confusing. Parents deserve informed resources to learn and explore what is best for their own families, and I am excited to be part of that support system.

What are the books or other resources that you recommend most to clients? 

Oh goodness. I read a lot, so I love to talk about books. I recommend Like a Mother by Angela Garbes and Expecting Better by Emily Osters for prospective or expecting parents. Equal Partners by Kate Mangino is excellent for unpacking the balance of labor in domestic relationships. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is life-changing for exploring relationship configurations and perspectives on love. Finally, The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld is wonderful for children (and adults) facing big emotions, and Bodies are Cool by Tyler Feder is beautiful for children (and adults) to learn about body diversity.

What are you reading / watching / listening to right now? 

I’ve been listening to the Off Menu podcast in which comedians talk about their dream meal. It’s funny and lighthearted, so it’s great for unwinding. I listen to Paris Paloma’s feminist indie music on repeat. I have been reading romance (mostly fantasy romance) like my life depends on it for the past year, and I am simply obsessed.

Engaging Mindfully with Mental Health Content on Social Media

In this article:

• The benefits of learning about mental health on social media

• The risks of learning about mental health on social media

• How to engage mindfully with mental health content on social media

• Finding mental health care near you

Social media has created new channels for people to discover more information about mental health, which often leads to curiosity about whether a particular diagnosis might apply to them.

This can be a positive thing: knowledge is power, and more people knowing about mental health conditions means that more people are equipped to seek help. Yet there are also risks to learning about mental health from social media, especially if you don’t seek support from a trusted professional. In this post we’ll talk about the benefits and risks of learning about mental health conditions through social media, as well as ways to seek clarity to ensure you’re getting accurate information and the right care.

The Benefits of Learning About Mental Health on Social Media

Social media has democratized information about mental health and made it accessible in unprecedented ways. You no longer have to pay vast amounts of money for college tuition or mental health care in order to learn the basics about anxiety, depression, trauma, attention deficit disorders, autism, eating disorders, personality disorders and other forms of neurodivergence. There are some really important benefits to having access to this information:

• Reducing stigma – Mental health issues have historically been a taboo topic and put vulnerable people at greater risk for abuse and neglect. Social media has brought these taboo topics out into the open and allowed people to connect with and learn from others living with different mental health diagnoses. It has led to increased awareness and understanding, greater acceptance of neurodiversity, and better treatment for those who need it.

• Finding community – As with many other topics, social media has helped people form connections around mental health experiences and feel less alone. We’re able to find people who have had similar experiences and talk openly about it, learn from one another and support each other.

• Knowledge and validation – From learning about symptoms of a mental health diagnosis, to the neuroscience behind different conditions, to how to find the right provider or navigate the insurance system, social media has allowed people to share valuable information that others find useful and empowering.

The Risks of Learning About Mental Health on Social Media

Although there are some incredible benefits to accessing mental health information on social media, there are some risks to be mindful of:

• It isn’t the whole story. Social media content, by nature, is very truncated and therefore reductive. You won’t be able to learn everything about a mental health issue from an Instagram image or TikTok video (or even a whole TikTok playlist.) Even the most credentialed experts on social media are explaining things in ways that are designed for the algorithm: attracting viewers, getting likes and comments, etc. There is always more nuance to an issue than what a handful of social media posts can provide.

• Some of it might be misinformation. For example, a 2022 study by the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry found that 52% of the TikTok videos about ADHD were misleading or contained direct misinformation about the condition. Social media makes it possible for anyone to post about these topics. It could be someone speaking from personal experience with a condition, but there’s no way to confirm whether they’re self-diagnosed or formally diagnosed, or whether the advice they’re sharing from their care provider is accurate. It could be a credentialed mental health professional, but they may have ulterior motives (like selling a product or service) or they may be hiding a questionable professional history. It’s important to treat the information you discover on social media with a measure of skepticism, and research information about mental health issues before sharing it further.

• It might prevent some people from seeking proper care. Accessing a wealth of new resources about mental health available through social media can feel validating and empowering. Perhaps learning about a condition has given you new language for articulating past experiences that you had trouble understanding. This is valuable, but it’s important to seek additional care from a trusted mental health provider if you suspect that you have a diagnosable condition like ADHD, OCD, depression or anxiety, etcetera. Self-diagnosis based on information you’ve learned from social media is not the same as receiving a formal diagnosis and treatment from licensed professionals. Stay open to the possibility that although something may have resonated with you on social media, your care provider may have a different opinion based on their professional experience.

Mindful Engagement with Mental Health Content on Social Media

As mental health professionals ourselves, we support the free flow of information about mental health topics on social media. We want people to be curious, informed, and supported through online communities and offline. Yet it’s important to be mindful about how we interact with the information we see on social media. Here are a couple of tips for mindful engagement:

• Stay curious and seek multiple sources of information. Remember, what you’re seeing in a TikTok video or Instagram story isn’t the full picture, and it may contain misleading information. Pause, reflect on the information you’ve learned, and take a few minutes to research so that you can find out how accurate it is and whether it is as relevant to your situation as you first believed.

• Use it as a starting point for seeking support from a trusted care professional. Especially if you suspect that you may have a diagnosable condition like anxiety, ADHD, OCD, or something similar, it’s important to use what you learn from social media as a starting point for seeking support. The mental health care system in the United States can be difficult to navigate, but a trusted therapist or psychologist can help you take steps to confirm eligibility with your insurance, work with you on a sliding scale payment plan, take steps to seek a formal diagnosis, and other steps in the process. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

Mental Health Care Near You

It’s one thing to learn about mental health care on social media, but actually taking steps to seek care with a therapist or counselor can feel overwhelming. At ECC, we’re here to help you find the right therapy method and practitioner to address your unique needs. Our diverse team of licensed therapists and counselors specialize in a number of different research-backed therapeutic approaches, including Emotionally-Focused Therapy, Attachment-Based Therapy, Diagnostic Behavior Therapy, Internal Family Systems, Narrative Therapy, EMDR, and more. We provide referrals to psychologists and psychiatrists, as needed. We can help you get in touch with your needs, values, and goals and work towards them with a neurodivergent-affirming, multidisciplinary approach. If you’re ready to take that first step to seek support, we’ll help you find the right fit.

ABOUT ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Why Do We Fall in Love with the Idea of Someone?

In this article:

• Why do we fall in love with the idea of someone at first?

• How to get to know someone for real in the age of online dating

• Am I idealizing my partner? How to check in with yourself

• What to do when the rose-colored glasses come off

• How to build real intimacy with your partner

• Relationship therapy for individuals and partners

If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, the experience of having rose-colored glasses (and then taking them off) might feel familiar. You fantasize about the life you might build with this other person: exciting dates and travel experiences, building a long-term partnership, perhaps buying a home and having children with them. But the longer you’re with them, the reality is different  from what you imagined. Your partner might be a little (or a lot) different than you first thought, and the truth is, so are you. 

Why do humans fall in love with the idea of someone, rather than the actual person? What function does this serve in the course of a relationship? Should we avoid doing it? How do we handle it when we start to see our partners for who they really are, and they’re different from who we expected? It turns out there are actually some very good answers for all of this.

Why Do We Fall in Love with the Idea of Someone at First? 

You might have seen a few memes about this topic floating around the internet: 

Despite what these memes might lead us to believe, falling in love with the idea of someone isn’t necessarily a personal flaw, or something we can avoid. There are a couple of reasons why falling in love with the idea of someone is a nearly universal human experience when it comes to romantic love.

First, humans are social creatures who are wired for connection. As a species, humans evolved and survived by partnering with others and procreating. Although in modern society we can meet our needs for human connection differently without necessarily choosing a romantic partner, the majority of people still choose it.

The “rose-colored glasses” effect serves an evolutionary function of drawing us in and forging a bond with the other person. It’s a protective effect; if we saw the flaws first, they would repel us, and we would never be able to build a connection with anyone.

In other words, falling in love with the idea of someone is a natural process that is nearly impossible to avoid. When we can acknowledge and accept that, we can bring more self-awareness to our relationships and move forward with mindfulness.

The other dynamic at play is that most people are nervous to be their real selves in the beginning of a relationship. You’re only seeing the parts you’re willing to show each other. As you and your partner spend more time together and start to build trust, you feel more safe to be your authentic selves, even the messy parts, and that’s when the dynamic tends to shift.

How to Get to Know Someone for Real in the Age of Online Dating

As mentioned above, the “rose-colored glasses” effect serves a purpose of forging an initial bond with a new partner and it isn’t realistic to think we can completely avoid it. There is always risk involved in getting to know someone romantically, and it may feel even more risky to get to know someone you found via an app.

Here are some tips to navigate the “getting to know you” stage of dating:

• Learn to tolerate some awkwardness. The advent of online dating has its perks; for many, it has significantly widened the pool of potential partners, creating more opportunities to find someone whose interests and values match our own, versus mere proximity. Yet with more options than ever, it has perhaps created an illusion of perfection and control. If one date is a little awkward or uncomfortable, we can always hop back on the app and find someone else, right? Try to be mindful of that instinct. Being our imperfect, human selves is essential to build real intimacy, but we might never experience it if we run back to the apps whenever we feel a little discomfort. It can take time to feel at ease with people.

• Beware the “no spark” fallacy. It’s hard to be your best, most comfortable self on a first date because each person brings expectations to it. People can surprise you, but they might need more than one two-hour conversation to open up and be their real selves. Accept that you might not immediately feel “the spark” and that it may take a few more times of interacting with someone to see all facets of them and discern whether there’s a connection there worth pursuing.

• Give it time. For many partners who find each other online, one common challenge is that there is little to no community overlap. They have no friends, classmates, or coworkers in common, and therefore have no baseline for understanding how this person interacts with others. In romantic relationships, we’re looking to track behavior over time and make a decision about whether or not this person is right for us. When there is no overlap in social circles, it takes more time to fill in this essential gap.

Am I Idealizing My Partner? How to Check In with Yourself

If you meet someone and hit it off romantically, you might be worried about whether you’re seeing them and your relationship clearly, especially if you’ve experienced betrayal with a previous partner. As mentioned above, the goal is to track behavior over time. Anyone can say anything about who they are and what they want; you need time to observe what their actions are saying. Here are a few questions to ask yourself when you’re worried about whether someone is really a good fit for you:

• What is the story I’m telling myself about their behavior? For example, if the person is not consistent about texting you back or communicating with you, does it make you question your worthiness, or whether their lack of communication means they don’t care for you as strongly as you care for them?

• Conflict is a part of building lasting intimacy; a low or no-conflict dynamic is often (but not always) a sign that partners don’t feel safe being honest with each other and expressing disagreement. If you and your partner have had low or no conflict, it’s time to ask: are you still in an idealizing phase? Are you still treating each other too carefully? Do you feel safe confronting them about an issue, if it comes up?

What To Do When the Rose-Colored Glasses Come Off

Even though the “rose-colored glasses” phase is a natural part of bonding with someone romantically, it is indeed just a phase, and eventually your perception of each other will change and the dynamic will shift, for better or for worse. You will likely have moments of “this person isn’t who I thought they were” or “this relationship isn’t what I thought it was.” This isn’t a sign that the relationship is doomed, or that either of you failed to see each other clearly. It’s important to normalize this experience and see it as an opportunity to appreciate that person for who they truly are. This process is a chance to build real, lasting intimacy with someone and forge deeper bonds, or make an informed decision that you’re not right for each other.

When conflict or disagreement arises, here are some ways to practice authenticity (both allowing yourself to be honest with them, and allowing them to be honest with you.)

• Take ownership of the story you’re telling yourself about their behavior, e.g., “you never text me back, it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of your time & attention” or “ “you always show up late to things, that makes me feel like you don’t care.”

• Give the other person space to respond honestly; it will reveal a lot about their ability to handle conflict. They may admit that they’re acting in a certain way because they don’t feel this relationship is right for them, or they might share that their behavior is a reflection of a deeper personal struggle, like an insecurity that they have. If you get the sense that they’re deflecting or denying your experience and feelings, that’s cause for concern.

Remember, the beginning of a relationship is when you’re establishing boundaries and power dynamics are being negotiated. People are often afraid of conflict in the beginning, but it’s a chance to negotiate these dynamics in good faith. Avoiding conflict is also avoiding real intimacy.

How to Build Real Intimacy with a Romantic Partner

We humans are complicated creatures. Don’t let the memes fool you; we’re all liable to fall in love with the idea of someone and have a “rose-colored glasses” phase.

Just make sure that you take ownership of your own role in the relationship:

• Your own needs, desires, and deal-breakers

• Your own growth (therapy!)

• Don’t fault the other person when they’re not able to live up to the ideal

• Don’t fault yourself for what’s actually a pretty natural process that serves a purpose

Relationship Therapy for Individuals and Partners

Building real intimacy with another person is hard work. From the expectations we bring to our relationships to the emotional wounds that we’re still trying to heal, dating and romantic partnerships can be fraught.

ECC therapists are here to help you grapple with the discomfort and uncertainty of connecting with others, learning how to form secure attachments, and build authentic relationships. At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, we support individuals in every stage of the journey, whether you’re single, happily partnered, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, or recovering from abuse or betrayal. We also support all types of identities and relationships: straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, or divorced. Together, we can help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, meaningful connections in your life. Reach out today to book a session.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Is My Partner Gaslighting Me? Here's How to Know

Is my partner gaslighting me? Chances are if you’re in a relationship that you’ve wondered this before, especially in the midst of a conflict or disagreement. Gaslighting is a term that has entered the cultural lexicon in the last decade, yet we often hear confusion from clients about whether their experiences actually meet the definition of gaslighting, or something less serious. In today’s post, we unpack this loaded term to help you discern gaslighting from other communication issues in relationships.

What is Gaslighting?

‘Gaslighting’ is a term that has been popularized in modern culture to describe insidious manipulation and psychological control to keep the victim reliant upon the perpetrator, i.e., make it harder for them to leave the relationship. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, which was later adapted into two films, Gas Light (1940) and the better-known Gaslight (1944). The story follows a young woman, Paula, whose husband Gregory, slowly manipulates her into believing that she is going insane. Whenever Gregory leaves their house, Paula notices that the gas lights on the main floor grow dim and she hears noises coming from their boarded up attic, which Gregory always insists are in her imagination. (Spoiler alert: it’s Gregory in the attic the whole time, trying to steal Paula’s family estate.) As in the play and films, the perpetrator acts in ways that are harmful to the victim, but when the victim tries to address the issue with the perpetrator, they respond in ways designed to make the victim question reality, their memory, and their sanity.

What We Get Wrong About Gaslighting

All human relationships are flawed and imperfect. There are bound to be disagreements, miscommunications, and manipulation. Often, how we show up in our adult relationships is shaped by the relationship dynamics we experienced in our families of origin: how our parents and caregivers treated us, how our parents and caregivers treated each other, etc. In moments of stress and conflict, it is common for all of us to exhibit maladaptive behaviors that were normalized in our families—even if we love and respect the other person, and even when we strive to be self-aware.

In the age of social media, concepts like gaslighting can spread in the cultural conversation in ways that are both helpful (more people being aware of abuse dynamics!) and hurtful (misinterpreting conflict with a partner out of fear of being gaslit.)

Although there are similarities, emotional invalidation and manipulation are different from gaslighting, and it’s important to take a step back when you’re in conflict with someone to discern the difference.

Manipulation vs Gaslighting: What’s the Difference

All gaslighting is manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting. The key differences between manipulation and gaslighting are power dynamic and intent (e.g., does your partner want to influence you, or do they want to control you?)

Manipulation is a common human behavior: children might lie or misconstrue facts in an attempt to influence their caregivers or earn attention, yet because of their cognitive development, and because of the power dynamic in the adult-child relationship, children aren’t capable of gaslighting or abusing adults. Similarly, adults can be manipulative without the intent to control or harm the other person, but simply because it’s a maladaptive communication style they learned in their families, or because they themselves were abused or brainwashed. They may not be fully aware that they’re doing it, or know how to communicate their needs in a healthier way. Regardless of a person’s level of self-awareness or intention, manipulation doesn’t have to be tolerated. In a healthy relationship, partners will work together to bring these behaviors out into the open and learn to accept influence from one another, i.e., be open to the other person’s ideas and opinions, reach a compromise in disagreements, and achieve greater understanding of the other.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, is fundamentally an abuse of power over another person or group of people. It can occur in all kinds of relationships, but one common factor is the power dynamic: one-on-one between parent and child, a boss and employee, or a leader and their follower(s) in religious organizations or government institutions. In romantic relationships, the power dynamic is often established through physical and/or financial power. The intent of gaslighting is to intentionally control the victim(s) by changing their perception of reality, reducing their self-confidence and trust, and making the victim reliant upon the gaslighter. Gaslighting uses emotional invalidation and manipulation as tools to gain total control over the victim.

Tactics Abusers Use to Gaslight

Relationships with gaslighters always start out positive. Your trust in them is essential; without it, they can’t control you. Many abusers can be especially effusive and generous early in the relationship to build trust and financial dependence. This is called love-bombing and it is one reason why it’s important not to beat yourself up or feel ashamed that you trusted them early on, because that was their plan.

Gaslight often happens gradually, in stages, which is another reason it can be hard to recognize. The abuser will begin to withdraw their affection and act out in hurtful ways, only to “hoover” at the first sign of their victim questioning them: they’ll shower their victim with more gifts, praise, and affection to quell any suspicion or possibility of the person leaving.

There are several abusive tactics that gaslighters use to control their victims, all with the intent to obscure truths that they don’t want the victims to recognize.

• Withholding – feigning innocence or confusion when the victim expresses hurt or anger, or asks to discuss the abuser’s behavior.

• Countering – denying the victim’s version of events (thereby making the victim question their own memory and sanity.)

• Blocking/diverting – changing or shutting down the conversation.

• Trivializing – minimizing the victim’s feelings.

• Forgetting/Denial – pretending that they don’t remember events that the victim brings up in conversation (again, with the goal of making the victim question themselves.)

Signs of Gaslighting

Because gaslighting, by design, is meant to obscure someone’s harmful intentions, it can be very difficult to discern what’s happening in the midst of it. It’s important to check in with your own feelings and behavior.

Here are some common warning signs that you are experiencing gaslighting:

• You second-guess yourself constantly and often feel confused, disoriented, or crazy.

• You apologize constantly to your partner.

• You have trouble being honest about your relationship with people you trust (friends, family, coworkers), which can manifest in a couple of ways:

  • You frequently apologize or make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

  • You frequently withhold details about your relationship so that you don’t have to apologize or make excuses.

• You feel like you can’t be honest with your partner about your feelings or things that have happened, because of how they might react.

Impacts of Gaslighting on Victims

Gaslighting can be psychologically devastating with long-lasting consequences for victims:

• Rebuilding self-trust and confidence in one’s own intuition and perception of reality can take many years

• Rebuilding trust in others and opening oneself up to new relationships can also take a long time

• In addition to the psychological impacts, there can be other consequences, such as having to rebuild financial independence if the abuser used money as a means of control.

You’re Not Alone: Therapy for Victims of Gaslighting

Realizing that you are being gaslighted by a loved one – whether it’s a romantic partner, a parent, or someone else close to you – is a very painful experience. It can also be difficult to confront it with the person, for fear that they will continue to manipulate you. The good news is that you don’t have to face it alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you work on rebuilding trust in yourself, reclaim your reality, and find a path forward.

If, in reading this post, you realized that your partner probably isn’t gaslighting you but that your communication with each other needs work, therapists can help with that too!

At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy, secure attachments. If you need support with abuse recovery, boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.